SPOILER: Running commentary from a screening of Krrish 3

The latest offering from Rakesh and Hrithik Roshan isn't likely to win any praise from critics, but for all its faults, this film is a giggle fest. Krrish 3 is an original made up of many badly-copied parts, which will make the film unbearable to those who have watched the Hollywood originals. But it's also so bad that it's frequently delightful. Given below is a running commentary to the film. This piece contains no spoilers.

What do you do when you've got a film titled Krrish 3 despite the absence of a "Krrish 2? Get Amitabh Bachchan to recap the first two parts of the trilogy (please god, let this not be more than trilogy) while the credits roll.

Whoa. Look at those writing credits. For screenplay: Robin Bhatt, Honey Irani, Irfan Kamal, Akarsh Khurana and Rakesh Roshan. Trailer had bits from X-Men, Superman, Iron Man, The Dark Knight and Spiderman. So maybe it was one Hollywood superhero movie per writer. Copy + paste and we get Krrish 3?

Wait. Story is by Rakesh Roshan. I guess Marvel's been copying him for the past few decades then. Glad that's clear.

Opening shot: test tubes and pipes and colourful liquids. And a vial that has "Virus" written on it. Thank god for pointers like that one. After all, how would you know a virus is a virus if it isn't puddling into a vial labelled "Virus"?

Second scene of film and brand placement ahoy! Hrithik Roshan as Rohit Mehra (aka the guy who was Krrish 1 before Krrish was even a twinkle in his daddy's eye) chomps on a spoonful of Bournvita.

Semi-nudity alert! Hrithik Roshan as Krishna Mehra aka Krrish (2) makes his way out of bed, in his jammies, sans shirt. Not sure that torso is human. It looks disturbingly like an abandoned prototype of a Ken doll. It could also be a painted ply board that Roshan is wearing like a human billboard. Whatever it is, that ain't human. Wait. Maybe this is the final proof that Krrish is mostly alien.

Conclusions drawn from science experiment conducted at home:

1. Sun rays look like laser beams

2. Once the sun rises, it just stays at one spot so that the laser beam sun rays can make a pretty pattern

3. Solar power can revive the dead

4. To work, the experiment needs "a filter with a brain." Whatay!

Confused. Krishna is fired from his job as a security guard because when there was a burglary, he left his post. Except he left only to return dressed as Krrish to nab the bad guys. Why not just nab the bad guys as a security guard? That way, he'd be fighting crime and doing his job.

Men use chest press machines for a workout. Superheroes use airplanes with faulty gears. Definitely explains why Roshan looks like a real-life Johnny Bravo.

Kangana Ranaut is Kaaya, the desi Mystique. Her morphing into Arif Zakaria " SCAWY!😆

Ah, not enough for Kaaya to be able to morph. She can also walk through walls and doors. Didn't know lizards could do that, but whatever. Full marks to Ranaut for making these ridiculous costumes and the make-up look hot.

Time to meet Viveik Oberoi as Kaal, who is wheelchair bound, can move things using telekinesis and has both created and given homes to a bunch of mutants. No relation to Professor Xavier of X-Men. Of course not. Did Professor X have an aquarium of luminous yellow lizard-frog hybrids? No. So ha! Totally new character.

Kaaya and gang are not mutants. They're maanwars. Manav (human) + janwar (animal) = manwar (totally new Roshanian concept). Geddit?

Common villains have one motivation. Kaal is supervillain and therefore he has multiple motives. Let us list them:

1. Discovering why he is wheelchair-bound but able to wield such super cool telekinesis

2. Finding a cure for his paralysis

3. Making pots of money for his pharmaceutical company

What I want to know is who does his make up and why are they not getting him a foundation that'll match his skin tone better?

Kaal's motto: "Fusion is the future." Pretty sure Philip Glass and Ravi Shankar said something similar.

Kaal's machines still refer maanwars as "mutants". Maybe they're from the Marvel lab.

Kaaya made with the blood of lizards, much like the recipe for Aghori in Sheshnaag. Maybe Danny Denzongpa and Kaal exchanged notes.

List of mutants: Rhino-man, Ant-man, Cheetah-woman, Frog-man (named Striker), Chameleon-woman (Kaaya). Sounds like all Kaal wants is a pet.

Cut to Mumbai where Krrish is going to lose his latest job because he's rushed out to save a kid that has somehow managed to get entangled in electrical wires and is dangling in the middle of two buildings. Except unless this kid can fly or is tightrope walker, there's no explaining how he got there in the first place.

Whoa. That Krrish trenchcoat is exposing some serious man-cleavage.

Kid wanted to save a kabootar. That explains everything.

Krrish makes Kid promise that Kid won't leap off buildings like Krrish. But what if there's a kabootar that needs saving??

Priyanka Chopra is Priya, aka Mrs. Krrish. She's a journalist with Aaj Tak, which, aside from presenting news, also acts as a messaging service between working husbands and wives apparently.

God Allah and Bhagwan, hola amigos, Krrish is dancing.

Kaal looks like he's got indigestion when staring at bars in order to make them bend. His bathroom must become one hellishly mangled place when he's constipated.

On screen: outbreak of mysterious virus that causes rashes and bleeding etc. In audience: Bedbugs causing an outbreak of itching and swelling on me. Damn you PVR Juhu. On the plus side, at least it's not dengue mosquitoes.

Pop quiz: you can make money by starting an epidemic in Asia. Which country do you pick " India or China? Kaal's ans: India, because India has more gods. This is the kind of meticulous planning that makes a paraplegic freak in kabuki makeup a pharma millionaire.

Krrish is now fighting Striker the Frog-man because Striker committed the dastardly crime of stealing ice cream. No task too small.

Blood of Christ = salvation for humanity. Blood of Krrish = salvation for Mumbai.

INTERMISSION

Now even Krishna's shirts have plunging necklines to reveal man-cleavage. Or maybe it's a size too small? Perhaps he can't afford the correct size shirts because he keeps losing jobs? Whatever the reason, Roshan's cleavage more eye-catching than Chopra's.

Unveiling of Batman, sorry, Krrish statue in Bandra, Mumbai. Let us give thanks to Krrish 3 for showing us that there can uglier public art than the Child Gives Birth To A Mother sculpture.

Not sure whether am relieved or disappointed that antidote formula isn't in the computer in a file named "antidote" (ref. "Virus" from opening scene).

Dil tu hi bata, how to not be creeped out by Roshan's vein-ridden upper crotch area? Ranaut deserves an award for not shuddering when she has to unbutton Krrish's shirt in order to let us all see Roshan's pelvis. Does he do exercises that are just for the two and a half inches below his navel? Like miniature stomach crunches, but only for for the mons pubis. Particularly creepy when blown up and in your face, on the big screen. Ew.

Krrish quivers almost uncontrollably each time he has a close up. Also, much tearing up is happening. It's like he has an allergic reaction to the mask.

Why is Rohit Mehra wearing a jacket and muffler in Singapore?

Kaaya's fighting moves are way cooler than Krrish's.

Kaal is literally the Scrap Metal Man. He's making his wannabe-Iron-Man armour by pretty much pulling out whatever metal he can. Should have got some scavenger kids on the job. They'd have done a better job of patching together the armour.

Why on earth would you make a helmet that has three strips of metal going right across your eyes?

Kaal's completed, metallic look is the only outfit that could make Krrish's plastic trenchcoat look cool.

What kind of idiot makes a body suit that doesn't cover the crotch? And yes, wear a silver leotard, why don't you? Not like it moulds itself around, ahem, curves or anything.

"Is vansh ka koi ansh nahin rehne doonga main." Kaal's love for internal rhymes does more damage for him than his terrible make-up.

Krrish statue partially blasted, leaving Kaal (in Scrap Metal Man avatar) to stand triumphantly on the unblasted half of the statue. Net result = Oberoi's Kaal rising out of Krrish's pelvis.

There's only one reason why kids exist in the Roshan universe: to emotionally manipulate the audience.

Kaal to Krrish: "I was never born, so I can't die." But he didn't spring fully formed out of Rohit Mehra's loins (he just appeared, fully formed, atop Krrish the statue's loins), as per the story that was just told to us. Once upon a time, he was a newborn who was left at the doorstep of an orphanage. So die already.

Final verdict: the pen " even when it doesn't write " is mightier than the sword, viruses and superpowers.