Arakshi fic 'When there are no words' Pt 8 16/02 - Page 12

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
~ Kahlil Gibran

Part 5: Why does everything seem lost?

His hand is on the doorknob. Shoulders slumped, eyes closed, breathing labored, he looks every bit of a defeated man. Someone who has lost the battle of life. He wants to turn the doorknob, he really does. Still, he can't bring himself to do it. He can't bring himself to say goodbye to her. Not yet.

But he has lost her, isn't it? He has lost the only tangible reason of his survival. Lost. Lost. Lost.

Finally, after spending an eternity in his current position, he is almost on the verge of walking away for the nth time when her voice stills him. "Arjun?" she calls quietly. He jerks, surprised by her intervention and clutches the doorknob tightly, seemingly unable to bring himself to look at her. What does she want? After refusing him, what does she want now?

"Arjun, its raining outside. Please take an umbr.."

He doesn't hear the end of the sentence. He doesn't turn, doesn't reply either. All he does is walk out the very moment and slams the door with a loud thud.

At once, she rushes to the closed door, crumpling to her knees, tears streaming down her eyes. She touches the wood with trembling fingers, hoping to feel him.. his skin, his breath, his heartbeat. All she feels is nothing. His last remnants slip from her fingers.

What she doesn't realize is that on the other side of the door, he does the same. Just a mere inch away.. still a thousand miles apart..

~.~

The storm gives away, though true to her words, there is a slight drizzle. He drags his feet along the all too familiar path. The misty showers beat on him, batter his already battered soul. But he treads on, uncaring about where he is going, where it will end. He walks and walks and walks in a never ending journey.

Suddenly, he finds himself out in nowhere. Not a sign of another soul. It is at that moment when he stops. When he crumbles to pieces. When he falls apart.

The downpour grows stronger. The pelting is relentless. And it reminds him of another time, another place.

His childhood.. a totally different lifetime.

He recalls how the rains were nothing less than enchanting for him back then. How without thinking for a microsecond, he would be outside splashing in the rains. How the drops settling on the green leaves made them sparkle. How the flowers seemed livelier. How nature was simply at its best.

Beautiful, beautiful times. Alas, it didn't last long.

As he grew up, the rains lost its magical significance to him. It's meaning was only reduced to a scientific phenomenon. That was a time when he could associate more with the thunders and the lightning. The dark clouds overshadowing the sun aptly reflected his inner musings, his inner turmoil.

Unfortunately, he never appreciated the beauty of the rains again. Never fully lived again.

Until, one day.. when a ray of light entered his life.

His Life. His Roshni.

Like a moth to the flame, she touched his life, became his salvation and everything changed thereupon.

He remembers vividly how they had danced in the rains.. They had swayed and twirled and moved fluidly with simpatico. He had held her close, so close, that he had been able to feel her breath. Wrapping his arms around her, he had felt content, whole. He had captured the drops trickling down her cheek and dragged his lips along the column of her throat. And it had been perfect. It had been the most intense, the most erotic moment of his life.

But it didn't last either. No. She left him; isolated, despondent, broken. With her, she took everything- his heart as well.

And thereafter, rains were just rains. Meaningless. Pointless.

Today, at this very moment, however, rains have an entirely different meaning for him. Instead of feeling like pinpricks.. today, they seem to mourn with him. He lets the unbridled tears fall, trace the path of his face and reach its destination. Because no one can distinguish the tears from the water drops. No one. Not even him. And he hollers.. to ease the loss, the pain, the hurt. A heart break of another kind.

And at last, he lets go of it.. because tonight the heavens are crying with him. His Roshni is crying with him..

~.~

Every time, she closes her eyes in the hope of falling asleep, his anguished expression floats in her mind. She tries, again and again. But it is in vain. His face continues haunting her. The realization that this is it, he is gone; it hurts her. With piercing finality, it strikes her with full force and she finds herself screeching in the darkness. Why? Why her? What did she do to deserve such fate? WHY?

Just as, her disturbed thoughts ebb their way out of her mind and as the tiredness of the day replaces them to be lulled into sleep, she thinks about the mist. She can feel it.. cannot touch it.. cannot hold it.. And it cruelly reminds her of him.

And with it, she falls asleep.

~.~

There is a loud pounding on her door at seven in the morning.

Sakshi groans in her semi-conscious state, a string of chosen profanities ready on the tip of her tongue. She delves deeper under her covers in a futile attempt to stop the outward noise. As if by some miracle, the pounding ceases momentarily even.. only to increase in intensity a minute later.

She twists and turns in her bed, however, the pounding continues to hound her. Just as, she is about to throw something to the door, the source of disturbance calls her.

Is it..??

With that thought, she jolts out of her bed. In her haste to reach the door, she nearly trips- twice.

"Ar-Ayesha??" She stares at the door dumbfounded. But she heard him.. He called her.. Arjun.. Oh God, she is going insane!

Ignoring her stunned reaction, Ayesha glowers at her while informing her of the ten minute ordeal that she had to undergo to wake her up before stopping abruptly. She eyes her thoroughly when she notices her swollen eyes and the wrinkles on her dress. However, instead of commenting on it, she chirps, "Rise and shine, lazy ass!"

Disoriented and disheveled, Sakshi chances a look on the old wall clock that had been in her family since generations What follow is a shriek in tandem with her chosen expletives.

Fully aware of her morning niceties, adding to the fact that she did not have any coffee in her system for the past two days, Ayesha knowingly plugs her ears.

Abruptly, Sakshi stops. Wide eyed, she starts flailing her arms and articulates her concerns to the other occupant of the room. "What am I gonna do Aish?? My flight's in three hours and I have not packed everything. Shit! What should I do?!" She shakes her friend and continues in the same distressed tone, "Look at me! I am not even ready!!" Saying thus, she slumps on her bed, a frown permanently etched on her face.

Feeling something akin to pity for her friend of four years, Ayesha kneels in front of her and holds her hands, "Relax Sakshi."

"But, but.."

"Relax.. You go and get ready. I will pack the rest of the things for you. Thats why I came here, isn't it?"

Tears well up in her eyes and Sakshi hugs her fiercely, babbling incoherently while at it.

"Now, go."

~.~

The next two hours pass by a blur.

When the time comes to leave, Sakshi eyes the place which she previously called home, lay bare. It saddens her more than she can fathom. The feeling that she is leaving a part of her behind places in her heart. She did not want this. She did not want any of this. Yet, here she is.. with a broken heart, bittersweet memories, an unborn child and so much, still so less.

She sighs and picks up her luggage half-heartedly. By now, her team with Arjun nowhere in sight, is waiting for her outside, helping to put the rest of her belongings in their proper place.

Watching them, like this for the last time, grips her with a sense of an even deeper loss and overwhelms her with a plethora of emotions. Treacherous tears threaten to fall as she slowly walks over to them. Who knew that four years could change her so much? Who knew?

Yet, here she is..

At her approaching footsteps, her team stops midway. She can see that they are trying very hard to maintain a calm composure, a happy exterior. But she knows. She knows the underlying grief beneath it. Their somber eyes express it all.

She wants to say something, anything. But it seems impossible. Words seem insignificant at this moment.

So, she does the only thing that she is capable of. She smiles.

Or at least she tries to.

~.~

The journey to the Airport is quite a fulfilling one despite the gloomy predicament.

Instead of fussing over what lies ahead, Sakshi finds herself lost in the constant banter of her friends. As they recount her initial days with ETF, her contribution, and her chirpiness during the investigation, she finds herself smiling. Really smiling. One which touches the corners of her eyes. And she realizes that this is her first real smile in a long, long time.

However, as the story goes- all happy things come to an end, the ETF SUV suddenly jerks to a stop.

Airport.

"I suck at goodbyes, guys.. So, I dont really know what to say.. I just.. I.. I love you all and I will miss you so, so much.. I-

She chokes with emotion, unable to continue. For someone who earns a living by phrasing words, she sure was having a hell of a time in finding words that count.

Without so much of a preamble, her friends envelope her in a warm hug, each of them muttering words of comfort. For a blissful moment, she feels content even. However, the next announcement sucks her away from her contented state and she turns reluctantly, glancing for the final time at her despondent friends before walking away.

It all ends. Finally.

~.~

Sometime in between his breakdown and his present stupor, he had meandered his way to the threshold of his room. The hours had moved with the speed of a snail. He had remained rooted to the only furniture in this room, a chair and had stared at the horizon.

If earlier, he was catatonic.. now, he feels like a living corpse.

All of a sudden, his cell phone which had been lying in his breast pocket pings.

Though he was not in the mood of any human interaction, he still picks it up. Who knows there might be a god-damned criminal waiting to be caught?

"Raute," comes Rathores clipped tone from the other side.

"Rathore."

"You should have come," he says quietly. He sounds as if he is disappointed.

Disregarding his connotation, Arjun speaks in smoothed tones, the facade firmly in place. "I don't know what you are talking about."

Aggravated, "Sure you do. Look, I know you don't give a damn about her. And honestly, I don't know why she even cares for you. However, I do know this- she was waiting for you at the airport. So, if not anything else, you should at least have had the courtesy to say goodbye."

I already said my goodbye yesterday.

Instead, Arjun says, "Is there any new case? If not, then, I would like to go back to sleep."

"Damn it, Raute! Why do you have to be so difficult about everything? Sometimes, I wish you were not so stubborn. Roshni would have been alive, then."

Almost immediately, the vein in Arjun's forehead throbs. Taking sharp intakes of breath, he tries to calm himself down. If Rathore had been talking to him in person, it might have had disastrous consequences.

He grits his teeth when he speaks next, "I am assuming there is no case. Goodbye, then."

With it, he throws the phone as hard as he can on the ground. Even hardened criminals falter at the ire of Arjun Suryakant Raute, this, this was just a phone. It shatters to million pieces within a second.

Still angry at Rathore's words, he crosses the pieces of the offending object and punches the concrete wall with all his might. It helps a bit. So, he again punches the wall. Again and again.

Pain shoots through his knuckles as drops of crimson color the white, sterile tiles on the floor. Mesmerized, he stares at the physical manifestation of his pain.

Then, like a chant, he whispers her name. This time, it's not Roshni's name though.

~.~

As soon as she finds her seat and is settled comfortably, the last few days take its toll upon her and she is lulled to sleep within a matter of few minutes. In her unconscious state, she dreams of dark places, knights, blood when a high pitched cry jerks her awake.

Grousing under her breath, she cranes her neck like many others to glare at the source of disturbance.

What she witnesses, paralyzes her momentarily.

Just two rows to the left from her, a young couple hold a crying baby. It is not the sight of the baby which renders her immobile; rather it is the sight of the family, happy family, which stills her.

She stares at the scene before her, hypnotized, as the mother nuzzles her whining baby and mutters incomprehensible things while the father wounds one protective hand around her, simultaneously caressing the baby's cheek with his other hand.

They look so much in love. And happy. And strangely, it breaks her heart.

A voice tells her, "This could have been you."

She looks longingly, wistfully at the couple, as another voice, now nearly forgotten, tells her, "Sakshi.. Daddy is sorry. He should not have scolded you earlier. You were right. I am stupid. Honestly? All men are. All men are stupid, egotistical, stubborn and weak. They act all tough. But in reality, they are much weaker than women. Women are mystical, magnificent creatures. They are the reason we become better persons. Yet, we mess up. We hurt them and yell at them. Not because, we dont care for them. It is because we are cowards. When it involves matters of the heart, matters of women, we cower. We are scared that they might stop loving us. So, next time, daddy scolds you, it does not mean, he does not love you. It means he loves you and will always do.. Now, smile?"

Closing her eyes, as a fresh bout of tears, well up, Sakshi pictures her father, now, lying in a hospital bed. She thinks about the void that he left and about the only other man that she cared for besides her father.

"Arjun."

~.~

The moment freezes and in that moment, he has an epiphany.

That he wants her as much as he needs her.

It's.. it's.. tragic. He had all the time in the world to tell her that he wanted her. Yet.. yet.. he realizes it now. NOW.

Clutching the glass of alcohol in his uninjured hand, Arjun stares at his still dripping blood. He emits a hollow laughter as he reminisces the last time he had been inebriated. Exactly six months, fifteen days and thirteen hours ago. That time, she had been there, though this time..

Buzzing with the alcohol in his system, he shakes his head to clear her image. Her mischievous smile, her chocolate brown eyes, her pliant lips, her..

No. NO. He has to stop. She is gone. He was too late. Too late. He could have stopped her. But he did not. He was too damn egotistic. And now, she is.. she is..

"Arjun?! Damn it, Arjun!! What have you done?"

There is scurrying of footsteps, whispering of words. Someone touches his fingers, assesses the injuries. That someone pries the bottle of alcohol as well.

Arjun tries to clear his vision. He blinks repeatedly to do so. All he sees, though, is a faint silhouette. There is something familiar about the person. Something that..

And then, he faints.

~.~

The first thing Arjun substantiates when he wakes up is that he is not alone.

Despite his movements being sluggish and unfocussed, he cranes his neck to scan the room.

Promptly, a figure clad in blue and purple chequered shirt and navy blue jeans immaterializes in front of him.

"Rathore?"

At the mention of his name, Rathore directs his gaze towards Arjun, his expression unreadable before stalking in his direction, the previous expression quickly transforming into fury.

"What the hell were you thinking, Raute?"

Arjun is speechless. Stunned even. It was Rathore?!

Breathlessly, he asks, "It was you? You found me? How did you-

And just like that, many things happen at the same time. Rathore moves aside as she enters the room. Their eyes lock for a fierce moment. Her eyes, her mysterious eyes, soften a bit. She bites her lips, probably, to hold her tears inside. Rathore has a silent conversation with her and then, he leaves the vicinity of the room as she, with tentative steps, walks to him.

It is only when she brushes her knuckles on his bandaged fingers, gliding her fingertips to the slight stubble on his jaw that he is pulled away from his trance like state.

He blinks many times in an attempt to ensure that he is not hallucinating. Satisfied that she is not the product of his alcohol addled brain, he does the only thing that crosses his mind.

Pulling her close to him with his other hand, he breathes her intoxicating smell and kisses her deeply.

Their lips are still moving with the known rhythm when Arjun abruptly ends the kiss.

"Sakshi.. I-

Quickly placing her dainty fingertips on his lips, Sakshi whispers, "Please don't say anything, Arjun. Don't. Words have never been good for us. Words have only hurt us, insult us. So, don't.. I know you want to know why I did not leave.. The truth is I could not.. I saw this family and they were happy and I knew that I wanted this. Wanted us.. I wanted our child to have what we did not. I wanted our child to have a family. Not only mother. Not only father. But, a family."

The tears that she had restrained for the past few hours, finally, flow free. Arjun does not say anything. Nor does he try. He simply places his hand on hers and she knows. Knows that they maybe imperfect, they may be broken, they may be lost. But this? This, here.. is enough.

"Just so you know, our child is going to be a boy so, stop addressing her as a girl."

Next: Part 6