To Papa...With Love (Aayu's Letters)

From a paradise called mumma's cocoon

18 Nov 2012

Papa,

I often remember that day in the mandir when you held mumma's hand and affectionately chided her for taking me away from you. I had done a small flip inside on hearing the words I wanted to so much'but had kept it quiet lest mumma gets distracted. In that one instant I heard my heart awaken; my forever changed in that magical moment just because you showed your first glimpse of love to me'.and because I silently promised to love you for the rest of mine'for the rest of eternity, wherever I am. I think I told you how I scared I was of you when you were angry with ma, with the world, with yourself'so much so that I had hid deep inside mumma and not even let her know that I had arrived'but now all that seems to be eons in the past of my small life. Now you have taken my pain, mumma's pain all as your own, all my fears you have cast into the sea, all my doubts are lost into your determined eyes. And now with every breath that I take inside the woman we both love so much, your voice is my guide, your strength my shelter, and your tenderness my hope. Now I want to live, papa'so much. Earlier I was happy to accept whatever God planned for me'but now I want you to fight Him for my life. I want to come out and look at the beautiful world through you, through ma, through my didis and bhaiya'.cause you and ma taught me that nothing is born for nothing'that I too am worthy of a life.

How did you do it, papa? How did you banish the fear, the darkness? Aha'I know'it's because you brought sunshine in ma's life. You have given her so much happiness that sometimes I drown in the feelings you evoke in her'feelings that flow through her being and reach every tiny pore of tiny me. If only you could hear her heart strum the strings of love and excitement whenever you are close to her, touching her'What? You think I am being naughty? Umm'can I help it that I love to hear the music that flows in her when you are near her? Sometimes it even lulls me to sleep'and so I don't get to see everything'.well, maybe not always, but I did see what you were upto yesterday'when you helped her unclasp that necklace. Ahem'I saw that look'with eyes wide open'that peaceful pleasure you take in being able to give in to your passionate expression when you think she is not looking. What? Just because she is not looking doesn't mean I don't? Aha'this is where I have the advantage over bhaiya and didis. I get to witness the first most beautiful moments of my ma-papa's life. I loved it when you told her that she is so much more beautiful than the moon itself'because she is your moon. She is, isn't she? So beautiful'.the bestest!! She is much, much, much more beautiful from the inside'.but I think you already know that. I wish I could tell you how much I admire you, how much your love for mumma means to me, how much I revel in your caring'I wanted to when you called me that day from the hand phone.

But papa, mumma is very very sad now'you feel it don't you? That's why you assure her so much these days. You too have seen the happy eyes turn into deep aching pools of sorrow. And you also know that she won't tell you anything'not because she doesn't want to but because some unknown fear is holding her back. I understand you, papa'I understand how frustrated you must feel to see ma go through such palpable trauma. If only I could use that phone again and let you know what is bothering her'if only I could tell you the guilt that's slowly consuming her from insides and causing her distress'if only I could tell you that with her I too labor to breathe these days on the face of so much pressure she is going through.

We need you, papa'.more now than ever. We need you to save us from this trauma. She fought you, she fought the doctor, she fought the family'.for me, for my survival. She is again fighting'there's a battle waging inside her'a battle that I am privy to firsthand cause I physically feel the pain of it. Don't go by her outward calmness'try to see the storm behind the serenity, try to hear the painful cry behind the silence, try to understand the lost glow behind the empty brightness. She tried to fight them, papa'she did, and oh so bravely'for you, for being true to you, for the right thing. I was so proud of her'..and at the same time angry'very angry with bade papa and bade mummy for saying such wrong things to her'.for making her go through such agony. They wanted bhaiya's help in saving that man'and they said some horrible things to ma just so she agrees to what they want without telling you.

Very soon you will know what was causing her so much misery'and when you do, try to understand her, papa. I know you will be very disappointed'angry even. Yet, try to understand why she had to hide the secret from you'.try to find out the reason. You know she wouldn't do such a wrong thing, without a reason, without a valid intent, don't you papa? You know how foolishly, endearingly emotional she is'always, always thinking from the heart. She has gone through a lot'.she needs you to be there for her, stand by her, hold her hand when everyone goes against her'she needs you'.I need you. She needs your strength'I need your strength. She will die a thousand deaths if you turn your back to her'I won't survive to see this world if you do!!!

I love you, papa'always will.

Ayu

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From a paradise called mumma's cocoon

14 Dec 2012

Dear Papa,

Well'I admit I was a bit disappointed when I saw her preparing the bed for the night, and I was resigned to another regular night of no adventure'.and then I saw you. You looked so sulky and irritated at her ignoring you in favor of the linen that I sat up again. Aha'surely this is not over Sure enough you taunted her regarding the curtains'she was waiting for something like that, now I know'because I looked up to see her controlling her smile and take you up on that inane offer. And I told myself, "Fun time, Ayu'.mumma is going to be very naughty now." The more she fiddled with the stupid curtain, the more your irritation grew, till you burst out, "Can't you think of anything other than these'these cushions, sheets, and curtains?' Ha'ha'wrong move papa'Mumma's naughty meter just increased. She was still not done with you and your inability to say your say. So she went all softly gooey on you'and you fell for it'.You should have seen yourself, papa'all expectant, eyes closed, feeling her getting closer'and bam'she bamboozled you by going for the wet towel..and then going on and on in an apology spree regarding your fetish for neatness. Didn't I tell you'didn't I'that you need me to defend you? You are such an easy target when she is in that mood'totally hopeless. However, what happened next even took me by surprise.

You stormed past her and upturned the entire neatly made bed'.If you two were not so engrossed in each other, you would have heard my tiny hands clapping at the miracle that had just occurred. Mumma too was like, "What are you doing, Yashji? You love cleanliness so much." I rolled over in mirth at your dramatic, "I was Aartiji'I was'but not anymore"'.but your next words made me look at both of you with starry eyes'."I have changed Aartiji."/ "Really'who changed you?" / "You did, Aartiji'you did." There'at last'out came the gospel truth'and I embraced the warm glow that spread inside mumma. Oh God'she loves you so much'each time I feel this is it'each time she surprises me by loving you some more. And then you staggered and tripped and she supported you'just as you have done so many times earlier. I love to see this invisible strength that you have for each other'.Remember this papa'remember it when she will stagger and trip and look at you for support'Do not withdraw back your arms then. Because if you do'she will fall'following which she will never get up again!!

She put you to bed oh so lovingly, still expecting you to say the words you couldn't'but she knows you papa'She knows how difficult it is for you to be eloquent and she knows that you expect her to listen to the silent confession behind the small talk'.and she does. Believe me, she does. You stop her from leaving you and pull her onto you saying, "Thanks Aartiji'for coming into my life." With those words and your very clear need for her you gave her what her heart sought: Bliss. There she was lying on you'listening to your heartbeats'and closing her eyes in peace. And I?...For the first time in my little life I was safely cocooned between my parents'. For the first time in my little life wherever I looked around I saw only you or mumma'together..so close that I could reach out and touch you both with my tiny hands' For the first time in my little life I lay down my head inside mumma and slept listening to the two sets of heartbeats that are ever so precious than any sound in the world'..And like mumma, for the first time in my little life, I wanted this moment to last a lifetime'for this night to prolong forever! Who knows whether I'll have a tomorrow or not??

I have a confession too to make, papa. I want more now. I know I am being greedy'but please ask God to grant me those breaths that'd allow me to see the outside world, standing between both of you'like bhaiya and didis do. Tell me you'll do this for me papa'be with mumma forever'even when she falters' so that I can have a forever'please papa'tell me, you will!!!!

I love you so much. You are the best papa in the world.

Ayu

From a paradise called mumma's cocoon

01 Feb 2013