From a paradise called mumma's cocoon
18 Nov 2012
Papa,
I often remember that day in the mandir when you held mumma's hand and affectionately chided her for taking me away from you. I had done a small flip inside on hearing the words I wanted to so much…but had kept it quiet lest mumma gets distracted. In that one instant I heard my heart awaken; my forever changed in that magical moment just because you showed your first glimpse of love to me….and because I silently promised to love you for the rest of mine…for the rest of eternity, wherever I am. I think I told you how I scared I was of you when you were angry with ma, with the world, with yourself…so much so that I had hid deep inside mumma and not even let her know that I had arrived…but now all that seems to be eons in the past of my small life. Now you have taken my pain, mumma's pain all as your own, all my fears you have cast into the sea, all my doubts are lost into your determined eyes. And now with every breath that I take inside the woman we both love so much, your voice is my guide, your strength my shelter, and your tenderness my hope. Now I want to live, papa…so much. Earlier I was happy to accept whatever God planned for me…but now I want you to fight Him for my life. I want to come out and look at the beautiful world through you, through ma, through my didis and bhaiya….cause you and ma taught me that nothing is born for nothing…that I too am worthy of a life.
How did you do it, papa? How did you banish the fear, the darkness? Aha…I know…it's because you brought sunshine in ma's life. You have given her so much happiness that sometimes I drown in the feelings you evoke in her…feelings that flow through her being and reach every tiny pore of tiny me. If only you could hear her heart strum the strings of love and excitement whenever you are close to her, touching her…What? You think I am being naughty? Umm…can I help it that I love to hear the music that flows in her when you are near her? Sometimes it even lulls me to sleep…and so I don't get to see everything….well, maybe not always, but I did see what you were upto yesterday…when you helped her unclasp that necklace. Ahem…I saw that look…with eyes wide open…that peaceful pleasure you take in being able to give in to your passionate expression when you think she is not looking. What? Just because she is not looking doesn't mean I don't? Aha…this is where I have the advantage over bhaiya and didis. I get to witness the first most beautiful moments of my ma-papa's life. I loved it when you told her that she is so much more beautiful than the moon itself…because she is your moon. She is, isn't she? So beautiful….the bestest!! She is much, much, much more beautiful from the inside….but I think you already know that. I wish I could tell you how much I admire you, how much your love for mumma means to me, how much I revel in your caring…I wanted to when you called me that day from the hand phone.
But papa, mumma is very very sad now…you feel it don't you? That's why you assure her so much these days. You too have seen the happy eyes turn into deep aching pools of sorrow. And you also know that she won't tell you anything…not because she doesn't want to but because some unknown fear is holding her back. I understand you, papa…I understand how frustrated you must feel to see ma go through such palpable trauma. If only I could use that phone again and let you know what is bothering her…if only I could tell you the guilt that's slowly consuming her from insides and causing her distress…if only I could tell you that with her I too labor to breathe these days on the face of so much pressure she is going through.
We need you, papa….more now than ever. We need you to save us from this trauma. She fought you, she fought the doctor, she fought the family….for me, for my survival. She is again fighting…there's a battle waging inside her…a battle that I am privy to firsthand cause I physically feel the pain of it. Don't go by her outward calmness…try to see the storm behind the serenity, try to hear the painful cry behind the silence, try to understand the lost glow behind the empty brightness. She tried to fight them, papa…she did, and oh so bravely…for you, for being true to you, for the right thing. I was so proud of her…..and at the same time angry…very angry with bade papa and bade mummy for saying such wrong things to her….for making her go through such agony. They wanted bhaiya's help in saving that man…and they said some horrible things to ma just so she agrees to what they want without telling you.
Very soon you will know what was causing her so much misery…and when you do, try to understand her, papa. I know you will be very disappointed…angry even. Yet, try to understand why she had to hide the secret from you….try to find out the reason. You know she wouldn't do such a wrong thing, without a reason, without a valid intent, don't you papa? You know how foolishly, endearingly emotional she is…always, always thinking from the heart. She has gone through a lot….she needs you to be there for her, stand by her, hold her hand when everyone goes against her…she needs you….I need you. She needs your strength…I need your strength. She will die a thousand deaths if you turn your back to her…I won't survive to see this world if you do!!!
I love you, papa…always will.
Ayu
Sports
