Chapter 28
Geet's journal-4
I have bought a big soft bunny for putul's 1st birthday next week.I hope my angel will like it. Pari had left a part of her in maan's life,in the form of this little angel and putul has given me opportunity to become part of her and maan's life.I am part of the moments when putul had grown her first teeth,when she started sitting without support,when she took her first step without any help.I am witness of the extreme joy and contentment present on Maan's face watching his daughter grow.Yes, I am witness only.I can't say that i am part of his feelings.After thatday,when maan came to know about my childhood in orphanage,he and i have made an invisible boundary around ourselves which none of us tried to cross.We spent a lot of time in each other's presence but we are not together.Only string that joints our personal spaces is Putul. However,since last three months, i have reduced my visits to his house.It has been 3 weeks since I have seen putul and maan. I am dying to kiss,to hug,to play with my little angel every minute but I can't step back from my decision of not meeting them for some days.I am doing it for putul's sake. My absence makes maan spend more time with putul as he don't trust putul's nanny much. I think fear of loosing putul is making him restrict his love for putul. I wish I could help him but this emotional distance that we have created between us don't let me.I am afraid of crossing this self made "line" as I am unable to forget "hurt" his words had caused me that day.More the quotient of love,more will be the quotient of hurt caused by our loved ones..
My heart had no more burden on it after the day i had confessed my feelings to him.I feel light and honest in his presence,as nothing is left there hidden from him.More i became transparent to him,more this feeling in my heart grew stronger.It is above the aspects of infatuation and attraction now.I don't need his words anymore to understand him.He don't have to display his emotions anymore infront of me.I can feel his happiness when he sees putul sleeping beside him,though his lips does not carve a smile.That toothy grin does not leave his face for once when pari's parents visit his place to see and play with putul but i can feel his irritation and subtle anger hidden beneath.He consoles pari's mother with brave face when she sheds tears for her dead daughter,but i can see his heart and soul crying more bitterly.I want to console him at that moment but i am scared that i will loose myself in him.I am scared of looking in his eyes because mostly i find them blank.And when they are not blank,I find his eyes questioning me.Questions whose answers i know,but can't dare to answer.Apart from my answers being honest,it is more more necessary for me,what he wants to hear??what he wants me to answer???His last question was "why do i love putul???".I answered honestly but i think my answer was not what he wanted to hear at that moment.My one wrong answer has created this emotional distance between us .Words which will form my answers to his questions does not matter to me anymore.I just want to say that what he wants to hear.I would say "i love him.."if he wants to hear this,I would say.."I don't love him.."if he wants this to hear. But I can't bear this emotional indifference between us...
Just let me know once maan,what you wanted me to answer that day???I am ready to loose myself in you,just say once that you will let me loose in you...I know you don't love me but please don't forbid me from loving you and your daughter!!!!
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[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upkYQqbrjSc[/YOUTUBE]
Song credit-diva7😊
Edited by palindrome - 12 years ago
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CID
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
337