If your partner cheated...

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Purva

@-Purva-

Dazzler

+ 5

Posted: 14 years ago

#31

Hypothetically speaking it is very difficult for anyone to say how one might react if put in a similar situation.

Traditionally we know there are numerous instances of a man being impotent and his wife being forced to get into relationship with another male member of the family in order to provide a child - this practice is quite common in the rural and semi-urban areas of north India.

Again in states like Haryana and Rajasthan because of the highly skewered gender ratios there are numerous instances of a single woman being shared by all male members of the family.

So on one hand while we have issues of acceptance of cheating spouse on the other hand we have issues of polygamy and polyandry being given quasi-social approval. Note that in situations of polyandry where social approval is granted question of male ego does not arise. So do we say that the ego is operative only when there is a fear of social ridicule?

In a woman's case normally a philandering husband is supposed to be the wife's fault for she could not keep her husband happy. She is pressurized socially to accept her husband. A man on the other hand is pressurized to reject the cheating spouse. What would be a man's reaction when dissociated from social stigma - that is something I would be interested in knowing.

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akash08

@akash08

Dazzler

Posted: 14 years ago

#32

Social stigma is less important I would guess. It is purely the feeling of being beaten by another male that would hurt a man..He has to answer what he lacks that the other guy has (even if that guy is SRK or Salman) and once a male ego is hurt.. he can take far worse actions that a woman will take.. does not matter if society will ridicule or not.. in modern days.. people hardly ridicule anyway I guess.. Adultery is not that rare nowadays after all..

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Purva

@-Purva-

Dazzler

+ 5

Posted: 14 years ago

#33

But that is the same question that a woman has to answer - what is it that she lacks. And she is asked this question publicly. When a man cheats, its always the wife who is put into the guilty dock.

Adultery is never been rare - whether it is present day society or ancient Indian.

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rosana1744

@rosana1744

Beginner

Posted: 14 years ago

#34

Originally posted by: Naina2127
If your partner cheated on you once, only once, how would you react? As in, would you let go of the person, would you give them another chance?

What if you were married? Would that change things?

How about having kids?

My ideas about cheating are that we are all humans and mistakes happen. I can imagine being an attractive man, drunk in a night club with friends partying and sexy girl come on to you... i think it can happens to be weak. On the other hand it doesn't mean you don't love your wife, and are not attracted to her.

I mean if SRK would come on to me/you, married woman, totally in love with me/her husband, would we reject him ? Some very strong soul would, some others...

I know this situation is not realistic but it's just to show the point :)

Actually, if he would cheat on me and i would come to know about it, maybe i could understand and try to forgive but i could never forget. Each moment he would spent away from me i would wonder if he is kissing another woman. That would destroy our relationship for sure as i would become possessive, overly suspicious and aggressive due to my lack of trust...

It would ruin our relationship for stupid mistake. So it would be better to be kept well hidden so i never find out. Sometimes telling the truth is just a selfish act to relief your soul from a burden.

But the cheating with a girl he would have come on to, or a friend, or repeated cheating with different girls or with the same girl repeatedly... These are only the pointer of dysfonctional relationship... He doesnt love you anymore, or not enough...

And if he respects you, as a human being, he should tell you and either try to fix your relationship or break it up.

Does the children make a different ? Totally, a separation implies so many difficulties for everybody, that it's really difficult to built enough courage to face the situation and take a harsh decision. So generally you endure the situation a lot longer. You are freer without kids cause you have only yourself and your close family to handle.

But a father unhappy + a mother unhappy = unhappy kids

It's also true that a separation is really difficult for the kids as they will always wish to have their mum and dad at the same time in the same house.

I guess there is no good or bad decision on this matter, it all depends on the situation and the strenght of the people facing it.

Originally posted by: gangubai1

So do we say that the ego is operative only when there is a fear of social ridicule?

It's really personnal opinion, as i didn't convey any survey on the subject.

And I agree that their a big question of ego in this matter.

But i think the root of rejection after cheating is a based on some instinct of property and survival. Humans are animals. Willing to be a dominating "male" or a favourite "female" is natural, as it's better chances to reproduce and save your bloodline.

Originally posted by: gangubai1

Again in states like Haryana and Rajasthan because of the highly skewered gender ratios there are numerous instances of a single woman being shared by all male members of the family.

According to me, in this case the acceptation of cheating is not due to lack of ego but to social pressure.

If she is the only available girl for the family as i guess in this places the dotery must be given to the family of the girl and must be really expensive. The animal instinct of survival and reproduction lead to the polyandrous family. If the other men of the house are not having any chances to have sex in years, they could rape the only girl of the house which would lead to more conflicts than sharing her...

So men accept the situation by obligation and social pressure.

What do you think ?

Edited by rosana1744 - 14 years ago

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neel_jay

@neel_jay

Voyager

Posted: 14 years ago

#35

Originally posted by: akash08
Social stigma is less important I would guess. It is purely the feeling of being beaten by another male that would hurt a man..He has to answer what he lacks that the other guy has (even if that guy is SRK or Salman) and once a male ego is hurt.. he can take far worse actions that a woman will take.. does not matter if society will ridicule or not.. in modern days.. people hardly ridicule anyway I guess.. Adultery is not that rare nowadays after all..

and what makes you think that a woman doesn't have that same ego?? what makes you think it won't break the woman's heart to wonder what she had lacking...

i hate it when men carry different expectations from women! stop treating us like this. cut us the same slack you would yourself! you are entitled to your ego and so is a woman!

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akash08

@akash08

Dazzler

Posted: 14 years ago

#36

Originally posted by: neel_jay

and what makes you think that a woman doesn't have that same ego?? what makes you think it won't break the woman's heart to wonder what she had lacking...

i hate it when men carry different expectations from women! stop treating us like this. cut us the same slack you would yourself! you are entitled to your ego and so is a woman!

well I am out of this crap when it becomes a feminist discussion. At no point I have said women is any different, men or women both can take a decision based on egoistic sentiment but a decision taken on impulse based on one's ego being hurt is not always correct.

I have clearly said I myself may take same decision because my ego will be hurt but that is not necessary correct ation. I am just arguing that just because our ego is hurt, it does mean someone has absolutely broken our trust and can never be trusted again - men and women immaterial.

What is the urgeny of bringing feminism in everything and start fighting in a matured discussion?

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ralphseattle

@ralphseattle

Inactive

Posted: 14 years ago

#37

For me, infidelity and abuse both are unacceptable and reasons for a divorce. Kids or no kids.

Some one says 'cheating once' being okay because it can be because of weakness but how do you know that weak person would not be weak again? Basically you lose the trust. So for me, even if it was only once, I don't want to be with a weak person who forgets about importance/respect/feelings of their partner even if cheating was only for once.

With kids being involved, separation is even more important. Although separation is painful for all, living together will be just as painful and kids will find out sooner or later. (does not mean you have to tell everything to the kids right away, depends on their age & maturity)

Defining cheating is important. For me divorce to happen I feel cheating has to be physical.

All other cheating such as lying, hiding etc is equally bad but I would give second chance in that case and explain to my partner and try to understand the problem as to why my husband did not share it with me in the first place?. The reasoning behind this 2nd type of cheating could be anything from me being unavailable or him fearing that I might get hurt after knowing the truth or something else.

Edited by ralphseattle - 14 years ago

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Tulsey

@Tulsey

Inactive

Posted: 14 years ago

#38

In our current era there just doesn't seem to be a general feeling and admiration of honor, morality, fidelity among both men and women.

There is promoted adultery in lot of movies they glorify adultery, it seems that after having done it, nothing would happend, and no consequences, but the truth is this is really devastating for the other partner.

I think that such partners who commit adultary in a marriage or a relatinship lack religious morals,and i think these people suffer from a lack of love and care from their own families.

Personally, I can't relate to cheating. I've never done it nor plan to. After all, dishonesty and lying are two of my biggest pet peeves.

They're inexcusable. To cheat on a lover is cowardly, selfish, and just plain wrong.

And cheating can take a toll on the mental, and maybe even the physical, well-being of both the cheater and the cheated '- both of whom are left with the emotional scars of lies and betrayal ' or worse, the physical effects of an unwanted disease.

Still, I'll admit that it's easy to sit around and play Judge Judy. So why do they risk so much for so little? After all, infidelity is not normal behavior, but the symptom of a much bigger problem.

a relationship is a two-way street.

If you've been cheated on, there were likely some relationship red flags you ignored that could have prevented this behaviour.

I am going to draw a line on this now as i am not sure of the age of the audience.

Edited by Tulsey - 14 years ago

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veil_of_roses

@veil_of_roses

Rocker

+ 2

Posted: 14 years ago

#39

Originally posted by: akash08
Social stigma is less important I would guess. It is purely the feeling of being beaten by another male that would hurt a man..He has to answer what he lacks that the other guy has (even if that guy is SRK or Salman) and once a male ego is hurt.. he can take far worse actions that a woman will take.. does not matter if society will ridicule or not.. in modern days.. people hardly ridicule anyway I guess.. Adultery is not that rare nowadays after all..

man can treat his wife the way he want..if he cheat once "just physically" than she should excuse him..coz probably she is not attractive enough or man need variety...🤔

n if woman cheats it comes on "EGO" n man can do anything when comes on ego...

well if women do have Self respect n their emotion n Ego hurts too.

Coming to main question

for my case I cant even think about infidelity...it can be heart breaking, devastating for me

"physical involvement &/or mental involvement are equal for me "

I am possesive & I dont like my husband being emotionally attached with any other woman beside me,his mom n sister.
well m not sure wat will I do..I cant say it like that...If love some1 its not that easy to just break relationship. specially when kids are involved...Plus I did love that person.So I am not sure. I cant ever Forget. I might give my relationship a try but if that behavior repeats or thr are lot of fights n general Unhappiness..I would say quit.

-Gargi

Edited by veil_of_roses - 14 years ago

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