P&P
Part 23
Shantanu sat there unseeing eyes looking like a sheet of dull opaque glass... like on a grey rainy day... the suns having hidden behind a cloud cover which seemed to say.. it would never let it shine... His slim fingers played with the delicate gold pen in his hand ..the clicketty..click.. of the pen was the only sound along with the soft hum of the air conditioning... He looked bleakly at the blurring words below.. in the golden diary that lay open in front of him. And the voices came again... As ever they haunted him... As always... As he read...
Dear Diary...
Today.. I finally admitted "I love you Doc..." Aaj hui main parineeta... I did not think that love could be so blissfull.. Could make you feel so complete... How was I "I".. without him.. how did I call myself whole.. complete... Incomplete I was.. but now.. I am complete... dhat.. his little ways of making me feel wanted... what shall I say Diary.. that I feel shy to date...
The jarring sound of the knocking on the door brought him back to the present and he looked at the pen in his hand.. her gift to him... He dared to glance at her picture on his desk... It was taken on Mehra's wedding.. this one was a close-up where she was smiling with love shining in her eyes... looking at her Doc... A faint cynical smile stayed on his lips, the muscle jerking in his throat.. The knocking was persistent and wouldn't stop. He bit out a hard "Yes?" The door opened and he heard a soft relieved voice "Chote!?"
Shantanu steeled himself and looked up to face the voice and said in a neutral disinterested welcome "Bhai! come on in.." Akshay tentatively tried to judge his brother's mood but met a dead end.. a wall.. "Where are you Shantanu? Mom has been trying to reach you since morning!!!" Shantanu merely looked with his eyes and then went on to glance at the pen in his hand before opening a folder and jotted something with the same pen.
Akshay waited frustrated yet keeping patient and then Shantanu looked up "Mom.. yes of course... I. .. I will ring her..." That snapped bhai's patience and he sharply inhaled about to blast him when a knock followed interrupting Akshay... Shantanu still concentrating on his folder barked out another indifferent "Yes.." The door opened and another soft voice spoke "Shaan?" Shantanu stilled and stood up and looked towards the voice, a little softer look upon his face making him a bit approachable... "Ma... is.. everything okay?" Akshay had now sauntered over to the sofa and had seated himself knowing that maybe Radha Ma might get through to him...
Radha smiled softly a pain in her eyes but she nodded quickly assuring him as she spoke... "Budthal.. yes everything is okay.. still the same... I thought I should speak to you beta..." Akshay rose as he smiled his thanks to Ma and she gently waved him bye.. "chote I am waiting for you in the parking lot.." Before Shatanu could reply bhai shut the door gently and he turned to Ma... Radha saw the dairy on the table and taking a deep breath murmured.. "Shaan, tell me something.. would she have approved? Your behaviour towards your family, your retracting like this in a shell.. tell me beta... It is your Mom-Dad's anniversary... she would have wanted to be there.. I am sure..."
Shantanu closed his eyes feeling a strange dryness in them... "Ma please.. I.. I can't.. simply just enjoy.. she.. she is.." Radha firmly interrupted her... "She is doing fine!!! You know that too.. and there are doctors here who are taking care of her.. In fact I came here to tell you, we are going too.. and I expect you to be there.. It is their 50th anniversary.. You owe it to your parents Shaan... will you not do that much.. for them, for me, for her?"
He waited staring out of the window of his private clinic.. Everything here had her stamp.. everything designed with so much love, with care... under her personal guidance and watch... Ma had come all the way from the hospital for this he knew it... but he could not just seem to lift his feet... Radha saw the war flit across the handsome face of her son-in-law... She sighed and softly touched his hard unrelenting shoulder "Shaan... she will come around.. I am confident.. you love her too much.. nothing will happen to her Shaan... nothing..."
Tears gathered in her eyes but the browns remained dry.. he had not shed a single tear since the fateful night.. when she had crashed her car... she shuddered as one tear escaped with a soft sob making him turn and take her into his arms.. soothing her pain... knowing that her one and only daughter was in the bed in a state of unconsciousness... She had been brave.. had the will of iron.. a pillar of strength for him.. for papa.. for Manu.. the least he could do was be her strength too...
He rubbed her back and murmured "Shhh... bas.. you know I hate tears Ma... sob sob sponge.. as Papa says..." and Radha gave out a muffled laugh which was a sob too... "Then promise me that you will attend tonight's function.. Chaand has made special arrangements for a nurse and a doctor to be there at her side.. And then we will leave to return here early.. but you must be there Shaan.. for the sake of your parents... She felt him relent and breathed in with a thankful sigh...
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He hated to go to Khandelwal house... But he had to.. he had promised Ma... He sighed as he parked and lifted out his laptop and the diary carefully as he slinked inside through the side door and up to his room with heavy feet... The fateful day more than clear in his eyes still... he reached the sanctity of their room and tried not to look at the huge blowup of their photograph.. her smiling eyes, happy face looking up at him... loving him.. her eyes speaking of every emotion that she had felt.. on th anniversary of their wedding... when she had been 2 months pregnant... the pain sliced through him.. as he grimly grit his teeth... and flung the bag carelessly onto the desk... trying not to think of the fateful night...
"SSSHHHAAANNN HURRRYYY" Manu's voice still ringing in his ears... as he had held his cell tightly... He had just got off the plane which had brought him back to Mumbai after a conference at Delhi.. She was to come to the airport to receive him and he had met Manu's phone as soon as he switched ON his cell... "Shaan, her car crashed.. Shaan.. hurrryyy" Fear had risen and he had rushed to the hospital like a mad man...
He still remembered the look on Chaand's face as she had tear streaked face informed him... "We tried bhaiya.. sorrry... we.. we could not save the baby... we... sorrry..." She had clung to his chest as he stood like as if carved in stone... Manu had held his shoulder... Ma and Papa were distraught and Mom-Dad were trying to control themselves... In a shock he moved.. towards the recovery room where she lay.. covered in bandages.. tubes through her... attached to machines... And he could not take it any more as he rushed to the washroom nearby...
Shantanu jerked as a soft knock interrupted his nightmare that haunted him an he turned to see Mom enter slowly... "Shaan... betaa..." He sighed and spoke in a soft tone.. "Mom.. I.. I am sorry.. I have not been the best beta right.. par kya karoon..." Madhavi gently rushed to him and caressed his face chiding with her eyes... "Shhh.. sorry nahin kehte.. ma hoon main teri.. I know how difficult this is for you.. it has been fro everyone.. And.. I.. we.. did not want this.. but..."
He interrupted his Mom with a chiding look and hugged her.. "No Mom... please aisa mat kahiye.. It is what she would ahve wanted to celebrate too... give me 10 minutes.. I will come down soon..." Madhavi smiled as she teary eyed stared into her son's dry eyed stone face... knowing that he had still not let go of his emotions... Ever since her car crash.. he had not let go... she prayed daily to God asking the almighty to give him strength.. to bear this crisis that had fallen upon their family...
Daadi sat in a corner as she saw the guests mill by.. some greeting her as she smiled acknowledging their greetings.. but she knew the pain this was for her gandson.. especially when a few would unthinkingly remind him... Earlier he had dressed and entered her room.. She had smiled at him gently and had usually asked.. "Dekh aaya usse? Kaisi hain meri laado?" He had sighed and grimly informed him that she was better but still status quo...
He dreaded the fact of when she would come to consciousness... How will he face her then? How will he tell her that they had lost something that had been precious to them both, which they ahd created with so much love and trust... In the distance he stared at daadi who encouraged him with smiling eyes as if saying.. "chin up.." Pointing upwards she signalled to him as if saying..'Uparwaala sab acche ke liye karta hain Trust him.. Have faith in him...'
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He entered her room with heavy feet... Manu jerked around at the sound.. and then in relief sagged as he saw him... he moved out and murmured... "The doctor had visited... and informed me to tell you that the reports are on your table.. have a look.. It seems it is postive.." That bit of information gave Shantnau a streak of hope.. and his eyes brightened just a bit.. as Manu placed his hand on the hard shoulder and he murmured.. "Manu.. dammit, I feel like shaking her from this beauty sleep... Does she not listen to you..."
Manu stared moist eyed at this man.. who loved her to death... who had not ey shed a soingle tear.. he was confident that she would come to... trusted as if he was told by God himself... Manu sighed in reply and then spoke in a soft voice.. "Shaan... I am sure she is listening... to you..." shantanu turned and smiled, without feeling.. but nodded and touched Manu's hand in gratitude and murmured.. "you should get going Man... Mahi is waiting there at the party.. for dinner.. " Manu nodded as he moved to leave to wish his parents...
Shantanu sat down slowly near the still form of his wife... still in bandages.. tubes inserted everywhere... she was on a ventilator.. as he gently touched th pale wisp of a hand that was uncovered... Feeling a heat course through him which he acknowledged with a smile... and a feeling of satisfaction... he placed the diary onto a table near him and then began his whispering.. "Dammit Jingles.. how much more will I have to wait.. Please come back... I love you... I love you so much... Come back... " The monitor beeped its usual beep beep.. indicating hte regular heart beat... as the hirring started and stoped.. and she breathed.. the room air conditioned to a suitable temperature... but he felt he presence... and then lifting the diary he went back to the beginning... flipping the page where she had written in her beautiful handwriting...
Dear Diary...
He loves me... he loves me Diary.. I am soo happy... he loves me...
And his eyes drooped as he remembered that golden memory too through he eyes.. her words...
"Shaan.. when did you get here?" Ma asked him with surprise as she saw him dressed in a beautiful white kurta.. Today was really special as finally Mahi had said yes to marry Manu and Manu ahd just told her of the good news... But that would come later as today was their first holi and Khanak had come to Radhakunj last night alone.. saying that Shantanu was going away for a day's surgery to delhi and might not be able to make it for the holi celebrations... Radha had been ecstatic when she had seen him.. he smiled and touched her feet and she hugged him... She smiled and murmured.. "Kal Khanak ko dekh ke aisa lagaa ke tum dono mein koi jhahdaa hua hain.. I hope that is not ture?" He smiled and shook his head but bit his lip for lying.. He had in fact been cruel to her... Not wanting to remember that he smiled and she shook her head and said.. she should be here somewhere... and moved off as someone called out to her...
Shantanu sighed and nodded to a few people around as he moved towards the back yard to go though to the inside when he saw Manu in the rose garden.. he was hugging someone and his feet jerked.. Obviously he was not needed.. She had returned to her lover... And why not.. yesterday in the hear and anger he had told her to... he cringed as he remembered his harsh words.. 'Dammit.. go.. go away to your love.. From today I releive you from the agreement that we made... for me.. you are no longer my wife...' he looked down and was about to move away when Manu moved away and smiled down at her and Shantanu's feet jerked... It was not her... it was Mahi.. Manu was hugging Mahi.. Shantanu saw red and without thinking he rushed there and jerking the bloke around slammed his fist into his nose... Mahi shrieked... and Manu frowned his fist balling in retaliation but stopped as Mahi shrieked again... Now he wished that Manu too should have punched him.. knocked sense into him... but then his biggest prejudice had been cleared that day.. when Manu had in a disbelieving tone told him that it was him that Kanks loved... and not Manu... Mahi had discreetly taken Manu off for dressing as he had moved away to find her in her room...
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Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
