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Archie, pass the goss please
In the first of the series, Archana Puran Singh sharpens her talons to give you all the gossip and gloss in Kandy Floss
Salaam, Namaste
Archana: Hi. It's me Archie again, and I am here to make you arch your eyebrows ( Action: arching her eyebrow) in surprise and in shock!
Before Saif could get the rosy-cheeked Rosa to marry him, Rosa went and got her portfolio shot by a famous lensman. Yes, sweeties, the acting bug has bitten the Italian tiramisu too. It's salaam namaste to shaadi for now.
Indian Idol, Abhijeet Sawant has gone in for a complete makeover. But his hair straightening effort has backfired so badly that the poor singer now just wants to curl up and hide in a corner. But dude, the problem doesn't only lie with my hairstyle.
There was a time when Amitabh Bachchanji used to work three shifts a day. But that was 30 years ago and he was raring to go. But now he is daring to go back to work and do 27 scenes in one day for a Bhojpuri film. Just the thought of that gives me a stomach ache. Now I swear you shouldn't risk your life like this.
On the sets of Salaam-e-Ishq, Govinda faced a strange problem. The chirpy Chi Chi's chee-chee-choon-choon seems to have stopped. For, whenever South African actress Shanon speaks, she speaks in her mother tongue and Govinda is dumbstruck. At present both of them are communicating through two expressions, 'salaam' and 'good bye'. But if this, silent communication continues, the 'salaam' and 'good bye' may turn into salaame-ishq (love).
Nowadays Apara Mehta and her on-screen bahu Smriti Irani can't bear the sight of each other. I believe Apara is miffed with Smriti because she introduced Smriti to the stage and made her a theatre actress. Now Smriti has made Apara go backstage. Yes, she has befriended all of Apara's contacts and is grabbing all of Apara's roles. Apara, chill. What's the worst that can happen? People will say, 'Kyunki Apara bhi kabhi stage actress thi'.
After dicing celebrities, let me give you a slice of young life.
Boys will be boys that's a universal fact. Let's go to Olive and check out what our three studs of television are doing there. Chetan Hansraj, Akashdeep Sehgal and Shabbir Ahluwalia are on a Boys' Night Out.
Warning: This section is not heavily recommended for prudes. They will never be the same again, that I guarantee.
Following in pati's footsteps
Kandy: Hello, I am Kandy. I don't let celebs sleep in peace at night and I show them stars in the daytime. I like to keep them on their toes, babes.
If dating in the TV industry continues like this, Amit Jain of Yeh Meri Life Hai may well end up introducing Shama Sikandar as Yeh Meri Wife Hai.
The relationship actress Raveena and her bhabhi, Hum Paanch ki Sweety aka Rakhi, is no longer mast mast. I've heard that when Raveena had yelled, 'My dog is lost, my dog is lost', Rakhi had remarked, "People will say anything for publicity." How catty, na! Raakhi, beware. I've heard that Tandon is ready to do a Tandav and is dying to get her fingers – all five of them – on your face.
Producer Harry Baweja's actor son Harman is very worried about his debut, Love Story 2050. First Kareena said "No", then ex-girlfriend Priyanka Chopra said "Go" and now we've heard Aishwarya Rai has said "Ho ho ho" on being offered the role. Don't worry Harman, before 2050 I'm sure you'll get a heroine.
In UTV's show Arranged Marriage, Sweta Keswani co-stars with the husband-wife duo Rajeshwari and Varun Badola. But this arrangement has every chance of backfiring. Sweta is mad as a wet hen because Rajeshwari follows her husband about like a shadow on the sets.
Rajeshwari, don't worry. Very few people want your chubby hubby. He is all yours, for all seven lives. Hai na, Sweta?
I have to concede, however reluctantly, that stone-hearted Kandy's party coverage always rocks. She makes the most boring parties seem like fun. But, this funda of fun changes from celebrity to celebrity. Now, consider love-making. What works better for a perfect romantic ambience – lights on or lights off? Let's throw some light on the matter. (All the lights go off, and a spotlight falls on Archana) Arrey, not on me, throw light on the matter.
Society Meter
Archana: According to me, thinking of your husband as God is very MS. MS means 'Main Bhi Hoon society, bhai'. Yes, the time has come for Archie, that's me, to declare my HS/LS/MS list. Like petrol prices, this list also changes every week.
On-screen obsession with infidelity: Very HS. A mainstream director like Karan Johar is also tackling the theme of infidelity in his latest film Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna.
Off-screen infidelity: Very LS. Why get into silly-silas?
Throwing Jaya Bachchan out of the Rajya Sabha: LS. Why pick on the smallest player? And we're not talking about height here. Husband Amitabh Bachchan's 'no comments' stance on this issue: Very HS.
Before entering the cesspool of politics, Jaya should have been prepared to face the bouquets and brickbats. Right Mr B?
Saif Being Cyrus: Very HS. Cyrus of Parsi colony Being Saif: MS. Why be a wannabe Saif when you can be an original Cyrus, su kaye deekra?
TV husbands working with their wives in serials: Very HS. Bollywood stars making their wives sit at home after marriage: Very LS. They're wives, not pickle after all.
Non-star comedy Malamaal Weekly's producer becoming malamaal overnight: Very HS. Stars demanding four and five crore rupees from their producers: LS. You'll be malamaal, but your producer will be kangal, not done yaar.
Kandy Floss will be aired on March 31, at 11 pm on Sony Entertainment
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