Part 31: A breath of fresh air.
<Geet's monologue>
No I was not crazyā¦I had to find out what it felt likeā¦Aahā¦.my lungs hurtā¦.my stomach was pulled inā¦the water was gushing in through my earsā¦I couldn't keep my mouth shut all the whileā¦I gasped and let some water flow inā¦it was freezing coldā¦it cut through my skin like bladesā¦I couldn't hold it any longerā¦perhaps I can push it for a couple of more secondsā¦I triedā¦the pain was unbearableā¦I came out...
My chest expanded as I took that breath of airā¦ it made it through my wind pipeā¦and finally my lungsā¦I was gaspingā¦I couldn't even thinkā¦I had to do itā¦I wanted to know if it hurt the same way you need that breath of air to live onā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦and it did.
Courtesy: Moth Art
One hour earlierā¦
I came back from office and sat myself on the bedā¦I was missing him badlyā¦he had not come to office that week eitherā¦The last I saw him was on Monday when he came by for dinnerā¦it's been 4 days alreadyā¦he didn't show up for dinner or at office. No calls, no emails, no contact, no meetings.
There was absolutely nothing that could hold my concentration nowā¦all I could think of was him.
It was high timeā¦I had to face the facts.I brushed aside my theories of hot chocolate, randomness, people are not personal and I had to think through what happened that night.
Or for that matter in my lifeā¦
I had to play back our exchange that nightā¦
I was mad because I wasn't prepared to handle Shasha's questionā¦.I covered it up by saying that I was very much in a relationship with Devā¦Because I didn't want to encourage gossip about me and himā¦
I told him the same thingā¦he didn't reactā¦I started cryingā¦He was cold and indifferentā¦
It was like clockworkā¦my brain was putting together things that I had not noticed beforeā¦
That's itā¦
ā¦That I was still in a relationship with Devā¦.Is that what pushed him away? Babajiā¦and I didn't even make an effort to understand himā¦He must have thought about all the time we spent at Niagaraā¦all that was feltā¦
The cupcakesā¦the closenessā¦him opening up to meā¦ holding me during the fireworksā¦
By giving that answerā¦I made him feel like he was the "other" guy between me and Dev?...
There were so many questions I wanted to know the answer forā¦how deep did I scar him? Have I tainted whatever it is that we shared?
Babajiā¦I missed him so badlyā¦that was the one thing that my mind kept repeatingā¦
Butā¦why did I miss himā¦so much? Was it just attraction? Or was itā¦..
I feard even announcing it to my inner selfā¦Loveā¦There I said itā¦
I had never ever been in love and I didn't know what it wasā¦I loved my parentsā¦darjiā¦and my brother and sisterā¦but that was a different kind of loveā¦the kind I was sure ofā¦
But the love I should feel for the one man in my lifeā¦my life partnerā¦my one and onlyā¦my soul mateā¦I wasn't sure how it felt..or tastedā¦or soundedā¦I had not been fortunate to identify with such emotionsā¦
It troubled me that Maan was so close to me during the toughest tides of my lifeā¦
He was there day in and outā¦he helped me cross some difficult phases of my lifeā¦Do I really love him? Or was it a mere attraction that my mind had become so obsessed about to replace the disappointment that Dev had given me in my lifeā¦
It was too early for me to answer my questionā¦He had been around me all the timeā¦he had provided me so muchā¦those tripsā¦a homeā¦how could I ever measure what he kept doing to keep me goingā¦all in allā¦he had chipped away all that did not make me, Meā¦it ached that there was one more thing to considerā¦So was it attraction? Or love? Or gratitude?
I still needed him badlyā¦I didn't know how to bucket the need for nowā¦
It made sense why he didn't want to be any part of the decision about my marriageā¦I had pushed him away when I continued clamining to be in a relationship with Dev. It's fair that the decision was mine to makeā¦mine to decide how I wanted to handle office gossipā¦
There was absolutely no need for me to have said those parting wordsā¦
My heart ached againā¦If I was irrational, then why didn't he understand what I was going through? Didn't we have any compatibility?
Can I ask that question? What if I'm nothing more than a special friend to him? It was not mine to answer.
Why did he feel so superior all the time?
I said somethings without thinking too muchā¦but the next time this happens; do I have to keep following him around all the time? I wasn't sure how healthy such a relationship would beā¦I probably knew the answerā¦I had lived that life for 5 years alreadyā¦it could only breed resentment in me.
Now all this didn't matterā¦I didn't care what my stance was about what I had for himā¦I needed him badlyā¦how badly did I need him?ā¦I wanted to find outā¦I walked to the swimming poolā¦took off my jacket, scarf and bootsā¦stripped of all the layers I was wearing above my top and capriā¦I created a small clearing in the pool cover by removing the velcrowā¦I didn't think twice about what I was about to doā¦I just had to find out how badly I needed himā¦I jumped.
I needed him as badly as I needed that breath of airā¦to liveā¦to exist.
I gathered my clothes and took the elevator up to my floor.
<Maan's monologue>
It was the first day of classā¦there were announcements being made to sign up for the charity showā¦I was not interestedā¦I would be attracting the media unnecessarilyā¦
Maan:" Meeraā¦I'm not signing up for the charity showā¦you will have to find a partnerā¦I'm planning to donate money insteadā¦"
Meera:" But MKā¦the practice sessions are for the charity showā¦"
Maan:" Meera I'm sorryā¦I signed up for getting you and Yash togetherā¦moreover I'm not comfortable doing thisā¦me being in the picture will strain the relationship between you and her tooā¦I don't care if I get to be around her or notā¦I want you to watch out for herā¦"
Meera:"MKā¦sureā¦I will start looking for a partnerā¦but until thenā¦"
I couldn't help smileā¦
Maan:" Don't worryā¦Romeo is here watching us from the windowā¦.I will not miss this opportunity for the world untilā¦you find another partnerā¦"
Yash was there alright watching us through the windowā¦
Meera:" Do you want to let Geet in on this?"
Maan:" Yes you should probably tell herā¦"
Meera:" Are you guys talking now?"
Maan:" I don't thinkā¦its going to happenā¦may be this break is foreverā¦"
I had lost hopeā¦it was already more than 2 weeks since that nightā¦she didn't give inā¦I didn't want to barge into her life without knowing where I stoodā¦I was wrongā¦I still didn't care if we were ever going to be togetherā¦but not knowing her answer for sure was slowly eroding meā¦
Should I let her know? I wonderedā¦ A weak momentā¦But I was determined not to declare myself until I was sure her past was out of her lifeā¦I didn't know if that day would ever comeā¦
We were done with the sessionā¦it was already 9.00 PMā¦the class was only a few blocks from the apartmentā¦we walked backā¦took the elevator to her apartment.
I walked Meera to the door and turned to get backā¦.
She was drippingā¦and shiveringā¦and her skin had turned paleā¦from the blood being drained off her faceā¦She shook as if she was being jolted with ampsā¦
What had she done?
She didn't face meā¦She slowly walked into the living roomā¦I followedā¦Meera was shocked and froze to deathā¦.She didn't react and walked staright to the bathroomā¦
Meera followed to check on herā¦
I was in a frezyā¦where was she coming from? What was she doin?...I had to find outā¦
Meera came back and told me that she was sititng in the tub under the hot showerā¦Good that was the only way she was going to warm up.
Meera once again came back and told me that she was back in her roomā¦I stormed into her roomā¦I didn't careā¦I needed some anwersā¦.
She was tiredā¦and still partly pale and shivering badlyā¦Meera followed and wrapped her with more blanketsā¦
We each took her hand and started rubbing it to create some heatā¦.I moved to warm her feet the same wayā¦
She spoke weaklyā¦
Geet:"People don't get scaredā¦I just wanted to swim in NY winter to see how it felt likeā¦"
She smiledā¦
She was warming up slowlyā¦
Maan:" Meera if you don't mindā¦I want to talk to her personallyā¦"
<Geet's monologue>
A strange fear crept inside meā¦he looked madā¦
Once she left the roomā¦he followed and closed the doorā¦
He rushed to be back by my sideā¦I was leaning on the pillowsā¦half seatedā¦
Maan:"What is this Geet? Can you please tell me what you were attempting?"
Oops did he think I was trying to kill myselfā¦I smiledā¦I wasn't going to die before I find out what I had for himā¦or at the very least what he had for meā¦
I was feeling much better nowā¦my cheeks were a pale pinkā¦
Geet:"Maanā¦its not what you thinkā¦I really just wanted to feelā¦what it felt likeā¦to be out of breathā¦I meanā¦just experience the iceā¦coldnessā¦"
Maan:"Yeh! Kya paagalpan hai Geetā¦.Now what is this new experiment?"
He was pushing meā¦paagalpanā¦haanā¦I was wanting to know how badly I wanted himā¦if it came close to that same instantā¦where all I wanted was just a breath of airā¦
Geet:" Noā¦just wanted to see how it felt like to be youā¦"
I imagined those cold nights that went by without his callā¦
Maan:"Geetā¦"
He eyes glimmered of rageā¦
Maan:" If you think I'm coldā¦then how exactly have you been?...this whole thing has turned morbidā¦"
He was holding my arm and shook me as if he demanded an answerā¦
I tried to let go of his grip on my armā¦
Geet:" Chodiye mujheā¦maanā¦"
He let go of my handā¦ he turned towards the wallā¦and was holding his head with his handsā¦
I couldn't see him like that...He was distressedā¦I was turning it into morbid? My stubbornness was being stretchedā¦I wasn't sure when it was going to plopā¦I had been behind a heartless person for 5 years and I was hesitating to apologize to himā¦Maanā¦
The one who was always there for meā¦everything changed in a few secondsā¦I didn't like the fact that I was yo-yoingā¦one minute I insulted himā¦and the next I wanted to pursue himā¦
I sat up and leaned forwardā¦I placed my hand on his shoulderā¦to see if I could wake him up from the pain he was going throughā¦
He brushed my hands offā¦
I leaned closerā¦to whisperā¦
Geet:" Will it ā¦"
He turned in such force and pinned me to the pillowā¦
Maan:" Chupā¦.Main tumse baat nahin karna chahte hoon abhiā¦"
He turned and continued holding his headā¦
Time passedā¦its been 15 mts and we had been sitting in the same positionā¦
I was determined to break the silenceā¦
Geet:" Aapā¦" Maan:" Tumā¦"
We spoke at the same timeā¦ I was least expecting him to break into a smile.
His smile made me do crazy thingsā¦and the minutes that followed were one of the manyā¦
Geet:"I don't think I gave the right answer to Shashaā¦if it means anything to youā¦."
I lifted my head to look at himā¦
Maan:"Geet why are we discussing this again?...I already told you that you handled it the way you wanted to and that its fineā¦"
Geet:" No Maanā¦.I want you to knowā¦"
He wasn't facing meā¦I moved closer to make sure that he knew I wanted to look at himā¦he turned and faced meā¦
Geet:"I want you to knowā¦that it is the worng answerā¦and if I could turn back timeā¦and go back to that exact momentā¦then I would answer it differently this timeā¦"
He looked at meā¦curious to knowā¦I didn't break my gaze with himā¦I wanted him to know that it was the truthā¦
Geet:"I would answer that I wouldn't go to Toronto because it was a destination of my pastā¦and that I didn't like to visit my pastā¦"
<Maan's monologue>
She gave me the answer I was looking forā¦I only needed her answer to one more questionā¦I had no idea why but something was holding me back at that momentā¦I was not someone who believed big on papersā¦but I wanted to make sure she was legally mineā¦I had to wait until her past was buried with its proper rites.
Maan:" They sayā¦if you can change one thing in the pastā¦then the change trickles down and changes everythingā¦if that holds goodā¦then I guess my answer would have been different tooā¦"
She wanted to know what it wasā¦
Geet:" Andā¦."
She lowered her eyesā¦She couldn't look into mineā¦
I mustered up to cup my hand around her cheekā¦she didn't expect thatā¦.our gaze lockedā¦
Maan:" And I would have said that nothing mattered more than your happinessā¦and I promiseā¦that answer will never change no matter what you go back and change in the pastā¦"
I was lost in her eyesā¦
I wanted to change the air around us...I wasn't sure what I would do next if I was allowed to gaze at her in such proximity...
Maan:"And in the future if you are jumping into a pool of ice cold water...just make sure you have me around..."
She smiled and turned away....
This was probably what it truly meant to turn back timeā¦the fog had cleared and the veil of anger had been removedā¦
She had her answers and my doubts had been clearedā¦I had missed her terriblyā¦She was back to walk with me...at least until time decides to put us at the crossroads...I prayed that day would never come...
Amidst all the joy there was a strange omen inside meā¦something called to my attentionā¦Yes Dev was a thing of her past which she was ready to bury behind herā¦.but there was no way to ascertain what was to be her futureā¦
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
134