Yun Hota Toh Kya Hota?
by Sabah Shaikh
Be it a Bollywood film, a swanky car, fizzy drink or durable underwear, star power is what makes it saleable. Or does it?
When Rajeev Khandelwal decided to make a switch from the small screen to the big, his fans were happy. When they found out his debut would be released alongside the Bachchans' Sarkar Raj, they raised their eyebrows in concern. When it was revealed that the only star-related factor Aamir ' Rajeev's debut film ' had was its name, they fainted. Rajeev, who'd only displayed his ability to romance co-actor and good friend Aamna Sharieff until then, had indeed chosen a strange way to enter Bollywood.
No size-zero leading ladies to grope on screen, no firangi extras dancing in the background, no foreign locales, no comic side-kicks, not even a single established name in the industry associated with the film. To make matters more difficult, the first family of Bollywood had been doing the rounds of every high-profile event for their 'pet project's promotions. But Aamir proved the age-old saying right. Sometimes, good things come in small packages. It is difficult to believe Rajeev had only been 'acting' in a saas-bahu saga before Bollywood happened.
That the actor is incredibly gifted hits you regularly through the two-hour film. Aamir compels you to take a look at that neglected part of your city you've never stepped in and, given a chance, will never go to. Although the film opens with Mumbai's state-of-the-art airport and stately Victoria Terminus, it soon makes you come face-to-face with its ugly realities. The film's director, another first-timer called Rajkumar Gupta, has also sprung a surprise. Despite an utterly unattractive package, with no sexual content or star names to depend on, Aamir arrives with a bang! But let's assume the film had been handled by some big banners. Would the outcome be as interesting?
Karan Johar's Dharma Productions
No prizes for guessing who'd play the lead here! The film would inevitably star Shah Rukh Khan and would probably be co-produced by Gauri Khan. And if Shah Rukh were to play the protagonist, the name Aamir would not find a place in its title at any cost. Let's assume it would be called Kabhi Kabhie Kuch Kuch Ho Jata Hai, with the streets of New York as a backdrop. There would be a guest appearance by Rani Mukerji, Kajol (who would have turned down the lead) and a bunch of guests from Koffee with Karan. Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy would whip up a breathtaking musical score that would also feature a couple of celebratory songs like Shava Shava and Mahi Ve. In the end, Shah Rukh would either walk away with the film's heroine or die trying.
Sanjay Gupta's White Feather Films
The film would be titled AK-47 or something similar. Sanjay Dutt, Viveik Oberoi, Rohit Roy and a fresh face ' most probably a tanned hunk ' would feature as the leads. There would be a scorching, sizzling item number by Neha Oberoi or Dia Mirza or both. The film would be shot in sepia mode either in aamchi Mumbai or the shady addas of a city in the United States. The leading men would be a bunch of trigger happy hunks, with a fetish for untamed women and a past that would justify their current criminal ways. The film would end in a blink-and-you-miss-it death sequence of the newcomer a.k.a. tanned beefcake, a couple of the rest would end up in jail and one of them (Sanjay Dutt, possibly) would emerge victorious. Any resemblance to a Korean flick would be purely coincidental!
Sooraj Barjatya's Rajshri Productions
Assuming the film would be called Hum Aamir Ke Saath Hain, its star cast would be as big as its name. Salman 'Prem' Khan would be the man in trouble. And since Sallu's Pappu-larity in industry circles is quite high, he'd be sporting enough to bear the screen name 'Aamir'. He'd live in a mansion bigger than the White House and would have Mohnish Behl, Reema Lagoo, Alok Nath and a whole list of actors as his ever loving family. Salman, like Rajeev, would be confronted with a dire situation and his Khan-daan would come to the rescue. Only after an anniversary celebration, an engagement, a wedding and/or a birthday though. A bitchy family friend ' Kunika Lal or Bindu ' would try and break the unity by trying to convince them to dump Aamir, and naturally fail. After about four hours into the film, the gods would start to smile on them and they'd live happily ever after.
Mahesh Bhatt's Vishesh Films
Unlike others that open with a disclaimer, this film would actually claim to be inspired by real life, most probably, Mahesh Bhatt's own. The film's title would be Aamir Ko Nahi Milli Jannat, although I'm keeping a host of other pristine Urdu options open. The lead would without a doubt be played by Emraan Hashmi. This would lead to the accommodation of at least a couple of kissing scenes. The prostitutes Aamir bumps into in the original film looked like they'd just been picked off the street. But here, one of them will be the film's heroine, possibly Kangana Ranaut, driven to take up the profession due to unforeseen circumstances. Emraan would rescue her and together they'd be on the run. This could lead to more kissing scenes! Is anyone still interested in finding out what happens next?
Ekta Kapoor's Balaji Motion Pictures
Finally, time to consider what would've happened if Rajeev and Ekta had never fallen out. Ekta would be the one launching the actor with this film. Only, Aamir would then be called Kahaani Aamir Kii or Kasauti Aamir Kii or Kkya hua Aamir Kaa! The shoot would start off well, but mid-way Ekta would realise she couldn't stand Rajeev's attitude problems. Bam! Rajeev would be bumped off by a car, would end up in hospital, get plastic surgery and re-enter as Ronit Roy. Meanwhile, his family ' which would include Anita Hassanandani, Hiten Tejwani, Ram Kapoor and Aamna Sharieff ' would cry their eyes out over the loss. Flashbacks would comprise this portion of the film. If only they knew that the guy who's entered the household as the gardener was their knight in shining armour, Aamir. I'm trying hard to think of a suitable end to this saga, but it seems, like Ekta, I too have run out of ideas!
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