Do you guys agree with Mumtaz's take on Boney/Sridevi? - Page 10

Reading this thread, you’d think Binet kapoor is some prized catch when he was born bald with a beer belly. Like wut

It was a different era. Dharmendra and Prakash married when they were 19. She was a simple woman who didn’t want to face the world alone and the social stigma of a divorcee. He respected her wishes and converted to Islam to marry Hema Malini.

This is what Prakash said in an interview once -

“I am learning to stand on my own. But why should I protect myself when I have my husband to protect me? I don't care what the world may say about the kind of relationship I share with my husband. Where I am concerned I know that my husband is protecting all of us. He comes home every day and spends time with the children. I don't say that he comes home for me. But what is important is that he does come home."

She even defends him for marrying Hema Malini by saying anyone would get attracted to her and people have no right to point fingers at their arrangement.

Originally posted by: Beautyful_Mess

Dharmendra wanted to break it off?? Why would she (his first wife) want to stay with a man who clearly didn’t want her?? I always it was a case of him being a coward and not wanting to divorce his wife for the kids or something that he converted to Islam. Why did the wife want to hold to him if he was willing to let go?? 😢😢

I don’t know what science says but no one benefit from a relationship where one partner doesn’t want to be in it. Not the kids, no the one that wants to leave and definitely not the partner that wants to hold on to a relationship that no longer serves their needs. If someone want to leave you simply just let them go for the betterment of everyone involved but more importantly for your own sake and for your kids sake. You’re only hurting yourself to stay in a relationship where you’re not wanted, loved and appreciated as much and as well as you deserve. Marriage shouldn’t be a life sentence either, if someone no longer feels they can fulfill their partner’s needs or their needs aren’t met for whatever reason whether it’s emotional, physical or financial then they should be able to walk away at any point of time. They are not in prison. Cheating is wrong, always has been and always will be and I’m not in any way justifying cheating but I will also never understand why society or even the people involved would want two people to stick together for the sake of their children. Growing in a environment where your parents dislike or even resent each other is no way healthy or shapes “better” kids. If anything it traumatises them to a point where they fear relationships in general. Parents can very well take care of their kids while apart but more often then not either the wife/husband is so hurt that they make the parent child relationship go sour. Sometimes perfectly good parents aren’t let to have any relationship with their children because the spouse is bitter about the divorce and often times men are spineless cowards who listen to their second wife and cut off their kids, any child is better off without the latter. Relationships should be by choice, two people should want to stay with each other if for whatever reason one of them isn’t happy in the relationship the best option is DEFINITELY TO LEAVE regardless of how many children you have together. Staying will only make everyone involved miserable and that includes the kids. And no the only good reason to leave a spouse is not because they are abusive, one can feel empty and unhappy in otherwise perfect marriage. We all need to remember and accept getting married is not a life sentence and women (wife or mistress) should stop taking their anger out on the children by depriving them of their father’s love. Men should grow some balls and remember they are leaving the partner and not the kid. Last but not the least society should definitely stop encouraging people to stay in a unhappy relationship. No unhappy person can keep anyone else happy regardless. Let people be and know like everything else about life relationships aren’t forever. Everyone who’s getting married should be realistic about all possibilities. The partner that loved and care for you today can feel differently tmrw with no fault of yours.

Originally posted by: HearMeRoar

And that's where the scientific studies show what society says is true after all.

Kids do significantly better when parents stay together under the same roof.

Excuses of children absorbing unhappy vibes are just that: excuses for self-centered behavior. If labeling selfishness and irresponsibility for what they are is shaming, so be it.

When your reproduce, you have the responsibility to take care of your offsprings' needs first.

Meeting a better version for romantic partner simply doesn't cut it as adequate reason to mess up your kids' lives.

Once again with the caveat that none of this applies to bad marriages.

I wonder what you'd have to say about kids who grew up with parents who stuck it out just for the sake of kids but don't see eye to eye otherwise? Trust me, those kids have their own version of what comprises selfishness.

If we look up studies on kids who grew up in that scenario, I'm pretty confident the results will look vastly different from kids who grew up with parents who were in love with each other, respected each other, worked and played together and were actively engaging with the kids.

What I find condescending about your post is that you assume that you can "tell" people to put their kids first... like they don't already know that. From what I understand, putting the child's needs first is pretty much second nature to most of the parents, if not all. It spans the entire animal kingdom. It's instinctual and they don't need to be "told" into being that way by someone else based on scientific studies.

I don't quite agree that the notion of selflessness, sacrificing personal happiness and other moral platitudes help failing parents get back on track either. They sound great on paper but there are too many variables at play in real. All the stories that we hear of kids bearing the brunt of broken marriages, dysfunctional dynamics, etc. happen despite parents having their kids' best interests in mind, cuz they are unforeseen and unplanned, not necessarily because they are selfish.

Two people can be under the same roof and yet completely miss the whole point of raising their kid right too. Staying together is not the be all end all of raising a kid right. I have observed that people neglect their kids when they can't overcome their personal shortcomings .... and that could be anything from unmet emotional needs, financial problems to mental illnesses, hence the emphasis on making sure your personal cup of happiness is at least full enough for you to be able to pour some on to others.

So, scientific datas might make a good read but they can only go as far as providing insights. They're not morally binding, so I don't think you can talk down on people sharing their personal stories here for not sticking to the favored group in those studies. I need to go back and check if you actually did that if I'm just imagining it though, so don't quote me on that just yet.

Originally posted by: Chameli_billi

Reading this thread, you’d think Binet kapoor is some prized catch when he was born bald with a beer belly. Like wut

Boney Kapoor left the discussion like, on the first page ... the hearthrob of this topic is Dharmendra. 😆

Originally posted by: HearMeRoar

This happened back in the 70s. The wife would've been ostracized, and the children would've found it difficult. And importantly, finances would've been an issue. She could trust Dharam to support his kids😆 just as she probably trusted him to keep his vows. Her decision was not what someone with resources might have taken, but it perhaps was the only one available to her.

I always assumed he’s the one that didn’t want to let go of the family. This broke my heart finding out she was the one who felt like she had no other option and sacrificed her happiness. 💔

Originally posted by: TrollikaDevi

I get it. .. Dharminder got married at 19 . Not the ideal age to make such a big choice. So you can sympathise with him if he fell in love with a woman much later in life who was maybe more relatable. But cheating is cheating and I agree with Blueice, the least we can do is call it what it is. Also it's worth noting that the first thing he said about Hema was "Kudi badi changi hai ". She translates that in her own book as him calling her very pretty, when he saw her at some event. That makes me wonder if his penis had a major say in this issue but then we never know , I shouldn't take his comment out of context.

It's Prakash Kaur who needs more sympathy. She was shortchanged . If he was a victim of an early marriage so was she, more so being the woman and not being able to do much to fix her own life when he found 'love' elsewhere.

Agree. I can't understand why Dharam is getting so much respect. For what?! Look, love doesn't happen at first sight - it takes time. So if you keep putting yourself in a position where there is a chance to fall in love with someone else, you are willfully doing it. If you find someone attractive and you are married, you can just keep yourself away from them and the actual falling in love part will never happen.

Dharam never wanted to divorce as is being said here. He's old AF now and he still lives with his first wife. It was Hema that was shunted off to another house and he only visits her occasionally. His daughters are treated like step-kids. He was barely even involved in their weddings. On the other hand, he kept funding movies with for his sons and lives with them and their families in a joint family.

In these types of situations, the man has nothing to lose. He is having his cake and eating it too. He gets to maintain his old family and he's got the other woman tucked off to the side where he can enjoy her too. The *only* difference is that he fake-changed religions to give her a more respectable title of second wife instead of just a mistress but those are just technicalities.

What example did he set? His sons turned out the same way. Bobby as far as I know was having an affair but will never leave his wife because she is rich and he is a flop. Sunny Deol is married and involved in a life-long affair with Dimple Kapadia. Men like Dharam should not be encouraged.

Originally posted by: Beautyful_Mess

Dharmendra wanted to break it off?? Why would she (his first wife) want to stay with a man who clearly didn’t want her?? I always it was a case of him being a coward and not wanting to divorce his wife for the kids or something that he converted to Islam. Why did the wife want to hold to him if he was willing to let go?? 😢😢

I think the social stigma of being a divorced woman with kids had a big part to play there. There might have been financial reasons too. A lot of people (mostly women) can't be bothered to start from scratch either ... especially if they have been married most of their lives with kids.

Originally posted by: hotchoco

Agree. I can't understand why Dharam is getting so much respect. For what?! Look, love doesn't happen at first sight - it takes time. So if you keep putting yourself in a position where there is a chance to fall in love with someone else, you are willfully doing it. If you find someone attractive and you are married, you can just keep yourself away from them and the actual falling in love part will never happen.

Dharam never wanted to divorce as is being said here. He's old AF now and he still lives with his first wife. It was Hema that was shunted off to another house and he only visits her occasionally. His daughters are treated like step-kids. He was barely even involved in their weddings. On the other hand, he kept funding movies with for his sons and lives with them and their families in a joint family.

In these types of situations, the man has nothing to lose. He is having his cake and eating it too. He gets to maintain his old family and he's got the other woman tucked off to the side where he can enjoy her too. The *only* difference is that he fake-changed religions to give her a more respectable title of second wife instead of just a mistress but those are just technicalities.

What example did he set? His sons turned out the same way. Bobby as far as I know was having an affair but will never leave his wife because she is rich and he is a flop. Sunny Deol is married and involved in a life-long affair with Dimple Kapadia. Men like Dharam should not be encouraged.

I personally know some uncles with daughters my age who married a much younger woman and started a new family of their own. Man, I feel like the deck is seriously stacked against women in so many ways when I see men being able to do that while his first wife obviously isn't gonna have another love in her life.

Originally posted by: SmittenKitten

I wonder what you'd have to say about kids who grew up with parents who stuck it out just for the sake of kids but don't see eye to eye otherwise? Trust me, those kids have their own version of what comprises selfishness.

If we look up studies on kids who grew up in that scenario, I'm pretty confident the results will look vastly different from kids who grew up with parents who were in love with each other, respected each other, worked and played together and were actively engaging with the kids.

What I find condescending about your post is that you assume that you can "tell" people to put their kids first... like they don't already know that. From what I understand, putting the child's needs first is pretty much second nature to most of the parents, if not all. It spans the entire animal kingdom. It's instinctual and they don't need to be "told" into being that way by someone else based on scientific studies.

I don't quite agree that the notion of selflessness, sacrificing personal happiness and other moral platitudes help failing parents get back on track either. They sound great on paper but there are too many variables at play in real. All the stories that we hear of kids bearing the brunt of broken marriages, dysfunctional dynamics, etc. happen despite parents having their kids' best interests in mind, cuz they are unforeseen and unplanned, not necessarily because they are selfish.

Two people can be under the same roof and yet completely miss the whole point of raising their kid right too. Staying together is not the be all end all of raising a kid right. I have observed that people neglect their kids when they can't overcome their personal shortcomings .... and that could be anything from unmet emotional needs, financial problems to mental illnesses, hence the emphasis on making sure your personal cup of happiness is at least full enough for you to be able to pour some on to others.

So, scientific datas might make a good read but they can only go as far as providing insights. They're not morally binding, so I don't think you can talk down on people sharing their personal stories here for not sticking to the favored group in those studies. I need to go back and check if you actually did that if I'm just imagining it though, so don't quote me on that just yet.

The studies I mentioned actually looked at all kinds of family situations. Children are better off when parents are genuinely happy together, obviously. But they're better off when parents are together regardless is what was found. Not simply psychologically. This held true in terms of their eventual financial stability and even run-ins with the law.

Moreover, we're still talking about adult romantic escapades, aren't we? Yeah, there will be resentment, pain, etc, when forced to actually do your duty when you'd rather be with someone else. But better the adults modify their behavior than damage their children's lives.

Sorry, but what is the need to personally attack me for stating facts? First you termed it a moralistic argument. When told it is actually proven by research, you claimed people don't look at data when making such decisions. But even within this quoted post, you contradicted yourself and said they know it already but make their decisions anyway. You don't like the conclusion of said research, so you attack the messenger. For saying that kids needs should be put first in the context of a discussion about cheating, I was first *high-handed* and *entitled*, now *condescending.*

For the record, I'm not telling anyone how to live their lives. But facts don't vanish because some people try to wish them away. Condoning bad behavior to mollycoddle the fragile egos of selfish adults is not something anyone needs to do. You can blame me or society for many things I'm sure, but not for that.

Once again: none of it applies to abusive (emotionally, physically, financially, whatever other form) marriages.

ETA: Now I'm wondering what would've happened if Prakash Kaur instead told Dharam dearest to take their 4 kids and go live with Hema and let Biwi #1 start a new life instead. 😆 The true lovers surely would've been all right with it. I mean, since they weren't actually being selfish, merely helpless in the face of forces beyond their control.