I am sure anyone who follows Indian News web portals, would have come across Indian internet warriors celebrating Indian Army’s surgical strike in Pakistan, Balakot bombing of JeM Madrasa etc.
And equally, one could not have missed how Pakistani internet warriors mocked Indians, with a, “You can only do it in your films hunhhh,----Reality mein ek crow mara, 10 Tree Gire Ji bas”…… :D
BARD of BLOOD is a Shahrukh Khan’s Red Chillies Entertainment’s Netflix dare, that gives Pakistani net monkeys a good handle to beat Indian net monkeys with a solid,” Hahahaha---You can’t do it well, even in your movies and Netflix hahahaha---“ . :D
The 7 episode series has a plot of 5 Indian Spies caught and held hostage by Taliban in Balochistan and how our Hero agent goes about rescuing them.
As in any Hollywood flick and all their lame copies of Bollywood, hero agents of Spy tales are those who are discredited, disowned by their spy agencies! :(
So no prizes for guessing, our man Chummi Hashmi, sadly denied a single Chummi in the series alas, is exactly the same! 🤔
And just as in all those Holly tales and their Bolly copies, as soon as the crisis explodes at their faces, the decision making Old farts attain their Nirvana moment and get enlightened with the same old wisdom of,”Heyyyyyy, we had disowned and discredited him, but-----hawww, he is the only one who can save our asses now---------Hai kahaan wo??? Find him dammittttt!"-----Well! So far, so good!👍
All our film-makers’ / Web series makers feel compelled to insert a female character in RAW operations, and Bard of Blood is no exception.
As none of them have been able to think of any other, more logical line of excuse, Bard of Blood is no exception and lifts it straight from SACRED GAMES 1 and decides they too must put an eternally whining, constipated agony faced, terribly irritating nasal-voiced, “brilliant analyst”, (what else?), lady who delivers each line in the entire series with exactly same tone and expression---agonized, constipated face of agony expression that is!🤮
So just as SACRED GAMES-1 had eternally-stressed-Mongoose-expression bearing Radhika Apte, whining about not being put on field duty because she was a woman, (yawn!!!), BARD OF BLOOD has a full-on inspired by Radhika Apte character---------played by one Shobita Dhulipala.😥
Aping Radhika, Shobhita too not just whines & cribs about exactly the same grouse, but has a remarkable ability to deliver every single dialogue of hers in exactly the same, irritating, monotonous nasal tone, guaranteed to burn inside contents of bth your intestines! Don’t believe me? See the video of her 2-3 dialogues shared here!😔
You will get to see how beautiful Ladakh’s open, wild barren landscape is and now that Article 370 stands scrapped, feel free to buy an acre or two of whichever stretch you like in the series.
Oops, just in case you wondered how Ladakh came into picture, well—the open terrain drives and shots of outdoor locales are of gorgeous Ladakh.
Rajasthani village Mandhwa has been plastered with few ropes across streets, and on them flutter Moon and Star flags to make it Balochistan. But on that score, commendable job done! Really well done! 👍👏👏👏
Most of the spectacle is cringe-worthy of course!
Emran Hashmi is not on good books of RAW Chief, who even suspects him of murdering his deputy and yet, Hashmi is shown PHONING, widow of his friend and telling her, “Main Balochistan Jaa Raha Hoon”, as if he is going to his local market to get a kilogram of Bhindi and 500 gms of Paneer.😳
Needless to say, no phone tapping and our man, along with eternally in agony, nasal toned woman, enters Balochistan and gets joined by another agent Vineet Kumar Singh.
This trio of Confused Hashmi, Constipated Isha and Cocky Veer, unleashes itself on hapless Pakistanis!
Veer is Cocky because whether encircled by four or forty, he remains cocky throughout and each time someone confronts him with a revolver, his cockiness emboldens him enough to grab hold of the revolver holding fool, shoot him and the four or forty accompanying the by now dead fool!😳
All of us who grew up on Comic strips of Phantom, Mandrake, Lothar, Chahcha Chaudhary and Bahadur had figured out by the time we were in Grade VIth that our Heroes would, ALWAYS, vanquish the villains, be they 2, 12, 22 or 222 and emerge victorious! 😍
BARD OF BLOOD helps us retain our childhood faith!
The trio of Confused, Constipated and Cocky kills everyone who appears in Pakistani Khakis or Talibani Shalwar-Kamizs! No kidding!
Be it the Security check-posts, market places, mosques, deserted houses; shootouts begin at the drop of a hat, Pakistani Security Forces or Taliban foot soldiers appear in dozens and each time, Confused, Cocky and Constipated emerge victorious in no more than 12 seconds flat at the most! Yayyyy!🍭
Seriously! After two such shootouts, all I was wondering was, why the Directors of this series did not paint Concentric Circles in Black and white on front and back sides of Pakistani Soldiers and Taliban? 100 Points for hitting bull’s eye and 90 for smallest circle, 80 for the next one and so on; would have been such a nice idea!🤔
Really feel for all actors who played Pakistani Cops and Taliban foot Soldiers here. All their friends and relatives would say is, “Do Second mein mar gaya thha ye-----5th waala episode dekho, minute 17.14 to 17.16!”😥
All security guards are instructed to get their necks twisted by Confused or Cocky & collapse like an always silent Praying-Mantis. They enact their bits very well indeed!👏
Whether it is Manoj Vajpayee’s “THE FAMILY MAN’ or Chummi Hashmi’s “BARD OF BLOOD”, they all inspire you to join RAW.
The opponent side makes a fool of suckers with a promise of 72 Virgins after the suckers have blown themselves! But RAW of various Indian web series actually delivers beautiful girls smitten by you, be it within RAW or in Balochistan, in this life itself! Yayyyy!😍
Every silly episode of CRIME PATROL teaches you that only way our Paunchy Cops know how to nab a criminal is, by tracking him down by his mobile call location. Be it ACP Pradyuman of CID or Inspector Gaekwad of Crime Patrol; “Call Record check karo is kameene ka", is their only command, whether they have to nab a Jeb-Katra, a Chain snatcher or a Murderer!
Alas!
Director and Scriptwriter of BARD of BLOOD never watched any CRIME PATROL r CID episodes it seems.😥
So in all 7 episodes, in deepest terrains of Balochistan, Confused, Cocky and Constipated are calling one another apart from the ISI bete-noire of Confused.
Forget about phone tracking, the network itself is so terrific that you would forget Balochistan has terrible companies like Ufone and people there dance and fire a few gun-shots in air to celebrate, every time they complete a 45 seconds call successfully!
Grudgingly I have to admit, even in my beloved Delhi, the Jio is hardly Dan-Dana-Dhan as compared to how smoothly our crack team of three ‘C’s, blabber in Balochistan in terrains where there is no question of a mobile tower coming up in next 7000 years atleast! 🤔
I don’t know if telling what finally happens in an utterly predictable web series would be considered a SPOILER,so let’s leave it.
If you have nothing better to do, please watch it.
For all you know, it might inspire you to undertake a family vacation trip at Ladakh! May be even buy a piece of Plot in Ladakh!
Atleast it will be a very good Plot…….Unlike the Plot of BARD OF BLOOD!
CAUTION: SRK is not done yet!
Last-minute of 7th episode shows, Confused, Cocky and Constipated will be back! Yayyyyy!😍
My Rating: 2 Stars / 5!
One star for camera work at exotic shoot locations and creating Balochistan using gorgeous Ladakh and beautiful Rajasthan.
One more star for attempting the daring theme and trying to recreate it for screens. It is a good step in a direction that would result in finer works in the future! 👍
Pati Patni Aur Panga
Jaane Anjaane Hum Mile
Tum Se Tum Tak
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Mannat Har Khushi Paane Ki
Vasudha
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