PS- the song would've been in bold ps- it's an outcome of my frustration . And yes Avni centric.. Neil would be there too. Ps- I've used my creative liberty
She shut her eyes trying hard to control the cascade of tears falling down her eyes but to no avail. It seemed like that as destiny had given up on her so did her body.
She tried too hard , but then she knew it had been to long . She didn't want to cross that path again, she had held herself strong .
When she was breaking on insides but she couldn't stand strong anymore.
Whom she should stand strong for ?
Neil ?
The man she loved to the moon and back. No she could never justify what he would've gone through. Never. Never in her wildest dreams had she thought of hurting the man who gave her everything she dreamt of . Especially love , selfless love.
But had he for once thought about her ?
How did she feel to know that he was right there , but she couldn't run into his arms like always. To her safe haven .
Bebe? Shweta Maa? Papaji?
Bebe and Papa who sympathized her. Papaji for whom she stood strong, she couldn't ever afford to break him. Break their happy family.
Maybe she was really manhoos..
Maybe that was what she was destined to be..
A loner.. left to be consumed by her demon's whom she tried hard to keep at bay.
Mowgli?
Her son, her angel.. that ray of sunshine that made her realise that darkness hadn't consumed her yet. But now he was gone . It hurt her to lose him. Lose the baby she fought for with her life.
The only one who never made her feel like a manhoos.
How should she explain the world that she let him be an orphan because she was afraid that he'll be ill-treated because he was her blood.
She didn't want to be a manhoos for him because she knew her heart couldn't take it anymore.
She always admired him from afar. Afraid to have him too close. Because everyone who came near left her. And now he was gone too.
She was happy for her son. He was away from his mother towards a bright happy future. No doubt Neil would be the perfect father.
Everything came back like movie. Her past , everything. Everything revabrated in her mind as if it all happened yesterday her birth.
Knowing who she was. To her struggles , to losing her Aisha Maa.
It hurt too much .
I was born in a thunderstorm
I grew up overnight
I played alone
I played on my own
I survived
Envy was her biggest enemy ,
envy from the society,
envy from those with happy families,
envious of that love which she deserved but she never got.
She turned that envy into hatred .
Hatred for all the people who streotyped how illegitimate were supposed to function.
But that helped her survive
Hey
I wanted everything I never had
Like the love that comes with light
I wore envy and I hated that
But I survived
But no one could save her from her inner demon's. Not her Neela Maa nor Neel . They were her's to have and battle to. She was too afraid to let others burn in the fire she was burning.
They tried to consume her , she tried hard but now she had decided to give it up.
They came each night tippy toe when people were asleep with their sharp claws trying to pierce her down. But she survived unfortunately life was in favour of her unlike destiny. A zillion times she wished she was dead with bullet shot her heart ans soul would have been spared the innumerable scars.
I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don't change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you're taught to cry into your pillow
But I survived
I'm still breathing, I'm still breathing
I'm still breathing, I'm still breathing
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
She remembered it, she was thirteen back then . Too tried of fighting she bought a packet of blades , stealthily . And sat on the bathroom floor , turned on the tap and gently skmied it through her wrist , careful not to cut a major vein.
She loved it , it gave her solace , but if it weren't for Neela Maa she wouldn't have stopped. She had found it odd her wearing full sleeves and spending way too much time in the bathroom.
All hells went losse , Neela Maa hadn't talked to her for long and had asked her to promise her that she wouldn't do it again.
But her she was with a knife in her hand ready to meet eternity. Maybe eternity would give her solace ,she had her Aisha and Neela Maa there and Ashish Mehta there too.
Would he be glad to see her?
He did regret what he had done?
But regret never acted as antitodes.
Or did they..
She mumbled a sorry Maa as she skimmed the knife through her wrist . Being selfish for once wouldn't hurt anyone she thought. She bit her lips hard the stinging pain making her hiss.
I found solace in the strangest place
Way in the back of my mind
I saw my life in a stranger's face
And it was mine
I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don't change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you're taught to cry into your pillow
But I survived
She opened her eyes to see the liquid which kept her alive gushing out of her body mixing with the water . She smiled sardonically thinking is this how it felt to stand at the footsteps of death?
She could feel her inside go haywire with the sudden loss if the living fluid. Her senses began to go haywire her body dancing in an erratic rhythm as if asking her one last chance to survive. But why should she be gracious?
I'm still breathing, I'm still breathing
I'm still breathing, I'm still breathing
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
You took it all, but I'm still breathing
You took it all, but I'm still breathing
You took it all, but I'm still breathing
You took it all, but I'm still breathing
You took it all, but I'm still breathing
You took it all, but I'm still breathing
You took it all, but I'm still breathing
You took it all, but I'm still breathing
She shut her eyes as happy tears flowed down her eyes as she remembered her each day with Neil. That love so deep, ineffable but she lost it all to her cruel fate.
She remembered Dayawnti Mehta her so called Grandma whom she had proved wrong throughout her life .
Maybe Dayawnti Mehta was right?
She remembered all the vile words the love of her life had used but she knew it was all her fault .
No matter how much it hurt her .
It was her who pushed him.
Wifey she heard him say at the back of her mind and she reciprocated it with the most genuine smile that adorned her face as she visited the world of darkness.
It felt home did it?
In the back of her mind she could here his voice calling out she tried to keep her eyes open but failed to do so.
I have made every single mistake
That you could ever possibly make
I took and I took and I took what you gave
But you never noticed that I was in pain
I knew what I wanted; I went in and got it
Did all the things that you said that I wouldn't
I told you that I would never be forgotten
And all in spite of you
And I'm still breathing, I'm still breathing
I'm still breathing, I'm still breathing
I'm alive (You took it all, but I'm still breathing)
(You took it all, but I'm still breathing)
I'm alive (You took it all, but I'm still breathing)
(You took it all, but I'm still breathing)
I'm alive (You took it all, but I'm still breathing)
(You took it all, but I'm still breathing)
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
She was Avni Ayesha the unsung hero of the battle against fate, life . She had been living for long she decided to be alive for once.
It had been an emotional day for everyone, he had succeeded in getting his son's custody but joy seemed to be miles away. Instead of that came a stinging pain , when he looked at her eyes.
Her dark brown orbs were ever readable for Neil Khanna but what scared him after the court case was the emptiness in her eyes. The calm similar to that before a storm.
He tried to ignore those orbs of hers but they began to haunt him as if they were a nightmare. So he asked Mitali to pick up his son. He wanted some time alone, but her orbs seemed to follow him all the way long.
He came to check in her as his heart wasn't at peace. Surprised to find the whole house abandoned , the door ajar and only the bathroom light on.
He knocked gently but to hear no response , he was surprised to hear Sunheri call Avni and so was Sunheri to see Neil .
But as soon as she realised something her face was panic stricken as she hits the bathroom door hard shouting Avni's name.
This alarmed Neil he tried to calm his senses and asked Sunheri to calm down. She retroted saying it was more than an hour she was in.
His senses seem to evade him as panic took over his senses he banged the door hard shouting - Avni darwaja kholo please..
Not getting any answer he broke the door shooked would be an understatement for what he felt seeing the love of his life bathed in her own blood.
Blood staining her white kurta, the white marbel floor everything. He ran to her as he scoped her in hand arms and cupped her calling her name . Asking her to come back.
Everything came back as if it had happened yesterday the pain of losing her seemed to have multipled to the square of infinity.
Tears rolled down his eyes as a lone tear fell on her .. He had just breathed for the last decade but when he saw her alive he lost his mind but for a moment he felt he was alive ..
But he couldn't take another trauma of losing her . When he heard Mumma from behind. He turned his to meet his horrified son's eyes.
************************************************************************
That's it for now... It's just an outcome on my frustration on the recent track. There maybe another part.
Please do hit the like button and cmnt if you liked it. Constructive feedback is always welcome. Thanks for reading regards Ana
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