InterCultural Marriage with NRIs Debate

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concerned_kiwi

@concerned_kiwi

Beginner

Posted: 8 years ago

Hi,

I usually follow some of the TV soap forums but since recently I've been suffering from a debate within myself.

Topic: Should Inter Cultural Marriages be allowed anymore (e.g. with mainland Indians and Indian NRIs)?

I will give you some background to think about this:

I have a friend who lives in New Zealand and have been married traditionally since 8 years now. She was 20 when she got married and came to live with her in laws in Clyde, South Island, New Zealand. Its a somewhat remote location in the sparsely populated South Island of New Zealand, and jobs are scarce too. But even when you get a job, its low paid and its not really anything more than that. Either its a farm job, or its in the local grocery store, or the best option - the local aged care or childcare.

My friend literally started living in Clyde with her in laws, and not with her husband. Just after a few months she discovered that her husband in fact is living with a local Pakeha (Maori name for White people) girl. He is a good person as he told my friend about his relationship in brief, but also informed that his mother was paranoid and wanted an Indian girl.

My friend's parents dreams of sending their daughter abroad, and so she agreed. She thought she will go abroad and find her own way. However, due to circumstances, that was not to happen. She remained caring for his parents - and he never gave in to his mother's ultimate wish to get a child from my friend.

Eventually he had two children from his New Zealander Pakeha girlfriend who is now his wife. In New Zealand if you live with someone for a year you are automatically partners. So I think of her as his wife. This leaves me wondering "who is my friend then?"

She works, she earns, she attends the local church as there are no temples. Her mother in law literally waiting for her death, in this village - she is all alone. Dreams crushed.

Now she feels like it was her own choice. She had the greed and a plan to go abroad destined to fail.

When we search his Facebook page: he is living a happy and very romantic life with his white fancy wife and half caste children. I don't know if they are even Hindus. I see their Facebook pictures eating in Mac Donald's.

Should we really marry NRIs from India? NRIs don't seem Indian - SPECIALLY MEN. Their culture and their dharma are all changed.

Can there ever be adjustment in todays world? (perhaps in the past there was adjustment - but today??)

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lailaMai

@lailaMai

Beginner

Posted: 8 years ago

please people going through this ..zulm karne se zyada sehne wala gunahgaar hota hai". So, no need to be a victim. Fight for your right!

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Angel-likeDevil

@Angel-likeDevil

Trailblazer

+ 3

Posted: 8 years ago

Sorry about your friend. How unfortunate..

Hope she moves on with life. If she cannot return to India, hope she finds her independence wherever she lives, and starts her life anew.

As for mainland Indians marrying NRIs.. IDK, TBH, I have always felt any marriage is pure luck. What matters is that we should make ourselves economically secure/independent - no matter where we marry. If a girl is capable of economic independence, she can simply walk out of such fraud marriage, and can start her life afresh without having to depend on her parents or in-laws.

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lailaMai

@lailaMai

Beginner

Posted: 8 years ago

Originally posted by: Angel-likeDevil
Sorry about your friend. How unfortunate..
Hope she moves on with life. If she cannot return to India, hope she finds her independence wherever she lives, and starts her life anew.

As for mainland Indians marrying NRIs.. IDK, TBH, I have always felt any marriage is pure luck. What matters is that we should make ourselves economically secure/independent - no matter where we marry. If a girl is capable of economic independence, she can simply walk out of such fraud marriage, and can start her life afresh without having to depend on her parents or in-laws.

i don't think it is pure luck when 90 percent of the nri's have similar cases..the question over here is no aboutt being independent or about luck,even if you are in this country,indpendent it's not easy to move to a foreign country,a first world country from a third world country and be independent right away ,they have people from their own country who need jobs!! it takes time and supprot specially emotional when you are all alone in a foreign world!..even if she had a job and was independent , the guy did wrong by her!! marriage is not a joke! she should have fought even though it's easier said then done!!

DOOR KE DHOL SUHAVNE !!

Edited by lailaMai - 8 years ago

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Angel-likeDevil

@Angel-likeDevil

Trailblazer

+ 3

Posted: 8 years ago

^^@lailaMai --- By saying marriage is pure luck, I was talking about my personal belief that marriage and finding a 'good partner' is all luck. Because, especially in cases of arranged marriages, you can never verify 100% that the man and the family you are marrying into is a good one.

As for financial independence, I said she needs to focus on her financial independence because -

1) Her in laws are apparently waiting for her death as per OP, so, it is most practical thing to move out - when can she move out? When she has enough money to afford a rented house. And, she would need quite a lot of money to move out on her own.

2) Yes she was wronged, but how is she supposed to ask for her 'rights' ? Please elaborate. Asking her in-laws, you should know that such things do not work in real life. This issue can either be made legal or she better move on, move out and get a hold of her life accepting the harsh realities of life. To do either - she needs money - needs economic independence.

So, to make any legal case out of this, you need money. She is in the first place, living with her in-laws because she has no where else to go. Now how is she now supposed to make a case against them and demand her rights?

OP -- I'd like to know if she has anyone to support her financially. And, why doesn't she come back to India if she is unable to secure a job there in NZ??

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Angel-likeDevil

@Angel-likeDevil

Trailblazer

+ 3

Posted: 8 years ago

@LailaMai --- yours are in bold.

I thought this was an arranged marriage scenario. OP, is this an arranged marriage?

i'm sure during the courtship period he did not show he is an asshole even if it was on the phone!!

And exactly that is why I have said arranged marriages or even to an extent, love marriages are pure luck/chance.

she is in a first world country,was married there she has right's!! and they support you completely in these situations!

Who is "they" you are talking about? How do you think she would go about to find "them" ??

they appoint a lawyer and you don't have to pay right away you can pay when you have a job,and they give a place to stay,why did she wait for so long?

Again, who is "they" ?

What do you mean by "why did she wait so long? "

she shouldn't come back to india she has the full support of the government there!!just need to be bold and take the first step.contact a social organisation for women their or something,move out live your life!!

IDK what we are arguing about here. I said the same thing about her moving out and getting hold of her life.. if she is incapable of doing so in NZ(OP mentions that jobs are few, and menial), I was wondering why she could not come back to India where her parents live, and she can restart her life in a country full of opportunities(jobs).

@red --- ? is that addressed to me?

Edited by Angel-likeDevil - 8 years ago

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lailaMai

@lailaMai

Beginner

Posted: 8 years ago

Originally posted by: Angel-likeDevil
@LailaMai --- yours are in bold.
I thought this was an arranged marriage scenario. OP, is this an arranged marriage?

i'm sure during the courtship period he did not show he is an asshole even if it was on the phone!!

And exactly that is why I have said arranged marriages or even to an extent, love marriages are pure luck/chance.

she is in a first world country,was married there she has right's!! and they support you completely in these situations!

Who is "they" you are talking about? How do you think she would go about to find "them" ??

they appoint a lawyer and you don't have to pay right away you can pay when you have a job,and they give a place to stay,why did she wait for so long?

Again, who is "they" ?
What do you mean by "why did she wait so long? "

she shouldn't come back to india she has the full support of the government there!!just need to be bold and take the first step.contact a social organisation for women their or something,move out live your life!!

IDK what we are arguing about here. I said the same thing about her moving out and getting hold of her life.. if she is incapable of doing so in NZ(OP mentions that jobs are few, and menial), I was wondering why she could not come back to India where her parents live, and she can restart her life in a country full of opportunities(jobs).

@red --- ? is that addressed to me?

no no i don't know how it got red😆..yea i agree but she should atleast complain makes me sad how they treat indian women ..she is bound to win such a strong case and that man as it is will have to give her alimony,the other day i heard a kiryana store bhaiya in my city is paying 25000rs monthly to his wife after a divorce(third world country),she can move to the city and get a job later.it's easier said then done.mostly everyone comes back in such situations that is why they take advantage of us.what has she got to loose ?
they- the government.:
Legal aid
Legal aid is government funding to pay for legal help for people who cannot afford a lawyer.
Legal aid is an important part of New Zealand's justice system. It helps people to resolve legal problems that may go to court and makes sure that people are not denied justice because they can't afford a lawyer
love marriages - most of the love marriages i have seen ended up in a divorce and arranged ones are still going strong
a friend of mine in a love marriage since 10 years is fighting a legal battle because he had an affair in his office,so yea love or arrange it is luck i guess

Edited by lailaMai - 8 years ago

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concerned_kiwi

@concerned_kiwi

Beginner

Posted: 8 years ago

I am not a racist, but in this case (or cases like these) I must say "I hate white women"; I have seen quite a few youtube videos and they can be relationship breakers and seen to enjoy that.

Pardon for my offensive remark - but its coming out of a burst of emotions. I don't know whats so good about marrying a married man or a man from another race, caste or culture whose parents don't like you. Not only marrying but having a family and taking the man away from everyone else. They can be happy and have fun in this world, but there is another world where they will never be happy.

My friend didn't have much rights or know much about her rights in the beginning. It takes time with Immigration and initially there is a thing called "hope" and that "stab this ho jayega" takes over ones senses.

Yes she can afford to rent a house now, and the mother is law is not waiting for my friend's death but she is waiting for her OWN death. Its just unkind to abandon them now.

Imagine my friend renting a house and staying in it - all alone. Its a better life but the experience of getting cheated doesn't get washed away so easy - specially when you know that the cheater is having fun with his b*tch.

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lailaMai

@lailaMai

Beginner

Posted: 8 years ago

Originally posted by: concerned_kiwi
I am not a racist, but in this case (or cases like these) I must say "I hate white women"; I have seen quite a few youtube videos and they can be relationship breakers and seen to enjoy that.
Pardon for my offensive remark - but its coming out of a burst of emotions. I don't know whats so good about marrying a married man or a man from another race, caste or culture whose parents don't like you. Not only marrying but having a family and taking the man away from everyone else. They can be happy and have fun in this world, but there is another world where they will never be happy.

My friend didn't have much rights or know much about her rights in the beginning. It takes time with Immigration and initially there is a thing called "hope" and that "stab this ho jayega" takes over ones senses.

Yes she can afford to rent a house now, and the mother is law is not waiting for my friend's death but she is waiting for her OWN death. Its just unkind to abandon them now.

Imagine my friend renting a house and staying in it - all alone. Its a better life but the experience of getting cheated doesn't get washed away so easy - specially when you know that the cheater is having fun with his b*tch.

i completely agree !!

Edited by lailaMai - 8 years ago

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Janaki

@RamKiSeeta

Achiever

+ 6

Posted: 8 years ago

#10

Originally posted by: concerned_kiwi
I am not a racist, but in this case (or cases like these) I must say "I hate white women"; I have seen quite a few youtube videos and they can be relationship breakers and seen to enjoy that.
Pardon for my offensive remark - but its coming out of a burst of emotions. I don't know whats so good about marrying a married man or a man from another race, caste or culture whose parents don't like you. Not only marrying but having a family and taking the man away from everyone else. They can be happy and have fun in this world, but there is another world where they will never be happy.

Obviously people who date married men/women are wrong, but in this case the married man is equally wrong. Instead of giving importance to his wife, he seeks pleasure elsewhere. White women are not all loose. That's a terrible misconception believed by people in India. They too are human and seek relationship satisfaction. Like any other race, immoral behavior exists among them too, but neither are Indians totally innocent. Even Indians attempt to copy western people in their dressing and behavior nowadays. So to blame this whole thing on the white woman simply for being the 'other woman' is unfair. The Indian husband is equally if not more responsible.

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