Reading Deepa's post on strong women today,triggered something in me.It made me want to share the story of my life here.Before you read,let me warn you that this is not for the faint hearted.But young women, please do read this...It might help you in your later life...😊
They say Reality is stranger than fiction..and so here we go😊
Problems pre marriage
I got married when I was 24. had a typical arranged marriage.A few months before my marriage,me and my fiance started getting blank mails.The mails asked my fiance to back off saying that this Mr X(whoever he was) wanted to marry me and my hubby should get out of the way!! My family and I went to the police station to file a case of cyber harrassment. Since this was almost 16 years back nothing much could be done as cyber crime cells were not well developed.I could only guess who this cyber stalker might be(i am quite sure it was an friend who had proposed to me sometime back).Nothing could be proved.My fiance and his family were furious and started blaming me and my parents for all the trouble.A month before my marriage things got out of hand.The mails became more frequent and my inlaws and fiance lost it.For the next 10 days I went through a routine of police like drilling from would be inlaws and fiance asking me what I was hiding from them and what I had done to make a person send these mails.The stress and sleepless nights made me lose around 10 kilos in as many days.I finally decided that I had had enough and asked my parents to call off the marriage.My father( a typical orthodox and pretty chauvinistic man) did not support my idea.He felt that he had already paid the advance money for all the wedding preparations and did not want to incur a loss.My mom and I fought tooth and nail and got him to agree.However,when my parents told my inlaws that they wanted to call off the wedding,my inlaws did a 180 degree turn.They became ultra sweet and said that they never intended to hurt me of my family.They said that they did not want the marriage called off come what may.They gave their word of honour that they would never talk about this issue ever again.It was all my father wanted to get me married.Stupidly enough,my mom and I believed what they said.
I got married thinking the worst was over.I didn't realize that the worst was about to begin.This had been the trailer
The first few months
During the first 6 months of my married life we stayed in a company allotted guest house(one room) since my husband had a travelling job.The initial things struck me as odd but unfortunately did not ring an alarm in my head.It started off with my husband insisting that I should drink tea and not coffee in the morning(since coffee cost Rs 5 more than tea).I agreed.We didn't go for a honeymoon since it would cost too much.He didn't allow me to call my parents.My mom used to call instead when he was in office.My husband asked me to wash all the clothes by hand everyday to save money.When i was running a 102 deg temperature (due to a urinary infection)he refused to take me to the doc since he was afraid of what the doctor would think of him(he said the doc would blame him for the urinary infection).I went to the doc by myself.This was three months after marriage in a completely new city.Four months later when we went for a two day trip to a nearby place he made me carry his luggage and mine to the bus stop saying he was too tired.When I wanted to study after 9 pm for my ICWA final exams(that's right.I am educated..a double PG in Finance),he switched off the lights in the only room we had(since it was guest house) and didn't let me study.In my desperation to study,I told him that I would study in the restroom.He asked to do what I wanted to..I spent 10 nights(9 pm -1 pm) sitting on the toilet seat with my calculator and books studying for my exams .I was sweating away in the summer heat of Delhi while he slept peacefully in an AC room.Strangely enough,it was first time I thought something was very odd.After 10 days he relented and let me study in the room ..and stupid me,I let the incident go.
As bad as it gets
Soon we had to move to the USA.I got this weird feeling..like I should not go.But the distance and the lack of frequent communication with my mom meant that I was never able to tell her all the goings on in a clear manner.(Remember this was the era when std calls were very expensive.I had no access to the internet anywhere nearby)..I also thought that it was only 6 months..Things would sort themselves out with time.How wrong I was
My moving to the US with him on a dependent visa gave him complete control over me.At 24 I had no idea what was going on or how to tackle life and its challenges.US was a hell hole.I didn't have a job,didn't have a driving license, had no friends and was in a dependent visa in a strange country.I was not given access to any money at all.I was not allowed to call or mail home.Calls to the US were damn expensive and my parents could hardly call for 5-8 minutes.
He would take me vegetable and milk shopping once in 2 weeks(it was the only time we went out).I was given a budget of $50 and a time of 45 minutes.I had to finish buying all necessary vegetables,milk and curd in under 45 minutes within $50.If I exceeded the time or money,I was a goner.He spent the 45 minutes hovering over me and finding fault with what I bought.If(God forbid) the milk that I had bought got over in less than 2 weeks,I had to make do without tea till the 2 weeks expired.I dared not tell him that there was no milk for his tea..So I would stop drinking tea well before the milk reached danger level.Every provision(cornflakes,biscuits etc) had a to last a stipulated period.If it did not...I would carry 16-20 grocery bags up two flights of stairs(two bags at a time) making 8-10 trips while he sat munching popcorn and watching TV, carry loads of dirty laundry in knee deep snow for washing(the paid machines) ... 8 months after we got married,the physical abuse started.Soon it became common.Initially he would cry and apologize profusely each time he hit me and I believed him.But 2-3 times later I realized it was a cycle..Shout,hit,cry,apologize..that is how it worked...We were supposed to return to India in 8 months and I had decided that I would divorce him.I was too scared to tell him my plans.There was no telling what he would have done...
Pregnancy:Boon or bane ??
The worst came when I got pregnant a year after marriage.Now his control over me was complete.I felt like I could not even run if I wanted to.Pregnancy was a mixed affair...Wonderful days at times..horrible days at times.One day we were having an argument in the car(I wanted to attend my brother's engagement in India.he refused to let me go)..He got really angry and pushed me...At the same time the car swerved at a turning...Had it been a Maruti 800 with poor car locks and no seat belts,there is no telling if I would be writing this today.The world reeled for a few seconds...and then I was jolted back to the present..I was safe.Thank God for small mercies...I learnt a valuable lesson..Never get into an argument in a moving car when you are not the driver 😉..Another day he slapped me so hard,I couldn't hear for the next 5 days(All the better I guess,we didn't have any arguments for the next 5 days😆
The fear and hormones meant that I started getting nightmares of someone stabbing me (in the stomach) when I was pregnant.I would wake up drenched in sweat screaming at the stranger not to harm my baby..I guess i also suffered from sleep paralysis during this time because when I woke up I would be mortified trying to scream at this stranger who was trying to kill me but I couldn't move my body at all.I also had recurring dreams that my mom was coming to my house,knocking at my door but that she left because I was unable to open the door in time...I used to wake up crying that my mom had abandoned me
A few days before we left the US i realized that I left some valuable cards that a friend gave me at an acquaintance's house...I asked him to collect it from their place(10 minutes drive from my house,but i had no driving license)...He asked me to beg him to do this and said that I should request him repeatedly saying"Please do this for me"and then he might consider my request...I chose to call up the acquaintance instead..she dropped the cards at my place...
Alive and Sane
1.5 years in hell passed..I made it out alive and sane...I thought it was an achievement.I was neither permanently scarred physically nor was I into depression or in a mental hospital.😆I thought that as soon as I set foot in India I would tell my parents about all this and walk out...But ah..life had other plans...My father had been diagnosed with non hodgins lymphoma a few months before my marriage(It could be one of he reasons he was in a hurry to get me married)..When I got back,I realized that his cancer had spread..He was in bad shape and my mom was a wreck,mentally and physically...I told nothing to my parents...In fact,at times I tried...but the pain of the wounds was so raw and so intense that I would choke if I started to speak and just walk off.
To rise again
However,my return to India gave me renewed strength.I decided that I would fight it out and I would not not go to my parents for help.They seemed to be having their own battles.I decided that I could not be selfish to burden them further..I went to live with my husband(in India)...The first thing that I did was to save up on money that he gave me for household expenses.I also started catching up with old friends and began establishing social connections.Though I was overburdened with work and a baby to take care of,I knew that I had to start finding my way out of this mess.When my son was 6 months old and my hubby hit me(yeah one more time)..I threatened to call the police..I also gave him an ultimatum..I said if u dare touch me again,I will leave with the baby without informing u..and I won't come back.Strangely enough,the mere idea that I spoken out against him seemed to scare him off a bit.He didn't hit me for a long time after that(12 years to be precise)...Without my hubby's knowledge,I asked my maid to stay back a few hours...I started going to to the internet centre and started sending my CVs to many colleges...,I went for my first interview(after marriage,I was working before i got married)leaving my 1.5 year old son with my maid.I hadn't informed my husband that I was attending an interview.I got the job.My hubby's greed for money meant that he didn't create any hurdles in me taking up the job.
A new beginning
It was the beginning of change in my life...The job gave me confidence and financial independence.It helped me establish social contacts.It made me realize what I was worth...Over time,I began standing upto him,fighting back more often and doing what I felt I needed to do.I took the reins of my life back into my hands.I did this by speaking up when I needed to and simply ignoring him and doing what I wanted to at times. Initially I had to fight my fear of him when I stood up to him..but over a period of time I stopped feeling scared of him. The fact that he can not scare or control me anymore bothers him big time even today...
My life;my way
So has the abuse stopped?Yes and no..The physical abuse has almost abated...But,overall he has not stopped doing what he does...However, I have refused to give him control over my life..When he is at his raging worst,I look him in the eye and tell him calmly that he should stop shouting..It doesn't scare me and he can't get me to do what he wants me to do by bullying me...Initially my hubby maintained a good father image in front of my son.He ensured that he lost his temper only when my son was not around😉However,one day he was in the middle of breaking a vase and my son came in unexpectedly..Since then ,my son has been aware of what happens at home...My husband's temper tantrums and behaviour scared my son big time initially..My hubby also tries using/scaring my son to control me...But it doesn't work..My son has learnt how to stand up to bullies now...and we are a team..we know that...
Questions and answers
If it was just me,I would have left long back...But inspite of all this awful behaviour,there are times he is a good and very jovial father...My hubby's behaviour normally oscillates from the awful to the adorable...He can be ultra sweet for 3-4 months(sometimes),then he loses it for no reason and we have 3-4 months of tantrums...After going through an especially bad phase recently, I was considering(for the umpteenth time)if I should just leave him...I got my answer when my son came up to me,hugged me(he does this very often) and said "Mom,I know you are very happy and relieved when daddy is away.I love it too when he is away for some time...But I want him to come back after a few days"
I got my answer😊
Happiness:
Today I work as a professor in a college.I teach dance to kids(bcoz i love it..its a hobby and keeps me happy)...I am pursuing my Phd(against my hubby's wishes and without his support)...I have wonderful and supportive friends,loving neighbours,the best son(touchwood) ,the bestest mom anyone can have,a job i love and adore and students who look upto me and love me...I feel like I have everything...Marriage is not the be all and end all of life..I genuinely feel blessed today when I count my blessings😃
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