Why marriages fail

Originally posted by: rock&roll

The last few episodes set me thinking on why marriages fail.The numerous common reasons of outside interference,lack of communication,lack of honesty ,trust etc, are undoubtedly big factors.

But what surprises me is that in a lot of failed /shaky marriages,the spouses ironically start abhorring the very same traits for which they madly loved a person.

When two people are in love everything is looked at with Rose tinted glasses..where the mind sees what it wants to see and kind of ignores what it does not want to..but when they start living together they start seeing the whole picture. But if there is communication , trust and respect we can openly discuss the factors that irritate us as long as the other person is willing to listen to it with an open mind

Watching KRPKAB ver 2 reinforced my existing belief .Sona loved Dev because she saw a man who was extremely affectionate towards his family ,especially his mom.Here was a man who lived and breathed for his family..Ultimately,it was this very same "quality" that led to the two of them breaking up.

Yes Sona loved Dev because of him being a family man ..as a family man he always stood up for his family. What changed ? Sona became his family too.. Did Dev treat her like one?.. or did he try to

a. Keep his relationship with her separate?

b. Want her to conform to his mothers idea or Dixit's idea of a family?

Here was the disconnect..and since they did not communicate a break down happened

Dev loved Sona's independent thinking and her ability to stand up to him when everyone else either fawned on him or cowered around him.She was a breath of fresh air and spoke her mind.She was neither overwhelmed nor intimidated by him.Ultimately ,it was this very quality of hers that proved too much for him to handle.

Dev loved her being independent , but only as far as her job..but not when it came down to his family and Life. We cant expect Independence and say I like you when you are independent in certain aspects of your life and in others I want you to toe the line.. That is a disconnect..

So in essence accept the WHOLE not the parts you conveniently like or want..

I have seen this happening in many real life marriages too...I have seen men loving women because they were ambitious ,independent,beautiful,vivacious,simple,interested in looking after a home etc..The list is endless..Ultimately,these very traits get on their nerves...The ambition and independence is not suitable for family life;the beautiful and vivacious woman invokes suspicion and jealousy in the man;the simple homemaker becomes too dependent and a drag .

Ditto for women..They love a man for his honesty,the way he cares for his family and respects them,his hardworking diligent nature,his soft spoken nature,his calmness,his looks and personality,...Over time,the man who cares and listens to his family too much starts getting on the woman's nerves ,his honesty comes across as insensitive rudeness,his diligence becomes workaholism,his soft spoken nature makes him a wimp,his calmness makes him indifferent and uncaring and his looks and personality makes her doubt if he is cheating on her.

I realise that one of the reasons for this is that each person is primarily defined by some major characteristics/qualities.It makes us what we are.Every quality has two sides- the nice and rosy side and the rough and negative side.Initially we only see the rosy side,but over a period of time we see the negative side of the same trait and we start disliking them for the same reason that we loved them...Ironical..

My questions are

1)Why do many spouses start disliking the very quality that drew them towards each other?

Because there is NO WholeheartedAcceptance of the Whole flaws and everything

2)Why are human beings unable to see the other side of such qualities/traits in the initial period?

We always put our best foot forward when we are trying to impress..but once we have achieved what we want we dont anymore..that is human nature but marriage is an evolving process where the ceremony is not the End but just a beginning..how can you keep it alive COMMUNICATION AND BALANCE which both of them sorely lack

3)Do you know of any such marriages/have any experiences to share?

I have seen marriages break for a lot less and marriages survive against all odds.. for any marriage to work BOTH have to constantly make efforts one alone cannot make it work..For it DOES TAKE TWO TO TANGO TO BEAUTIFUL MUSIC

Hope I made sense

Great topic

Would love to know your views

Originally posted by: rock&roll

The last few episodes set me thinking on why marriages fail.The numerous common reasons of outside interference,lack of communication,lack of honesty ,trust etc, are undoubtedly big factors.

But what surprises me is that in a lot of failed /shaky marriages,the spouses ironically start abhorring the very same traits for which they madly loved a person.

Watching KRPKAB ver 2 reinforced my existing belief .Sona loved Dev because she saw a man who was extremely affectionate towards his family ,especially his mom.Here was a man who lived and breathed for his family..Ultimately,it was this very same "quality" that led to the two of them breaking up.

Dev loved Sona's independent thinking and her ability to stand up to him when everyone else either fawned on him or cowered around him.She was a breath of fresh air and spoke her mind.She was neither overwhelmed nor intimidated by him.Ultimately ,it was this very quality of hers that proved too much for him to handle.

I have seen this happening in many real life marriages too...I have seen men loving women because they were ambitious ,independent,beautiful,vivacious,simple,interested in looking after a home etc..The list is endless..Ultimately,these very traits get on their nerves...The ambition and independence is not suitable for family life;the beautiful and vivacious woman invokes suspicion and jealousy in the man;the simple homemaker becomes too dependent and a drag .

Ditto for women..They love a man for his honesty,the way he cares for his family and respects them,his hardworking diligent nature,his soft spoken nature,his calmness,his looks and personality,...Over time,the man who cares and listens to his family too much starts getting on the woman's nerves ,his honesty comes across as insensitive rudeness,his diligence becomes workaholism,his soft spoken nature makes him a wimp,his calmness makes him indifferent and uncaring and his looks and personality makes her doubt if he is cheating on her.

I realise that one of the reasons for this is that each person is primarily defined by some major characteristics/qualities.It makes us what we are.Every quality has two sides- the nice and rosy side and the rough and negative side.Initially we only see the rosy side,but over a period of time we see the negative side of the same trait and we start disliking them for the same reason that we loved them...Ironical..

My questions are

1)Why do many spouses start disliking the very quality that drew them towards each other?

2)Why are human beings unable to see the other side of such qualities/traits in the initial period?

3)Do you know of any such marriages/have any experiences to share?

Would love to know your views