here m again taking in the sight i luv the most... seeing my baby girl asleep. It has been a year when i have came to check on her. The sun is about to break upon the sky illuminating the world but that never have any significance for me because i already have my very own sun who fill my life with light and warmth in the coldest and darkest of time. she is lying with her dark black luscious hair sprawled all over that white pillow with eyes closed but her eyeballs are moving and i know she is dreaming about something. All these years of staring at her like a creep in night makes u experience about even the tiniest detail of her angelic features. Her slight freckles around her nose,those black heavy eyelashes resting on her cheek bones, the prominence of her nose, those lips curled down with those prominent curve of her neck. Beauty. I remember the day she gave her complete self to me. I was honored to say the least.
She was curled up in a ball on the armchair looking outside the window which faces our sweet garden. I have just came out of shower with a jeans hanging by my waist. Seeing her looking that adorable in my t shirt i dropped the idea of getting dressed and strode towards her. She squealed loudly when i picked her up in arms and settled myself in the armchair with her in my lap. She huffed playfully and hit my bare chest with that small fist of hers but said nothing and curled again in my lap. Smiling at her antics i wrapped my arm around the most precious dear one and sighed feeling content. This is heaven. As i started drifting off in sleep listening to the peaceful silence and our compatible heartbeats, she started making invisible patterns on my naked torso with her sleek fingers. Smiling inwardly, i too started playing with her hair while she placed a kiss just above my heart. A current surged inside my veins blood pumping at a high speed, desire pooled inside me. How i long to make her mine but i cant just snatch her innocence like that. I may be a monster but for her i will always try to be a good man. Releasing a shaky breath through gritted teeth, i kissed her hair and started circling her back. I dont know what exactly she is thinking but she never has been so quiet. "babygirl... what are u thinking so hard" i asked creasing away the lines of frown from her forehead. She bit her lower lip and looked up at me through her eyelashes. The sight took my breath away. "stop picking on ur lip babygirl... u know what it did to me" i playfully scolded her and released that lip from the cage of her teeth. She gave me a shy smile and snuggled closer. "i m ready..." she mumbled in my chest. My heart stopped beating momentarily. Did i heard right? Did she said what i think she did? My body stiffened in response and desire started running in my system for umptieth time today. "what did u say babygirl" my voice came out as a low husky whisper and i can see goose bumps arising on the back of her neck. "i... i m ready" she whispered back. But i acted to not hear. "ready for what babygirl" rolling a finger on her earlobe, i knew i m fueling the fire. "i... i..." she hitched in a sharp breath as my fingers scraped her hair. "uhuhh..." i probed her. Finally she straightened herself and looked right into my eyes boring her coffee brown ones. "i want u Kabir...make me urs?" she asked without a trace of hesitation on her face and i knew she was ready. Sucking another breath, i leaned closer and nipped at her ear "gladly...". She yelped in surprise when i stood taking her in my arms and strode towards our bedroom in a lightening speed.She unleashed my howling beast today who craves for her like a thirsty man for water. She giggled loudly as i threw her on the bed and looked at me with lust surfacing in those orbs surely mine looks the same. "are u sure babygirl... i mean 100 percent sure about this?" i asked a little perplexed at her decision. She smiled those heartwarming smiles at me and raised her arms calling me to embrace her "i m sure love... just make love to me" she asked in a voice filled with pure adoration and innocence, i felt my inside filled with warmth and turned mushy. She raised herself a bit, started lowering me down on herself and winked at me. A smirk appeared on my lips as she closed the distance between us. "just for ur information babygirl... i m not a gentleman" i whispered before attacking her lips with mine in the most passionate and hungry kiss we shared and she moaned loudly in mouth. I was the man lost for forever and she was my oasis. That night was the night to quench my thirst which lead to one of the most beautiful night of my living self.
I sighed at the memory and looked at her again. She had a small frown on her face and cold sweat is breaking on her forehead. A painful sigh left my chest, i know she is having a nightmare... she is too worked up about today event. I know today she will accomplish what she had intended to from a long time now but she is nervous and its clear. She is an open book to me but just that one time i miss read her and it led to this. The sun is about to come up fully and i know she is going to wake up anytime now. I placed a kiss on her forehead before moving towards her ear. "best of luck love.. today is a big day babygirl... m proud of u" i nipped at her earlobe before placing the rose by her side. taking a longing look at her, m ready to go. "meet u soon my love..." i promised her and left my heaven behind.
----------------
I woke up with a start. "was he here... did i imagined it or he wished me... what was it" a whole lot of question swarmed in my head and i groaned at the feeling of a coming headache. I don't want a headache today... this is an imp day... today is my book's release. I massaged my temples with thumbs and placed my hand on the side where he used to sleep. It had became a hobby to search for him on the bed after waking up. Never have i found him again but today i found a black rose laying there. I scrunched up my nose in confusion "who bought this...". But as usual no answer was delivered. This is his fav flower... he used to give me bunch of black roses every now and then. A smile crept on my lips... i always used to ask him why did he gives me black roses that just plain weird and bizarre. He used to laugh out loud at this. "u know babygirl they aren't black... they are red to the core... to the soul... darkest shades of red... do u know what red means?" he asked while his fingers traced my collar bones seductively. A haze of lust clouded in my mind and i almost stopped thinking about the conversation. "hmm... red... red means love, admiration, devotion, longing, desire and unmistakable passion..." i whispered almost inaudibly as he nibbled on my earlobe making me dizzy in desire. "yes baby girl... and this black rose signifies my darkest, over the top, inseparable and unmatched love, longing,admiration,devotion,desire and blazing passion for u..." he told me while sucking hard on my sweet spot earning a well deserved moan from me. I was on the 7th cloud of heaven hearing his proclamation and a tear slipped while my heart thudded in its place screaming his name over and over again. But what i didn't knew was that black rose signifies a tragic love too...
Sighing i looked up towards the window to see the beautiful morning welcoming me in present. I was enjoying my serene of the day when the phone decided to break my moment of peace. Giving it a nasty look, i picked up to be greeted by a cheerful voice.
"good mng, m charlie from THE publication house can i talk to ms nisha gangwal?" a sweet sickening voice filled my ears and i held back a groan of annoyance.
"yes that will be me..." i replied trying to sound a less annoyed.
"oh ms nisha... i have called to inform u that we have shifted ur release a bit early as one of the radio stations of the city has decided to cover the program and u can bring a person with u... venue is same just u have to be here by 11... i think that will be ok" she informed and i rolled my eyes as if i have any say in it.
"yes thats fine... thank u for the call ms charlie i will be there.. and yes m not bringing... hold on yes pls reserve a seat for my acquaintances who will be accompanying me" i told her remembering him at the mention.
She chirped a reply but i hanged up on her. M in no mood to tolerate anything today. Frowning i made my legs work and walked inside the washroom to be ready to face what is in my way. After 3 years i finally managed to complete my book and its releasing today. I just hope he knew about it.
M here in the studio which is swarmed by people who are gushing about everything and anything they can. It's just a mere minute and i will be done with my book for good. Soon the hassle came to a halt and my book got uncovered for the first time. After a few words from the people who apparently were imp, the rj turned his attention to me.
"so ms gangwal... is this novella of urs is based on true events?"
"yes... it is"
"whose life?"
"that i cant tell"
"is this close to ur heart...?"
"no...it is actually a big part of my heart so yeah..."
"have u been in love?"
"m still in love..."
"have u been through any heartbreak...?"
"thats a trick question... the heartbreak is actually a part of ur love journey... it cant get completed if u wont go through it..."
"isnt it painful..."
"love is painful... if u fear being in pain u cant love... being in love means being fearless though it actually scares u... its has been complicated and it always will be... until you experience it u can't fathom it."
"u left me speechless..."
"i m sorry..."
"so can u read ur book for us... only a chapter..."
"nope... m not going to spoil ur fun..."
"ohk then... tell me about u...ur background n all"
"m a simple woman... a writer as u can see... my parents are... are not here anymore...n... n that's it" i said as a lump grew in my already hoarse and dry throat thinking about them. I blinked my eyes to push back the tears of anguish and smiled at the rj who was looking at me with a solemn expression on his face. He cleared his throat and asked the most dreaded question... the question i was fearing the most.
"where is ur better half..." he asked me indicating towards the pendent necklace i am wearing which gives the illusion of me being married. A sharp pain emerged through deep down from my chest, suffocating me.
"no... m not married... but yes m taken and he is a little possessive... so this is it" i put up a brave face. Its not like i regret not getting married, marriage wasnt a priority... but love was. This necklace was his gift for our last anniversary together... the day after which everything got ruined. It hurts me to wear it but i luv it at the same time. Strange isnt it... the thing u love the most hurts u the most.
Everything went by in a blur after that. I kept looking at the chair where he was supposed to be. But he never came. After an excruciating time, i almost ran out of that place. That place is so suffocating. I felt like choking due to fakeness of people. I flag down a cab and told him my address. HOME. That was our home but now it was an abandon address where my abandon self resides. I clutched on the manuscript of my book... when my thoughts went wandering to that day without even my permission.
It is eve of our anniversary but i m away from home... from him. I was sitting gloomily in my hotel room where i have came for a conference but soon perked up when i was informed that my cab has came. M going to surprise him because m not expected till the late hours and i have the perfect gift for him too. I smiled giddily at the thought of his reaction. He is going to be super happy. Still in my thoughts, i even don't know when i arrived at my destination. Paying for the fare i ran towards the door of my heaven. Seriously, i can give competition to usain bolt if the prize is my kabir. "kabirrr..." i screamed on the top of my voice as happiness was coursing in my blood in full speed. "over here baby girl..." his voice came from our backyard. I pouted thinking he knew i was going to be here by now. But nevertheless that didn't damper my good mood and i skipped my way to our poolside. YES... YES... YES OUR VERY OWN POOL. Sounds good... isnt it. I was humming happily when the scene in front of me stole my breath away. Halting abruptly, i gazed at the most perfect scene of my life book. The pool was decorated with floating candles and rose petals while tiny tweeny sparkly fairy lights were showering calmness everywhere.A blanket was laid down by the poolside with a picnic basket and candle stand waiting. The moon was shining and stars were glittering upon me and there was my angel standing right in front of me in his dashing avtaar of a white v-neck tee and ripped jeans, extending his large hand to capture mine small one. Taking in the beauty of the moment, a smile made its way to my lips while his broke into a breathtaking one. He tugged me towards the blanket and we sat discarding over shoes on it. Silence spoke volumes as we kept gazing in each other's eyes letting our souls do the talkings. Finally the spell broke and he cleared his throat. "ummm... so hungry?" he asked with that edgy voice of his making me go mushy. "very..." i replied looking at him through my eyelashes while he gulped hard on the air. The tension of desire was too much too handle. He coughed again and took out plates and glasses "u know i made u the dinner..." he said grinning while i raised my eyebrow at him. "really??" i asked because i know he is pathetic in kitchen. He can burn down the house in attempt to boil water. His head bobbed up and down while he took out the chinese take out packets from the paper bag. "i didnt knew u work at that chinese restaurant down the market..." i choked on my laugh as he made that cute puppy dog face. "but i made the order..." he said defensively. "yeah right..." i said sarcastically while he poked my cheeks and begin serving. The food was delicious... and my fav. We kept talking, making fun of each other, poking and pulling legs for almost 3 hours. Sitting together in each other's arms by the side of pool with feet dipped in cold water... this is perfect. I can just freeze this moment and live in it forever. Suddenly a piece of cold metal slided down my neck and i shuddered in coldness. I looked down and froze in my place. A cute necklace with a shining stone clasped ring as a pendent in it. A warm kiss just above my heart pulled me out of my trance. He kissed the ring and cupped my face while caressing my cheek with his finger. "happy anniversary baby girl" his breath hovered over my trembling lips. "happy anniversary baby..." i replied and just like that our lips molded perfectly with each other. The kiss which started softly turned passionate in less than 30 seconds and we started ravishing each others mouth like never before. It took too long for us to detach from each other. Breathing heavily, he pulled me in his cage like i was a figment of his imagination which will vanish soon. "3 years babygirl... 3 years of us being together... u giving me everything i ever needed... thank u babygirl... thank u for putting up with me" he whispered in my hair. I smiled at the irony... he can never knew what he gave me in all these years. The love and trust he have given me was never in my fate... the care he shown and showered me with. I will be his slave for eternity for what he was to me. My own parents discarded me like a used piece of clothing while he gave me the imp i crave for. He loved me with all me and for all of me. "well i have my own selfish reasons to be with u..." i whispered back as he cuddled me close. "and what are they" he mumbled, his warm breath fanning on my bare shoulder. "i luv u n i need u" that was as simple as that. "ur very selfish babygirl... and u should be punished for that... but i luv u way too much... so i will reward u" he tilted his neck and croked his eyebrow at me. "and what should that be..." i asked. "its ur reward... ask whatever u want" he peppered wet kisses on my face making me giggle. I pulled him through his t shirt and bite his earlobe "make love to me baby... slow and gentle.. love me like no can do..." i didnt knew when i became so bold but it was his effect on me everytime. In the next few minutes we were in our bedroom which was decorated with petals and candles and balloons and smelled like heaven with soft music playing in background. How come i didnt hear it before."m impressed" i praised him as he lowered me down on the soft mattress with such delicacy that it melted me then and there. "all for u my love..." he situated himself on me without putting any weight on my body. Giving me a lustful yet gentle look, he started working upon our clothings with soft and slow sensual touches that ignited every cell of my body. Soon we were in each others embrace, skin to skin, body to body, soul to soul. We were bare in front of each other... not only bodily but in every given level and phases of being. He kissed me with so much tenderness pouring his love through it that it bought tears to my eyes. His eyes glittered with pride and adoration as he gazed upon my naked body. His eyes never made me squirm... they made me feel beautiful, confident and sexy. They boost me up. When he kept adoring me, caressing me through his eyes, i circled my arms around him. "love me baby..." i whispered and it was enough for him. His touches and caresses burned me with right fire of heaven while mouth ravished mine with passion which only he held. Sucking on my skin, he groaned throatly making me shiver with pleasure. I bit my lip as another embarrassing and loud moan slipped through them. "moan my name babygirl... call me" he grunted while simultaneously filling me with himself giving me the well needed pleasure. With slow and steady thrust, he took me to oblivion and joined me soon after all the time gazing right into my eyes. It seemed that that night we connected to another level. His soul piercing gaze would have read how mine was coloured in his. It was like our first time and at the same time it was like our last... our one last night. "i have a gift for u too" i said still panting from our love making. "what..." he asked me with oh so sexy voice. "m pregnant..." i said shyly. He gawked at me like an owl while i grew suspicious of his reaction. But soon all of it vanished as he broke into the widest grin i have ever seen. "really... oh my god babygirl... u gave me the best gift... i luv u babygirl... i luv u so so much" he exclaimed and claimed my lips in a feverish kiss making me dizzy with its intensity. I smiled gleefully at him and soon we were making plans for our baby's future. After which we slipped in dream filled sleep still naked and in each other's arms. That was the moment of completeness and contentment was all i craved ever. Who knew that upcoming morning will bring destruction with itself.
It was just like any other morning in our household. He kept playing with my hair while i dozed off in another dimension. "wake up babygirl... rise n shine my world" he cooed in my ears as i graced him with my lazy morning smiles. "i dont want to..." as usual it starts with me whining and him pestering me to get up. "wake up or do u want me to wake u up in my style" u even can hear a smirk in his voice but well i m too lazy to pay heed on his warning so i snuggled closer to him and dozed off... again. Soon i felt him poking my sides which turned into a tickle war in a second. I squealed like a schoolgirl while he attacked me devilishly. "kabirrr... u moron... what are u doing" i shouted at the top of my voice. When it seemed that he won't stop then i had to call truce. "ok... ok m up... m up" i huffed while he showed his 32 teeth. "m going out... will come back in some time... ok?" he said kissing my forehead. I so wanted to ask him where he was going or where did he go every damn time but as usual i kept my mouth closed and let myself bask in his love. "ok..." i nodded and kissed him morning like usual. Soon after i was alone and cleaning my work desk. I was a freelance writer for a newspaper firm so i work from home. As i was done cleaning, i moved to his office which was again in our backyard but was a cabin made with all high quality equipments. Usually he dont allow me to go inside but m a sneaky creature and a cleanliness freak... so i got to do what i got to do. I sneaked in through the large glass window which he never bolt so its an advantage over that freaky big lock on the door. I started cleaning up when a beep sounded somewhere. I looked up at his fax machine which vomited a load of papers on the tray. Who bloody uses a fax machine now a days. Kabir and his freaky habits. I rolled my eyes as i saw the broken tray and papers lying on the floor creating a mess. Stepping towards them, i collected the load when something caught my eye and my whole world crashed in a millisecond. Quivering with anticipation i opened his locker which was open i don't know why and soon was greeted with a no. Of weapons i have ever seen in my life. Angry and sad tears started rolling down my cheeks. This wasn't what i ever expected him to be... he was so gentle so nice... so caring... how could he be such a monster... no he cannot... he is not... i decline.. i refuse to accept this... he cannot be a criminal... he cannot be a murderer...he cannot be a killer... HE CANNOT BE A PAID ASSASSIN. My child... my baby... he did not have a dirty blood. He is pure... he is mine and his... our love... our love is pure... no... no... this can't be true... it is not true. Soon my sobs shattered the thick silence and i saw my world crashing down on me. This is not done... no it is not. I dont deserve this... my baby dont deserve it. I need to seek answers for my every bloody damn question.
I was in our bedroom still reminiscing our last night here when the front door open and he made his grand entry. "babygirl... whats wrong... why were u crying... r u ok... are u hurting somewhere... tell me... babygirl talk to me" he cupped my face and knelt down in front of me. How can i tell him what is hurting me so bad... how can i say that he was hurting me when he was being such a gentleman. I kept crying while he kept seeking for answers but i had none. I only had questions and i know they will hurt. Hiccuping on my sobs, i handed him his precious documents while i observed his reactions. His eyes went wide first and then narrowed in slits with anger bubbling in them. "did u by any chance placed ur foot inside my cabin?" his voice was low and ice-cold that can freeze the entire nation. I shiver with fear but put on my brave facade up and nodded. "WHY???" his voice roared in whole house and in next second i was pinned on the wall. "didnt i told u before that DO NOT EVEN FACE THAT PLACE... then why were u there??" he punched the wall behind me and i flinched against his flushed body. I looked up to see those familiar stormy black menacing orbs and this time that menacing threat was directed towards me. "don't you ever... and i mean E V E R... go there... understood?" he twisted my arm behind me and i couldn't stop the whimper of pain that escaped through me. Tears escaped once again but this time they had no effect on him. It seems he was satisfied looking at my painful expression. "don't u try n disoblige me again..." he barked with gritted teeth and his other hand fisted my hair and pulled them. A painful shriek escaped and i was thrashed back on the bed. He threw a deadly glare at my way making my breath stuck in throat. He started storming off towards the exit and this was the only time i can get my answers from him. I cant let him go away... i cant let myself go weak... i cannot be scared now... now wasnt the time. I catched him soon as he was about to twist the doorknob. "u arent going anywhere..." i shouted and pulled him back by his arm. Pushing him towards the wall i clutched his arms desperately. "what the hell was that paper kabir... answer me... answer me my every damn question" i screamed out of desperateness. He pulled me towards him with power enough to break my bones and shook me. And our screaming match start off.
"thats none of ur business...".
"every damn thing about u is my f**king business kabir..."
"i told u not to fend in my work..."
"that's not work u do... thats f**king crime..."
"so what..."
"so what???... u r asking me so what... u r a cold blooded murderer kabir and u r asking me so what?"
"DONT... I SAID DON'T OPEN UR PRETTY LITTLE MOUTH"
"WHY... WHY CANT I QUESTION U... ITS ABOUT TIME KABIR... THAT U OPEN UP ON ME... TELL ME THE TRUTH KABIR... WHY U KEPT ME IN DARK..."
He kept mum and just stared at me with fire spitting from those cold orbs which once were filled with warmth of love. That just fuelled my anger more.
"AREN'T I IMPORTANT ENOUGH... WHAT M I TO U... A MISTRESS... WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS... I KEPT MUM FOR 3 DAMN YEARS KABIR ... I NEVER ASKED ABOUT UR SUSPICIOUS TRIPS OR UR WEIRD BEHAVIOUR... NOW PLEASE JUST PLEASE ANSWER ME KABIR"
i cried clutching his collar... pleaded him for answers i needed.
"please kabir...please... for the sake of this child... this unborn sign of our love... pls tell me its not true... that u r not what i think... that this papers telling who's the next target is not meant for u... that those guns and i dont know some intelligentable weapons did not belong to u... that u r my kabir... my love... father of my baby... who is caring gentle and a very good man... please kabir... pls just once deny these things i promise... i promise i will believe u... just say it once" my sobs turn hysteric when he kept standing stiff without moving an inch of his muscular body while i kept thrashing myself against him. Finally when every ounce of energy left my body, i crashed myself on the floor. He calmly collected the papers scanning them... i can see his vein popping at the nape of his neck. Its a sign that he is thinking hard. With a hope i pushed myself up and tugged his hands in mine. "dont go kabir... dont kill people... pls be with me... pls be who i know u to be... dont break my illusion kabir" i begged him for just a chance but that criminal persona of his never budge. The next moment i was pushed against the wall while he knelt to my eye level "stay away from me...m a monster and i always will be" he whispered so cruelly that the hair on the back of my neck stood up. In two stride he went towards his cabin and i know he was there to pick one of his weapon. He came back and tried to open the door but i stood in front of him with determination. "u will not go anywhere..." i said. "leave from here nisha... NOW" he barked. "not now... not ever... i wont let u go" i shook my head firmly. "dont try n make me mad nisha... i will not bother to lock u up and punish u for what ur doing" he pointed his finger at me. "do what u want with me... just dont go..." i pleaded again. He detached me from the door with force and opened it. Now i have no other option but use HIS weapon against him. The click sound of his own gun made him turn back towards me. His eyes went wide with disbelief when he saw me pointing a gun at him. "now kabir... u r not going anywhere... and this is the last time m warning u..." i said with a firm voice and trembling hands. "no way u can do anything with that baby girl..." he smirked at me and twisted me again so i was plastered against his chest. I struggled to get away from his grip but who can give a shake to hulk. "u know what babygirl... i luv u... i luv u so damn much but i cant change myself because i need to be this... this monster of mine will never leave me... it feeds on the cries of people i kill... it bask in the glory of revenge i take... it will suck me up nisha... its my want... its my need and i cant and wont change for anything..." he whispered softly before pushing me on the floor and turning once again. "then dont come back... dont ever come and show me ur damn face kabir... there is nothing left between us if u cant leave ur monster self for me..." i said slowly but steadily this time. "u dont mean it" he replied. "try me on this kabir... M dead serious... if u step out for ur TARGET this time... u wont be seeing me ever again... if my luv cant change ur mind... then there is no true luv between us" i turned and walked back to our room hoping all the time that he will just turn and collect me in his arms providing me the warmth and sooth. It was now or never. Yes he turned... he turned to gave me a long look before his eyes turned their menacing self again. It broke the last hope in me when the door closed with a thud and footsteps went away hurriedly. The brave facade slipped as soon as a tear trickled down.
Long gone was the mask of rightness and here i was completely disheveled not only physically but mentally and emotionally too. He hadn't came back since 2 days and my pathetic self is still sitting on the same spot in same position. I just want him to come back to me... i just want him... if he want to be a monster be it... if he want to be a killer then its ok with me. M dying here without him... i needed him like oxygen. He is my drug to life and when now he isnt with me i m craving for him, writhing against my skin. The dread of his absence is crawling under my skin wanting me to rip myself apart. I want him with me... i need his love to breath... to live... to go on with life... i cant live here live in this world like this. Everything is closing me on now... m suffocating here... he is not here... he is not going to come back... i pushed him... i finally let my misfortune win... finally my fate led me to the hell hole like always... first those pathetic excuse of my parents who think m a dirt to them... then when finally i thought i got someone in my life i scratched him out with my bare hands... why me... why me... WHY ALWAYS ME...????
You should die u damn excuse of a woman...
No... my baby... kabir i cant die...
You should die... u need to die... u are nothing than a bad omen... u r a bane... a disgrace for urself and for him.
No...
Die nisha... die
Nooo...
Die damn it... die and grace urself some dignity.
Yes... yes...
I should die... i should die... pls kill me... god pls listen this last time... either give me my kabir or take my life. Slowly slowly as if like a miracle happened everything went black and dark. And with that i blanked out for good. Or so i thought.
I jerked out of my thoughts when the cab screeched halt in front of the house. Wiping away the tears, i paid the driver who has just witnessed my breakdown in his cab. I thanked him as he gave me a sympathetic smile and went away. Stuttering inside, i knew today i accomplished what i wanted. But still the result was nil. He dont want me anymore... he dont need me anymore.
Yes he didnt want you... he never did not today not 8 years back.
U r right...
I told u to die years ago... but u didnt pay heed.
U r right...
U killed ur child... u killed ur love... u destroyed his peace...
U R RIGHT DAMN IT... NOW SHUT UP... SHUT UP...
I closed my ears with hands and screamed letting out the pain. The void is too big to be filled. I need to do one last thing and then it all will be over. Throwing the script at a table... i grabbed a small notepad and scribbled something i wanted to do for long.
Love is a sacred word in everyone life. For me it only meant kabir... kabir was, is and always will be love for me. I have been through pain betrayal anger unrequited love and little and big traumas of love. May be he was the reason of some of them but i thank god for sending him to me... for him to come in my life and grace me with his magical presence. My fav mornings were when i wake up to his beautiful hazel eyes and my fav nights were sleeping with him holding me tight against himself. I have never loved someone as senselessly like i loved him. And i know i will never be able to found someone like him because there is no one like him. He will always be the one. I have loved his smile, his laugh, his tears, his pain, his anger, his punishment, his cries, his mood swings, his talks, his joys, his despairs, his voice every damn thing of him. I dont know if i ever will be able to live like i ever used to be. The day he was gone i was broken and shattered beyond repair. The ashes of my remain washed away the day i lost my child. Now this walking body is nothing else than a corpse roaming and now its time to burn it down and let it free. So that what i m going to do now.
Clasping the lid of pen on it, i stormed to the drawer of my medicines. I haven't used them since i met him not even all these years when he wasn't with me but now it looks like i ' m going to lose his memories too. Losing his memories like sand from my palm. The last ounce of it and m going to be lifeless. They were from way back when i was a pity depressed soul, from where i have picked my pieces and now m back to square one, to that stupid self of mine. I picked up the sleeping pills bottle... safest and painless way to free this aimless body. U must be wondering what a coward i m... that suicide is not a solution... that i should have faith in god and what not. But u cant understand what it is like to be so clueless in ur life. I have lost the last hope today n i dont know if i can still hold on. M tired and queasy at the same time. For me it is not a riddance, it is actually an acceptance... acceptance that its done... its over. That i never meant to have my happily ever after.
Its been midnight now... my last night in the home i made... we made together. God only knows how much i have dreamt of a happy family of mine and this house was its base but now i have to say my goodbye to this little haven. After my last dinner, i took a handful of pills gulping down them with water. My mind drifted off to the only place which gives me peace n i sat on the armchair. I know the pills will take time to kick in so i started zoning out. its an end and it is for good.
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i entered the house in a jiffy. I dont know why... i m feeling a little fishy today. She had done something i know. I know it was too much for her reliving the moments but she was all good at the venue before today. I was there... and i was soo proud of her. But she left in such vain and hurry that it riled me up completely leaving me dumbfounded. By the time i was in front of her, i knew what she had done. Those f**king sleeping pills were lying at the coffee table and she was sitting on our armchair. f**kING HELL... As i stood in front of her, she snapped her head in my direction. With her eyes wide and mouth agape... she looked adorable. Then her eyes started searching for me and i knew its show time.
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I felt his presence... just now. His warmth is radiating in surroundings and that citrusy cologne smell of his is covering me like a comforting duvet. What is happening. Is he hear... if he is then why cant i see him. Why cant he come in front of me. I m getting too worked up. Maybe its pill effect. Yeah it must be. But then suddenly i felt him again but this time right in front of me. Closing my eyes in frustration i scold my mind for playing tricks on me in my last moments of peace. But that feeling didn't go away. It lingered in air for a long time until i found myself drifting away in dark.
The voice of birds chirping was the one i heard before waking up fully. I stretched my body standing up and smiled at the breathtaking serene outside but suddenly i frowned remembering what i did last night. Didnt those pills worked, how m i alive even. Are they expired... i mean if they were still i should be dead. What the actual fudge is about. Suddenly a gush of cold wind passed making me shiver and i turned to see the most memorable site i wanted to behold, he was standing there leaning at the pillar with one of his breath catching smiles. Tears welled up on their own accord and his feature blurred. But that didn't stopped me from running into his arms. Its been too long... too f**king long since i have basked in his warmth and that is all i needed. I hugged with all my strength if i have left any for my dear life. "m sorry... m sorry... m sorry..." my sobs muffled in his chest while a sigh escaped at the sense of familiarity. "u did the right thing... no need to be sorry" he soothed my hair and patted my back calming me. "u forgive me?" i asked. "was never angry baby girl..." he cooed. "i luv u" i confessed. "i luv u too" he replied and my heart soared in happiness. I beamed at him as he smiled down at me but soon his expression morphed as a sadden one. "why did u do that babygirl" he asked cupping my face. I furrowed my forehead and looked at him confused. "do what??" i asked. He took a painful breath and turned me towards the armchair where i had slept throughout the night. I gasped out in horror... no...
No...
No...
No...
It cant be... how come it can be... m here... arent i? But there was my body in the armchair lying in the same position i had slept in. I took a closer look at myself. My face looked pale and there was a certain bone chilling coldness around it. There wasnt a sign of breathing... is that means m dead that those pills worked... but then how come kabir can see me and talk to me... how come he touch him unless...
No... i had to stop thinking that... it cant be true...
Unless he is dead too...
I whirled around to see him who nodded and my eyes widen. An earth shattering and sky ripping sob aroused in my chest and i let out. "How...when kabir..." i whispered, sobbed harder this time while he took me in his embrace again. "just when u broke up with me... i wanted to punish myself for ur pain and that was answered soon as i got killed during my escaped before killing that target... as i never worked with anyone and was known to be aloof nobody tried to find about my family or anything they just get rid of my body but ur love kept me bound to this earth and u never let me go... i was here every time u needed me... i was there in the venue too yesterday... i never thought u could ever see me but... but why u did that baby girl..." he asked his one hand caressing my jawline and eyes showing concern. "u... u were not... not here all this time... i... i killed u too..." i cried. "no... no no no babygirl... that was my punishment... and m have been here always because of u babygirl... only because of u" he tried to assure me. "i... i thought... thought u hate me n u never wanted to see me again after waiting... waiting for u all these years... i... i gave up on myself... m too weak when it comes to u... thats... thats why i... i..." another wave of hysterics hit me then and there dissolving words in itself. "u never were nor now are weak...got that?" he kissed my forehead. We kept standing there while sun rises along with the world showering the daylight on us while we tried and heal each other.
The world was in the processes of waking up when we decided to finally rest in peace. He led me to our bedroom which now was glowing with an unknown flourishing light. It felt familiar yet strange when we laid beside each other in each others arms just like old times or i say when we were alive. But that will be a lie if i say i feel dead because right now i feel as much alive as that sun shining above and as the stars twinkling behind it. "i love u kabir..." i told him again and it felt so good. "i luv u too baby girl" he told me and it felt surreal.
May be it felt wrong to give up my life to u but it indeed made me lively. I met him... i could at least tell him how much i need him... held him... i have wanted him before but now i breath him... drink him in his madness because m that crazy for him. Love can be ur strength but when it becomes ur weakness it destroys u. It has a fire which can ignite ur dark self but can burn u in hell. I have been in love experienced its burn. But it is something so soul capitivating that u cannot get away from its clutches. It will show u rainbows and unicorn but also let u venture in the hell of fire. That hell too appears heaven because the cause was something too good to destroy u.
A/N- HUSH ATLAST KHATAM... M UTTERLY PISSED AT MYSELF FOR NOT GIVING IT PROPER ENDING BUT THATS WHO I M... I KNOW U WILL BEAR IT WITH ME CAUSE U ALWAYS DO :) IT DIDNT WENT WELL LIKE I WANTED TO BE... I HAVE TO MAKE A LOT OF CHANGES SO IF U HAVE QUESTION DO ASK... I KNOW ITS KINDA CONFUSING...BUT M HERE TO ANSWER
Edited by mansi_as18 - 9 years ago
Writers Corner: Books, Stories & Poems
