138
"If you come back to me, I will hold you tightly and never let you go... I will never let you go this time Sanyukta... I promise," he said to the air with tears in his eyes.
The night was so warm, but he felt so cold, so alone, so broken against this cold, hard wall. Somya was in the other room and there were so many people who were roaming the streets outside, but he felt like he was alone in this world.
Sanyukta was gone forever.
"Sanyukta please come back," he begged his head rolling to the side, tears falling from his eyes, the bottle of whiskey falling to the ground beside him.
He heard the door to the room close and footsteps running towards him.
"Sorry Somya... ignore me," he murmured. "I'm a horrible father."
"It's not Somya, it's me. You should be ashamed," Sanyukta hissed, grabbing his shoulders. "What if Somya see you in this state? What's wrong with you?"
"Sanyukta... is it really you?" he asked her, his eyes opening as he saw her face. "You look so beautiful... like an angel."
"Randhir you shouldn't be like this," she scolded, as she grabbed his arm and tried to pull him up. "Get up... please."
"No... I don't want to sleep on that bed," he refused. "I want to hug the wall and remember my Sanyukta."
"Randhir, your Sanyukta is right here in front of you," she whispered to him. "But you have to listen to her and get up."
"You can't be my Sanyukta," Randhir slurred. "My Sanyukta isn't coming back."
"Please get up," she begged, feeling guilty that his feelings for her was what put him in this state.
"Okay," he finally said, surrendering and stood up shaking.
Sanyukta put his arm around her shoulder, and then dragged him to his bed, before laying him down and bringing the blanket up to his chin.
As she was about to turn around and leave, he grabbed her arm and whispered, "I need you Sanyukta. Please don't leave me."
She turned around with tears in her eyes. Her ears had been aching to hear those words come out of his mouth.
139
She didn't hesitate. She turned around and walked back up to his sleeping figure, placing her hand on his cheek as she caressed it gently.
"I love you," she told him tearfully. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," he mumbled, his eyes closed, as tears fell from his own eyes.
She sat down on the bed and picked up his hand before bringing it up to her chest, to her beating heart.
"Do you feel this heart beating?" she murmured, tears flowing down her cheeks. "Do you feel this restlessness?"
"Sorry to hurt you," he mumbled, and opened his eyes.
Sanyukta leaned towards him and cupped his cheeks gently, feeling his stubble graze her hands. She kissed him on the forehead first, then his nose, then pressed her lips against his.
"I love you so much," she whispered against his lips. "I feel like dying without you in my life."
His arms reached up to hold her body down against his.
"Randhir I have to go," she said, removing her lips from his, "Let go."
"I'm never letting go now," he told her sincerely. "Now you're mine forever."
She felt warmth fill up her body as she heard him say that. A small smile formed on her lips before she pressed her lips against his again, this time deepening the kiss and letting her tongue take control. As soon as his mouth opened, Sanyukta tasted alcohol on his tongue, and pulled herself away.
"Come back," he murmured.
"N - no," she replied, before resting her head on his chest. "I can't kiss you."
"Why?" he asked her groggily.
How could she tell him that the reason she couldn't kiss him was because she was worried that the alcohol would harm their baby who was growing inside her womb right now?
140
Being close to Randhir was not new to Sanyukta, then why was it that the proximity got to her each time? Why would her heart beat faster and her whole body warm up even after all these years?
"Why can't you kiss me?" he repeated, his hand running up and down her back.
"You drank," she answered, blushing at the thought of telling him that she was pregnant.
"So?" he replied, "What's the big deal?"
She bit down on her lip gently, her heart beating faster with anticipation.
"Randhir... I... I... I'm pregnant," she finally confessed.
She waited for his reply, but there was no answer. Smiling softly to herself, she realized that he passed out as soon as his grip on her loosened.
She got off the bed and stroked his hair gently before kissing him on the cheek again.
"I love you," she whispered to him. "But I don't know if the things you said to me right now are what you'll say when you're sober."
Then she turned around and left to go back home. The home she was leaving and the home she was returning to felt completely different though.
"I'll come back tomorrow," she decided. "I'll see if Randhir still wants me back tomorrow."
She decided that she would meet him tomorrow. If he still wanted her back, then she would stay... if not, then she would leave him forever.
141
"Sanyu where did you go?" Anju asked her daughter as soon as she got home. "You know it's not safe to be outside at this time of night."
"Ma I went to see your granddaughter," Sanyukta told her mother brightly.
"Granddaughter?" Anju asked with wide eyes. "You need to tell me everything that has happened to you since you were away."
Sanyukta sighed and followed her mom to the living room, deciding that this was going to be complicated.
"Randhir and I were happy together... but we got into lots of fights because we were struggling for money so I gave birth to Somya, left her with him and then went to Canada to work there... six years later I came back and we got together again. I got to meet my daughter and I got to finally be her mother. Now... I may be leaving him again," she told her simply.
Anju looked at her daughter with shock.
"Is marriage a game for you?" she asked angrily. "Anytime you want you leave, you'll go instead of sorting your problems? Has he hurt you? Cheated on you? Abused you?"
"No!" Sanyukta said quickly, "He's amazing. He's the best husband anyone could have... I just need a break, some time to myself."
"Some time to yourself? Are you crazy? You have a six year old daughter and you need some time to yourself?" Anju asked angrily.
"I'm sorry Ma," Sanyukta told her tearfully. "I deserve all the scolding but please let me stay here for a few days... I missed you too much."
Anju sighed and pulled her daughter in a tight hug. Sanyukta couldn't help but feel safe and warm in her mother's arms.
"Thank you," she whispered to her mom.
142
The next morning, Randhir woke up with a huge headache. The alcohol from last night still hadn't left his system completely. He checked the time and saw that it was already 8 AM. Somya hadn't come to wake him up... perhaps because she was already so mad at him.
Randhir sat up on his bed and placed his head in his hands, as he tried to remember what happened last night. After he found out that Sanyukta died, he had been a wreck. He drank and drank until he lost all his mental stability... and he didn't remember anything more. He felt like she had come to him last night, but how could that be possible? It must have just been her presence in a dream.
He took a deep breath and figured that today he needed to tell Somya that her mother was no more. He couldn't keep it a secret from her. Then he would go to the hospital and see if he could get the body for the funeral.
The thought of going through all of this was hard, but he knew that delaying it was not good. It was better to do the funeral sooner rather than later because it allowed the soul to detach from the body to become peaceful more quickly.
He got out of bed and went straight to Somya's room. For some reason, her door was already unlocked. He went inside and saw that she was still sleeping soundly in her bed, and there was a plate on her table.
Had Somya sneaked downstairs to eat?
"Mommy," Somya murmured as her eyes opened. "Are you here?"
Then she looked at Randhir before glaring.
"It's you," she said with a grimace.
"Somya," Randhir told her, deciding that he needed to get straight to the point, because he didn't think that he would be able to tell her if he held it off any longer. "I need to tell you something. Don't be sad. Your mom she... she has passed away."
Somya's eyes widened with shock and disbelief.
143
"What?" Somya asked her father once he revealed to her that her mother had died. "When did this happen?"
Randhir sat down on her bed and felt his heart begin to ache again.
"Sometime during the day yesterday," Randhir answered.
"Yeah right! Don't lie to me daddy!" Somya said angrily.
"I'm not lying baby," Randhir told her seriously. "I'm telling you the truth... I know it's hard for you to accept it, but you need to."
"I hate you even more now daddy!" she screamed, tears falling from her eyes. "How could you say that about mommy? How could you tell me she is dead when she's alive? You did that last time too, but it didn't hurt me like it is hurting me now because I love my mommy now!"
Randhir felt his heart break into a million tiny pieces when his daughter screamed at him. She hated him. She didn't believe him. She didn't trust him. Perhaps he deserved this... but Somya did not.
"I'm sorry for lying to you last time... but believe me Somya I'm telling you the truth," Randhir told her, trying his hardest not to let his voice crack.
"Get out of my room!" she screamed.
"Somya," Randhir said, holding her shoulder. "Please calm down."
"No!" she screamed tearfully. "I hate you! I will always hate you! You are hurting my mom... I know it's all your fault!"
"It is my fault," he accepted. "I'll go downstairs. You come down when you're ready."
"I'm not coming downstairs!" she replied stubbornly.
"Did you eat at all?" he asked her.
"No!" she lied.
"Then that plate?" he asked her, glancing at the plate on the table and suddenly Somya's eyes widened, and she looked like she was guilty.
"Okay I ate," she accepted. "But I'm not eating anymore!"
Randhir sighed and decided to leave her alone. Talking to her was useless right now.
144
"Say that the body had so much damage that you were unable to store it," Vidhushi said over the phone to the receptionist. The receptionist had called to let Vidhushi know that Randhir had inquired about the body.
"I already told him that I will find out about what happened and give him a call back," the receptionist replied to Vidhushi. "But that story is kind of bizarre isn't it? Do you think he will believe it?"
"He will. He doesn't know much about hospital policy... and right now the sadness must be eating him alive so he'll believe anything," Vidhushi told her sternly. "You just do as you are paid to do."
"Paid what to do?" Sanyukta asked, entering the room, wiping her hair with a towel.
"I'll talk to you later," Vidhushi said into her phone and then hung up. "Oh Sanyukta! You woke up?"
"Yeah it's already noon," Sanyukta told her. "I've been up since seven in the morning."
"Right," Vidhushi said. "By the way, where did you go last night?"
"To see Somya," Sanyukta told Vidhushi. "You need to meet your niece. I think you'll really like her. I should have a picture of her somewhere."
She sat beside Vidhushi on her bed and dropped the towel on her lap, before taking out her phone and flipping through her photo gallery.
"Look, this is the three of us," Sanyukta said with a smile.
It was a picture of her, Randhir and Somya all together. Somya and Sanyukta were smiling at the camera and Randhir was smiling looking at Sanyukta.
"You could tell from the picture itself that he loves you a lot," Vidhushi pointed out.
"I know he does," Sanyukta said with a smile, remembering last night's events.
"By the way... did he see you last night?" Vidhushi asked her.
"No," Sanyukta lied. "He was asleep."
She wasn't about to tell Vidhushi that her husband was drunk out of his mind last night.
"Sanyu!" Anju called as she entered Vidhushi's room. "Did you eat?"
"Not yet Ma," Sanyukta answered. "You come and see our picture too!"
Anju nodded and then sat down next to Sanyukta.
"Is this my granddaughter?" she asked.
"Yes!" Sanyukta said happily. "She looks like you doesn't she?"
"She is very pretty. I really want to meet her," Anju told Sanyukta seriously.
"I'll introduce the two of you. Don't worry," Sanyukta told her mom. "I want to bring her over here one day."
"You have to bring her and Randhir both," Anju said strictly.
"But Ma -" Sanyukta started.
"No buts! Randhir is a part of the family just as much as our granddaughter and you... so all three of you have to come in together. Now both of you come downstairs to eat," Anju commanded.
Sanyukta sighed and Vidhushi just shrugged her shoulders as Anju left the room.
"Take your time Sanyukta," Vidhushi told her best friend.
How could she tell Vidhushi that she didn't need time... she needed Randhir.
145
"I hate him," Somya cried as she hugged Sanyukta that night. "He's telling me that you died... how can daddy say that?"
Her heart broke at the thought of her being dead to Randhir. Was she really that bad in his eyes? Did he really hate her that much?
"Somya that's not how you talk about your father," Sanyukta scolded.
"How can he say that you're dead mommy?" Somya sobbed. "You aren't dead... why is he lying?"
"I don't know," Sanyukta admitted.
Maybe it was to help Somya deal with the loss of her mom better, but she still thought that it was too much for Randhir to say that Sanyukta was dead. It hurt her a lot that he was saying that about her.
"Mommy can I come and live with you?" Somya asked.
"No," Sanyukta said strictly. "Your daddy needs you Somya, and you need your daddy. I know you love your daddy very much, no matter how many times you tell me you hate him."
"But why is he killing you in our family?" she asked tearfully.
"Somya, I want you to listen carefully to me. Your daddy is not a bad person. He is a very good person, a much better person than me. Your daddy will never leave you, but your mommy left you before, and she can do it again... do you understand?" Sanyukta asked her daughter, feeling an ache in her heart as she said those words.
"No," Somya said, shaking her head. "I don't understand."
"You need to understand that I love you a lot, but your daddy's love for you is untouchable. You have been living happily with your daddy for the last six years, you can't hurt him like this. He loves you so much... and me... you never know when I'll come and when I'll go. I might not come from tomorrow... does that mean you're going to hurt your daddy when it was never his fault?" she asked Somya.
"What are you talking about?" Somya asked fearfully.
"I'm telling you that you cannot hurt your father. Everything that has happened up until this point is because of me, not your dad. You have to trust him and love him... he only has you to love him," Sanyukta told Somya softly.
"You can love him too," Somya told Sanyukta. "Please can't you come back to us?"
"If I'm dead to him Somya, then there's no reason for me to come back," Sanyukta answered. "But you don't worry... you do as you are told and love your daddy unconditionally."
"I love you mommy," Somya said, and hugged her mother more tightly.
"I love you too sweetheart," Sanyukta told her softly.
She knew what she was going to do now... it was what she had to do. She had kept too much hope alive inside her, and Randhir not only wanted her out of his life, he wanted her out of his world too. How could she not fulfill his wish?
146
Strangely, he thought he heard footsteps that night. It was like a ghost had entered the house. As he listened closely, he confirmed that someone was in the house... could it be possible that it was just Somya who had gone down to get food?
He decided to go and check up on his daughter to make sure she was okay.
Opening his door, he walked into the hallway and went to her room. He paused outside of the room and pressed his ear to it after hearing murmurs from within.
He couldn't make out what was being said, but he knew that Somya was either talking to herself, or talking to someone else... could it be that she was talking in her sleep?
He tried to open it but it was locked.
"Somya," Randhir called out as he tapped on the door. "Open the door."
All of a sudden there was silence from within.
Finally after a minute, the door opened.
"What took you so long?" he asked. "Who were you speaking to?"
His daughter looked at him with wide eyes.
"N - nobody," she stammered. "N - nobody's here!"
Randhir pushed past her and went inside the room. He looked around and didn't see anyone.
"Who were you speaking to?" he asked again. "I heard you speaking."
"M - myself!" she stammered, sounding nervous. "Daddy I want to sleep! Please let me sleep!"
"Why are you lying to me Somya?" he asked out loud, because he knew his daughter very well... when she looked nervous and was stammering, she was lying.
"I - I'm n - not," she stammered again. "Please go daddy... I need to sleep."
"Someone's here Somya, who is it?" he pressed on.
She took a deep breath before tears started to fall from her eyes.
"Mommy's here," she finally answered.
147
It was hard, but she managed to climb out of the window. She had still not forgotten the days where she climbed down from her room to meet Randhir secretly when she had lived with her parents. That was back when they had first fallen in love. They used to take every opportunity to see each other... but now everything was different. Now, she was different. Now, he was different. Now, their relationship was different... but the love she felt for him was still the same, that remained unchanged.
He didn't want her in his world, and that was okay. She would leave his world. She would go far away, back to Canada and raise her baby herself... she would be happy with her baby, and he could live with Somya.
She didn't get a chance to kiss Somya goodbye, but she knew that Somya would be happy with her father more than she could ever be happy with her. One day, Somya would learn to adjust again.
As the tears poured from her eyes and her heart felt heavy, she knew that her decision to leave may kill her inside, but she was living... and through every breath she took, she would live for her unborn child, all the while keeping Randhir and Somya in her heart.
On the other hand, Randhir who was in the room with Somya, widened his eyes with shock.
"What are you saying Somya?" he gasped.
"I'm telling the truth daddy," Somya cried. "I was speaking with mommy. She was here."
"B - but how could that be?" Randhir asked, his heart aching, "Your mommy is not in this world anymore."
"She is!" Somya screamed. "She's alive! Stop killing her!"
Randhir fell to his knees on the ground and took a deep breath. Somya fell to her knees too and hugged her daddy tightly.
"Daddy please, please bring mommy back. Please daddy. She's not dead. She's alive... she came to visit me yesterday and today too. She fed me. Please believe me," Somya begged. "Please bring her back. Please daddy do something."
Randhir hugged Somya back, and his whole body started to tremble. How could his Sanyukta have been here? How could she have been here and not come to see him? Was she really here?
"Somya... are you sure you aren't just missing her?" he asked her softly. "You aren't imagining her?"
"No!" Somya replied. "She was here. I swear on mommy."
Then she burst into tears again and hugged him more tightly.
"I want mommy," she cried.
"I want your mommy too," he said, his voice cracking. "I want her too."
If Somya was right and Sanyukta was alive, then he had to go and find her at any cost... there was no way that he was losing her now.
"Please bring her back daddy," Somya begged.
"I will bring her back. I promise," Randhir told her. "Do you know where she went?"
"She climbed out the window," Somya told him. "I don't know where she went. Maybe she will come back tomorrow... but I don't think she will... she was talking to me like she was seeing me for the last time."
Randhir squeezed Somya one final time before letting go.
"Go to sleep. I'll find her," he told Somya lovingly.
Somya nodded and Randhir ran to his room. He picked up the phone and dialed the number that Vidhushi had called him from yesterday.
She picked up in one ring.
"Hello?" she greeted groggily... it was like she had been sleeping.
"Where's Sanyukta?" he demanded.
"What?" she asked, sounding disturbed. "I told you she's dead."
"Don't mess with me Vidhushi," Randhir warned. "Tell me where she is."
"You're the one who left her you jerk," she whispered into the phone, and he heard a door closing behind her. "How come you want her to come back now?"
"Just tell me where she is!" he yelled.
"First prove to me that you won't hurt her again," she responded.
Tears poured out of Randhir's eyes and he sniffled.
"I love her very much Vidhushi... my world turned upside down when I found out that she died. I need her with me... I won't ever let her go again. Somya needs her. I need her. We both need her. Please, please tell me where she is. I beg you Vidhushi, please tell me," he begged. "Vidhushi, I will die if you don't tell me where she is."
Vidhushi seemed to think about it for a moment before finally answering.
"She's here with me. I married her brother Ankit. She's in her own house," she told him. "You can come and get her in the morning. For now, I'm going back to sleep."
Then she hung up the phone and Randhir felt a warm feeling enter his heart.
"Thank you God," he whispered gratefully. "Thank you so much."
His Sanyukta was alive, she was well... she was in her own home, and he was going to go and get her.
He would not wait until the morning though. He was going right now. He couldn't bear to be away from her for another second.
148
Sometimes a world without love, was a world filled with one. A world without Randhir would be a world filled with him... because she had him inside her heart, and the reason she was going away, was also him.
As soon as she got home that night, she was relieved to see that her family had already fallen asleep. She was able to get inside her room easily. Her plan was to pack her belongings and leave before the sun rose, because her family would never let her leave if she told them the truth. She would leave a note here, explaining why she had to do this... and she would tell them it wasn't their fault. She would never blame this on Randhir, because she didn't think that she could take it if they started to point fingers at him.
Sanyukta sat on her bed and buried her face in her hands, tears falling from her eyes. She sniffled and continued to cry.
"I miss you Randhir," she whispered into her hands. "I don't know how I'm going to do this."
As her heart ached harder and harder at the prospect of being so far away from him, she started to cry harder as well.
"I feel like dying," she cried to herself. "But I can't die... I am tied to this place."
Then her teeth started to chatter as a helpless feeling overcame her. She got off the bed and fell to her knees, her eyes closing and her hands folded. She bowed down to the ground.
"Randhir," she chanted hoarsely, "Randhir, Randhir, Randhir."
She didn't say anything, she didn't ask for anything, because she didn't know what it was that she wanted anymore... all she knew was his name at this moment, so his name she chanted.
With every name of his that she chanted, she felt like he was getting closer and closer to her... his presence was nearer and nearer, until finally she felt his hands on her hands.
"Sanyukta," he replied softly.
"Randhir," she said, her eyes opening and her heart beating faster.
Was she dreaming?
Ishaani
