Chapter 6: Vortex
It's a vortex when your own emotions trap you.
The tiny kiss was still lingering on my cheek even the next morning.
I reached college just on time that day. When I entered the classroom, I noticed Abhi was already occupying his usual last row along with Purab. As soon as he saw me, he flashed a beautiful smile and did an eye gesture asking me to sit on the empty seat by his side.
I was already feeling flutters even to see him and I was trying to think if I would really be able to sit besides him and concentrate on the lecture. Before I made that decision, the lecturer walked in and I hurriedly took the nearest seat available.
Once the class started I looked back at Abhi to convey my apology. As soon as he saw me looking at him, he twisted his lips and turned away. I tried to look at him several times during the course of next 3 hours as we had consecutive classes but he didn't seem to look at my direction at all.
Later when we went for lunch, he ignored me grandly. Even when I tried to talk to him about random things, he gave monosyllable answers and got busy with something else.
We didn't have classes for the afternoon and Abhi even left for home right after lunch without saying a specific bye to me. I could not believe he got angry with me, just for not sitting besides him and that he did not even give me a chance to explain why I didn't sit. Later I called him once and he did not pick up. A little later, Nikki called him for something else and I noticed that he picked up. Sensing Nikki was done talking to him, I asked her to give me the phone with a hand gesture. She ended up telling Abhi on the phone that she was going to give me the phone. I felt he might cut the call, but thankfully he didn't.
"Hello, Abhishek" I said walking aside.
There were a few moments of silence and then he said "Yes".
"Listen, before I decided to sit, the lecturer walked in and I ended up taking that front seat. It's not like I blatantly didn't want to sit besides you" I explained in one breath.
"Fine. Why are you even explaining it to me?", he asked uninterestedly.
"It's because you haven't talked to me since morning", I snapped a little bit.
"So what? Does it matter to you?", he asked without any emotion.
"Why else I am trying to talk to you? Abhishek, I know you are mad at me, please let this go. This is not even a reason to be angry. But I am sorry if it still hurt you", I said as I felt annoyed and bad with his cold answers.
"Okay, if you are really sorry, take me out for a dinner tonight", he suddenly came up with something else.
"Dinner? I take you out? What?", I was amused and shocked at his demand.
"Yes, if you want to do that, text me the address and time, I will be there. If not, good night", he cut the call.
I did not understand what was happening. First he made a big deal out of just not sitting besides him and now he wants me to take him out for a dinner. I reached my hostel and contemplated on what I should do. I knew I would not be able to eat, sleep or do anything without solving this, so I decided to talk to him in the dinner and texted him the location of a nearby restaurant.
"Hi Chashmish", Abhi was on time at the restaurant.
"Abhishek, what is this?", I asked as I was truly irritated.
"Chashmish, you didn't even agree to sit besides me, I couldn't have asked you out for a dinner. So I tried this way and I knew it would work", Abhi smiled victoriously.
"Why did you want to take me out for a dinner?", I wanted clarity.
"As simple as I wanted to spend some time with you yaar, just with you", he started to order food asking me for my choices, as the waiter came by.
My heart was rushing to make conclusions but I was holding it back with so much effort. Thankfully he himself elaborated on what he said.
"You know, I feel just nice with you. You are so simple, sweet and intelligent. You are not like those other girls in the class. You are not annoying like Nikki either", he chuckled.
I narrowed my eye brows as he talked about Nikki.
"Don't get me wrong. I love Nikki. But what I was trying to say was, I feel comfortable with you. And you care so much about me. Only my Daadi cares for me the way you do. I just feel so happy", his fingers moved to touch mine on the table and he squeezed my hand gently.
I felt so confused. He was holding my hand, he was telling me he likes to spend time with me. What did that mean? But I knew I should not overthink. I tried to breath deep and calm my anxiety.
"How was your auditions?", I enquired.
"They just wanted me to sing some recycled crap. Not what I composed. So that didn't work out", he said with a pinch of disappoinment.
"You missed the history mock exam for the sake of those auditions", I reminded him.
"Who cares? You will share your notes with me, right? In return, I will pay for this dinner, although it's supposed to be from your side", he winked.
He just had this knack to change topics and mood so easily. The rest of our conversation was about random things.
"You don't need to pay. I will pay since I was supposed to pay", I said when the waiter got the bill.
He snatched it from my hand to say "first dame and you will pay? No way!".
I wasn't sure if I heard time or date. But I didn't want to ask him and clarify either.
He walked me to my hostel and before he said good night, he pinched my cheek and pecked me too. Now both my cheeks were tizzy.
The next couple of weeks were the same but more confusing puzzle galore with my emotions all over the place. It was not my emotions that were confusing but Abhi was. He was generally friendly and a touchy feely guy with everyone. Like he would kiss Nikki too on her cheek or forehead like he did when we celebrated her birthday. And he hugged other girls in the class too especially when he teased them and they got mad at him. That's why I would sometimes think that I was over interpreting his display of affection as more than friendship. But then I would feel it was definitely more than that. I didn't dare to ask him anything either ways. Because I worried losing his friendship too if he didn't have anything like that for me and then misunderstood me to be expecting more. The other problem was Abhi was so occupied juggling between college and his music since he had built his own music band now. He was busier than ever these days.
But my heart got messed up when we attended Nikki's sister's wedding.
Nikki's elder sister was getting married and we being her friends were special guests. Nikki ended up having me play the bridesmaid of sorts along with her and her cousins. She made me wear her pastel green saree with a transparent blouse while other bridesmaids and her wore similar patterns in different shades.
Abhi came to the wedding late only after the rituals were done. But he had arrived at the right time because it was time for fun with dance and music. As soon as he arrived, he was very much on the dance floor and soon became the center of attraction too with whom every other person tried to match steps. It was actually the first time I got to see him dance and I was understanding what he meant by he wanted to be a rockstar and not just a singer. He looked breathtakingly handsome and he danced his heart out in perfect moves- he was a pleasure to the eyes, and he was a showman.
Nikki and Purab had joined the dancing gang too but I still stood in the periphery given dance was never my cup of tea. Abhi had seen me standing a few times and he has gestured me to join dancing but I had politely indicated I wouldn't. But he was not the one to let me stand without tapping feet. Soon he pulled me into the center stage with him. He was helping me do some steps while I struggled to learn.
Somewhere in the middle of my sloppy dance, I felt Abhi's hand firmly sliding on my waist and I froze. His other hand came around to encircle me and soon his hands further slid down to lift me up and twirl. I heard some hoots around and felt so shy. As he let me on my feet finally, I was overwhelmed with my flutters and I separated myself from his magnetic nearness. I walked away from the main wedding hall to the room where I had changed, with my hand on my chest trying to contain my heartbeat.
As I tried to switch on the light, I felt a hand on my shoulder, which I quickly recognized as Abhi's. My heartbeat only raised further up as I looked back facing his piercing gaze in the light that only came from the hallway. I turned back trying to find the switch again.
"Why did you run away?", he asked closely standing behind me, pinning my hand to the wall before I turned on the light.
I turned around to face him and I felt myself shivering with awareness.
"Chashmish is looking so hot today", his husky voice whispered with his hand running from my shoulder to the fingers. "And sexy too", saying so he dug his fingers in my waist as I jerked and clutched his coat in my fists.
With streams of sensations running through my body, I could not process any rational thought. "Abhishek", all I could do was to take his name in less than a whisper.
"Uff Chashmish", he said as he brushed my lip with the thumb of his other hand and before I realized he touched his lips to mine, kissing me hard. He caught my lower lip between his teeth and his fingers further dug into my waist. All I could possibly do was nothing more than melting into him helplessly as I closed my eyes. A few moments later I found us both in a tight embrace and I was holding onto him as if I would fall in my lost senses.
What followed was a bout of reality as my brain finally processed what was going on. I was so shocked at the realization that I pushed him away and ran out of the room back to the main hall. I found Nikki and her mother preparing for the bride's bidaai and I joined them in making the arrangements. My heartbeat slowly came down and I made sure I didn't even try to spot Abhi anywhere around to keep myself as normal as possible.
I stayed that night with Nikki and her mother who were in a pensive mood having sent the first daughter of the house away. But I hardly could sleep that night as I went over what had happened between Abhi and me a hundred times.
Abhi had kissed me, the first kiss of my life. I always have had my reservations that a man would never find me attractive, and then having a man like Abhi kiss me was a battle won. And then it was Abhi who kissed me, the guy about whom I have been dreaming day and night for the past few months. The kiss itself was something that swept me off of my feet, the most exciting sensation I had ever felt. And the embrace that followed was nothing less than a beautiful bliss.
Yet, it felt so wrong to me. I wanted Abhi as my lover and as a husband but what was he really to me? A friend? Did he love me? Did I love him? Or was it just a moment of weakness for him? Even if I loved him, he loved me, was it okay to kiss like that? What if someone had seen us? What would my mother think of me if she knew what I had done?
I was so disturbed with contradictory thoughts that I cried in the bathroom that night as noiselessly as possible not wanting to wake up anyone.
The next morning Nikki's brother dropped me to my hostel and I had noticed a few missed calls from Abhi on my mobile. I wanted to talk to him yet didn't want to talk to him. I decided to talk to him one to one in person and went to college.
"Morning Chashmish", smiled Abhi as I met him in the class.
I didn't answer him for I didn't know how to talk to him and I looked down and walked to a seat away from him.
After a couple of classes, it was lunch break time. As everyone got out of the class, I heard Abhi telling Purab that he needed to talk to me. Purab left leaving the two of us in the class and Abhi came to sit besides me.
"Ey Chashmish, why are you running away from me? Did you not like it last night?", he held my hand I tried to pull away. He was firmly holding my hand not letting it go but I got up "Abhishek, this is not right. Let me go", I said sternly.
"Babe, why are you so serious? Sit down and talk to me.", he guided me back to my seat to sit.
I felt like crying but didn't want to cry in front of him. "Whatever happened should not have happened. Please leave me alone", I said without a coherent thought just wanting to not face him at that moment. Since he didn't seem to move from his chair I ran away to the library. I knew I should have talked to him and told him my thoughts but I also knew I could not get it right with my emotions choking at my throat. I tried to wipe my tears out and take deep breaths hoping for courage and clarity to bare my heart to him.
After half an hour, I went back to the class but did not find Abhi in there. I just sat there waiting for the next class to begin and I noticed Abhi and Purab walking in laughing about something. I felt angry that he could laugh this way while my heart was in a vortex.
During the next class, my mobile rang. I cursed myself for having the sound on and silenced it. It was Bulbul calling. My mobile flashed again and I saw that it was Bulbul again. I cut her call for the second time but she called again. I then texted her that I was in a class. She texted back saying our mother had a heart attack and was admitted in the hospital. I felt dizzy for a moment reading that text and then I quickly excused myself out of the class to talk to Bulbul. It was frantic Bulbul on the phone who was trying to manage the situation. I learnt that mother needed a surgery right away which also meant we needed 2 lakh rupees in hand. Bulbul and my grandma had collected about a lakh somehow. I was trying to tell Bulbul the possible sources of money we could get help from but seemed like she had exhausted most of those sources. I told her I was going to come to Pune in the next train and would bring some cash with me too.
"Is everything okay, Chashmish? You need money?" I heard Abhi and I looked back.
"My Maa... She had a heart attack...I need to go to Pune right now... they need to do a surgery...I need one lakh. Can we sell this chain? How much I can get out of it?", I was trying to take off my tiny gold chain.
"Wait, hold on...calm down" Abhi held my shoulder and made me sit on the steps on the side. "Nothing will happen to you mother. She will be fine. Take a deep breath. You leave to Pune.. Don't worry about the money. Wait a minute.." Abhi walked to the class and had Purab come out.
"Purab you go with her to the station. Make sure she gets a ticket, buy one in black. Don't try to make her take a bus. The traffic would be too heavy and she will get delayed. I will see you guys at the station with cash. If the train starts before I arrive, then I will send it by moneygram. Alright?", Abhi told Purab what to do and left. I briefed Purab the situation and we took a taxi to the railway station. Bulbul called me again to tell me that the surgery had already started and they needed to pay the rest of the money after the surgery.
The regular tickets were already sold and Purab bought me a ticket in black. Five minutes before the train started Abhi had arrived at the station too and he handed over a bag saying it had cash. Both him and Purab offered that they would come with me to Pune too but I told them I will be fine. I knew that Abhi had a show to do that night with Purab's help and I did not want to interrupt that at all. They both hugged me and sent me off into the train but Abhi then again came inside the train and sat with me till the train started to move telling me not to lose courage.
By the time I reached Pune, my mother's surgery was successfully done. It was a blockade of a small artery and a healthy diet and medications were expected to keep her safe. I paid the rest of the bills with the money that Abhi had given and my Daadi blessed my friends whom I mentioned to have helped me at this moment of crisis.
Three days later, my mother was released from the hospital and was going to be on bed rest for a few days. Abhi had strictly instructed me over the phone to not worry about returning the money at all. But I sold my gold chain and a couple of other small jewelry we had at home. I could collect half a lakh only and we decided to have the Kumkum Bhagya hall papers at the bank to get some cash. That was not going to happen immediately so I went to Mumbai with half a lakh the next week.
That day I went to college directly from the station and Abhi was not attending the classes. Purab told me he was down with cold and was resting at home.
"Purab, I could arrange half lakh Rupees as of now. Hopefully it will be okay. I can only return the rest of the money once bank approves our loan on the marriage hall we own", I told Purab wanting to know from his side about Abhi's financial situation.
"Di, don't try to give him money back. I don't think he will take it from you in this situation. He will be angry with you. Moreover he has already borrowed the drums and all that percussion instruments from another band for now. So he is managing everything just fine", Purab explained.
"He has borrowed means what? He had sold what he had for this money?", I asked as I realized how Abhi got me the cash.
"You didn't know that? Oh No, may be I was not supposed to tell you. Anyways Di, don't make it a big deal please. He is doing fine. Please Di", Purab begged.
"Did he sell his guitar too?" I wanted to know.
"I don't think so, Di. But please, don't scold him for it or anything. I don't think he had any other way to get money at that time you know", Purab explained.
To know that Abhi had sold away his music instruments for my sake was too much to bear for me. I knew how important was music for him and his ambition to achieve big with it. And it cut me to know he had sold a part of his ambition to help me out. And it bothered me no less that he was not feeling well. I decided to go see him right away.
My heart was truly in a vortex now.
Edited by -Tia- - 9 years ago
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