Chapter 13: Throes of the mind
RK woke up to the clamor of his kids outside. He looked at the table clock.
730 AM.
"Damn! I overslept." he exclaimed as he climbed out of the bed.
"Good morning daddy" Rohan yelled as soon as he spotted him from the breakfast table.
"Good morning daddy" Ria added with a kiss as he reached near them.
"Come on kids. Say bye to Daddy. Your school bus is almost here." Madhu emerged from the kitchen and quickly handed RK his coffee before moving to the kids, not making direct eye contact.
"Bye daddy" the kids screamed in unison a minute later as they walked out, holding Madhu's hands on either side as RK cursed himself one more time for not waking up in time to drop his kids.
15 minutes later, RK came out from the washroom having freshened up to find Madhu packing up her purse, ready to go to work.
"Madhu? Where are you going?"
"Umm...office."
"Office? I thought you were going to..."
"I haven't resigned yet." she softly said, her eyes downcast, a million emotions in her head. RK moved to her and stood directly in front of her, then touched her chin gently to make her look at him.
"Madhu...jaan...I am sorry. If you're angry at me..."
"It's nothing like that Rishabh. I took the week off...but..."her eyes darted away, looking hesitantly in every direction "I need some time Rishabh...I don't know if I am ready to quit this job..."
"Shh..it's ok" Rishabh softly said, reading the mix of guilt, confusion and restlessness in Madhu's voice.
"I will never force you to leave your career. If you want to do the job, do it. I just want you to know..."he again gently touched her face to make him look at her "...Madhu, I just want you to know that you do not have to work if you don't want to. You are not alone anymore. You and our kids will never want for anything as long as I am here, and even if I die..." Madhu put her hand on RK's mouth to stop him from speaking further.
"Ok sorry" he said and tried to force a little smile to lighten the mood and held the hand on his mouth in both his hands "you can do whatever you please Madhu. I am here." he said gently squeezing her hand and looking her in the eye.
RK saw Madhu's eyes welling up with tears that did not fall. There were millions of unsaid words in her eyes that pricked both of them. Finally, several moments later, she nodded gently and broke eye contact, turning towards the kitchen.
Her hesitation and obvious confusion perplexed RK, who wished with all his will she would voice her feelings, whatever they were. Her silence was killing him. He could see she was trying to be strong, trying to make sense of things, trying to not lose control.
How he wished she would stop trying and lose control!
"Your breakfast is here." she came out 2 minutes later and kept a plate on the table. "Lunch is in the kitchen. I will be back by the evening." she said picking up her purse.
"I will have breakfast after I come back from dropping you." RK said, picking up his car keys and walking next to Madhu.
"Arey! it's ok. You relax and have your breakfast. Vikram can drop me."
RK paused his step. Madhu's casual mention of Vikram suddenly hit him as an uncomfortable pang. Images from the previous evening suddenly came back to him.
Vikram entering the house behind Madhu with her grocery bags.
Rohan jumping into Vikram's arms.
Ria breaking into a bright smile on seeing him.
Vikram knowing exactly what his children like.
Vikram telling him how his wife was feeling and how she copes with stress.
RK couldn't help but feel a touch of jealousy. They were his wife and kids. His wife and kids, not Vikram's. They should be the most comfortable with him, not Vikram.
Or maybe...
Maybe it was too late.
Maybe he had been replaced!
No!
No No No!
He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't lose his family, his Madhu all over again. Suddenly he turned towards Madhu, searching for some affirmation on her face that would drown his baseless fears.
Searching for her love.
But he found nothing. Rather, he found so many mixed emotions on her face, it was evident she was carrying a burden too heavy for her to carry alone.
Or maybe she was sharing it, just not with him!
No! He forced his new traitorous stream of thoughts away. She was his Madhu. He had to trust her, like he was asking her to trust him.
And he had to make her believe he was still her Rishu. Because the thought of losing her...
"No" he abruptly said out loud, then composed himself. "No biwi, you can go wherever you want, but I will take you there." he gently held her hand and gave her a weak smile.
"I am always by your side, ma'am. Always at your service." he made a grand bow in front of Madhu, eliciting a nod and a faint smile from her.
"Chalein?" He said, stepping right next to her and lightly holding her by the small of her back.
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Madhu stared at her husband every now and then. He was calmly driving with his eyes on the road, though she could see that his mind was busy somewhere.
"Right" she suddenly said, and he turned to her with a questioning look. "Take right from here. There's construction on the road ahead, it's always jammed. This would be faster." she explained and RK nodded "Yes ma'am"
"Wow this road has changed quite a bit."he said as he turned the car.
"Not that much. Look!" she pointed out the window, and RK recognized what used to be Madhu's favorite golgappe stall and where they had spent many evenings after their marriage whenever he was in town.
"I bet I can eat more golgappas than you."
"Really, Lt. Captain Rishabh Kundra, did you already forget last week when you were scampering for something sweet only after three plates?"
"Last week was last week. Today I will beat you."
"Fine. Challenge accepted. Nobody can challenge Madhubala Rishabh Kundra and live to tell the tale. You don't know me..."
RK smiled as a memory from the past intruded as he drove closer. He had lost the challenge, but he was so happy to lose to his Madhu.
'You don't know me' she had said in jest, but in reality, she knew as well as him that he knew that Madhu inside out. This Madhu, on the other hand...
"It still has the same signboard" Madhu pointed out, interrupting his thoughts.
"Wow, you got to be kidding me! Do you still come here much?" RK asked, as he looked at the shop which wasn't open yet being early in the day, but otherwise looked very similar to what he remembered.
"No...not after..."Madhu replied, nodding her head in denial.
"We're definitely stopping here on our way back in the evening. Your office ends at 530, right?" RK asked, a hint of excitement in his voice that was now affecting Madhu too.
"Yep, okay" she nodded and gave her first easy smile of the day to him. RK's concentration moved back to the road, but her eyes didn't leave his face.
She could get used to this again, she thought. Yes, this smelt like her life, the one she had ceased to leave eons ago. Why then, did everything seem so confusing, so hard, so unsettling?
Why was everything so scary?
Scared. Yes, that's what she was. Scared of thinking. Scared of imagining. Scared of reacting wrongly. Scared of how life was going to turn out next. Scared of whether she would be able to hold on to what she needed to hold on to and let go what she needed to let go.
So much had changed in the last week, so much new information had emerged, so many emotions and memories fought inside her. She felt like she was caught in the middle of a dusty storm and she was trying to hang on to something - blind, having closed her eyes tight, just waiting for the dust to settle.
She took a deep breath, and looked at RK again. He was trying so hard to find a way back to his home, to his family, to her. She couldn't even start imagining the horrors he had lived through without breaking down. The thought of the dark loneliness he must have suffered in all those years, hanging onto nothing but a faint distant hope, sent shivers down her spine. She didn't truly know, probably never could, how he was feeling, but she was equally clueless on what she should do herself. At some level, all she wanted to do was hug him tight and somehow erase all that pain. But she didn't know if she could do that. She didn't know if she had the strength needed to be his pillar. She was crumbling within, and she needed to get her own whirlpool in control fast before she could be of any use to him. That's why she wanted to escape to office for a few hours, trying to find some self-control in the distraction.
For his sake as much as hers.
The only problem was, right now, her head couldn't think straight, her heart was drowning in unfamiliar aches and she didn't even know where to start.
"Full stop"
"What?" Madhu was suddenly jerked out of her thoughts as RK hit the brakes.
"This is your office building, isn't it? Didn't you say Surya Corporate Park?"
"Uh...ahh..yes...this is it...thanks."
"Okay. I will be right here at 5:30 then, madame." RK added with a smile and unbuckled his seat belt so he could get out of the car and see her off
"Rishu..."Madhu spoke up, still unmoving from her seat. Hearing her say 'Rishu' made RK's heart skip a beat. There was something in her voice...
He turned to her, and saw her looking nervous, composing words in her mind before she could talk.
"Rishu...I...there's something you should know." she said, and Rishabh's heartbeat doubled its pace.
Was there another twist in the tale?
Was there another bombshell from the past that was going to be dropped on their relationship. In the mere seconds it took for Madhu to say her next sentence, a million possibilities erupted in RK's mind. What would she say? Was it going to be 'there's something you should know...the kids will be half hour late today'? Or was it going to be 'there's something you should know...I don't love you any more'? Or maybe 'there's something you should know...I am so betrayed after what happened between you and Dipali, that I am going to file for a divorce today'? Or else 'there's something you should know...I was about to marry Vikram when you showed up out of nowhere and now I need you to leave'?
As the seconds grew, the possibilities multiplied in RK's head. He tried to read it on Madhu's face, but she looked even more conflicted and worn out than she did in the morning. She was perplexed, pained and...guilty?
Was he going to lose her again, this time for good?
Edited by teekay - 11 years ago
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