Chapter 3: The Act
She believed every experience was unique to an individual irrespective of how they can all have generic connotation. Like every other thing in life, experience came with experimenting on the subject firsthand or learning from others. After Arnav's confession and expectations she had decided not to talk to her family about it and search online communities instead. Arnav had hinted at material available online and that it would be good if she understands what she was getting into. The power you hold in your hands, was left unsaid.
The conversation that followed her research online was mortifying. Arnav had laughed till he coughed wildly, tears streaming in his eyes and random noises leaving his throat.
"It need not be kinky, you know." He had said after recovering from laughing fit. "There is no rule as to what is right and what isn't. We will make our own rules. We will talk first. We will agree on what's comfortable to both of us. There will be safe words which we both will honor. We will decide what nurtures and what damages us. We will write our own book."
The gentleness in his tone had reduced the tension in her neck but it hadn't entirely removed the fear that had taken residence below her chest. He hadn't answered her question - Whatever they were doing, was it a wrong thing to do?
****
She spaces out more than once that evening. It takes Arnav calling her name few times to get her to break the funk she is under. She apologizes for breaking the character she is under. Arnav's answering frown quickly turns into a sigh of pleasure as his lips part in a guttural moan under her ministrations. She cheers feeling victorious when Arnav gets along with the plan and doesn't interrogate her mood any further.
An hour later she is proven wrong.
Something twists in her stomach when she sees band of red skin on his wrists as he is pulling a blanket on them. It wasn't entirely her idea in the first place but the thrill she felt when Arnav suggested had made her nod her head in anticipation. She had grabbed the first dupatta in her vicinity and used them on his wrists.
"I hurt you." She bites her lips hard and turns her face away from him. "More than once," she mumbles. Shame engulfs her in its hideous hug at the thought of causing him pain. She shifts away from him in a move to distance herself from the love of her life on whom she had inflicted actual physical pain. Arnav grabs her waist and pulls her to him ignoring her grunt. He is still a little out of it and makes a sincere effort to get away from his head space to deal with the issue of real life. It overwhelms him but for the sake of Khushi, he lets it be.
"You didn't hurt me Khushi." He replies softly. He breathes into her neck and nuzzles closer in a way to tell her he is fine. It's the first time they have pushed their old boundaries by setting up new ones and Khushi isn't taking it well.
"I..." She starts but falls silent when she cannot get any words out. Arnav patiently waits for her to continue but is surprised when she turns around and faces him. "I feel as if..." She halts and a moment later begins again. "Am I morally wrong for doing what I am doing with you? It feels like it could be." She asks in a small voice.
Arnav's eyes widen at her question and his heart is shattered at what she has derived out of their arrangement. When they had talked about it earlier in the week, he had laughed at the extremes scenarios that she thought he would be interested in. He had assured her it wouldn't be the case - they won't do anything she is uncomfortable with. And they hadn't. They had come up with boundaries, rules and words to stop when things became too much. They hadn't broken any rule or even come close to breaking one. They were far from crossing boundaries. No words were needed when she had her tongue on him. He had accepted everything she gave him and whined in agony when it was denied. But she had taken care of him in the end after which he was reduced to a puddle of limbs and contentment.
It was quite possible she didn't know what she was getting into when she had not only acknowledged but also accepted what he wanted. He had sincerely believed she would be okay with the change in roles and her consent had given him a happiness he had never experienced before. Now when he looks at her discomfort, he wonders if she is uncomfortable with the situation they are under or is it because she thinks whatever they were doing was immoral. He also wonders if it was wrong of him to expect her to change her ways just because he asked her to. He is angered at his own subtle dominance over her even when he was plaintively asking her to take reins.
He didn't question morality when situation was between two consenting people. If two people agreed to deviate from the normal or what predominant society deemed "right", as long as they were well within the privacy of their bedroom, he was okay with it. He didn't care how a man or women were treated if both knew what roles they were playing and agreed upon it well in advance. To him, it was entirely about trust and giving up control willingly thus reducing the chance of paranoia or anxiety than any extreme the culture offered. Morality was not even in the equation when he proposed this arrangement to Khushi.
Now he feels as if he had misread the entire situation and had grossly misunderstood Khushi's intentions. Maybe he should have given few weeks or months before could take the arrangement to the next level. Maybe Khushi was happy with the way they were before. Maybe Khushi was being her kind self and doing things because it would make him happy. He wouldn't let it past her to do things that cut her to the bone if it meant others would be happy because of that. He bites his lips hard and turns away from her, pushing himself from bed to put on sleepwear.
"Do you feel immoral or deviant or...disgusted by what we are doing?" He asked swallowing bitterness that was swirling in his stomach. He puts his back on her so that he doesn't see the reaction on her face. He doesn't think he will recover fast enough if she finds their arrangement...wrong. He promises himself not to hold it against her because she is well within her power to deny what she clearly feels wrong though she doesn't voice about it.
"I am not sure." She says softly. He lets out the breath he didn't know he was holding and rubs his palm across his face. He wishes she spoke more when it actually mattered. He wants her to tell him what she exactly feels about all of this just how she explains her favorite dessert. He finds it more disappointing that she refuses to talk about her dilemma in open than bottling it all up within her. Schooling his features to hide his inner turmoil, he turns to look at her with a small smile. She smiles weakly but doesn't offer any further explanation.
"It is okay if you don't want this...lifestyle." Arnav says in a gentle tone. His heart beats rapidly in his chest and its almost deafening in his ears. The gushing blood claws at his skin and years of practice helps him to calm himself down. "We don't have to do this anymore." He says in what he hopes to be a final tone. "Go to sleep Khushi. It's been a long night." He bends forward and presses his lips on her cheeks.
Khushi looks at him blankly and frowns when his words settle around her. She closes her eyes as he fusses next to her and finally stops fidgeting. The hand on her waist feels heavier than other times but she doesn't pay attention to it as exhaustion wears her down.
When she wakes up in the morning, she is alone.
Book Talk
CID
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
44