Posted:
Hi all
I promised a friend last night that I wouldnt write anything dark, but yesterday's episode left me with no choice. The last time I wrote Raman Ramblings, it was so much different. I was waiting for some inspiration to write one for Ishita. As happy as I am that I found it, I am crushed that the inspiration was so sombre. I DO vow to make my next one lighter!!!
The song to go with this piece is "Raina Beeti Jaaye" from Amar Prem
If the title hasnt shooed you off, please do read on and let me know what you think...
*****
My last patient has left, and I have some time before leaving for home. Home, ah, where is home? People used to say that a woman's marital home shouldn't be so close
to her paternal one. As regressive as that sounded, it was something I have come to realise now. I want to go home, the place where Amma and Appa are. I need to be able to sleep on my mother's lap and cry my heart out. I want my Amma to lovingly pat my back and encourage me to cry it out. I want my Appa to sit there, not ask any questions, but just be there for me. I know I cannot do that. Because going back to that building will invariably lead me to his house. The house where Ruhi is the only soul I can connect with any more. Oh how much I wish I could take the clock back a few days. I wish I was at home that night, and Amma hadnt have to go out looking for me. I wish Amma hadnt met with that horrible accident. I wish my life hadn't turned.
I was a fool when I thought he was warming up to me. He had been so helpful to Amma, so caring towards me. He'd acted as if he wanted to protect me from all the evils on earth. That was such a precious feeling, to be the person that someone else wanted to hold close to their heart and protect. Honestly, when I had entered their home as Mrs. Ishita Bhalla for the first time, I had no expectations from anyone except Ruhi. She was the only one I loved, and she was the only one who loved me back. I'd have happily lived my whole life basking in that love. He had changed my mind, he'd made me feel I was a part of his life too.
And look where it's got me. I had one of the most difficult nights of my life last night. I had gone to bed angry. Angry at him for betraying my trust, for crushing the faith I had started to place in our marriage. I had no clue what was happening between us. Did I have the right to be mad at him? I think I did, and he looked torn to be breaking my heart too. But what was so personal to him that he couldnt share with me? Do I not mean anything to him? Oh Lord, is Shagun right when she says that all I am is Ruhi's care taker? Is that how he sees me too?
I didnt know this morning would be so pleasant. I was ecstatic when I found out about Akka's pregnancy. My eyes twinkled at the prospect of having another new life enter ours. I was reminded that amidst the chaos, there was still hope. There was still love. My happiness was interrupted by him, again. I couldn't imagine what could be so important that he had to leave abruptly in the middle of a celebration. I should have been used to it by now, but my silly heart still plunges every time he takes a misstep. On the face of it, he had to rush for a business meeting, and no one else noticed the subtle changes in his face when he answered the phone call. But I did. Nothing he did seemed subtle to me any more. Once again, I was not sure what the source of my pain was. Was it his indifference or was it the pain on his face. If only he told me what was happening with him.
It's time to leave now, I have to go back home. I have to be strong, as much as I can. For the one person who still loves me, who cherishes my presence in her life. Who needs me and more importantly, wants me. Ruhi would be back by now, and if I am even a few minutes late, she would wonder where I was.
I wasn't prepared to be rattled by her innocent questions, not twice in the same day. I knew I had to explain to her some day, but I wasnt prepared today. How could I deny that young child's plea to God to get her a younger brother. The child wanted a sibling, she didn't know what one was. Which was a shame, considering she already had one. I'd have to find a right time to talk to her about the impossibility of me being a mother. Knowing Ruhi, she'd understand. She'd even make me feel better. Only she has the power to wipe my deficiency off my mind. She is my light.
What am I thinking? COuld I get any sillier? Even if I could have children, practicality would have come in the way. I cannot imagine having a child with Raman. For that, there would need to be an intimacy that seemed so alien. A few days ago, I may have thought of it, heck I even did. On the bench outside the party, when I told him I couldn't give him any children, maybe my sub-conscious mind was talking. It was saying that if it was biologically possible, then there could be a scenario where Raman and I would be intimate. I had not cringed at that thought, and neither had he.
Those fond coversations seem so far away now, as if there were from another life. I dont seem to relate to the words anymore, and I certainly cannot relate to the man I spoke to. Was he still there? If he was, why has he stopped talking to me?
He was home now, and was trying to talk to me. My first instinct was to ignore him, but when he said something about going out for a picnic, my heart fluttered a bit. He was trying to come back, he wanted to reconnect, not just with me but with everyone around him. If there was ever a call for help, this was it. But, I was so wrong. The hand from Above slapped me hard when I heard him tell me what he really meant. He wanted to take Adi, Ruhi along with Shagun on a picnic. No, I dont think I heard him right. He couldnt mean that, he surely wouldn't want to do that to me. Why?
I couldn't breathe. I am not a coward, but that wasn't the moment to show my courage. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I ran into the bathroom, and splashed cold water on my face. I wanted the chill to wake me up from what surely was a nightmare. This couldn't be happening. This shouldn't be happening. As torn and broken as he sounded, he could have been a bit more understanding.
He should have known how his news would affect me. He was asking me if he could go spend time with the mother of his children. And here I was, thinking I mattered to him. That I wasn't just his daughter's mother. That I was his friend, his partner in life. The one he wanted along for his journey in life. Had he not said as much when he'd asked me to dance the other day? Lord, that seems like ages ago. Again, something I may have experienced in a past life. It surely wasn't reconciling with anything thats happening to me now. I was never one to wallow in self-pity, and what was the use? Really, what was the use? I was caught in a place I didn't want to be in, without the promise of a place I could run to.
It took me a moment to come to terms with the fact that he wanted to take Ruhi along. I am not one to act proprietary with another life, but he should have known how much Ruhi meant to me. I am not one to cause any more separation between a child and her mother, but really? Where was that so-called family when Ruhi was alone and shattered. Where was the mother when the child pined to talk to someone, hold someone? Where was the brother all these years. Why did no one ever miss Ruhi? I lashed out at Raman. To him, it seemed like I did not want to let go of Ruhi, and maybe that was right. But I was angrier at the fact that my child was being used as a pawn in a game of God-knows-what. If anyone loved Ruhi, they had ample opportunity and time to show it. Why now, and why like this? Was Raman so blind he couldnt see it? I shudder at the thought that Raman could ignore his daughter's well-being for the happiness of his son's.
I run to the only place I can think of. My mother would surely know what to do, what to say. She had the power to stop my tears. I wanted badly to stop crying. Tears weren't solving my problems, only aggravating them. I banged on the door like a teenage girl, suffering her first heart-break and wanting her parents' embrace. I had been there too many times, and my parents always knew what to say. They'd know now too.
I couldnt believe it when I saw the lock on the door. Who leaves their child desolate? Why would my Amma not be there when I needed her the most? Did she not know my anguish? As I wiped my tears, I also erased the misdirected anger. It wasn't my parents' fault. They were the best a girl could hope for.
Which made me wonder, if I didn't have them, who did I have? Who would I go to, if they weren't around? Who is MY PERSON?
"He does something to me, that boy. Every time. It's his only detriment. He steps on my heart. He makes me cry." - Markus Zusak, The Book Thief
***** So, how was it???
I promised a friend last night that I wouldnt write anything dark, but yesterday's episode left me with no choice. The last time I wrote Raman Ramblings, it was so much different. I was waiting for some inspiration to write one for Ishita. As happy as I am that I found it, I am crushed that the inspiration was so sombre. I DO vow to make my next one lighter!!!
The song to go with this piece is "Raina Beeti Jaaye" from Amar Prem
If the title hasnt shooed you off, please do read on and let me know what you think...
*****
My last patient has left, and I have some time before leaving for home. Home, ah, where is home? People used to say that a woman's marital home shouldn't be so close
to her paternal one. As regressive as that sounded, it was something I have come to realise now. I want to go home, the place where Amma and Appa are. I need to be able to sleep on my mother's lap and cry my heart out. I want my Amma to lovingly pat my back and encourage me to cry it out. I want my Appa to sit there, not ask any questions, but just be there for me. I know I cannot do that. Because going back to that building will invariably lead me to his house. The house where Ruhi is the only soul I can connect with any more. Oh how much I wish I could take the clock back a few days. I wish I was at home that night, and Amma hadnt have to go out looking for me. I wish Amma hadnt met with that horrible accident. I wish my life hadn't turned.
I was a fool when I thought he was warming up to me. He had been so helpful to Amma, so caring towards me. He'd acted as if he wanted to protect me from all the evils on earth. That was such a precious feeling, to be the person that someone else wanted to hold close to their heart and protect. Honestly, when I had entered their home as Mrs. Ishita Bhalla for the first time, I had no expectations from anyone except Ruhi. She was the only one I loved, and she was the only one who loved me back. I'd have happily lived my whole life basking in that love. He had changed my mind, he'd made me feel I was a part of his life too.
And look where it's got me. I had one of the most difficult nights of my life last night. I had gone to bed angry. Angry at him for betraying my trust, for crushing the faith I had started to place in our marriage. I had no clue what was happening between us. Did I have the right to be mad at him? I think I did, and he looked torn to be breaking my heart too. But what was so personal to him that he couldnt share with me? Do I not mean anything to him? Oh Lord, is Shagun right when she says that all I am is Ruhi's care taker? Is that how he sees me too?
I didnt know this morning would be so pleasant. I was ecstatic when I found out about Akka's pregnancy. My eyes twinkled at the prospect of having another new life enter ours. I was reminded that amidst the chaos, there was still hope. There was still love. My happiness was interrupted by him, again. I couldn't imagine what could be so important that he had to leave abruptly in the middle of a celebration. I should have been used to it by now, but my silly heart still plunges every time he takes a misstep. On the face of it, he had to rush for a business meeting, and no one else noticed the subtle changes in his face when he answered the phone call. But I did. Nothing he did seemed subtle to me any more. Once again, I was not sure what the source of my pain was. Was it his indifference or was it the pain on his face. If only he told me what was happening with him.
It's time to leave now, I have to go back home. I have to be strong, as much as I can. For the one person who still loves me, who cherishes my presence in her life. Who needs me and more importantly, wants me. Ruhi would be back by now, and if I am even a few minutes late, she would wonder where I was.
I wasn't prepared to be rattled by her innocent questions, not twice in the same day. I knew I had to explain to her some day, but I wasnt prepared today. How could I deny that young child's plea to God to get her a younger brother. The child wanted a sibling, she didn't know what one was. Which was a shame, considering she already had one. I'd have to find a right time to talk to her about the impossibility of me being a mother. Knowing Ruhi, she'd understand. She'd even make me feel better. Only she has the power to wipe my deficiency off my mind. She is my light.
What am I thinking? COuld I get any sillier? Even if I could have children, practicality would have come in the way. I cannot imagine having a child with Raman. For that, there would need to be an intimacy that seemed so alien. A few days ago, I may have thought of it, heck I even did. On the bench outside the party, when I told him I couldn't give him any children, maybe my sub-conscious mind was talking. It was saying that if it was biologically possible, then there could be a scenario where Raman and I would be intimate. I had not cringed at that thought, and neither had he.
Those fond coversations seem so far away now, as if there were from another life. I dont seem to relate to the words anymore, and I certainly cannot relate to the man I spoke to. Was he still there? If he was, why has he stopped talking to me?
He was home now, and was trying to talk to me. My first instinct was to ignore him, but when he said something about going out for a picnic, my heart fluttered a bit. He was trying to come back, he wanted to reconnect, not just with me but with everyone around him. If there was ever a call for help, this was it. But, I was so wrong. The hand from Above slapped me hard when I heard him tell me what he really meant. He wanted to take Adi, Ruhi along with Shagun on a picnic. No, I dont think I heard him right. He couldnt mean that, he surely wouldn't want to do that to me. Why?
I couldn't breathe. I am not a coward, but that wasn't the moment to show my courage. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I ran into the bathroom, and splashed cold water on my face. I wanted the chill to wake me up from what surely was a nightmare. This couldn't be happening. This shouldn't be happening. As torn and broken as he sounded, he could have been a bit more understanding.
He should have known how his news would affect me. He was asking me if he could go spend time with the mother of his children. And here I was, thinking I mattered to him. That I wasn't just his daughter's mother. That I was his friend, his partner in life. The one he wanted along for his journey in life. Had he not said as much when he'd asked me to dance the other day? Lord, that seems like ages ago. Again, something I may have experienced in a past life. It surely wasn't reconciling with anything thats happening to me now. I was never one to wallow in self-pity, and what was the use? Really, what was the use? I was caught in a place I didn't want to be in, without the promise of a place I could run to.
It took me a moment to come to terms with the fact that he wanted to take Ruhi along. I am not one to act proprietary with another life, but he should have known how much Ruhi meant to me. I am not one to cause any more separation between a child and her mother, but really? Where was that so-called family when Ruhi was alone and shattered. Where was the mother when the child pined to talk to someone, hold someone? Where was the brother all these years. Why did no one ever miss Ruhi? I lashed out at Raman. To him, it seemed like I did not want to let go of Ruhi, and maybe that was right. But I was angrier at the fact that my child was being used as a pawn in a game of God-knows-what. If anyone loved Ruhi, they had ample opportunity and time to show it. Why now, and why like this? Was Raman so blind he couldnt see it? I shudder at the thought that Raman could ignore his daughter's well-being for the happiness of his son's.
I run to the only place I can think of. My mother would surely know what to do, what to say. She had the power to stop my tears. I wanted badly to stop crying. Tears weren't solving my problems, only aggravating them. I banged on the door like a teenage girl, suffering her first heart-break and wanting her parents' embrace. I had been there too many times, and my parents always knew what to say. They'd know now too.
I couldnt believe it when I saw the lock on the door. Who leaves their child desolate? Why would my Amma not be there when I needed her the most? Did she not know my anguish? As I wiped my tears, I also erased the misdirected anger. It wasn't my parents' fault. They were the best a girl could hope for.
Which made me wonder, if I didn't have them, who did I have? Who would I go to, if they weren't around? Who is MY PERSON?
"He does something to me, that boy. Every time. It's his only detriment. He steps on my heart. He makes me cry." - Markus Zusak, The Book Thief
***** So, how was it???
