Indian Parents- Domination OR Affection - Page 9

Originally posted by: Maya_M

Actually this question has bothered me many times. We say that parents' love is the most selfless affection. But if they become dissatisfied and sad when when their expectations are not met by children then wouldn't that make them selfish? Does it mean that when they took care of children in young they expected the return in old? It means it was a selfish act or something which was done with expectation. A son or daughter fulfilling duty towards an older parent is a different thing. But should it be out of compulsion or out of love?

There is nothing more beautiful then the heart of parents loving their children. When they make sacrifices for their children and forget about their own well being, the whole universe bows before that love. We see this in animals too caring for their young ones..

But that is where the similarity ends with humans. Us humans thrive on co -dependency and it is only natural for parents to expect to be taken care of by who else other then their family in the absence of western concept of social security ... I don't think this is selfish at all.. As an adult child with family of their own, one cannot pick and choose , who to love or help within the living and needy members of the family which includes older parents as well as young children. I think the single most compelling reason for parents to make a sacarifice to send the child to college is for the benefit of the child and not any personal agenda for future payback. It is only when they can't support themselves in the old age financialy or emotioanly/mentally that they need their children the most.. What is wrong with that? To view this as selfish is indeed selfish and judgemental... I agree with Raj's point of why bother to say Thank you's when one holds a door open for someone...

Genuine love is most selfish and rare, in the true sense of the term, it benefits your life in a way that involves no sacrifice of others to yourself or of yourself to others.

Originally posted by: lighthouse

There is nothing more beautiful then the heart of parents loving their children. When they make sacrifices for their children and forget about their own well being, the whole universe bows before that love. We see this in animals too caring for their young ones..

But that is where the similarity ends with humans. Us humans thrive on co -dependency and it is only natural for parents to expect to be taken care of by who else other then their family in the absence of western concept of social security ... I don't think this is selfish at all.. As an adult child with family of their own, one cannot pick and choose , who to love or help within the living and needy members of the family which includes older parents as well as young children. I think the single most compelling reason for parents to make a sacarifice to send the child to college is for the benefit of the child and not any personal agenda for future payback. It is only when they can't support themselves in the old age financialy or emotioanly/mentally that they need their children the most.. What is wrong with that? To view this as selfish is indeed selfish and judgemental... I agree with Raj's point of why bother to say Thank you's when one holds a door open for someone...

Genuine love is most selfish and rare, in the true sense of the term, it benefits your life in a way that involves no sacrifice of others to yourself or of yourself to others.

I am not being judgemental but raised a simple question. Even in west there are more people without proper means to support them in old age. So this is not a western or Indian concept. So just because I raised a valid point doesn't make me selfish or judgemental.

According to me anything which is done with expectations is selfish. When parents raise a child obviously they don't think about future returns. They only do it for child's well being. But as a child starts earning I have seen in many families even with means to support themselves in old age, they expect things from children. There are parents who remind children of all the things they did for them while bringing them up. All this comes in selfish category. There are many families who have enough pension money to support themselves but still expect money, big houses and other expensive things for comfort. I would say a son or daughter should give those things out of love but if it is given because of demand or compulsion then it is sad, both for parents and child.

I have also seen selfless parents who live comfortable with the pension money and the investments they made for themselves and whatever money their children send them, they deposit or buy land in their children's name. So there are TRUELY selfless parents too.

I wouldn't put such selfless parents along with the selfish kinds. It is an insult to the former.

Originally posted by: Maya_M

I am not being judgemental but raised a simple question. Even in west there are more people without proper means to support them in old age. So this is not a western or Indian concept. So just because I raised a valid point doesn't make me selfish or judgemental.

According to me anything which is done with expectations is selfish. When parents raise a child obviously they don't think about future returns. They only do it for child's well being. But as a child starts earning I have seen in many families even with means to support themselves in old age, they expect things from children. There are parents who remind children of all the things they did for them while bringing them up. All this comes in selfish category. There are many families who have enough pension money to support themselves but still expect money, big houses and other expensive things for comfort. I would say a son or daughter should give those things out of love but if it is given because of demand or compulsion then it is sad, both for parents and child.

I have also seen selfless parents who live comfortable with the pension money and the investments they made for themselves and whatever money their children send them, they deposit or buy land in their children's name. So there are TRUELY selfless parents too.

I wouldn't put such selfless parents along with the selfish kinds. It is an insult to the former.

Totally agree with you, Maya. To bring a child into this world so that he/she can be "budhapey ka sahara" is by no stretch of imagination a "selfless act". If parents have been smart and sensible, they would have taken care of their own future while building up their children's future. Whatever the children then add to it is a luxury, not a necessity.

Originally posted by: SholaJoBhadkey

Totally agree with you, Maya. To bring a child into this world so that he/she can be "budhapey ka sahara" is by no stretch of imagination a "selfless act". If parents have been smart and sensible, they would have taken care of their own future while building up their children's future. Whatever the children then add to it is a luxury, not a necessity.

Yes Bansali. That was my point too.

To make my stand more clear, I am not against children helping their parents. In fact I would like each child no matter what their parents' status is should help/gift things. It all should be out of love. If a child sees the parent in debt then help them. But I would never appreciate a parent listing the deeds they did for their children to all and sundry. It makes all sacrifices look cheap. There are a lot of parents who can afford a decent living with their own money but thet still pester their sons esp. after marriage because they don't want their son's money being used only by DILs because they think it is their first right on son's money. So even when they don't want they still ask for more and more for show offs. I have no respect for such parents either.

Originally posted by: Maya_M

There are a lot of parents who can afford a decent living with their own money but thet still pester their sons esp. after marriage because they don't want their son's money being used only by DILs because they think it is their first right on son's money. So even when they don't want they still ask for more and more for show offs. I have no respect for such parents either.

Originally posted by: Maya_M

Yes Bansali. That was my point too.

To make my stand more clear, I am not against children helping their parents. In fact I would like each child no matter what their parents' status is should help/gift things. It all should be out of love. If a child sees the parent in debt then help them. But I would never appreciate a parent listing the deeds they did for their children to all and sundry. It makes all sacrifices look cheap. There are a lot of parents who can afford a decent living with their own money but thet still pester their sons esp. after marriage because they don't want their son's money being used only by DILs because they think it is their first right on son's money. So even when they don't want they still ask for more and more for show offs. I have no respect for such parents either.

Sounds familiar - kyon Saasuma???😉😆

On a serious note - I know someone whose family's motive is to extort all the money he has, on all kinds of pretexts, just to make the DIL suffer 🤢

Originally posted by: SholaJoBhadkey

Sounds familiar - kyon Saasuma???😉😆

On a serious note - I know someone whose family's motive is to extort all the money he has, on all kinds of pretexts, just to make the DIL suffer 🤢

🤢

Originally posted by: Maya_M

I am not being judgemental but raised a simple question. Even in west there are more people without proper means to support them in old age. So this is not a western or Indian concept. So just because I raised a valid point doesn't make me selfish or judgemental.

According to me anything which is done with expectations is selfish. When parents raise a child obviously they don't think about future returns. They only do it for child's well being. But as a child starts earning I have seen in many families even with means to support themselves in old age, they expect things from children. There are parents who remind children of all the things they did for them while bringing them up. All this comes in selfish category. There are many families who have enough pension money to support themselves but still expect money, big houses and other expensive things for comfort. I would say a son or daughter should give those things out of love but if it is given because of demand or compulsion then it is sad, both for parents and child.

I have also seen selfless parents who live comfortable with the pension money and the investments they made for themselves and whatever money their children send them, they deposit or buy land in their children's name. So there are TRUELY selfless parents too.

I wouldn't put such selfless parents along with the selfish kinds. It is an insult to the former.

Social security income and medicare is a western concept and hence it renders a source of income and medical care for the elderly which shifts the burden from the children to the government.

Yes I agree some parents are greedy and want their sons money even if they have enought to live on but then the opposite is true also where the parents are poor and neglected by the children who have huge mansions and 6 figure income as we saw in Baghban... Also in some bussiness communities , parents will invest all their savings into bussiness for the children and end up with nothing. I have seen it happen in my own extended family.

I think in both cases where either the children or the parents are greedy and insensitive , it is wrong but we are talking about parents being needy and not assisted by the children when they are supposed to and that is when if parents resort to reminding them of the sacrifices that were made to bring them up is needed for reality check.

Originally posted by: lighthouse

Social security income and medicare is a western concept and hence it renders a source of income and medical care for the elderly which shifts the burden from the children to the government.

Every good thing is not a western concept. Every govt. employee have pension plan and many private firms have pension plans, stock options etc. Also there are health benefit plans and insurance. The health plans can be taken by children for their parents too. In US there are a lot of people without any social security.

Originally posted by: lighthouse

it is wrong but we are talking about parents being needy and not assisted by the children when they are supposed

There is nothing wrong or right here. All of us are posting our views. We are talking about parents because that is the subject.

Originally posted by: SholaJoBhadkey

Sounds familiar - kyon Saasuma???😉😆

😆 Here too story? I have to go to Chat Club to read the updates.