**Replies begin page 2.13. Behind The Curtains
In the dark confines of my room later at night, I stood by the window, gazing at the clear sky and the full moon. G had left soon after she'd dropped us to my apartment, and Raya and Raunaq had retired to bed within an hour of stepping into the house. It was only me, the insomniac, who couldn't lull herself to sleep.
Now that I was alone again, I had time to ponder over what I had filed away for a later time. I had seen him after seven years, and that too, barely for a few seconds, yet my mind had registered most superficial details about him. He was not lean anymore. I laughed slightly as I realised how wrong I was in categorising him as bulky when I saw him tonight. He had a hefty and well-toned physique which his perfectly fitting suit served to enhance. His face, in profile, appeared more mature with the stubble, which seemed to be darker than what I could recall. His hair had been combed away to give a view of the broad forehead he had. At that moment, I had turned around without seeing him face to face but I was getting the urge to recall his face.
I gave into the moment and closed my eyes to see his face flash in front of me. The smiling face, the chocolate brown eyes which always held a warmth in them, the strong supportive form he had always been for anyone he cared for. Maan. The very same Maan who had given me the best of times during college, who had made me live that life when I was an extreme recluse, and whose heart I had broken when he'd lain it bare in front of me.
I felt myself being pulled back into the rainy night when he had stood in front of my hostel and called me. I remembered the way he had held me, the way his arms had encaged me to himself. It had felt different, safe even. The way he had danced with me that night, and the way he had confessed his heart, it all seemed so magical. And then the magic vanished.
The smile I hadn't felt forming on my lips faded in a blink. I could almost see it playing in front of my eyes like it was happening all over again. His face had held such an immense pain that I had cursed myself for being the cause of it.
His sudden appearance today had pushed me back into the thoughts I had seldom let my mind wander upon. It made me imagine what could have happened if I had agreed to his proposal, what would have happened if I had given him the chance he had begged for. His eyes would have shined with delight if I had said yes.
Did that mean I regretted refusing him? I shook my head to bring myself out of the thoughts. Perhaps I was regretting it in this moment, when I had seen him. Only in this moment, I let myself flow with the sequence of my thoughts, introspecting about the bygones.
I had been scared, a coward. I hadn't had the courage to hold his hand and let him lead me. I had been naive, a fool to let him drift away from me. I hadn't had the guts to hold his hand and bravely face whatever life threw at us.
I knew I did not feel as strongly for him as he did for me back then and it would have been unfair of me to tie him in a bond which was based on unequal sentiments for both of us. But I had realised later how wrong I had been in refusing him. I had regretted my decision when I had thought about it. I had wished I would have said yes to him. A memory played at the edges of my mind and I let it flood me.
"I am so happy everything went well." Mamma sighed as she sat down on the sofa. We had just returned from Raya and Raunaq's
reception with bright smiles and peaceful hearts.
"Yes." Baba sighed contentedly. "And I'm sure Raunaq will keep our Chhoti very happy." Mamma and I murmured our agreements as Baba got up and went to change.
"Geet." Mamma called me and I turned to look at her patting the seat beside hers.
I went to sit by her side and placed my head on her shoulder. "It seems so strange without Chhoti."
"I know, beti. But we are just happy that Raunaq loves her so much and will do anything for her."
That reminded me of something I had wanted to ask from her. "You surprised me, Mamma. I did not think you would approve of this relationship as easily as you did."
She chuckled slightly in response. "You'd think I am a follower of traditions and customs so I wouldn't consider where my children's happiness lay?" I shook my head quickly, surprised she would think like that, but she continued before I could utter a word. "I may not be as open-minded as today's generation but I am, after all, a part of today. My personal views can vary a lot from the general rules of society but I will never let my personal opinions come in the way of my children's happiness. All these thoughts that older siblings should get married first, or love marriages are not respectable, and so on, these are what I was raised between. But when it comes to my daughters, nothing can stand close to what it means to me to give them all happiness."
"I thought you don't approve of love and all that stuff..." I spoke in a very small voice.
"Personally, I prefer arranged marriages over love marriages. But that does not mean that if my daughters tell me they love someone, I would reject the guy outright. No. All a parent asks of his child is to keep him informed, just so that he can guide the child to the correct path with the resources he has. It doesn't mean he would pull his child away from his happiness."
Mamma's words pushed me into thoughts. I barely noticed when, after some moments of silence, she got up and left to her bedroom after telling me to sleep as well. I sat up that night, thinking how things would have been different today if I had given Maan the chance he had asked for, if I had told my parents of my own affections towards Maan, no matter how weak they were. If only I had the courage...
A special thanks to my Apa (Susegad to you all) for this poem!
*Godi means tattooed.
Dil ke taar yu'n baje baar baar,
Koi mila de mera bichhda hua yaar...
Jaane hai ye kaisi bandishein,
Jakdi hui mere dil ki rahein...
Kyun hai dil par aaj yeh ghumgeen saaye,
Aatishon ne kal tak thay jahan dere basaaye...
Waah re upar wale kya kismat hai banaayi
Godi iss dil pe kyun judaai ki siyaahi?
Kab mitengi yeh dilon ki dooriyan?
Kyun nahin samjha sakti unhe apni majbooriyan?
Nahin karna hai iss dil ko koi izhaar,
Deedar-e-yaar chaahe bas nazrein ek baar...
Zarre zarre mein hain betaabiyan chhaayi,
Dil hai dooba, har taraf hai tanhaayi...
Jo zindagi ki raho par mile hum phir ek baar,
Jud sakenge kya inn do dilon ke toote huay taar?
It was too late now, I knew. Maan had cut off his ties with me three years ago. He had not answered the countless calls I had tried and he had not replied to the numerous text messages I sent. And if I ever met him in life again, things would never be the same.
I had made a wrong decision in life and I took responsibility for it. I had lamented for a while about how much hurt I had caused Maan with my decision, but I had moved on. My single status now was not a sign that I was waiting for Maan, not anymore. I was content with my life the way it was. Of course, I avoided talking about him completely. Raya and Anaya had realised it and they never mentioned him to me. I was single because I did not feel ready to get into serious relationships, though I did meet a number of men who Raya pushed me towards.
Like I had, I believed he had moved on too. The presence of the grey-eyed girl who had been looking for her father proved that to me. The way he had protectively held her in his arms had left little room for doubt about how much the girl meant for him. I was sure she was his daughter. She was such a pretty girl, probably around four or five years of age. Maan's eyes were brown, a lovely chocolate brown, so the girl must have taken grey from her mother.
I could picture the family in my head; Maan, his daughter in his arms and a faceless, grey-eyed woman beside him. His wife. In the picture in my head, all of them were smiling and happy, which brought a slight smile on my face too, even as I ignored the slight pinch in my heart.
I leaned my head against the window pane. It was the truth now. He had moved on and I hoped he was happy in his life. There was no reason for me to stop and think of what could not happen. If I ever happened to meet Maan again, I would not bring the past between us. If he had moved on like I had hoped he would, I had to honour his decision with dignity and I would do that. I had my mind set on it.
Edited by mayyo - 11 years ago
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