Joint Family- Worth it?

Hey All

In yesterday's episode Dev's decision of not taking a huge job offer made me ponder this...

He refused the job offer because then he would be away from the family... Which made me ask.. "Is it worth that much?" Do not get me wrong here.. It was his decision and I actually do not much care about a fictional character's employment opportunities.. But it is the message that the writers are sending which makes me write this long post.

My mother comes from a family which has a long history of being joint family through generations. So naturally, my grandfather and his brothers all believed in this joint family to be really great. In fact I used to love the concept of joint family when I was kid. All the sisters of the family would come home during the summer vacations and it was a blast. I along with my cousins used to play a lot. Being a kid from a nuclear family you could see that there were many differences ..

1. Everyone ate at the same time in joint family.. not when you are hungry like in my family

2. Everyone slept and woke up at almost the same time (All kids had to sleep on the floor in the living room).. not when you feel like it

3. You were just one in many.. no special treatment.(I wonder why I liked it🤔)

4. Nothing is ONLY yours.. Everything is shared.

5. No privacy (We kids never wanted it anyways..😛)

And many more.. I loved the idea of joint family.. but growing up I understood that joint family was not always a bed of roses.. Many people had to make many kinds of sacrifices..

My two aunts came in as daughter in laws simultaneously almost within a year. They both had different temperaments and priorities. One aunt was more of a perfectionist and another was a mostly carelessness . I remember there were fighting almost everyday on simple things.. My uncle suggested he and his wife move out. But elders advised against to keep the family together. The fighting continued. But after my grandfather's demised my uncle and his family did move out.. And the peace came. My perfectionist aunt had a house which she could keep clean, tidy and proper. While my aloof aunt is enjoying her life without the taunts.. And everyone is happy.. I myself saw how happy both the aunts and actually I think they became really much more friendly after the move out because there was need to fight over petty things.

Which brings me to the point.. Is joint family worth all the trouble? By moving out my uncle's love did not diminish but the constant squabbles decreased. Before, yes, When we go overseas or in fact even to a different district you have less chance of communication. but now when the technology increase and many more. It is no longer necessary to be under the same roof to feel connected by the family. I am sure many of you, who are in hostels or PGs would understand my point. We migrated for our studies and jobs.. but our love or affection did not decrease.. in fact, I feel I started to respect my parents more when I started doing my chores myself. My parents, my brother and I Live in 3 different places.. but we always talk on phone.. chat on whats app.. and are more connected.

Why does the writers feel that moving out of the house equal breaking up the family? Especially in this day and age when it is super easy to maintain relationships with the help of technology.

Not only this show But I feel many Indian shows still focus on the ideals which used to work during our grandfathers generation. Shouldn't they show us the new age ideas and thoughts? Ideals also evolve in the society.

What do you guys think?

I agree.

Where I come from people aren't too big on joint families. It's not a big deal here tbh.

I think constantly living in a conflict zone affect us and our relationships negatively.

If removing yourself from a toxic environment gives you peace, then why not?

That is assuming there is a conflict zone to begin with.

I know there are families who would happily live together inspite of issues.

If it works for them, again why not?

I think it’s an individual choice. I know a lot of people wouldn’t even dream of living in a joint family that’s why they laugh whenever I tell them that I wanna get married into a joint family. I live in a nuclear family and it just feels lonely sometimes. Don’t have any brothers, sisters or cousins I’m close to. Hence, I think I would prefer to live in a joint family.

As for job opportunities, no I wouldn’t take up any job if I’ve to leave my family. But again, it’s my personal opinion.

I will comment on your post in detail later (I am writing an OS right now, so yeah, my attention is divided). But I do agree with the points that you made.

A joint family isn't always a happy family. Every person has their own views, likes, dislikes, opinions, not everything is going to be in sync with the other members of the family. The way joint families are portrayed in ITV is way different than reality. The writers are trying to show this "perfect family" which in reality doesn't exist.

This hum saath saath hain aurr humesha rahenge mentality is very hypocritical. They think and make others believe in the stupid notion that if you got a separate house to live in than your family, then your family is broken. And refusing a job offer just to stay with the family - that's nuts! You love your family and want to be near them, okay, I get it. But when reality strikes and financial issues arise, are you going to feed love to each other?

You could have taken the job offer and could still remain in touch with your family! Like my elder cousin, he lives with his wife and kids in Mumbai while my Bade Papa and Badi Maa live in Jalandhar. They talk every day and stay in contact by whatever means possible.

That's what a family is right? No matter how far you stay from each other but you still remain in touch, love each other and care for each other as well. Then why are these writers hell-bent on the idea that living away from your family implies that your family is broken. Which family is always happy and together like the writers are portraying them to be?

It’s ingrained into desi culture that staying as a joint family is the only way to have a united, close family. This is not just an ITV thing so the writers will always feel compelled to show the concept that a joint family is the best.

Personally, I don’t think most people can truly be happy in a joint family set up because it requires a lot of self sacrifice that in the long run, is not worth it. There are some families out there that make it work happily, but I don’t think that’s the case for the majority.

Also, in places like India, it may be more financially difficult to move away from the family, especially if they’re all in the same business.

As for specifically the characters - I think Dev is feeling a lot of guilt and that’s what caused him to really turndown the job offer.

Originally posted by: ananya269

I think it’s an individual choice. I know a lot of people wouldn’t even dream of living in a joint family that’s why they laugh whenever I tell them that I wanna get married into a joint family. I live in a nuclear family and it just feels lonely sometimes. Don’t have any brothers, sisters or cousins I’m close to. Hence, I think I would prefer to live in a joint family.

As for job opportunities, no I wouldn’t take up any job if I’ve to leave my family. But again, it’s my personal opinion.

I agree with your point of having different preferences. But what we are talking about the concept of family as shown in the show. The Pandya family where elders are like God who can make no mistake, the youngsters should follow without questioning anything. And that we should always live together, no matter what.

If you live in a joint family you should accept and respect each other's views and opinions. There are going to be differences and you can't always force them to live together and be biased towards some particular members of the family.

Originally posted by: bhavna101

I agree with your point of having different preferences. But what we are talking about the concept of family as shown in the show. The Pandya family where elders are like God who can make no mistake, the youngsters should follow without questioning anything. And that we should always live together, no matter what.

If you live in a joint family you should accept and respect each other's views and opinions. There are going to be differences and you can't always force them to live together and be biased towards some particular members of the family.

I absolutely agree with this.

Originally posted by: ananya269

I think it’s an individual choice. I know a lot of people wouldn’t even dream of living in a joint family that’s why they laugh whenever I tell them that I wanna get married into a joint family. I live in a nuclear family and it just feels lonely sometimes. Don’t have any brothers, sisters or cousins I’m close to. Hence, I think I would prefer to live in a joint family.

As for job opportunities, no I wouldn’t take up any job if I’ve to leave my family. But again, it’s my personal opinion.

Yes, It is everyone's personal opinion after all.. And I really do not think any one choice is correct or wrong. It depends on the person and the environment they are in. I am also from a nuclear family but I also have a younger brother so we both used to provide each other company when we were kids (Excluding the times when we both were ready to murder each other for the T.V. remote.🤡.).

But what I want to ask is.. Is it necessary to be under the same roof to be a modern day joint family?

P.S I know what you feel. I have left my family for my job but I have also decided to be near my Parents after some time of career growth. you know.. when they need me.. I want to be near them.. For now, my parents are comfortable themselves.. but in future I would want to be near them when they need me physically around.

Originally posted by: umawanderer

Yes, It is everyone's personal opinion after all.. And I really do not think any one choice is correct or wrong. It depends on the person and the environment they are in. I am also from a nuclear family but I also have a younger brother so we both used to provide each other company when we were kids (Excluding the times when we both were ready to murder each other for the T.V. remote.🤡.).

But what I want to ask is.. Is it necessary to be under the same roof to be a modern day joint family?

P.S I know what you feel. I have left my family for my job but I have also decided to be near my Parents after some time of career growth. you know.. when they need me.. I want to be near them.. For now, my parents are comfortable themselves.. but in future I would want to be near them when they need me physically around.

It’s definitely not necessary. It’s a choice.
Some people are really not cut out for joint family and some people are not cut out for nuclear family.

Originally posted by: bhavna101

I agree with your point of having different preferences. But what we are talking about the concept of family as shown in the show. The Pandya family where elders are like God who can make no mistake, the youngsters should follow without questioning anything. And that we should always live together, no matter what.

If you live in a joint family you should accept and respect each other's views and opinions. There are going to be differences and you can't always force them to live together and be biased towards some particular members of the family.

@bold To some extend.. it is almost the same feeling in all joint families.. I think.

Not just joint family, In every relationship you should accept and respect each other's views and opinions. We need to adjust and adapt in every relationship. But recently I have seen many people labeling the adjusting person a doormat or a yes person. I have already been in a fight with my roommate about this topic. She was against any sort of adjustment in any relation while I advocated for little adjustment. The discussion went no where. But recently I have seen many people who were against adjustment. In fact they hated the word adjustment. For them adjustment meant really being a doormat.. but I would say that Adjustment is just a tactic to peaceful life as long as you do not compromise your self respect.