The musings of the past always haunt
But the present can make it better
A person, a thing, or a place is what it takes
To feel the joys from the miseries are greater
But what shall one do
When your present suddenly pushes you to the past?
Broken, tormented, vexed, and damaged,
It only leaves you aghast.
Does life really come in full circle?
Has destiny kept it all planned?
Will fate bring her to what she saw as a child?
Or this was a completely different land?
Fate always unfurls in twisted ways.
We grow up with beliefs, inferring, perceiving, as we feel, experience things, form notions, and believe them to be as constant as the northern star. But can we call it life if it would go the way we expect it to go?
For Avni, she had seen, been through something that most people would dread to even think of, flinch at the feel of.
But she did, nonetheless.
She let her trauma become her armor, and though she was always breaking on the inside, she never let that chink in her armor be visible to anyone.
Neither to Neela, nor to Neil.
But today, she just wanted it all to be out.
She wanted to drop that armor, the brave face, the courage she had mustered for all these years, boiling in revenge, amid which her childhood, her teenage, her dream of a normal life was all lost.
The reason?
Well, for once when she had tried to let go of her inhibitions, her insecurities, her notion that love doesn't exist, and finally embraced this new found feeling that she only and only found with Neil Khanna, she was once again left unattended at the threshold of nothingness, despite being merrily ushered to it.
What was this curse that never let her go?
What was this jinx that always accompanied her?
What was this sheer misery that she always found herself ensnared in, that when she didn't want something, it chased her to the end of the precise and once she truly decided to take a leap of faith and embrace what was chasing her, it pushed her to the pit of darkness yet again?
She wiped her tears as she finally lifted her gaze to look at her reflection in the mirror.
She had changed her clothes already.
She was no more in the beautiful white wedding gown that she was happily decked in close to two hours ago.
Her pretty curls were now left open albeit in a messy state, while her face showed no emotions, except for her red eyes, that showed how many tears she had shed in the past two hours.
The glimpses of him rushing out of the wedding venue after that phone call, with only Juhi's name on his lips still flashed in some part of her head, while that was followed by her standing alone, broken, helpless in the same spot.
Yes, the guests started talking.
Yes, the family was embarrassed.
Yes, everything was seemingly a blur.
But Avni knew only one thing.
'Neil is still not over his past.''
As if on a cue, she mumbled the same to herself at present and shifted her gaze to her bed.
She was at Neela's house, having walked out from her wedding venue once she had joined her hands and apologized to the guests for whatever happened there.
She remembered the family members calling her name from behind, but she was simply too tired to answer.
Yes, she was tired.
She was exhausted.
She was still reeling in the shocks, the jolts of the past, which still seemed to be as fresh as a June Rose to her, albeit too toxic.
She laughed at herself sadly, for even considering a possibility that she was destined to have a happy life with Neil.
'How could you be so stupid Avni? Such a life is not meant for you!''
She chided herself.
'Your mom left you, your dad left you, your brother backstabbed you, your grand mom tried to kill you, and here you were thinking Neil was a constant in your life?''
She sulked as she recollected it all.
'And how could you even think that Neil could be over Juhi, even after he confessed he has a daughter with her!''
She said with a tinge of melancholy etched to her voice and right at that moment the whole scene from a day ago flashed before her eyes, where she had been elated after hearing from Shweta everything about Neil, which included the fact that the guy had been in love with her technically from all along, and had even intended to propose her with a ring.
She was shocked, but pleasantly so, and she had decided, for the first time in her life, that maybe, maybe she did have someone to call her own, in its truest sense, after Neela Maa.
Someone with whom she wanted to spend her life, share her everything, someone in whom she could confide.
'Mera Neil''
.
As she recalled that small moment of happiness from yesterday, only a sad chuckle escaped her lips, making her instantly looked at the ring, now sitting on her ring finger.
A lone tear trickled down her cheek as she recalled how she had sat on one knee, in that same place where she had met Neil for the first time, and proposed to him, asking him if he would accept her with all her flaws, all her traits, and he had been on cloud nine hearing her say all those things to hi, which he had wanted to hear from her for so long.
But what had followed after that had not only pushed her off the edge, but made her delve into a dark alley full of too many question marks, when he had revealed that he had a daughter with Juhi.
She should have known that everything that she had been momentarily been happy about was going to change forever with that revelation, but Neil had intervened yet again and assured her that his past would never affect them as his present was only and only Avni and he wanted nothing else from his life.
'Phir aaj kya ho gaya, Neil?''
(Then what happened today Neil?)
She asked herself, remembering yet again the scene of Neil leaving her at the altar, all alone, as soon as the news of Juhi meeting with an accident reached his ears.
If Avni was indeed his present, then why was he still dwelling in the past?
If Avni was who he loved, then why did even a little thin about Juhi always push him so bad?
If Avni was all that he wanted from his life, then why did he leave her behind whenever Juhi came into the picture?
The sequential set of lines flashed in her mind, before she looked at her ring once again and uttered in a voice, barely audible,
'Do you really love me, Neil?''
.
With that, she finally wiped her cheeks, not letting any residue of tears sit on them, and got up from her place.
She walked towards the dressing table and stood there for a good two minutes, watching her reflection yet again.
And when finally she could feel the flaming storm inside her come to a little truce, she pulled out the ring from her finger, followed by her Mangalsutra, her reflection changing instantly in the mirror, as she saw herself sans her most worn accessories.
She didn't know what she was doing was right or wrong.
She didn't have a clue about what the future going to hold.
But for once, she was going to do what Neil had asked her to do.
'Live in the present.''
And the present to her was only what she saw, what she felt.
And that was, Neil's mind was still clouded by Juhi.
And if she wasn't in the picture, then maybe Neil, Juhi, and their daughter could live a happy life, without any hindrances.
'What about you Avni?''
Her conscience asked vaguely.
To that she only smiled as she uttered softly,
'I am used to people walking out on me.''
And with that, she walked towards her closet, and started packing her stuff. This time, those were the old clothes she used to wear and not her usual sarees.
What she didn't know was, this decision of hers, was going to wreak havoc in Neil's life, something even he couldn't have foreseen.
**
Love Friendship Dating and Relationships
Bindi
