I wanted the sun and all you gave me was a match to light up by myself. I wanted the entire choir and all I got was a soft single melody. I wanted the sky, you gave me a piece of meteorite. I wanted to be lost in the ocean and drown my misery, you gave me a drop of water which barely quenched my thirst. I wanted so much from you. I knew that you were capable of far greater things. But then I realized that it will never happen.
That's it. I am done. This is the last time I'm writing about you. I am done. I'm going to move on. Done trying to go back, attempting to define you. To define with what we had. I'm done, with whatever I thought we had. I'm done with this pain in my chest and in the edges of my soul. I'm done, done letting our story define me forever.
There is a proverb, 'behind a every successful man, there is a woman'. But it was other way round for us. According to Madhu, I was her pill of strength. May be that was correct as I played the roles of both mother and father for my kids most of the time. Madhu hardly stayed at home.
I always dreamed of a perfect family life with Madhu. But unfortunately it never reached up to my expectations. I neither forced nor wanted Madhu to be a typical housewife but like every husband, I always wanted my wife around me. I thought she would get more closer to me after giving birth to my kids, but what happened was its opposite. She was more concerned about her career than her family. I might sound unfair blaming my wife for everything, but as a human being, it always affected my feelings. I felt our relationship was not the same as it used to be when we were madly in love with each other.
None understood my inner turmoil. How I'd wish for a beautiful life with my wife and kids. Those beautiful families of my colleagues made me jealous every time. I stayed by my kids most of the time, even though I was busy as an Aeronautical Engineer. My parents gave me a huge support in playing the role of caretakers of Ryan & Sasha. But all what kids need is their parents' love & care. The bond between my kids and their mother was not a strong one. I'm sure my kids would have felt that their mother is a stranger who appears at home once a month, or even less than it.
As far as I remember Madhu has never visited my kids' school after their first day of school. Not for a single parents' meeting. But my kids were always proud of their mother, even their school. Because they had the kids of the youngest female Astronaut working for NASA, studying at their school. Madhu was popular all over the country, and may be globally as a dutiful & a highly committed female Astronaut. Everyone praised for her achievements, but neither of them knew how 'dedicated' she was for her own family.
I wished that certain things would have never happened. Like our love story. I wish that it didn't exist. I wish that I never knew Madhu or be a part of her life. But it was too late. I would have easily moved on if we hadn't brought up two kids to this world. I just cannot be irresponsible as a father. I wish Madhu had never knew me. Once she told me that if she hadn't meet me, she would have remain unmarried for her lifetime. I always felt proud of myself when she says that I'm the best life partner that she could ever ask for. Things have change. I don't feel like she is no longer mine. She is a public property.
The things turned out to be negative all the time. I wish she'd knew how I was craving for her love. How I'd wanted her by my side. How I'd wanted to feel her warmth like in the past. Finally, after longing for many months, we spent an amorous night becoming a one soul, that too after a confrontation. I almost made Madhu guilty of her actions. I wasn't sure if Madhu really loved me like before, or it was just to satisfy my desires.
Madhu was about to go for another training session when she found out that she was 4 weeks pregnant with my child. I couldn't simply express my feelings when she broke me the news. I was elated & my happiness knew no bounds. Unfortunately Madhu didn't seem to be happy. It was totally an unplanned pregnancy that too after a long period of 8 years after the birth of our youngest, Sasha.
I found extreme happiness in this expected joy. But Madhu, I knew she pretended to be happy in front of me & my family. I knew how'd she wished this never happened. It was undoubtedly going to affect her career. I remember how our arguments didn't come to an end, even after this. All I wanted was Madhu to give birth to my 3rd child and be with me & our kids. I wanted to strengthen our bond which was on a critical phase.
''RK! you don't have an idea how much the upcoming mission is important for me. I've been waiting for it for my entire life time!'
'Shut up Madhu!' 'How can you be so narrow minded?' 'What is your life?' 'Is it all about NASA & your missions?' 'What about me & kids?'
'RK you will never understand.'
'I understand! I do clearly understand Madhu!' 'This family is a burden for you. Me, our kids are a burden for you!' 'Yes! you don't need us anymore.'
'When did I tell that RK?' 'I want you all & it is much as important as my career!' 'I'm not some kind of a robot that lacks sympathy.' 'But I have dedicated my entire life for my ultimate dream, RK!'
'Dreams! my foot!' 'You don't have a life apart NASA!'
Heated arguments happened everyday between us. They still echo in my mind. I've been tired of my life. Am I supposed to be suffer? Don't I deserve a beautiful family life?
Destiny has been cruel for me for the past few years & I couldn't find anything else to be happy other than my kids. My unborn baby was snatched away from me even before I weaved dreams with him. My happiness lasted barely 2 months. Madhu had a miscarriage, which made us apart. The only fact which kept Madhu & me close for a while was our baby.
According to the medical reports, Madhu's mental imbalance & hormonal abnormalities have caused it. How irresponsible she was. She didn't behave as she is pregnant. She continue her work. She even kept this news under wraps from NASA because she feared that they would eliminate her from the project. It was another space mission which is scheduled to carried out in another 11 months. They'd been training for years & it delayed 3 times before due to several reasons.
I knew that our unborn child was a burden for her. She didn't even care about her health. Some of her actions made me utterly disgusted. She wanted to spend more time at NASA than home. I remember how she tore off the letter I was about to sent to the officials of her space project regarding her pregnancy & asking for maternity leave. She had warned me to stay away from her business. That made me doubtful that if she really wanted a miscarriage to happen. I didn't have any clue to prove her right. Everything was negative. I came to a conclusion that she might have deliberately done all these things for the sake of her career.
I could no more hold up the heartache I was going through. I've been suffered & I have kept my feelings within me. There is a point where you just can't stay strong. Everything was poured from my heart a night back. I may have acted violently, but it is not my fault.
Days passed. Nothing much happened for a while. I can only say that we have already drifted apart & will never be able to mend our relationship. Everything seems to be strange. Everything was formal. Neither Madhu, nor me wanted to repair our broken relationship how it used to be a decade back. I knew that my efforts would be in vain & I would fail miserably once again.
Madhu went back to work after another 3 months. She was fully recovered. May be her career was enough to make her happy. I had to admit that our lives would be never be the same. I had to admit that she won't come back to me, as my old Madhu. She has changed a lot for the past decade.
Finally the day dawned that Madhu was ready to go off for a space mission. They are scheduled to set off their journey to space in another 2 days. She had to go to the Johnson Space Center in Houston 2 days prior to their departure. Usually the Astronauts get a time to interact with their families before their flights. Just a day before her flight I went to Houston with my two kids to meet her.
After a medical check up & a security check up for about 2 hours we could go inside. Though I was already a member there as an Aeronautical Engineer, I still had to go through their strict rules. NASA was a place where you cannot behave as you want, you are bound by their strict rules & regulations. We didn't talk much at the meeting. She seemed to be happy spending time with the kids. I wish she could have done the same at home.
The departure was painful. Both of my kids cried. They've already been missing their mom for such a long time & going to miss her more for another couple of weeks. No matter how much I'm trying to be ruthless, I still loved & cared for Madhu. This wasn't the first time, but I felt something different. A feeling that cannot be described, a fierce one. Specially when Madhu waved at us for the last time.
The space mission STS137 was about to take off. It was 4 days before my birthday. Their space mission was to do a research on 'Astroculture' . To observe the weightlessness of different kinds of creatures, plants & their existence on space. They were scheduled to travel in Space shuttle Columbia II which was newly assembled after the Columbia Space Shuttle disaster in 2003. Madhu & her team were assigned to complete the project which was left incomplete with the unexpected Space shuttle crash happened back in 2003.
The whole world was watching their departure from the Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center- The National Aeronautics & Space Administration's Center for human spaceflight activities. A live coverage was given all over the world. After a count down the Columbia II Space Shuttle took off with the blessings of the spectators gathered there, including the family members of the all seven astronauts who set off for a new mission. I captured the ascent of the Space Shuttle which I never thought that it will remain as a memory.
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