Chapter 18 : Ishq Tera Dard Mera
" humare beech aisa kuch nahin hai." The words kept on echoing in my ears, despite the sound of heavy waves, I could hear what she'd said clearly. Even though she never expressed explicitly what she actually felt for me still it was hard to believe that she didn't love me and that there was nothing between us. When I look back, her every small little gesture in some way reflected her true feelings which now she didn't wish to acknowledge and preferred to call them her concern for me. I shook my head in disapproval, she was lying, if she didn't love me then why did she take care of my smallest of things, be it ensuring that I came back home safely, that I had a proper meal, that I didn't recourse to useless drinking, that I forget supriya and come out of past, the list was endless and as per her all these things over the period that we spent together didn't culminate in to love and we hadn't moved on together in our relationship, it was still the same, was something which I refused to believe. Clenching my jaws I thought how mercilessly she was ruining the happiness that was beckoning to enter our lives.
The cell phone rung once again, Baaji's name kept on flashing, why couldn't he leave me alone? What did he want to know? That how insensitively she had crushed my feelings? That my love meant nothing to her? All that I used to see in her eyes for myself was nothing more than plain simple concern and that my love for her was one sided? The phone rang one more time and I threw it away in anger, after breaking down into pieces it went silent just like my life. Couple of hours back I'd realized that I was in love, in fact realized that I'd always been in love with her, this feeling had not even sunk in that I lost it within moments of expressing it. Something so beautiful which was inside me for months and which grew stronger with time was snatched away so brutally from me that I was left with nothing. My heart was burning and no matter how much alcohol I was gulping down the fire just didn't extinguish in fact the flames rose even higher with every sip.
Leaning my head against the rock behind I gazed at the sky above and wondered, was she still stuck with her past? Was she still in love with someone else? NO, my heart replied, had it been so she wouldn't have said that she feared to lose me along with her mangalsutra. For me she could fight against the whole world so couldn't she fight against herself for her own love? I recalled the last time I'd come here with her, she was disturbed and distressed, wanted to have a peaceful moment here, tonight even I desired the same but was failing to find it. Taking the sand in my hand I remembered how philosophical I'd become in an attempt to free her off her past and make her move on in life. The sand slipped out of my hand and I felt that some things are easier said than followed, could I forget the moments that I'd shared with her and believe that they meant nothing to us? No , at the same time I couldn't even hold on to those moments no matter how hard I tried, they were slipping out of my grip.
Suddenly I felt someone's presence, lifting my head I found Baaji standing with his hands resting on his waist.
" kya re bhau main tujhe itni der se phone kar raha tha ..tune phone kyun nahin uthaya?" gulping another sip I ignored his question.
" tujhe kahan kahan nahin dhoonda ..phir nakku ne bataya ki tu yahan hoga." I smirked and thought, although there is nothing between us still she is aware of my whereabouts.
" bhau , tune nakku se baat ki ?" he asked, I knew it was coming," tu jaa yahan se." I replied.
" bata nah ..baat ki?" I didn't answer and lifted the bottle to take another when he snatched it from my hand and threw it aside. It broke into pieces and I stood up in rage and grabbed him by his collars," tera dimag kharab ho gaya hai?" he was surprised by my outburst, appeared a little scared for a moment then calmed down and tried to defend himself," bhau..main toh." I didn't let him finish and asked gritting my teeth," kya main toh ..main toh ..jaa yahan se aur mujhe akela chod de." He freed his collars from my grip and said firmly," bhau itni raat ho gayi hai ..aur main tujhe akela chod kar nahin jayega." He held my arm to take me back but I pushed him and began walking away, the alcohol was showing its effect and I stumbled. He didn't let me fall and put my arm around his neck to support me as I continued to protest," main chal sakta hoon ..kuch nahin hua ..tu jaa." He didn't utter a word and kept dragging me towards the car then pushed me in and drove back home as I blabbered, God knows what.
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I swayed my way to the room, she was standing near the window with her back facing me, banging the door shut I managed to startle her and she turned around. She looked at me in confusion and asked," sahab..aapne sharaab pi hai ? aur woh bhi itni?" shaking my head I thought, now do I need to seek her permission before drinking? She poured me a glass of water and extended her hand which I shoved aside, then began walking towards the door after saying," main khana laati hai." I wasn't hungry anymore, her words had filled my stomach hence replied," nahin khaana mujhe." Being headstrong like me she continued to move ahead and said," thoda sa kha lena." It infuriated me to see how normally she was behaving as if in the afternoon nothing happened. I held her wrist and pulled her back to stop her, I knew my hold was hurting her but the pain that she was inflicting on me was far more. Her face creased in pain still she remained quiet," bahut dard ho raha hai? Par us dard ka kya jo tune mujhe diya hai?" I asked after leaving her wrist. Her eyes scattered the floor but not a word escaped her lips, I began moving forward in her direction and in response she started stepping back till her back hit the wall behind. Standing in front of her I lifted her chain with my finger and asked," jab humare beech mein kuch nahin hai ..toh kyun iske liye tune apni jaan daav par laga di?" she raised her eyes for a second then dropped them," kya farak padta hai tujhe ki main jeeoon ya maroon?" she raised her hand instantly to stop me from speaking further and replied with teary eyes," sahab ..aise mat bolo." I could clearly see love in her eyes but it hurt me that she was attempting to hide her feelings not only from me but herself too.
" aaj bhi kyun mere dil ka dard teri aankhon mein jhalak raha hai?" she could never see me hurt and today when I was going through hell because of her she was silently shedding tears. One more tear dropped from her eye and landed on her cheek, I held it on my finger and before tossing it back asked her bitterly," pyar nahin hai humare beech? Toh phir yeh kya kar raha hai?" she turned her head to the other side and shut her eyes tightly, to hold back the remaining tears. Supriya's deceit had broken me but her silence was killing me. Grabbing her by her shoulders I pulled her close and questioned her through gritted teeth," kyun jab main tere kareeb aata hoon toh teri dil ki dhadkane bad jaati hain?" she lifted her eyes in surprise, she could fool herself but not me, I very well knew what impact my presence had on her. Clenching my jaws I continued without tearing my eyes off her," aur jab door jaata hoon toh kyun teri nazrein mujhe dhoondti hai?" Her lips trembled making me think that maybe this time she will speak up but she didn't and I pushed her back in frustration her silence was getting on to my nerves making my head boil in anger, I took the jug of water and stepped out in the balcony to cool down my hot head.
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After adjusting the pleats of the sari, I opened my hair and dropped them on my left shoulder then hung his blue jacket that had been with me for months, loosely around my shoulders. Hands filled with extra glass bangles made more sound as I stood near the balcony. He turned around and glanced at me in confusion, his eyes lowered then moved up slowly watching me carefully. I didn't wish to see myself in the mirror, I wanted to know how I looked in the sari that he'd brought for me through his eyes. Crossing his arms before his chest he edged close to me, water was dripping from his wet face when he asked dryly," yeh kya hai?"
" sach"
" kaisa sach?" he asked clenching his jaws firmly.
" humare beech ka sach." Water dropped from his wet face as he tilted his head slightly, expecting me to continue further, which I did before heaving a sigh of relief to see him in his senses, coz it would be impossible for me to repeat myself in case he missed out on hearing what I'd to say tonight.
" maine jhooth kaha tha ki humare beech mein kuch nahin hai..jo hai woh bahut hi khubsurat hai..aur jise main kabhi khona nahin chahoongi." Our relationship is unique, it has its own beauty and its too precious for me to lose, probably today the fear of losing it after witnessing his outburst gave me the courage to speak the unspoken. His expressions were still serious or should I say livid.
" main bhi aapse bahut pyar karti hai." I said after licking my dry lips and gazed at him to read his face. He didn't react as if he knew all this.
"aur aaj se nahin ..tabse jab hum pehli baar mile the." He drew his eyebrows together in confusion, I gulped the lump in my throat and asked him," sahab aapko yeh coat yaad hai? Aapne mujhe us sham diya tha." His gaze shifted to the jacket which was on my shoulders but still he couldn't recall when he'd given it to me.
" us sham aapne ek keechad mein lipti hui ladki ko do badmashon se bachaya tha..yaad hai." He narrowed his eyes as he tried to remember that incident then shook his head lightly.
" woh ladki main hi thi ..jise aapne apna coat diya tha." His eyes grew wide in surprise on knowing that I was the same girl who he'd saved that evening from those bikers. I smiled slightly, the images of that evening were still fresh in my mind," us ek pal mein mujhe aapse.." I paused before attempting to complete my sentence," aapse.." lowering my head I said softly," pyar ho gaya." Then lifted my eye lids to look at him, his facial expressions were no more stiff and his crossed arms came down on their own.
" main bachpan se sochti thi ki meri zindagi mein bhi koi aayega ..jo meri duniya badal dega." Someday someone would come and sweep me off my feet and he'd done just that.
" aur aapne wohi kiya..main itni khush thi ki baarish mein jhoomne lagi ..gaane lagi." His eyes began turning soft as slowly things started falling into place but still he was quiet. How strange sometime back he was talking and I was silent and now it was exactly the opposite. Nevertheless I continued, " phir jo hua woh toh maine socha bhi nahin tha..humari shaadi itne ajeeb halaaton mein hui." Within weeks things had changed dramatically here and when I came back from hostel I was shocked to see the turn of events.
" itne waqt tak apki tarah main bhi yahi manti rahi ki tayi hi apka pehla pyaar hain." It wasn't easy for me to accept the fact that he loved my sister and not me, still I cajoled myself by believing that my happiness lied in his. Seeing me sad he slowly started walking in my direction and stopped before me. Raising my head up I met his eyes and said," par aaj jab maine apko tayi se baat karte hue suna aur apne khudh bhi kaha ki aap sirf mujhse pyar katre hain ..toh." I couldn't complete myself as tears rolled down and I shut my eyes tightly. Suddenly I felt his hands on my cheeks, he was wiping off my tears with his thumb when I opened my eyes and then he shook his head indicating not to cry. Holding his hand I tried to push back my tears and gazed at his warm loved filled eyes before saying," sahab ..maine bhi agar kisi se pyar kiya hai toh woh aap hain ..sirf aap." He pulled me in his embrace with a jerk as a result the jacket fell off my shoulders and he wrapped his arms around my waist while I leaned on his chest listening to his heart beat, in his arms I felt calm, serene, protected and safe before being destroyed by the storm that was just round the corner. Bracing myself for that dreadful moment I cherished this one till it last.
It wasn't long when he moved back and asked me in surprise," nakku yeh teri peeth (back) par nishan kaise?" his eyes shifted from my reflection in the mirror which was behind me exposing my bare back. I took a deep breath as he watched me carefully, his eyes stopped on my arms and he held them on spotting similar marks there as well, this was the first time that he was seeing me like this, my back and my arms always remained covered with the style of suits that I wore.
" nakku ..yeh sab."
" yeh ..mera attet (past) hai ..jo maine aapse chupaya ." Time had come that he knew about my past fully, it was test of my fear and his so claimed 'love'. Gathering the much needed confidence I began telling him about my best friend in college, Suresh, with whom I used to share all my joys and sorrows. When love had knocked at my door he was the only who knew about it, I'd told him as soon as I went back to hostel, how could have I hid the happiest moment of my life from him and to celebrate it we'd went to the nearby tomb, a place where I'd always wanted to visit.
Sahab was listening to me intently, I turned my back to him to narrate what followed next.
Flashback
It was raining slightly and my sky blue sari got wet as we entered the tomb. It was for the first time that I was wearing a sari, a lot many other things were also happening for the first time like I was in love and we'd sneaked out of the college fest to explore this beautiful tomb which was a symbol of love, as per what I'd heard it was believed that when the ruler of this place decided to get this tomb built, one of the laborers fell for the rulers daughter. They would secretly meet in this tomb but sadly their love story had a tragic end, the ruler got the young laborer killed and buried in this place itself. The story always touched me and I desperately wished to explore this place but only when I was in love.
So here I was moving around the place in excitement even though it was dark and isolated with nobody there still the tomb looked beautiful. I stopped at a window which showed the breathtaking view of a lush green garden and a little ahead of it one could see the street. As it was pouring the road was quite deserted, of late rains had become a very integral part of all the important moments of my life and I wasn't complaining. Stretching my hand out I enjoyed the rain drops falling on my palm. He came and stood next to me, I turned and smiled at him.
" pyar mein dard hai..phirbhi yeh ehsaas kitna khubsurat hai na?" I said. Staring back at me he nodded his head silently.
" bhale hi aaj woh pyar karne wale zinda nahin hain..par unki kahani amar hai..main mehsoos kar sakti hoon." I always believed in fairy tales and my story wasn't less than any fairy tale. Just the thought of being in love was making my heart dance in joy. He held my outstretched hand which was getting wet and said," aaj yahan ek aur prem kahani amar hogi." Frowning at him and taking my hand back I asked him," prem kahani? Kiski?" he smiled and replied," teri aur meri." I laughed out loud, I knew he had a good sense of humor and this one was the best ever, clutching my stomach I continued to laugh and said, " acha mazak hai." All of a sudden he grabbed me by my shoulders and said angrily," mazak toh woh hai jo tu mere saath kar rahi hai..mere barso ke pyar ko tune do pal mein ek ajnabi ke liye bhula diya?" I looked back at him in astonishment, his grip was hurting me and more than that the fact that he considered our friendship as love was paining me, " tu mera sabse acha dost hai ..jisse main apne dil ki har baat karti hoon." I tried to explain him calmly but his grip tightened and he became all the more furious, his breath filled with alcohol fanned my face as he growled," dil ki baat karne ke liye main? Aur dil dene ke liye koi aur ? nahin nakku ..yeh tune theekh nahin kiya." He pushed me back, unable to maintain my balance coz I was still in a state of shock, I fell down badly. He stepped close to me and for the first time I was petrified of him, I'd never witnessed this side of him, blood was rising to his eyes and my heart pounded in fear when he said," is baat ke liye tujhe sazaa milegi ..aisi sazaa jo tu humesha yaad rakhegi." The next moment he pounced on me and pulled down my sari, I pushed him back with full force and rolled to the other side, he didn't leave the edge of the sari and before I knew it had come out fully. Covering myself with my arms, tears welled up in my eyes as I dint know how to save myself from this beast. I tried to get up quickly but he was faster than me, he clutched my leg and pulled me down. Once again he was on top of me, I pushed, kicked, hit, cried did everything but he was way too powerful. He pinned my arms to my sides and clamped down his teeth on my bare shoulder, I yelled in pain and terror while he let out a sinister, husky laugh. I struggled madly against him crying," chod de mujhe." He was like a solid wall, huge and muscular. He ripped off my blouse and crushed me further with his weight, I gasped, sobbed, twisted under him trying to escape but it was futile. The wind was knocked out of my body as his huge body came down on mine, I screamed my lungs out but the thundering of clouds outside muffled my scream and then there was silence. I stopped struggling and gazed at the ceiling above blankly, all was over.
He got off and sat next to me taking out a cigarette to smoke. I turned my back to him, unable to meet his devilish triumphant gaze.
" jo cheez meri nahin ho sakti ..woh main kisi aur ki bhi nahin hone deta." I heard him say in pride.
"yeh sham tujhe humesha yaad rahegi." He added then came close to me once again but this time I wasn't terrified, I had nothing to lose, I had already lost everything. He pressed his cigarette against my back several times and said," aur yeh hain is khubsurat sham ki khubsurat nishaniyan." Then moved on to my arms to leave burn scars there as well. Nothing pained me anymore, nothing hurt me anymore as I lay dead and lifeless.
When he left me I didn't know, I only heard the sound of a huge crash and explosion. I stood up and looked out of the window, his rammed car against the tree was now in flames. He was finished so was I, he didn't die alone, he killed everything inside and around me before dying.
End of flashback
thanks for reading
lots of love
Rose
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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