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Chapter 7
She was talking, she was opening up. I felt bad that I have never let her open up to me this freely so far - she was laughing and I was guilty since I knew, this laugh wouldn't stay for long - I was going to take her to a past that I felt, held a lot of hurt for her. Invariably the topic of the past came, I spoke of my numerous adventures and relations and hook-ups, it was funny to see her scandalized, it was adorable in a way. Only when it came to Tanu, I had been curt and asked her to begin.
She spoke of her childhood, she spoke of her father abandoning her mother when they were young, of their tough days when her mother fought hard to meet the ends, her small sacrifices for Bulbul - I felt protective of her in a way I hadn't felt before, in all these five months of marriage, I taking care of her was a duty, for the first time, I felt responsible for her from within. She mentioned her adolescence, in silence I could relate to all the part time teaching jobs she did to support her mother, I had taught music too, to support daadi, only she didn't know. She spoke about a lot of things that night, she spoke of her three failed attempts at marriage, in which one got her at the mandap even. She told me how dowries demands kept jeering to her face, how Bulbul was always chosen over her, Bulbul's peril of hiding from her potential grooms to make her relations work, her mother's obsession about ensuring her daughters are happily married - it all made sense to me now - her acceptance to our wedding alliance, her reluctance on the wedding night, her acceptance of hiding my and Tanu's past from all - it all made sense - in a way she was also forced into this relation, just like me - for the first time I could relate to her - in a way I never had before. But the one subject I needed to know about, Chashmish hadn't spoken about that - not yet. I decided to bring up the topic over dinner.
"And double battery single power? He was your ex-boyfriend right?" I asked casually, keeping an eye to her reaction from the corner of my eyes while eating my food. She stopped mid-way, in fact she froze for a few seconds before regaining composure. "Some other time" she muttered. I looked up, "Oh no no no Chashmish! This one seems serious, you've got to tell me about him. I saw him at our wedding too! And on our pag-phere you think I didn't notice the silent eye-sex you were having with him from the window?" I asked goofily. She looked scandalized for a second, I almost laughed, but didn't give away. I knew she would begin. And as expected, she did begin, but what followed shook me to the core.
I was driving us back home after our dinner at the apartment - none of us spoke, we were both lost in our thoughts - Chashmish was lost in the shadows of the past that she just had described to me - I was lost in the story too - Chashmish really did, and still does love double battery I realized - however hard it was for me to imagine anybody falling for that double battery - well it turns out that my own wife did! But what is even more unbelievable is, of all people double battery decided to be choosy and didn't reciprocate? Does he think he deserves better? Who better? He had got the best!! And that was luck - of course he didn't deserve Chashmish! And who did he like? Bulbul? That noisy kid? Double battery sure seems like a paedophile! And what did he do when he realized he was about to be engaged? He was too reluctant to clarify? He let Chashmish run her feelings all over before telling her he loved Bulbul, but was okay to marry her! Who does that? Didn't he consider once, how Chashmish would feel? Their wedding was called off. But Chashmish, inspite of all this, she still loves him?
On second thoughts, it took Tanu a mere two months to forget me. I still have a soft corner for her, it bothers me to see her close to other men - but she? A couple of months after whining one-day she comes to me, and wants to erase the past and just be good friends? And why? Because she needed my help in being introduced to her new muse - my banker friend from college - Nikhil Sood! I have been spending time with her, telling her how to go about behaving around Nikhil, his likes and dislikes, I have been hanging around with Nikhil for a while, and inviting her in - I have been trying to help her find Nikhil because I wanted her to be happy too- to find someone - what shook me was how easy it was for her to move on - I still had a corner of my heart aching for her, but she would effortlessly flirt with Nikhil before my very own eyes! She thinks I am a good friend now - but she still hasn't forgiven Chashmish - she hates her. Maybe that's why she doesn't want her to know that I have been helping her with Nikhil.
My thoughts returned to Pragya - she was still quietly sitting by my side in the car, eyes out of focus, lost in her thoughts and a hurtful past - I wish I had completed the conversation the way I had wished, but seeing her in tears, made something inside me curl, I couldn't continue asking her questions - so the topic of Suresh in her college never came up. For now I knew, she hopelessly still loved double battery - but she didn't know I know that the same man was at work with her - and what I wanted to know was, how was that affecting her. That was still unanswered. But none the less, I had assured her that no matter how hard life got, I would be around, I would ensure she was happy - she had smiled at me.
***
A lot of things changed after that night with Abhishek. I had found an inner peace that was somewhere missing - I had found assurance. I knew he would be there, he cared and he wouldn't abandon me - I felt a kind of kinship, and that gave me strength - it gave me strength to face Suresh every morning, and not be affected by his behaviour - not be hurt to see him only shower friendship - as days went, I almost found myself in a zone of comfortable friendship with him - it reminded me of the time we were just friends - it felt nice. Ever since that night, about two months back, Abhishek was the reason, I had finally got over Suresh now. We are friends, we tease each other to bits, I enjoy his company, but I feel nothing more for him now, that stable hand I wanted to hold, it was Abhishek who had provided me that - and I was happy, I didn't need Suresh's hand anymore - with the elimination of need, I found it easier to forgive Suresh and let go. My world now belonged to Abhishek - the only thing that hurt me now was, it took me another impending heart break path to get me out of my last one - Yes, I had fallen in love with Abhishek - his care, his childish ways, his devotion to family, and even his kind of music - But Abhishek still loved Tanu - he was my husband and he fulfilled all duties of that, but he was Tanu's lover - I had to share my most prized possession unwantingly with Tanu, and I didn't have a choice - also I knew, one fine day Abhishek would lose this battle of will, and he would go back to Tanu - my days of happiness were numbered.
But when life puts you in a mess, it always manages to keep an anecdote at a stone throwaway distance - my anecdote now was Suresh, in his friendship I found console. When I spent time writing my paper with him, discussing academics, going for seminars, my broken heart found a respite, to forget my impending separation from Abhishek - the more time flew, the more clawing the fear became, the more jittery I got whenever I saw Abhishek with Tanu. Life plays odd games with people - whenever you feel you're in control, life offers something to show you your place - when I loved Suresh and was hurting because of him, Abhishek was my saviour, that night he planted assurance in my heart and pulled me out of my darkness, he helped me get over Suresh - I fell in love with him eventually - and here when I was heading for a dead-end, Suresh was my safety net. Whoever thought my life would play out this way? In the background, Bulbul and Purab got engaged, their wedding is due in some time, Ma is happy and healthy as ever, Abhishek's daadi can't stop dreaming of seeing her great grandchildren - Abhishek balanced his life well between the duty of a husband, being the rockstar and loving Tanu. I spent my days in the Mehra mansion as their bahu, I took care of daadi, my nephew and niece, our extended families, I was Abhi's wife who stood by him at award functions and music launches, I was also his favourite designer Andy's favourite model, I stayed happy whenever I got to spend time with him, I feared it was my last - At a professional level, Suresh helped me grow and stay focused at work - whenever my personal life pulled me down, I diverted my focus to academics. I have published about three papers so far with Suresh - one was even recognized and critically acclaimed by a jury at NYU. Work helped me bounce back in life, and I used it as a defense whenever the fear of parting with Abhishek pulled me down.
I was waging through life managing my mess, when one day after work when I was coming up the staircase to our room, I saw Tanu sneaking out of it with Abhishek's help - hadn't I made myself amply clear that she wasn't allowed inside? Didn't Abhishek accept it? Then how did the wall of that foundation fall? How did he allow Tanu inside? Was she always sneaking in? I was deeply hurt at Abhishek's behaviour - a part of me wanted to confront him, and another part feared that the confrontation would mean the end. I wanted to postpone the end as far as possible and trade as many more events, and dinners, and movies and banters to store in my memories, after all these are all I would have after we were over. The incident had shaken me up so bad, that I had doubled my work and started returning home very late, I would return well past dinner time excusing myself saying I had examination and thesis critiquing duty - I would come home and grab some food alone in the kitchen and come to the room to sleep - Abhishek would either be sleeping by them or would be in the recording room. In the mornings, I would give daadi her medicines and get ready and leave even before he woke up. But I would ensure that I kept his cup of cinnamon coffee by the bedside before I left. It was my way of telling him, I still existed - either ways, whenever he was awake, I was either not around or sleeping. After a few days, he had started calling me a few times, but I would disconnect and message saying I was teaching, attending a meeting or doing something else. I thought this was the only way - I had to start distancing myself from him, since the end was near - this way I could spare my heart too and maybe it would hurt less when he finally left me?
After two nights when I came home really late, on the third day, Abhishek had sent a car in the college to pick me after work as it was so late - it was a thoughtful gesture, but it hurt me more - it hurt me to see his care because I knew it was just his sense of duty not more - I hadn't spoken to him in two days and in spite of that he sent a car - what was it other than duty? I had refused the car and requested Suresh to drop me - Suresh had agreed, but he smelt something fishy. On our way home he kept enquiring till the point wherein I had to make up a story that Abhishek and I were having a tiff about something. He seemed to buy that easily. He dropped me home, and when I was going away did something very unlike Suresh - it caught me by a pleasant surprise - He hugged me for a long time, upon releasing me, he told me, I shouldn't let small fights with Abhishek affect our relationship - that I should talk to him and sort the issue - I smiled, I wished all this was so easy - but I told him nothing - I simply left. That day Abhishek was awake - waiting for me.
Edited by Aafrah-SA - 9 years ago
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