*Season 2, Week 12* Analysis Threade - Page 3

Originally posted by: Drcs

Hey gals..a quick question...(I don't know how many are awake now😆😆😆)...The MIL and DIL relationship is the world's most critical relationship in the family system. do you think the MIL - DIL relatioship is fragile, tense and even competitive and complicated? Don't you think a woman should understand another woman better? It's not that a woman cannot understand the feelings of another woman. Because Mother-daughter relationship is epic and historic! why this nonchalance in attitude when someone else's daughter becomes your daughter in law? I have heard in the workplace also females prefer male bosses and vice-versa? Bolo...Bolo...why you you think saas yeh bhool jathi hai ki voh bhi kabhi bahoo dhi?

Sam and DQ, thanks for the new thread and congratulations for the success of your the previous thread.

With Friday's episode, the spoilers regarding Jatin and the precap, I think the CVs are moving towards the explanation of "feminism". Definition of feminism is "gender equality". But this is not just between a husband and wife, it is also something that happens/needs to happen between siblings.

Here in KRPKAB, the Bose family has such a pai, a brother and sister-- Saurabh and Sonakshi. Eventhough Sonakshi is the younger of the two she is given equal freedom and preference. When it comes to their company, in their talks they say that both Sonakshi and Saurabh are considered equal partners. But the way they have divided the responsibilities is that while Sonakshi mainly takes care of reviewing the patient charts and create diet plans, Saurabh is more focused on marketing and web and mobile applications maintenance. If we go by the 50% theory regarding feminism then it should have been that Saurabh did 50% of the tasks of reviewing patient charts and creating diet plans while Sonakshi took care of her share of marketing and web maintenance.

But is that the true meaning of feminism. My understanding of feminism is where the two people in consideration are playing to their strengths while compensating for each other's weaknesses so that thy can reach the common goal of happiness in such a way that neither one falls, fails or is left behind.

I want to give a personal example. One of my aunt and uncle had a very fulfilling husband -- wife relationship with kids and family. My uncle was a professor while my aunt was a homemaker. She was a college graduate but did not work. But my uncle used to give her money for her own use apart from all the expenses. He used to say that just like him, she would have wants too and he did not want her to feel that she needed to ask him for everything all the time. He wanted her to have that freedom of fulfilling her wants. At home he did not necessarily share every task. He never folded clothes or washed them. Neither did he cut vegetables or cook or did any of the household cleaning. But he did things in different way. He made sure there was hot water for everyone's bath(when they did not have geyser, he used to be the one who tended to the fire in the bathroom for the big pot which was used for boiling water). He used to make sure that the top water tank was full and even the secondary tank as needed. My aunt never stood in the line to pay the bills. They had a really happy life.

Coming to Sonakshi, although she followed the feminism with right understanding with Saurabh, she failed to do so with Dev. With him she expected that sharing of 50% where she told him that he should put away his own clothes while she put away hers. Even now she is following this misguided version of feminism where she came up with the idea of staying at each other's place for a week. She even refused to stay in the guest bedroom for few hours so that Dev could spend some time with Suhana. This is the reason why Dev keeps commenting sarcastically that Sonakshi has become a feminist. For him feminism meant that they would compensate for each other's weaknesses.

When Sonakshi asked him to take care of his clothes, he couldn't understand how that was supposed to make her an insider or how it would make her feel better about her position. He did not give much importance to it. But when she said why she wanted him to do that, he realized that she was referring to that "equal partnership". So when Sonakshi was very sure about Ayaan's infidelity, he did not say I will hire a PI or I will take care of it. Instead he asked her to take the lead while he gave full support. It was also to prove to Ishwari that Sonakshi was as committed as he was for their family. Even during infertility track on the face of it it seemed like he was insensitive, in reality he was very sensitive towards Sonakshi. His dismissal of her feelings after she meets Ishwari at temple is very similar to his words after he learns that Suhana left for Kolkata.

He did have long term plans where he wanted Sonakshi and Ishwari to develop a bond by themselves without him having to be in the middle. That was what he was working towards, but he couldn't keep up with all the other interference from everyone. Even Sonakshi did not really understand the happenings or what Dev was trying to do. She is still making decisions without really understanding the meaning of feminism where is failing to listen or include everyone in her decision making process. This will only lead to trouble not just for herself but everyone around her.

Everyone 👏👍🏼😊

I feel mils never forget dat dey were dil once dats d main reason dey remain skeptical about intentions of deir dil . They fear just like dey took over being lady of d house wid complete hold on deir husband , dils will do the same ..dats y at tyms dey fight tooth and nail to remain d lady of d house and keep hold on their sons . 😆

I feel expectations is one other issue . we expect our mils to be mothers we want but we dont want to be d daughters dey want ...

DQ- I loved your write-up on the MIL-DIL relationship and even some of the others that followed.

I am mostly a silent reader and really appreciate this thread which is devoid of negativity and encourages objective discussions and analysis 👏👏👏

Shaavi " Saurabh is more focused on marketing and web and mobile applications maintenance. If we go by the 50% theory regarding feminism then it should have been that Saurabh did 50% of the tasks of reviewing patient charts and creating diet plans while Sonakshi took care of her share of marketing and web maintenance.

But is that the true meaning of feminism. My understanding of feminism is where the two people in consideration are playing to their strengths while compensating for each other's weaknesses so that they can reach the common goal of happiness in such a way that neither one falls, fails or is left behind."

@jo2345 agree with you if the MIL can give the confidence to the DIL and help her to acquaint herself with the new house, things would be better and it will pave a way for a beautiful relationship..

@soumie Darling...you are too matured for your age...excellent point...I agree with you completely the competitive spirit in women sometimes turns to be negative and create adverse repercussions...yup in most of the families MIL's treat DIL's as someone who creates disequilibrium in the family system for reasons known to them...just like what ISHUMA said "ek ladki aayi or sub kuch badal gaya"

@DQ agree its insecurity and lack of financial independence create problems in the relationship ... MIL's most of the time thinks that I have sacrificed for the family and now it's the DIL's responsibility...I studied in a college run by nuns, during our final year we had a marriage orientation class, many felt it was very useful ( I bunked those sessions, so don't have any idea)...I wish there's an orientation session for MILs also...Thanks for linking Sam's post...I agree completely with Sam...Ishwari likes sona but not as her DIL...we can't blame her for that... even science has failed to find reasons for loving or hating someone...Ishwari loves Dev and gives Dev's happiness supra importance but she can't accept Sona as the reason for this happiness...its very complicated but a bitter truth and subconsciously she is unaware that she is creating unhappiness for her son in her pursuit of keeping her statuesque of God mother image...we can only pity her and cannot deny the fact that there will be lots of Ishwari's around us with differing intensities

@shreya...you nailed it...it gets difficult for the MIL to accept that a "stranger" has become so important for my son...agreed lack of articulation skills of many men adds fuel to this burning problem...in most of the cases, just like Dev, men leave the two ladies to battle and leave it at their end...which only aggravates the problem...regarding workplace, I agree with you I am more comfortable with female colleagues than male...I found the latter uncompassionate and non-cooperative rather than the former...there are exceptions though

@bhuvana agree with you...patience is the prerequisite in all relationships...but I feel sometimes men because of their low EQ muddles up things... for e.g. praising the culinary skills of the wife willn't jell with the MIL especially if she is homemaker...More than MIL-DIL relationship Son-mother relationship also changes after marriage...MILs believe their 28 yrs of conditioning is washed off in 1 year...whom to be blamed is food for introspection!!!!!

@Aarcha very smart move ahhh...it's a valuable tip for unmarried girls...but from what you described I feel your MIL is also a very sensible woman...because son not asking her can create insecurity isn't it?

@sonanaksh that's a great point...So it's like MIL knows better where all of this is going from her experience and hedge it in advance and strategize to reduce casualties...wowww...

@jShukla your MIL is the embodiment of female empowerment...I always believe that education has nothing to do with your behavior...to have a healthy relationship along with patience I feel tolerance also play a prime role...

@krpkab_superfan I agree with you from the day one there is undercurrent in the relationship between DIL and MIL...peaceful coexistence comes in the long run only...by then there are so many bitter incidents and heartburn...exogenous factors like advises and cautionary notes by relatives also strains this relationship...just like what GKB has done in SONA_ISH relation...

Great discussion ladies👏👏👏

Originally posted by: JShukla

DQ- I loved your write-up on the MIL-DIL relationship and even some of the others that followed.

But what about the openly rude behavior, hurting taunts that get thrown at the DIL. How do you explain that behavior of MIL. Shouldn't the son try to control that behavior against any person(even if we forget for a minute that the person is his wife).

I married into a rural family. My MIL had suffered hugely in the hands of her in-laws and husband. Belonging to a rural setup, they cannot really 'divorce' legally. However, she stays separate from her husband in a different house,as his next door neighbor. She still cooks for her husband and sends a dabba and makes sure the maid keeps his house clean. However they (my MIL pointedly) does not talk to anyone for the brief 1 hour spent at that house(cooking and cleaning and setting house in order). She runs her own small business of home made masalas, papad, etc. for survival.

If we continue to play the empathy card, we'll think a woman like her would be unbearably clingy. But without knowing the meaning of feminism, she is more feminist then me. Since she is so fiercely independent, she does not need our support, nor does she stay with us for long duration. Never once have i heard her bad mouth her husband or in-laws, never once was she rude to me. Considering her low education levels, I was fearing the worst and got such a surprise.

I feel it's OK for us to understand women like Ishwari, but lets call them out on their incorrect behavior pattern. Its too much to expect a new DIL to understand complicated relationship dynamics. what a DIL knows is what are the taunts and behaviour that are demeaning and she must call them out and expect people to correct them . No one gets a free pass to taunt and terrorize a new entrant! Sona didn't even once raise her voice or create a ruckus.

I could be a minority maybe, but I feel all problems can be sorted if people give due respect to people and relationships. it goes both ways. it does not require any complex relationship pattern understanding or loads of patience, empathy etc... Just say that you demand respect like any other person in the world. If still people fail to respect you why stay with such people ???