SS : Jab dil ke faisle dimaag se hote hai :: Part 6
Dev stood there in shock..As Sona was leaving, he could feel her figure blurring out because of the tears he had in his eyes...
In a matter of time, she faded away from his sight leaving him behind...He was now on the verge of a breakdown...
Ishwari who was in a state of shock could feel her fears come to reality in front of her eyes...The tears in Dev's eyes pricked her heart and she was brought back to reality...
When she was about to take a step forward , neha stopped her...
" Maa bhai ko khud sambhal ne doo apne aapko .. Aap mere saath chaliye apne kamre mein " neha said...
And even to ishwari's surprise, she did not resist neha...she did not fight to go and hug her son and kiss away all his sorrows and give him all the happiness in this whole wide world, that her little boy deserved...
After all he was still her little boy...And she could not see him in pain...She died a million times to see him in this state...But still she did not resist neha...
Why...
May be because she did not have the strength to face her own son or may be because she was scared as hell that he might blame her for making him choose between the two of them and that, that was the last thing she wanted to hear...Hear her own son blame her for his anguish, for his pain, for his misery...
She was scared, afraid, hurt, guilty but above all..., she was in denial of the fact that may be she did take the wrong decision for her son...
Neha held her hand and took her to her room as nikki and riya followed...
Before leaving they turned around to see their brother...
Their bhai who was their strength, their support , their guardian angel , their everything , standing there hurt, broken, helpless and all alone as his guardian angel walked away today...
They just prayed and hoped that their bhai gets what he deserved...
Dev's eyes were now flooded with tears...everything around him was blurry...But even in that blurriness he was hoping to see her strong figure emerge again in front of his eyes...
He was hoping to see her walk back to him again...
Hug him..Reassure him...Love him...
He stood there for 10 mins, his eyes still searching for her...
The tears never dried up...
But at that moment a thought struck him and an intense pain took over his body...
SHE WAS NEVER COMING BACK TO HIM ...
The mere thought which was enough to make him die a thousand times, now was approaching to become the reality of his life, but still he was supposed to live his life, have a future WITHOUT HER...
How can he do that...?
He started walking to his room...All he could feel was pain and hurt...
How was he supposed to go on without her...
Live without her ...
He did not even know how to smile without her and now he was supposed to he happy without her ...
And then another voice in his head said- You have to go on, for your mother, for your sisters...
He reached his room...He was pacing restlessly running his fingers through his hair, all her words were coming back to him...
He was frustrated...And then he saw HIMSELF in the giant mirrior in front of him...
There stood the DEV Dixit in front of him...His own reflection...And all of a sudden he felt digusted to watch himself ...
Because the person who stood in front of him had betrayed his love, broken his promises, left her alone in pain and hurt...
And that person was HIM...
He started to slap himself...
With each slap across his face the intensity increased...
and he shouted
" why... why... WHY...WHYYy...WHHYYY ??????? " was all he could say...
He was punishing himself for hurting her...
"WHY DID I " now his voice cracking up but that was the only question he had...
" HOW COULD I " he said now completely breaking down...
The pain the slaps caused was nothing compared to the pain he was going through...The pain his heart felt...The pain he caused her...HIS SONA...
He was angry at himself...
Furious...Guilty...
At that very moment he hated himself so much that he couldn't even look in his own eyes ...
He hated himself for making this decisiom...
For making Sona go through all this...He hated himself for having to choose between his mother and her...
He hated him for breaking his promises he made to Sona...
And that very moment, million pictures came flooding in front of his eyes...
They were of him with his mom going to school...
Of his and sona hugging after he confessed his feelings...
Of him and his mom when they first entered this house...
Of him and Sona at their first date...
Of him and his mom sailing paper boats in the rain...
Of him and sona dancing in the rain...
Of his mom and Sona smiling with pride and tears of happiness in their eyes when he received his awards...
And then it was the image of him promsing his mom to marry the girl of her choice...
And the last image of sona walking away from him...
He couldn't take it anymore...
He was done being torn between the two people he loved the most in this world...
He hated his fate for making him stand between the two of them ...
More than that he hated himself for having to make the decision ..
In the fit of rage he suddenly picked up the paper weight on the table and smashed it on the mirrior in front of him...
As the mirror came trembling down, breaking into hundreds of pieces, simultaneously did Dev Dixit...
He dropped down on his knees with a jolt, but his body did not feel anything...
He himself was broken into pieces as those pieces of the mirror on the floor in front of him...
Both the mirror and him had one thing is common...
All their life, their existance was to make their loved ones happy, but today both of them were broken , shattered, and lifeless...
...Emotionally he was done..
Mentally he was drained...
Spiritually he was dead..
And physically...
Physically he was lifeless...
On his knees he sat down and covered his face with his hands and bursted into tears...
He was crying...
No he was sobbing his life out of him...
Today he just wanted to cry...
He let a big scream out looking up and swinging backward and vented all he had got in that scream...
As if that scream was the outlet for all his misery...
But...he was cheated again...
He felt anything but at peace...
He started crying again...
For the first time in his life he was TIRED...
Tired of being the responsible one...
Tired of taking decisions...
Tired of being strong all the time and never letting his guard down...
Tired of having to choose between people...
All his life he took the responsibilty for everyone in his family and did it happily, willingly for their happiness...
Even today he was ready to do all that again...
Only it came with a price...
He was exhausted of being the grown up...
Of being the mature one...
Of being the perfect son, perfect bhai, and the perfect boyfriend...
Everything in life comes with a price..
He knew that very well today..
And this perfect Dev Dixit was not so perfect anymore...
He wanted to be imperfect...
He wanted to have flaws, lots and lots of them...
He wanted to commit mistakes irrespective of the consequences..
He wanted to feel protected...
He wanted to be taken care of..
He wanted to be loved...
All of a sudden he wanted to go back in time when was in his mother's womb...
Where he was protected, secured, loved, shielded, nourished, happy, having fun, kicking, playing, in his own world... happy when mom dad played with him, they were happy with him, when they used to talk to him when he felt scared or alone. when they used to reassure him..
That was heaven for him,it was the cocoon of happiness for him...he wanted to be in that cocoon again...he wanted to be protected by that cocoon again all away from this world of decision making and being mature...
Away from everything...
His hard childhood...
His lost childhood...
His endless struggle of years for his family...
His falling in love...
His betraying his love...
AWAY FROM EVERYTHING...
All he wanted was protection...
Protection from every little thing he feared as a child, was scared of as an adult but never said a word because he was supposed to be strong...
Protection from his journey of not feeling emotions to falling in love and experiencing every emotion only to become lifeless and emtionless again...
From Dev Dixit : The youth icon of the generation.. he came trembling down to become Dev Dixit : The helpless and the lost case..
He cried...
With streams of tears flowing from his eyes, for the first time in 29 years vulnerability, anger, frustration, anxiety, tension, helplessless, hurt everything flowed out of him...
All of the things he had pressed deep down his heart so he could be strong for his family and his loved ones ...
But today, Dev Dixit's guard was down...
He was losing himself against the promises he broke and the promises he was struggling to keep...
He was losing himself before the person he was and the person he had made himself...
He was losing himself before his love and his responsibilty...
Dev Dixit was loosing today...
Crying he laid down on the ground with his knees curled up around his stomach as if he himself again, ON HIS OWN, was trying to protect the last bits he had of himself and was saving them for his mother and his family...
He was losing today...
Sona was walking sensless on the road...
She did not feel a thing ..
No pain, no hurt, no anger, nothing...
She just kept walking...
And suddenly the voice of a glass window crashing and breaking down brought her back to reality...
The children playing cricket had hit a six out the stadium on a glass window...
She finally came to senses and looked around her only to realise that she had walked half distance on her way home...
She looked around...
People around her were happy, enjoying, playing and she was not...
She was not happy ...because he...
And suddenly all the things she said to him came back to her...
She couldn't believe what she had just done...
She processed everything and then she saw his face covered with guilt...
She bursted into tears again in the middle of the road...
" Sona , yeh kya kiya tune...
Itana kuch suna diya Dev ko...
Yeh bhi nhi socha ki unko kitani takleef ho rahi hogi...
Tune to apani puri bhadas nikal li...par kabhi socha hai ki wo kitani ghutan feel kar rahe honge...
Tune sab bol diya par wo kiske paas jaaynege ...
You were supposed to support him sona...
Understand him...Stand by him and what did you do...
Blamed him for everything that happened.." she cried
"DEV jaanti hoon mai, ki aapke liye bhi kitana mushkil hai yeh sab...
Im so sorry dev im so sorry "
She cried with her head down...
" mai itani selfish kaise ho gayi ki maine aapke baare mein socha tak nhi aur aapko blame kar diya...
Im so sorry dev " she said wiping her eyes away and she ran like a mad woman back to her love...to her life...
to HER DEV, who now was in pain because she was stupid to not see how hurt he was, how guilty he was, how drained he was...
She kept running...not thinking about anything except him...
She kept running until she reached Ishwari Niwas...
The gate was open...
She ran without giving a second look at anything...
The mali who at smiled her...
The guard who saluted her...
For her only Dev mattered at that time...
She entered the house and ran directly to his room...
As she ran...Ishwari, neha, nikki, riya saw her pass by...
For a second they couldn't believe what happened...
She reached his room..and the picture in front of her shooked her to her core...That was the last thing she ever wanted to see...It was horrifying for her..
Now she cried even more...
Dev Dixit who always held his head high, who was respected and loved by everyone ,
Dev Dixit who was confident, charming , loving, comforting...
Whose smile ruled thousands of hearts...
Whose smile made her day and to watch him smile like that she was ready to give away anything...
That dev was lying there admist the scattered pieces of mirror...
It was as if she was watching dev hurt, crying a thousand times more in number as each mirror reflected the same image of Dev...
The image of Dev hurt, in pain, helpless, crying his heart out and above all ALONE in all this...
The image which alone was enough to kill her...
Witnessing it thousand times more was suffocating...
Now she was grasping for air to breathe...
She couldn't believe her eyes..
She was the reason why dev was in this condition...
She made him go through this...
She felt like crying...
She felt helpless...
She wanted to give up...
She was again on the way of her breakdown...
But she couldn't break...
She had to be his support...
She has to be his guardian angel...
She had to console him...
Now that he had put his guard down it was time for her to put her guard up...FOR HIM...
She wiped her tears and called his name...
" DEV "
Her words hit his ears...He felt like he was dreaming..
It was a dream where Sona was still with him...It had to be a dream,
Because in reality she was not in his life anymore...
He himself, had pushed her away...
But he heard her again...
And looked up, still lying on the ground...The tears had blurred his vision...But he could still figure out it was her...
It was HER...
It was really Her...
She was standing in front of him...Panting heavily with tears in her eyes ...
Neha, ishwari, riya , nikki ran towards dev's room...
They saw Sona enter the room...
Before they could say anything...
They saw dev lying admist the broken glass pieces...
Ishwari ran towards Dev but then stopped as she saw the scene unfold in front of her...
"Sona" he said with all the strength he had...
As she walked towards him she was suddenly taken aback by a jolt...
Dev was now on his knees and he had hugged her by her waist...
And he starting crying inconsolably...
The man she loved, hugged her as if he was asking her to hold him with all his shattered pieces...
To gather him as he was falling apart...
To put him back to life piece by piece as he was losing himself...
" Im so sorry Sona, im so sorry...
Maine promise kiya tha, ki maine tumhe tumse jyada janunga...
But mai nhi jaan paaya...
Mai nhi samjah paaya tumjhe aur tumhe itana dukh diya..."
He looked at her not loosening his grip around her and said
" its killing me too...
To stay away from you...
But im helpless sona...
I promised maa...
Im so sorry Im so sorry for making u go through all this " he hugged her back and cried harder...
Sona was speechless...
She was in aww, that the man who broke down because of her still was thinking about how she felt ...
How hurt she was hurt...
She was hurt to see him hurt...
To see him go through all this because of her...
She hugged him back...Got down on her knees and sat across him...
Kissed his forehead...
And hugged him...
" i understand...
Its not your fault... im sorry too..I will support you as much as i can...Don't worry...
You are not alone...We are in this together...
Ssshhh calm down...
Ssshhh " saying so she tightened her grip around him and rubbed his back...
The three sisters looked at them and smiled at the irony of life..
They were perfect for each other...
Loved each other more than they loved themselves...
Cared for each other for more than they cared for themselves...
Felt safe and complete with each other and yet they were not supposed to be together...
In each others arms, still miles apart...
standing for each other but were supposed to be with each other...
Promised to support each other in staying apart from each other...
Loved each other unconditionally, only to ask each other to love someone else and move on in life...
That was the cruel irony of their lives...
That's it for this part guys...
Hope u like it...
I know two parts so intense back to back is too much...
But this was needed...
What dev felt was needed to be told...
Hope u like it...
Pllzzz do comment n let me know ur views...
- Shaina..
Indian Idol 15
