Katha Ankahee -- #11 daily episode DT - Page 9

Originally posted by: mango.falooda

am glad you liked ❤️; I can totally relate because I am also slow to opening up to people. another routine reason I got rejected was for being serious and reserved. a combination of personality and coming from conservative family, I need time before I am myself. but every rishta meeting felt like a job interview (which I would fail spectacularly 😂) and I would get more reserved.

in my note to amra (see above), I shared about knowing your goals and needs and how that helps with making a calculated risk assessment. I think that can help more in assessing whether someone could be a good fit or bad fit especially when the process is so tightened and we are not given enough time to assess.

even if you know instinctively that someone is not right for you, it is super important to know how to communicate that with your family and why you are making that assessment. -- that is not easy to learn because this is not language we learn generally. that is something I really struggled with and it caused lot of conflicts because it took my family a while to understand what I was seeing and what they were not.

Yup mango that is the biggest problem I too am facing.. Coz I know instinctively that my assessment is true and I mostly catch on vibes.. And I need time to vibe with people... But in these rishta meetings we don't generally get that time to gel well... And if I don't get that vibe from my future partner how to proceed further... But to convey the same thing to family is the hardest part.. They don't understand all these vibe and all shit😁they are like kya hai yeh vibe sive.. The boy is good(according to them) has a good job what else do u need... As if I am marrying his job...

I feel arrange marriage can also be good and less scary if parents give the liberty to children to choose and make decision themselves without any pressure and time constraint.. They just need to introduce us baki we can talk it out and if feel it is not right can back out without any judgement...

Originally posted by: mango.falooda

wanted to respond last night but was too tired. as someone who has been through the arranged marriage market and still ended up single, here is my advice from experience:

#1 -- there will be a time when every relative and friend will ask about when you are getting married... and then it will stop completely -- it is like they have written you off. either end of pendulum can be a surreal experience

#2 -- you cannot explain your experience, your reasons to everyone and expect them to get you. some will understand but some won't. so you have to discern who to share and who to just ignore.

we all have stories about terrible alliances as well as rishtas that didn't work out. there will be genuine reasons for why you may be single but frankly most are not going to listen or hear your view. for some, it is a choice and for others, it just worked out that way. not something they planned on.

#3 -- you have to do what is best for you. we all have limits on what we can and cannot compromise. understand where you will draw the line and stick with it.

I have been rejected for all sorts of reasons including being intelligent. apparently a female having a brain is a problem for some people 🙄 but what to say -- it is better they show their colours in the beginning itself. if someone cannot show you and your family respect in the beginning, they won't later. for me, respect is bare minimum.

anyway, my point is be clear about your basic needs -- you are entitled to have some notes on your wish list and there is nothing wrong with wanting certain things. there is no point in compromising and then hating your life afterwards. the wedding itself may be few days celebration but marriage itself is essentially your life. it is you who has to live whatever path you are on. obviously there is going to be compromise but it is important to know where.

#4 -- you have to develop a tough skin. they will come up with all sorts of explanations that may or may not be true. they will give you gyaan that make you feel more worse about yourself. basically people will act like they will know why you are single and why that needs to be fixed.

you need to focus on making sure your self-esteem does not break. for me, my faith in God helped and I strongly believe that God has a plan and purpose for everyone. so if marriage is written for me, it will happen regardless of what people say. when God deems it, always a good time even if it seems delayed under human eyes. 🤷

so I focused on my faith but I will admit that it was hard at times. it is easy to feel like a failure, like you have missed the boat when everyone around you is settling down. it is easy to feel bad about disappointing your parents expectations. basically you have to make peace with your situation and yourself and put your best foot forward. you are you whether you are single or married and there is still a purpose and rhythm to your life.

#5 -- have an explanation that is simple and effective. when people asked, I would just say "whenever God wills" or "it just didn't happen; it wasn't our time" -- depending on one's faith, they would take it however they wish. if they are religious themselves, they won't say anything but if they are not, they will give some gyaan like how you have to put yourself out there. take it in one ear and out the other.

anyways, sorry to folks for randomly inserting in personal chatter in DT but thought it will be helpful for anyone struggling with the whole relatives pressure and rishta process.

Thank u mango for sharing your personal experience 💖means a lot.. It's comforting to some level to know that I am not alone in this marriage mess still it's so unfair that girls bear the pressure more then boys....

It's really a headache and added pressure that people put us through.. Anyway we have many problems to sort out like our careers and all... Especially for girls it's a burden we carry throughout our 20s and 30s untill we are married...

But mango have to say ur rishta meetings are too interesting and some are too funny🤣please do share if u have other such funny meetings or incidents that u can share...

Originally posted by: Ritzzee23

Thank u mango for sharing your personal experience 💖means a lot.. It's comforting to some level to know that I am not alone in this marriage mess still it's so unfair that girls bear the pressure more then boys....

It's really a headache and added pressure that people put us through.. Anyway we have many problems to sort out like our careers and all... Especially for girls it's a burden we carry throughout our 20s and 30s untill we are married...

But mango have to say ur rishta meetings are too interesting and some are too funny🤣please do share if u have other such funny meetings or incidents that u can share...

kekeke... am glad I shared ❤️--- part of the reason is you do feel alone especially when others seem to manage to get through it and get settled. it makes you wonder what you are doing wrong. so it helps to know that we are not alone in feeling this process is anxious.

as for funny stories, you make me laugh. I do have a bit -- so let me do the two I had shared initially but then deleted to save length in post

one guy added himself a degree and then called it a typo. basically the computer magically gave him extra degree. 😆

one set of parents claimed their son was single when in reality they were looking for second marriage for him even though he was still married and had two children. my dad's friend who found the info couldn't believe such people existed! 🤦‍♀️

one guy claimed he was a certain height. when I met him, he was a lot shorter. so I couldn't hold back my snark and asked "well in your profile, you stated you were xx height. I thought you would be lot taller" and he then responded, "oh it is these shoes. in the other shoes, I am a lot taller" 🤣🤣 but he rejected me because his brother disliked me. so good I didn't have to do the rejection. 🤣🤣

but there were guys who were nice and rejected me rather sweetly. there was one fella who wrote a super sweet rejection email. I knew it was not going anywhere based on the email exchange (he was working overseas) but as we were about to drop it, he wrote in saying someone he had been waiting for a long time had unexpectedly returned his interest. so he apologized for wasting our time. I thought it was so sweet and romantic that I genuinely wished him well and hoped it worked out for him. 🤣

Originally posted by: Ritzzee23

Yup mango that is the biggest problem I too am facing.. Coz I know instinctively that my assessment is true and I mostly catch on vibes.. And I need time to vibe with people... But in these rishta meetings we don't generally get that time to gel well... And if I don't get that vibe from my future partner how to proceed further... But to convey the same thing to family is the hardest part.. They don't understand all these vibe and all shit😁they are like kya hai yeh vibe sive.. The boy is good(according to them) has a good job what else do u need... As if I am marrying his job...

I feel arrange marriage can also be good and less scary if parents give the liberty to children to choose and make decision themselves without any pressure and time constraint.. They just need to introduce us baki we can talk it out and if feel it is not right can back out without any judgement...

totally I understand the whole vibe thing. like you said, it would be nice if this was just the introduction process without the whole pressure. then it wouldn't be such a weird worrying experience and instead something interesting.

there was one guy who I was eye rolling internally the whole time. the way he talked, I was sure he had a girlfriend where he was living abroad. that was the vibe he gave. he kept talking in circles about how his parents were pressuring him to get married within the same caste and he was avoiding even coming to visit them. actually I did laugh at some of the things he said because I found him kind of dumb. 😂 anyway, he told me he is not ready for marriage and he will need a year to decide. I was like sure, whatever. 🤣🤣

then we get a call later that he said okay and I was like what?????? anyway I said no. few months later, he got married and my parents were like "I thought he said he wasn't ready for marriage" and I was like "thats exactly what he said" and they were wondering "then how he is getting married?" and I said, "parents pressure" and then my dad cracked me up -- "how can a boy be scared of his parents?" 🤣🤣🤣

Originally posted by: riti4u

@mango.falooda - I might be senior to you in this respect... he he no age mentioning but I understand what you have gone through and can relate. I am single... and I was happy living that life with my parents, but things changed in last two years I lost both my parents now everyone in relatives shows urgency to get me married. For once I understood the pressure my parents had felt as they wanted me to be happy and have a family of my own. I am currently living with my brother and I am still choosy when it comes to any rishta, I have not resumed the search yet but it is better to not marry than to choose a wrong partner. I have seen my friends go through a lot and this is one relation that you make as a choice while others are by blood. It is better to go in it with full conviction. You just need to have confidence in yourself, you don't need validation from anyone. When you love yourself then only you will be able to do justice in any relation for that matter. My advice for youngsters would be to go with your instincts and please choose yourself,noone else is going to live with the choice you end up with,

hehe.. we are probably the same age around. 😆 but yes, I can relate to everything you wrote. ❤️ I can understand why my parents wanted me to get settled but the whole process was so frustrating that at one point, I had to stop just for my own sanity as well as the family. so yes, we need to go in with full conviction -- then we can handle whatever storms will come our way. otherwise, we won't be able to handle it as every relationship will have some issues or the other.

Originally posted by: Nabni_blr31

@Mango dear🤗

Thank u for sharing this with us. Such an inspiring thing to read. I think most of us have gone through it or some are still going through this so called marriage process. I just don't like the entire arranged marriage process.

I am very happy being single. But sometimes i feel bad for my parents. I am quite used to with questions like WHY ARE YOU NOT YET MARRIED? R U IN A RELATIONSHIP? AFTER 30 U WILL NOT GET GOOD RISTAS AND ALL. But i feel bad when my parents have to go through all such questions.

Even my grandpaa had told me the same thing. God has created you with a purpose. Like u said God has a plan and purpose for everyone. I am still waiting for that and one day i will definitely find out the purpose of my life. Marriage is certainly not the end goal for me. It will happen if it has to happen. I can't waste my life waiting for some prince charming to come.

thanks dear ❤️; but yes, our life doesn't stop or less without purpose if prince charming isn't there. if he is, great. otherwise, we can drive the carriage ourselves.

but I don't think anyone likes the arranged marriage processs.🤣🤣 the only ones who might are the ones who get married in the first rishta itself without any problems or drama. otherwise, it is all drama EK style. 🤣🤣

Originally posted by: mango.falooda

wanted to respond last night but was too tired. as someone who has been through the arranged marriage market and still ended up single, here is my advice from experience:

#1 -- there will be a time when every relative and friend will ask about when you are getting married... and then it will stop completely -- it is like they have written you off. either end of pendulum can be a surreal experience

#2 -- you cannot explain your experience, your reasons to everyone and expect them to get you. some will understand but some won't. so you have to discern who to share and who to just ignore.

we all have stories about terrible alliances as well as rishtas that didn't work out. there will be genuine reasons for why you may be single but frankly most are not going to listen or hear your view. for some, it is a choice and for others, it just worked out that way. not something they planned on.

#3 -- you have to do what is best for you. we all have limits on what we can and cannot compromise. understand where you will draw the line and stick with it.

I have been rejected for all sorts of reasons including being intelligent. apparently a female having a brain is a problem for some people 🙄 but what to say -- it is better they show their colours in the beginning itself. if someone cannot show you and your family respect in the beginning, they won't later. for me, respect is bare minimum.

anyway, my point is be clear about your basic needs -- you are entitled to have some notes on your wish list and there is nothing wrong with wanting certain things. there is no point in compromising and then hating your life afterwards. the wedding itself may be few days celebration but marriage itself is essentially your life. it is you who has to live whatever path you are on. obviously there is going to be compromise but it is important to know where.

#4 -- you have to develop a tough skin. they will come up with all sorts of explanations that may or may not be true. they will give you gyaan that make you feel more worse about yourself. basically people will act like they will know why you are single and why that needs to be fixed.

you need to focus on making sure your self-esteem does not break. for me, my faith in God helped and I strongly believe that God has a plan and purpose for everyone. so if marriage is written for me, it will happen regardless of what people say. when God deems it, always a good time even if it seems delayed under human eyes. 🤷

so I focused on my faith but I will admit that it was hard at times. it is easy to feel like a failure, like you have missed the boat when everyone around you is settling down. it is easy to feel bad about disappointing your parents expectations. basically you have to make peace with your situation and yourself and put your best foot forward. you are you whether you are single or married and there is still a purpose and rhythm to your life.

#5 -- have an explanation that is simple and effective. when people asked, I would just say "whenever God wills" or "it just didn't happen; it wasn't our time" -- depending on one's faith, they would take it however they wish. if they are religious themselves, they won't say anything but if they are not, they will give some gyaan like how you have to put yourself out there. take it in one ear and out the other.

anyways, sorry to folks for randomly inserting in personal chatter in DT but thought it will be helpful for anyone struggling with the whole relatives pressure and rishta process.

Thank you Mango for the post.

Yes it is an excruciatingly painful process.

Initially, I felt like going to a Auction where people come, eat, drink, see you, talk to you, fill their stomach simultaneously, go home and then call to say ‘height wasn’t right’ , we aren’t looking for this type of girl etc…

Now with time I have acquired a thick skin.

@ bold

this is something I completely agree to.

But here in India, people have set an age bracket- when should one get married, when should one have a child, even how many child in many cases as well.

Marriage is between a husband and a wife which they seem to forget and start interfering and giving gyaan in every thing possible even when not asked to.

Compromise and adjust is fine but it has to be approximately same from both ends.

If one does more and the other less, the balance goes off and then becomes a messy affair.

I read somewhere that marriage is like a bicycle where two wheels should be of same size and same air filled in them for it to balance.

Respect , Trust and communication are the foundations of a relationship.

Love isn’t a constant throughout one’s life.

People do tend to fall in and out of love.

But if the above 3 are strong, one might still hope for it to survive.

PS: what’s your name?

I like your UN though 😊

Originally posted by: mango.falooda

thanks dear ❤️; but yes, our life doesn't stop or less without purpose if prince charming isn't there. if he is, great. otherwise, we can drive the carriage ourselves.

but I don't think anyone likes the arranged marriage processs.🤣🤣 the only ones who might are the ones who get married in the first rishta itself without any problems or drama. otherwise, it is all drama EK style. 🤣🤣

Originally posted by: Ssp123

Thanks Mango for sharing it !!

Even i m looking for arrange marriage (love to mujhe hua nhi kabhi ) and it is damn scary

I cant trust people easily ,it takes me 6 months at least to talk to people ,how to decide getting married in one or two months

Getting married in 1-2 months in an arranged marriage is extremely scary.

Because in arranged marriage, both of the parties come with a motive and try to impress each other with their best versions possible.

This is what parents and relatives don’t understand that it’s a long decision and needs time to decide, unless one has very good psychic abilities.

Originally posted by: mango.falooda

totally I understand the whole vibe thing. like you said, it would be nice if this was just the introduction process without the whole pressure. then it wouldn't be such a weird worrying experience and instead something interesting.

there was one guy who I was eye rolling internally the whole time. the way he talked, I was sure he had a girlfriend where he was living abroad. that was the vibe he gave. he kept talking in circles about how his parents were pressuring him to get married within the same caste and he was avoiding even coming to visit them. actually I did laugh at some of the things he said because I found him kind of dumb. 😂 anyway, he told me he is not ready for marriage and he will need a year to decide. I was like sure, whatever. 🤣🤣

then we get a call later that he said okay and I was like what?????? anyway I said no. few months later, he got married and my parents were like "I thought he said he wasn't ready for marriage" and I was like "thats exactly what he said" and they were wondering "then how he is getting married?" and I said, "parents pressure" and then my dad cracked me up -- "how can a boy be scared of his parents?" 🤣🤣🤣

These gender things are more worst.

My mom is like girls if they get married by 28, it’s fine.But if it’s beyond that it becomes a major problem.

But for guys even 32-33 is a good age.

Because by then they are well settled financially and ready to take full responsibility.