Spreading a little cheer - Part 6 pg 13 - Page 10

🤣🤣🤣Sabby dear...jokes ka bhandaar le aye tum toh!!!👏👏 Had a blast reading through all of them...the bill gates one was hilarious...so were the others but loved the Windows Hindi version the most!🤣🤣 these ones really cracked me up!

Goli Maaro = Delete
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet 🤣🤣
Tik-Tik Karo = Click
Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar😆😆

This is my last post.......won't be posting anymore jokes. Thanks for being such a hasmukh bunch. Reading all your sweet comments was a pleasure....thanks for indulging me and vice versa😛

Application Form for Politicians

Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections

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1. Name of Candidate : _______________________
2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail : _______________________
(ii) Cell Number : _______________________

3. Political Party : _______________________
(List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological (Order)

4. Sex: [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
C - Mayawati

5. Nationality: [ ]
A - Italian
B - Indian

6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above

7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue
(if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized Government Psychiatrist)

8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs

9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want)

10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ]
(Do not confuse with question 8)
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years

11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - I see a foreign hand.

12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow...
(Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)

13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
A - No
B - No
C - No
D - No

14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________]

Thumb Impression of candidate
(Not that of the person who filled the form)

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Bholas Moms Letter

Pyaaaray Lal,

I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetary. Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty.

Your Uncle Herolal fell into a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out- he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned as they couldn' get the gate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

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MANAGEMENT LESSONS

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions.

"The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet witched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a*shole will do.

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

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Why Man is a Computer!

A woman's point of view:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

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Why Woman is a Computer

A Man's point of view:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Husband 1.0

HUSBAND 1.0 There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change...

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration.

This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized.

If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly.

If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like.

If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.

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Sophisticated Meaning In Bombaiya language

1. There's a minor problem : Arre yaar, "Waanda" ho gaya
2. There's a big problem : Arre yaar, "Zol" ho gaya
3. There's a huge problem..(unsolvable) : Arre yaar, "Raada" ho gaya
4. You'll be surprised : Ekdam "Hill" jayega tu
5. I am going out of this place Chal apun "Kaltii" marta hai.
6. Don't make a fool of others Dekh , tu "Shendi" mat laga sabko
7. Just get out of here, you oversmart fool!! Chal e Shaaane, "Hawa" aane de
8. I am not a stupid out here Apun kya "ALIBAUG" se nahi aaya
9. There's some misunderstanding Arre kuch "Galat Faimili" ho gayi
10. Do u drink daily? Tu kya roz "FULL TO" hota hai?
11. See, You are afraid.. Dekh , teri to "FAT" gayi
12. Shall I just bash u? E Du kya "Kharcha Pani" ?
13. Just take him into a secret place Use jara "Khopche" me leke ja re
14. O .. What a beautiful lady !! Kya "Zakaas Item" hai yaar!!
15. What a sensuous/unexplainably sexy lady!! Kya "Raapchik Maal/Piece" hai yaar!!
16. Don't just bluff....OK? E Jyaada "RAAG" mat de..
17. Ya..she is staring at u.. buddy !!! Kya sahi "LINE" deti hai "Bhiduu"!!
18. Don't take much tension.. Jyaada "LOAD" nahi leneka kya??
19. Your clothes are very awkward!! Kya "ZAGMAG/DHINKCHAAK" pehna tune?
20. I don't care about it much..!! Abe yaar, "Hata Saawan Ki Ghata"
21. Please don't overbore me.... Jyaada "PAKAA" mat be tu
22. All this must be done without anyone's notice Sab kaam "SUUMDI" me hona chahiye...kya?

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Desi Marriage Warnings

Finally, here is some warning given out in good faith!

Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote:(
Shaadi ke baad - Agar Tum Na Hote:)

Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?

Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai

Shaadi ke pehle - Dil Toh Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Dil Toh Pagal Tha

Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye

Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge

Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi

Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap
Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap

Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic
Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage

Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran

Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke baad - Chutki Ki Amma

Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky

Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen
Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?

Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Apke Hain
Shaadi he baad - Hum Apke Hai Koun?

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How does an ABCD explain Ramayan to his son

Son : Pop... what is the Ramayan stuff that all my friends in school talk about..

Pop : So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step mom, or somethin', was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or reserve or somethin'.

Since he was going, for like, somethin' like more than 10 years or so, he decided to take his wife and his bro along. You know... so that they could all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeeeal scary shit, really man, they had monkeys and devils and shit like that.

But this dude, Ram, kicked their ass with darts, bows and arrows, so it was fine. But then some bad boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don't piss this son-of-a-gunz 'coz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him.

So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me, OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by now, their time's up in the forest and anyways, it gets kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch back home. He, his bro and the wife are back home.

People thought, well, you know, at least they deserve somethin' nice and they didn't have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn't take them out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke. And they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps too. So it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks really, they had some local band play along with the fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was the very first musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the 4th of the July stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know.

And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started. Cool!!! Diwali Rocks Maaaan! Got it...

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Sholay Powerbuilder - IT Way

Gabbar sends Kaalia and two others to Ramgad to collect the loot-maar
software he had ordered.

They reach Ramgad and start signaling: "Abe O thakur! Kahan hai wo
loot-maar software? Last date to kab ka nikal gaya".

Thakur [with anger]: "Chillao mat! jaakar Gabbar se kah do ki Thakur
Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai."

Kaalia: "Bahoot garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire kiye
hain kya?"

Thakur: "Nazar uttha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal raha
hai."

Kaalia looks up and sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one Water
tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another, using a laptop.

Kaalia Starts Laughing and says: "Ha ha... thakur ne freshers ko liya hai
ye log Programming karenge? In ko to DOS commands bh! i nahin aate."

Veeru shouts: "Chup-chaap chala ja kutte. Hum log consultants hain, Kuch
bhi kar sakte hain."

Jay hits some commands on his keyboard, then says: "jaao kaalia, Gabbar se
kahna ki uska server down ho gaya."

AT GABBAR'S DEN...

Gabbar: "Kitne virus thhye?"

Kaalia: "Do sarkaar."

Gabbar: "Wo do! Aur tum teen anitvirus . Phir bhi fix nahi kar sake? Kya
soch key aaye ho? Gabbar bahoot khush hoga? incentive dega , Salary
badayega?

Iski saza milegi... barobar milegi. (gabbar shouts ) "Sambaa laptop la
re".

"Kitne sessions hain is machine mein?"

Sambaa: "Chhey sarkaar."

Gabbar: "Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naainsaafi hai.[logout - logout - logout]. Haan ab theek hai... ab tera kya hoga Kaalia?"

Kaalia: "Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha."

Gabbar: "To ab testing kar!"

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Speech of a Desi School Master

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day. Here's his dynamite speech:

Leddies and Gentulmens,

Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and
at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.

We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college. The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished.

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Hindi Movies and Computers

Hamara Hardisk Aapke Paas Hai

Hum Aapke Memory Mein Rahate Hain

Hum Hai Programmer Oracle Ke

Programmer no 1

Java Wale Job Le Jayenge

Do(2) processor baarah(12) terminal

Mera Code Chal Gaya

Network Ke Uss Paar

Jis Desh Mein Bill(Gates) Rahata Hai

Client Ek Numbari, PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari

Login Karo Sajana

Firewall (Border)

DOWN To Hona Hi Tha

Partition (Deewar)

Kaho Na Virus Hay

Y2K - A Bug Story

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Bollywood Titanic

In the bollywood remake of titanic... The name of the movie would be "Goa to Bombay".

Madhuri has to be Rose and who else but Shahrukh as Jack. Madhuri's fiance would be Gulshan Grover who mutters "bad man" every time he sees Shahrukh.

Amitabh Bacchan would make a guest appearance as the Ship's captain and would be waltzing with Madhuri during the party. Of course, he would not die.

Shahrukh will be travelling with his sister and 5 other chamchas from college plus 50 extras who are well trained in every dance sequence in the world.

The movie would only last for 7 hours. Thanks to great piece of editing,there would be only 22 songs in the movie out of 30 in the CD.

The ship would be overflowing with extras whom you normally find in movies that have a court scene full of people or a slum full of aam-janta.

The ship will start sinking, not because of the iceberg but because of excessive on-board population.

The infamous lovemaking in the back seat of the car would be replaced with a song in the Swiss Alps.

Best friend of Shahrukh will save his sister from being raped during the chaos.The sister will instantly fall in love right after this and she will also get a song or two.

Remember Rose changing her mind about jumping into the water? In our case, Madhuri changes her mind, since...since... the ship is moving along a creek and the water stinks!

How can we forget the painting scene? Shahrukh would be painting Madhuri's portrait with Madhuri fully covered minus the locket (Censors yaar!).

This is to be followed by a dance number, with extras of course, in an art gallery.

Shahrukh would eventually find his long lost mom Aasoo Devi on the ship. Only during the climax would Aasoo Devi tell Shahrukh about how Gulshan troubled them. Shahrukh would then yell, "Kutte mein tera khoon pee jaaoonga". The ensuing fight would only last for an hour.

There would be an antakshari for the "drowners" conducted by Anu Kapoor instead of the trio playing the violin.

Most important!! The number of times the word "Bachaoooo" would be yelled would be a record in the history of cinema.

"Raaaabert...Captain se ja ke kaho ke agar apni maa or bahen ko zinda dekh na chahte ho to naav ko Hindustaan kee sarhado se hamesha hamesha ke liye bahoootdoor le le."

More jokes on Pages 1, 4, 6, 8 and 10