FF:U R My Sunshine: TOPIC CLOSED - Page 8

Chapter 22 (20/04/07)

"Yes man………like I was saying, these chat sessions that you have with your Mama, where she understands what you are saying and you seem to understand everything she is saying, why don't you take up your man's cause with her ahhhhhh. I mean it is more for you than me after all. You want your Mama don't you?" asked Jai.

Kabir blurts out "No."

"What No….." asks Jai. "You see if Mama and Man get together…….."

"No……….." insists Kabir.

"Are you my son or my enemy?"

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Bani didn't sleep much on Friday or Saturday or Sunday night. No matter how much she tried, once back in her room, thoughts of Kabir and Jai refused to stay at bay. She was back from San Diego on Monday early morning, and even though extremely tired she gave up trying to sleep when the pink flush of dawn began to lighten the sky. She made coffee, and then wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, walked out on the front stoop and sat on the step to watch the new day bloom.

Behind her, the house felt lonely. Every little sound echoed with emptiness.

Funny how quickly she'd become accustomed to having Kabir in her life. How fast she'd developed the instincts of a mother. Only when he was no longer hers to worry about did she realize how strong those instincts had grown to be.

She remembered the day he was born, the day he came home from the hospital, the day she'd held him at his mother's funeral.

There'd been no question, not one, that Bani would take Kabir to live with her. The two of them had created a family, alone in the world except for each other.

Then she had found out about Jai.

The sun suddenly broke over the trees, its rays falling across the yard, lighting on drops of dew that glistened like diamonds in the green grass. The inspiring beauty of the scene struck Bani with unexpected hope.

A new day meant a new beginning.

She needed to face facts. She didn't have to lose Kabir; in fact, she could never lose Kabir. He lived in her heart, if not in her house, but he could be in both. All she had to do to achieve that was marry Jai.

Fighting Jai for custody served no purpose when both of them should be there for Kabir. Bani had given up a lot to bring the two together. So she needed to stop thinking of Kabir with Jai as a bad thing.

But she wasn't convinced marriage to Jai was the right answer.

The Walias were a large supportive family. Kabir couldn't be in better hands. And it wasn't as if she was abandoning him. Best if she married someone she loved and who loved her, and then provided Kabir with some cousins. More family for both of them.

Bani was considering the possibility of getting a dog when a dark blue car pulled into the driveway and parked. Rather than get out, the driver laid his head back and closed his eyes.

Curious, Bani hiked the blanket up around her shoulders and went to check why Jai sat in her drive-way at six-thirty in the morning on a Monday….a school day. And to find out where Kabir was.

The second answer came before the first. Bundled up in a fleece sleeper Kabir slept peacefully in his car seat in the back, Mr. Hops tucked under his arm. In the front, Jai looked exhausted, his black lashes rested against dark circles under his eyes, his skin pale in contrast. This was definitely not what he looked like the last time she saw him……..it seemed as if he had aged over night. Though he looked relaxed, his shoulder were tense and his forehead was furrowed in a frown.

Uh oh. Something hadn't gone right last night………..but he said everything was fine when they spoke on the phone.

Bani knocked on the driver's window. Jai jumped, blinked a couple of times to get his focus, then stared at her through the glass, and finally rolled down his window.

"Hey……..you are back" he whispered softly.

"Hi. You want to come in?" asked Bani.

Jai adjusted the rearview mirror to check on Kabir in the back. "No. He's just fallen asleep. I don't want to move him and risk waking him."

"You can join me on the step. We can watch the car from there" suggested Bani. She opened his door. "I'll get you a cup of coffee."

"And some aspirin too please……." sighed Jai.

Leaving Jai on the step, Bani went inside and came back with two mugs of steaming coffee and some aspirin for Jai.

"Thanks, you're an angel" said Jai and popped two tablets into his mouth and took a swig of his coffee.

"So, you want to talk about it" asked Bani, as she ran her fingers soothingly through Jai's messed up hair, trying to get it into some order.

Silence.

"No school today?" asked Bani. She didn't want to push him too much, would rather make him open up slowly.

Jai just nodded his head.

"It's not a holiday today, so?" she questioned further.

"I took the day off" replied Jai.

That was very unlike the Jai Walia she knew. In all the time she worked with him at the school, he was never known to be absent, even on days when he looked ill and in need of rest.

Bani took the empty coffee mug from his hand and kept it aside along with hers. Then she snaked her left hand through his right one and wrapped it around his biceps. Resting her chin on his arm she asked him again.

"What's wrong Jai? You look like…"

"Like……." Jai repeated, as he turned to look at her and kissed her lightly on her nose.

"Shit…….." whispered Bani, with a grin.

Jai smiled, though with a lot of effort.

"Thank god for small mercies" remarked Bani. "Now spill the beans, will you. What's up?"

Jai sighed. "Kid doesn't sleep, Bani. He doesn't sleep, I don't sleep."

Bani rubs Jai's hand, as if to pacify him. "He was like that right after his mother died. He settled down once we got used to each other."

Hope sprang into Jai's big brown eyes. "How long did it take…….a couple of days?" he asked excitedly.

"A couple of weeks. Well, actually closer to a couple of months before he actually started sleeping through the night" replied Bani.

Jai groaned. "I can't keep driving around in the middle of the night and at the crack of dawn. I haven't clocked so many miles in the car since I bought it, as I have done in the last couple of days. You have to marry me Bani. It's the only solution."

Bani bit back a smile. Jai had been so sure of himself when he fought for sole custody; she had known he'd face some disillusionment. Only difference is, she hadn't expected him to admit it so soon. Obviously, sleep deprivation made people do strange things.

Tenderly, Bani tucked Jai's hair behind his ear, soothing him once again with a few strokes of her hand. "What happened?"

Jai lifted one shoulder then let it drop in a half-hearted shrug. "Nothing" he said and sulked like a baby.

Ah. His Nothing always meant Something.

"Did Kabir pee on your silk robe?" Bani asked, knowing how outrageous it sounded. Offering a ridiculous suggestion helped put the real problem into perspective, and made it a little easier to talk about.

"No" replied Jai and sent her a reproachful look. "He peed on my cotton robe."

"Damn…..that's unforgivable." Bani responded in mock fury. "We better tell the judge right now that you won't be treated that way by this kid. He better punish Kabir."

Bani's mention of the judge made Jai frown. Weary, he scrubbed both hands over his face. "There's no going back now. And I wouldn't if I could. But I feel helpless when he won't sleep because I can't get him to stop screaming. My neighbors have already started giving me dirty looks. Or when he refuses to eat, and the little he does eat, he throws up once he starts screaming, and then he cries himself to sleep."

Jai shot Bani a hopeful glance. "Please tell me it gets easier."

Bani wouldn't lie to Jai no matter how down he sounded. "Yes and no." She bumped his shoulder with hers. "Don't take it so hard Jai. These things take time. And I'll help in whatever way I can. I know I've been fighting you, but I've done a lot of thinking the last couple of days. I've put some things into perspective."

"And you've decided to marry me?" Jai asked as if it was the height of reasonableness, but also as if he was already resigned to the inevitability of being rejected.

Decision time. Wishing she were better prepared for this conversation, Bani patted Jai's back. Hoping through touch to reassure him of her support even as she rejected his proposal.

"No" she replied.

Jai looked at her, his eyes intent. "Why not?"

"Um, well." Unnerved by the force of his concentrated gaze, Bani stalled.

She drew in a calming breath. "Because marriage isn't something I can be practical about. I love Kabir, no doubt about that. I will always be available for him if he needs me. But I also want a family of my own some day. I want to live for myself Jai and for my dreams. My whole life I have been living for others and making sacrifices, I deserve better. I want to get married for the right reasons……….I love my husband and he loves me, and together we start a new family."

"Kabir and I can be your family" Jai persisted.

Honestly, the man had the tenacity of a bulldog.

"I am talking about love Jai, and having children of my own. I am pretty sure that's not what you have in mind" clarified Bani.

Long silence.

"Do you love me Jai? Do you think you can ever do that?" asked Bani.

Silence.

"Thought as much. So now you know why my answer is no." Why did her refusal seem to hurt Bani more than it did to Jai?

Jai averted his eyes and shrugged. "Love is over rated. It is an illusion created by fools, hopeless romantics. I can give you passion and fidelity, and promise neither you or Kabir will ever want for anything."

Bani studied Jai's profile, noted the lines of weariness around his eyes and mouth. Not for a moment did she doubt his sincerity. He was a good man trying to do what he thought was best in an unfamiliar situation.

"And if what I want is another child, who is a part of me in every sense?" she asked him sincerely.

The cool look Jai turned on her was answer enough. Jai couldn't give her everything she wanted.

"See………you have your reasons and I have mine" replied Bani.

Knowing she'd made the right decision, but feeling curiously deflated by his rejection, Bani left Jai to his brooding and went to check on Kabir in the car.

Kabir was awake, looking all around, waiting with great patience in his car seat for someone to come claim him. When he saw Bani, his little body vibrated with excitement. He moved forward as if trying to free himself of the seatbelt. He kicked his feet and held out his arms, demanding Bani pick him up.

"How's my big boy? You are a happy guy, aren't you?" said Bani, as she opened his seat belt and carried him out.

"Mammaaaaaaaa" Kabir shrieked. He wiggled and bounced and clapped in her arms, a smile lighting his whole face. He then hugged her with all his might and kissed her cheeks. Patting her cheek like he always did, Kabir said "Mama……….nice mama…….."

Once the pleasantries were over, Kabir proceeded to lecture Bani. He framed her face with his pudgy little hands and babbled non-stop at length, very expressively using his facial expressions as well as his hands to tell Bani of his displeasure. Bani knew this by Kabir's references to the "man" and the "bad man" and "gunda…….go mama" and "no man".

"No saying 'Man' say 'Daddy'" Bani interrupted trying to correct Kabir.

She then kissed Kabir, encouraging his chatter with the occasional response of, "Is that so?" or, "That's so sad" or, "You don't say?" and, "You are such a brave boy, mama is proud of you."

Jai grimaced as Bani walked by him into the house. "Do you actually understand what he is saying? And he is definitely over exaggerating."

Bani smiled and winked at Jai and invited him inside for breakfast. While she visited the kitchen with Kabir, Jai stretched out on the couch in the living room. When Bani called him for pancakes a few minutes later and got no response, she dropped some Cheerios in a bowl and kept it on Kabir's high-chair tray and went to investigate.

She found Jai, all six feet two inches of him, overlapping both ends of her couch, the cotton throw twisted around his waist. He lay on his side facing out, one broad shoulder wedged awkwardly into the corner.

He looked entirely uncomfortable. Poor Jai, these last few days had been as hard on him as on Kabir.

Wanting to make him more comfortable, Bani nudged off his shoes and tried to reposition the constricting blanket.

Jai groaned, rolling onto his back and almost over the edge of the couch. Bani jumped forward and put her knees against his side to keep him from falling. She tried to roll him back into place but couldn't budge him.

Bani shook Jai's shoulder. "Wake up. You are going to fall. Sleep properly."

One brown eye opened then the other. Then they both closed again. Jai groaned and half turned to face the back of the couch. His right arm caught Bani behind the knees and threw her off balance. She landed between him and the couch cushions.

"Good Morning, Bani" said Jai huskily. He wrapped Bani in his arms and snuggled his face against the curve of her neck. The stubble of his beard scraped softly over her skin.

"Jai" whispered Bani. The scent of him surrounded her. He surrounded her. She tried to wiggle free, but he held her too tightly. "Let me up" said Bani.

No response.

In fact Jai had fallen back to sleep. Bani pushed again, harder, and still got nowhere. Except more hot and bothered. Every time she pushed against his chest, she touched heated male muscle. Even through his shirt, Bani felt the hard, hair-roughened skin.

"Jai, you need to let go now" Bani demanded. She couldn't stay this way. Kabir was alone in the kitchen. And the longer she lay here, the more she wanted to cuddle close to Jai's warmth.

"Make love with me." Jai's sleep-husky voice sounded close to her ear.

Bani blinked once, then again, fighting off the desire rushing through her. Her bre*sts tingled and an emptiness bloomed in her lower body. For the first time in her life Bani experienced a full-body blush.

Bani felt both flattered and trapped. She wanted Jai, too, but it wouldn't be fair, or wise, to succumb to temptation after rejecting his proposal. This wasn't the question of an hour or one night; this was her life she was talking about.

When Jai's mouth began to nibble the sensitive skin behind her ear, Bani dug an elbow into the cushions and tried to rise.

Jai swore under his breath. His eyes locked on to hers, he shook his head as though to clear it. Bani's mouth dried as something altered in his gaze, flickered in the brilliant brown depths, then flamed into fire.

Thoughts dissolved and disappeared. Every cell in Bani's body acutely aware of a delicious languor robbing her of coherence, drugging her into sexual surrender.

"I have to go" she said once again.

She swayed against him, trying to free herself and the powerful muscles in his body contracted. Then Jai groaned, and he pulled her head down and kissed her, his mouth hot and seeking and completely determined.

Relief and anger fuelled hungry, unsparing desire. Bani went up like skyrockets beneath him, kissing him back with such fervor she thought she might burn to a crisp in the embers.

Jai's seeking lips traveled the length of her throat, against the frantic pulse at the base he said with raw intensity, "Tell me to stop."

Dazzled by the tumultuous sensations clamoring through her, Bani gasped, 'Stop.'

But she might as well have been begging. It didn't help when she summoned the energy to whisper, 'Please…….'

Her tone betrayed her, turning the word into a plea for more. Jai lifted his head and looked at her, his gaze, she thought victoriously, a claim and a demand and an understanding that the last thing she wanted was for him to stop.

"Please kiss you?" His voice deepened into a sensuous purr, or, "Please make love to you?"

Bani stared at Jai, her heart leaping like a hooked fish. She wanted to nod and let him know that if he didn't love her now, she'd die of frustration.

Deftly Jai opened the lapels of her shirt and kissed the delicate neck she revealed, then he bit, his teeth sharp against her skin, his tongue following the delicate line of indentations he made.

Bani shuddered, pleasure, sharp and keen as pain, tore through her. Gasping she clung to Jai and arched into the heat and power of his body.

"Please…….please let me go, Kabir is alone in the kitchen" Bani pleaded.

Jai's body went rigid; he said something beneath his breath. And while Bani's mind was telling her that Jai's behavior was outrageous, it was impossible to surrender to righteous indignation when her every cell was acutely responsive to his lean, dangerous attraction, the smooth strength and dynamic grace of his body.

Her own pulse roaring in her ears, she listened to the rapid thunder of his heart against her. His arms were so tight around her she could barely breathe, and although Bani knew Jai was angry with her, she had never felt safer.

"Bani, give us a chance" whispered Jai. His eyes, open and alert now, stayed steady on hers; he loosened his grip on her.

Stop behaving like a wimp, she commanded herself, but under his relentless, measuring gaze Bani felt stripped and exposed.

The corners of Jai's hard, beautiful mouth lifted. "We can work things out."

Bani teetered on a cliff edge of indecision. Some ancient instinct warned her that if she agreed she'd be giving away much more than she bargained for. Jai meant for them to be lovers, have more of a physical relationship, but no love. Could she do this and then walk away?

She bit her lip, wishing fervently that she'd had more experience in this man-woman thing. While a stronger, more dauntless spirit whispered that if she said no, she might regret it for the rest of her life, common sense weighed in to let Bani know she was playing with fire and chances were she would end up getting burnt.

"I can't" she replied. Bani stopped struggling and went very still. "Please let me up..........please."

For a moment Jai's arm tightened around her once again, holding her beside him. He pulled her head down and kissed her once again, an oddly gentle yet utterly purposeful kiss that catapulated Bani again into the sensual world of what Jai's lovemaking would be like, then respecting her wishes, Jai released her and helped her get up.

In a flash, Bani scurried to her feet and straightened her clothes and hair. She glanced at Jai from the corner of her eye, finding it easier to look at the dark curls in the open collar of his shirt, than the regret and anger in his eyes.

"It's best if we just forget this happened" suggested Bani.

Jai sat up, his long legs sprawled in front of him. "That should be easy," he said in a low growl, "since nothing happened."

Understanding his frustration, Bani brushed a loose curl out of her face. "Take a nap. Rest as much as you like. I'll watch Kabir" she offered.

Jai slumped back on the couch and closed his eyes. "Wake me up when you are ready to get married, Bani."

Have a lovely weekend dear friends. Some humor for you.

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