Can wives in a polygamous marriage be friends?

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chitterati

@chitterati

Voyager

Posted: 11 years ago

#121

Very interesting topic...thanks for this post. Coming to your question,

I think the answer to this lies at the heart of the question "how is it for a woman to be in a polygamous setup" the question is relevant across generations and cultures, cause marriage is relevant across generations and cultures. But is marriage always love, or is it about security, about a sense of belonging. I once saw a forgettable movie (shall we dance) with an memorable dialog that has stayed with me through the years:

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

What a beautiful way to describe the true significance of marriage, of our need for being in this sometimes exhausting bandhan. Come think of it - we share every relationship in our life, we share our parents, we share our friends, we share our kids, and all of these eventually fade or build a life of their own - parents pass away, siblings move on and kids move away. In a life where so much is shared, it is too much to ask for a that one someone who will be yours and yours alone.

For a woman this need for exclusivity is even more, cause even today no matter how successful a woman is she is measured by her ability to build a family, of making a home, how emotionally draining it would be to share that benchmark with another woman, to be constantly measured not just against society's standards, but also standards set in your home by another wife. Given this, I find it hard to imagine how women can be friends in a polygamous setup. Yes, such wives can keep up pretences, or even be cordial but friends - I don't think so.

But then again life is vast, and people are complex. Maybe it is better to share someone you love, rather than not have them in your life at all! if you find someone who needs more than you to complete him, but who can complete you - maybe, just maybe it is a blessing.

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Rashmi81

@Rashmi81

Rocker

Posted: 11 years ago

#122

Originally posted by: greeshma014
@ i think here is a confusion in the name..both jodha is different..one is Akbar's wife jodha..and other is jahangir's wife jodha..

Jehangir's wife is called Jodh bai.

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Rashmi81

@Rashmi81

Rocker

Posted: 11 years ago

#123

Originally posted by: chitterati
Very interesting topic...thanks for this post. Coming to your question,

I think the answer to this lies at the heart of the question "how is it for a woman to be in a polygamous setup" the question is relevant across generations and cultures, cause marriage is relevant across generations and cultures. But is marriage always love, or is it about security, about a sense of belonging. I once saw a forgettable movie (shall we dance) with an memorable dialog that has stayed with me through the years:

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

What a beautiful way to describe the true significance of marriage, of our need for being in this sometimes exhausting bandhan. Come think of it - we share every relationship in our life, we share our parents, we share our friends, we share our kids, and all of these eventually fade or build a life of their own - parents pass away, siblings move on and kids move away. In a life where so much is shared, it is too much to ask for a that one someone who will be yours and yours alone.

For a woman this need for exclusivity is even more, cause even today no matter how successful a woman is she is measured by her ability to build a family, of making a home, how emotionally draining it would be to share that benchmark with another woman, to be constantly measured not just against society's standards, but also standards set in your home by another wife. Given this, I find it hard to imagine how women can be friends in a polygamous setup. Yes, such wives can keep up pretences, or even be cordial but friends - I don't think so.

But then again life is vast, and people are complex. Maybe it is better to share someone you love, rather than not have them in your life at all! if you find someone who needs more than you to complete him, but who can complete you - maybe, just maybe it is a blessing.

👏👏

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greeshma014

@greeshma014

Sparkler

Posted: 11 years ago

#124

Originally posted by: Rashmi81

Jehangir's wife is called Jodh bai.

really?? but people protested saying dat jodha was not Akbar's wife,but his daughter-in-law..prem was talking about jodh bai na?? jahangir's wife...

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chitterati

@chitterati

Voyager

Posted: 11 years ago

#125

Originally posted by: adianasr
Interesting question Khushi.

Polygamy and Polyandry - I am open to both - Today neither is a legal possibility - but when they were legally accepted norms, ppl were brought up to accept the situation with equanimity - yet in either case, the parties involved did have insecurities - and that too is perfectly fine - after all we are human and not saints!!!

Infact, I will as much say that marriage is not finish line in my perspective - Most marriages all over the world do not happen for Love - though many of the much married couples would strongly refute this - and I am even open to either half in a marriage finding Love happening to them with another after marriage - what they do about it is their individual decision.

@bold: quite the contrary,I think most married couples will support this!

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Mallika-E-Bhais

@Mallika-E-Bhais

Trailblazer

+ 5

Posted: 11 years ago

#126

@Chitterati: What a lovely, balanced & open view of things! I absolutely loved it. Thank you.

Your post is absolutely correct. Most marriages are an Insurance for Life. A deep emotional , material & familial Security.

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Shraddha

@lashy

Trailblazer

+ 4

Posted: 11 years ago

#127

Originally posted by: elasingh
Very interesting post Khushi...👏...Infact one of the best post I have read ..
I dont really have seen polygamy in real life except on TV and mostly in mythological serials...JA is the first serial which made fully made an impact on me...I still cant forget that scene of earlier episode where many of his wives are waiting for him and trying to get his attention and trying to touch him...I was totally shocked...Completely shocked and that turned me off Jallu for months...

Now after months of seeing polygamous set up I look at it more kindly...I guess these women have different mind set up...They are brought up this way...Since childhood they have been lectured abt male supremacy and being just a good wife and producing children...they have accepted it as their fate ...beside what can they really do? Can they divorce their husbands and live alone...Certainly not possible in 16th century...and I dont think monetary reasons are the only reasons for women to stay in these marriages...I have seen harem and not all women lived in luxury ...I think social security and the respect which went with the married status as well as financial benefits made them stay in these marriages...

I dont think these woman were always friends or always enemies...They all needed each other for emotional and various other supports compensating for an absent husband...Obviously along with their physical needs their emotional needs were also neglected , and they either learned to live with it or tried to get support from each other...

Even then... and in many countries even now... women in polygamous set up (very very sad, but true) even those who were possibly visited by husbands only few times in their life still enjoyed more respect and greater privileges in society than a woman with NO MAN in her life...

Widows and unmarried women are still looked down upon in many parts of rural India even today - while people in these very parts wouldn't give the same treatment to a man who is cheating upon his wife or has more than a wife! 😕 Again, sad but true!

I saw a recent Afghani documentary and even after Taliban's influence is supposedly diminished there.. the life of women is horrible. Especially those of widows.

A widow is not allowed to do ANYTHING. She is considered morally reprehensible/bad luck to society for no fault of hers. When compared to this scenario, I can see why women would have accepted/lapped up the polygamy setting much more happily!

Edited by lashy - 11 years ago

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Shraddha

@lashy

Trailblazer

+ 4

Posted: 11 years ago

#128

Originally posted by: Mallika-E-Bhais
@Chitterati: What a lovely, balanced & open view of things! I absolutely loved it. Thank you.
Your post is absolutely correct. Most marriages are an Insurance for Life. A deep emotional , material & familial Security.

The biggest security - old age.. something to fall back upon when we are unable to fend for ourselves... crazy family still better than no family at all..

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Shraddha

@lashy

Trailblazer

+ 4

Posted: 11 years ago

#129

Khushi, a sweeping reply to some of the points I saw - so not necessarily directly in response to any one post! Most are of the viewpoint that NO wives in such a set up can ever be friends. I am presenting the other side of the picture here.😛

Polygamy has got nothing to do with mughal era or India... it was a worldwide phenomenon across all religions and is still practised in many parts of the world!

Today, many (if not most educated women) frown upon it is because we have the larger society to compare it to - where the norm is to NOT have more than one legally wedded partner.

Au contraire, if polygamy is what we were born into - if that was what we always saw practised around us - then, the mindset of the women born in such a society would be quite different - and no amount of discussion here would help us understand a society's practise that we have not actually grown up in.

Simple example - in the UK where I currently live, a British parent would rarely tell their daughters that they couldn't step out late at night while their sons could go out and merry as they pleased. The daughter would raise a hue and cry - rebel - possibly run away from home if this ever happened here. However, in India I would expect many if not most parents to make statements like this for the sake of their daughter's safety (even if they lived in a comparatively safe neighbourhood).

Back to polygamy - No doubt that jealousy would play a big role amongst the more power-hungry love-hungry wives in the picture - but I guess that a large section of society would still accept this norm and live by it since this would have been the most beneficial/practical/peaceful way to lead life for the women.

Look at it this way, if not in a harem - say a merchant's house or a noble's house - where there would have been far fewer servants etc. it is these wives who would have been greatest support to each other in tougher times! Times including ill-health, monthly periods, deliveries (where going to maika would not have been possible). So, the jealousy that would have been rampant in the first 5-10 years of peak attraction in a marriage could have settled down later on. These ladies would have become co-dependant on one another over time.

There will obviously be the exceptions or the Kaikeyis who would ALWAYS want prime preference (status/prominence/love/power/attention wise) but as for the vast majority, I'm guessing it would be a begrudged acceptance of the society's norms and as Vinita said friendships would bound to develop since there was no other form of entertainment/media/hobby/timepass/exposure for these women! Many would soon realize that warring against the only women they possibly could have a normal conversation with would have made life very very lonely. At least, for the sake of sanity they would have kept peaceful relationships in the household!

So, my take is many wives would have become friends out of need and out of dependence (there will always be exceptions)

^^^ I'm just presenting the other side of the picture here... 😊

Edited by lashy - 11 years ago

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Rashmi81

@Rashmi81

Rocker

Posted: 11 years ago

#130

Originally posted by: greeshma014

really?? but people protested saying dat jodha was not Akbar's wife,but his daughter-in-law..prem was talking about jodh bai na?? jahangir's wife...

The great grand son of Bahadur shah zafar who lives in Turkey has said that the name was Jodha bai and he has the picture of the couple Jajo in their marriage attire.

The royal family of Jaipur had also given support to Ashutosh for the use of this name.

Edited by Rashmi81 - 11 years ago