Can wives in a polygamous marriage be friends? - Page 10

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dreams1910 thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#91

First of all I really really appreciate you Khusi for the question you made.👏

Being in 21st century it is really hard to feel the time when polygamy existed. There may be so many different viewpoints regarding the issue but one thing I am sure about in NO CONDITION a man or woman CAN BE HAPPY with his or her spouse with multiple partners.

You asked Can wives in a polygamous marriage be friends? My answer is NO.

1. It is human nature to feel insecure when not getting desired attention from the partner. Even sibling rivalry has the same logic (only here the attention is from parents).

2. There will always be a fear to be neglected and lose power or control over the husband which is no good for her own existence.

3. In some parts of India there was a practice when a man from certain caste could marry as many as he desired and there were a lot of men too who had multiple wives and the wives stayed at their parents' home and the husband visited them when he got time. I have read that there were so many men who actually visited their wives once in a year (because of the number of wife they had). There were so many women who almost forgot their husbands' face. Just think about the situation. Still they retained their faith in marriage.

4. Here we are talking about the situation where the multiple wives stay together. For me this is worse. In the above mentioned example the wives generally did not have to face one another (exception was always there). Now when they are all in a same place obviously there is rivalry, jealousy, possessiveness due to insecurity and all. All want to grab attention and time from the husband and there no friendship can exist I believe.

5. Now the situation becomes the worst when we talk about an emperor and his unnumbered wives. From what we have read it can be said that an emperor would have the least time for his wives considering the responsibility he had. Earlier it was also natural that only a few women had their own identity and they were literally lost in the crowd (royal crowd of course!) They got married, entered into a new life. Spent a few dreamy days and then all daydreaming only. Think about a harem full of ladies ... how can we expect Rukayia to be friend with Jodha (not supporting Ruk's actions though). Honestly each single lady from the harem must have wanted to get control over others and a few won.

6. One exception. If there is a situation where the husband is absent or not paying attention to any of his wives, some of them might get closer to each other but again, sharing romantic thoughts with a woman who also nurtured the same feeling for the same person ... the least desirable I must say.

Khushi_love thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#92
1)In a polygamous marriage, the arrival of new wives adds a new dimension to the family. Prior to their entrance, the first wife had the full attention of her husband. Communication was primarily vertical and there were no competing interests. The addition of the second wife changes everything. The simpler family configuration of husband & wife now turns into a more complex family group.

2) The sum of the parts in this case do not add up to the whole, but rather transform the whole and the members alike into something different altogether. The new family member doesn't just get folded into the existing system that had been developed, but changes that system in a profound way. Further, the family group is now a special group because there are different levels of power, knowledge, maturity, and authority among the members.

3)In a polygamous marriage, the husband maintains the primary authority and serves as guide for all the wives. This leaves the wives in a sort of subgroup that has it's own characteristics, rules, and of course struggles. Not only are the wives very aware of each other and each other's position within their own little subgroup, but they are very aware of how they fit within the family as a whole. More specifically, they are quite tuned in to how the husband views each of them, the differences in the ways he responds to them, and what kinds of roles or positions of power each holds in the overall system. Said more directly, wives are acutely sensitive to any hints of favoritism, differences in the levels of husband-wife intimacy, and differences in the approaches to discipline and behavior management. Wives can become extremely competitive, particularly when there seems to be a disparity between how the husband feels about one wife as opposed to another.

4)Another contributing factor is that each of the wife is engaged in a different stage of development. They are in the process of developing different aspects of their emotional relationship with the common husband.

5)The last factor I'd like to mention is about general personality differences often described as "temperament." In terms of mismatches in co-wives' temperaments, the extroverted wife will feel inhibited by the quiet reserve of the introverted wife, and the introverted wife will feel invaded and stressed by the boisterousness of the extroverted wife, thereby setting the scene for the arise of conflicts.

6)To conclude, I'd like to say that according to me, the feelings of rivalry & jealousy amongst co-wives in a polygamous marriage are as natural as the sun. These feelings are by NO means a NEGATIVE trait.
How the wives regulate these feelings of jealousy & rivalry to transform them into "behaviour" is the key. The husband plays the key role here. It is his duty to fulfil all emotional, financial & biological needs of every single wife of his. It is important that he ensures that no single wife gets undue importance which may antagonise all the others. These rules may not apply to a monarch (as is evident from our show JA, but at an emotional level, I'd think they should)

(A child of 3 years also may experience severe sibling rivalry for his new sibling. Is he evil?...No...he is only threatened that have his beloved parents stopped loving him & shifted their attention to the new entrant? It is then the duty of the parents to ensure that the elder child, is lovingly assured over time that both are loved equally.
Points 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, are from an article based on sibling rivalry. The point that I am trying to make, is that the situation of rivalry & jealousy in a polygamous marriage amongst co wives is very similar to the sibling rivalry amongst siblings. Both are natural, & both need to be handled with the utmost care. 😊)
Khushi_love thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#93

Originally posted by: dreams1910

First of all I really really appreciate you Khusi for the question you made.👏

Being in 21st century it is really hard to feel the time when polygamy existed. There may be so many different viewpoints regarding the issue but one thing I am sure about in NO CONDITION a man or woman CAN BE HAPPY with his or her spouse with multiple partners.

You asked Can wives in a polygamous marriage be friends? My answer is NO.

1. It is human nature to feel insecure when not getting desired attention from the partner. Even sibling rivalry has the same logic (only here the attention is from parents).

2. There will always be a fear to be neglected and lose power or control over the husband which is no good for her own existence.

3. In some parts of India there was a practice when a man from certain caste could marry as many as he desired and there were a lot of men too who had multiple wives and the wives stayed at their parents' home and the husband visited them when he got time. I have read that there were so many men who actually visited their wives once in a year (because of the number of wife they had). There were so many women who almost forgot their husbands' face. Just think about the situation. Still they retained their faith in marriage.

4. Here we are talking about the situation where the multiple wives stay together. For me this is worse. In the above mentioned example the wives generally did not have to face one another (exception was always there). Now when they are all in a same place obviously there is rivalry, jealousy, possessiveness due to insecurity and all. All want to grab attention and time from the husband and there no friendship can exist I believe.

5. Now the situation becomes the worst when we talk about an emperor and his unnumbered wives. From what we have read it can be said that an emperor would have the least time for his wives considering the responsibility he had. Earlier it was also natural that only a few women had their own identity and they were literally lost in the crowd (royal crowd of course!) They got married, entered into a new life. Spent a few dreamy days and then all daydreaming only. Think about a harem full of ladies ... how can we expect Rukayia to be friend with Jodha (not supporting Ruk's actions though). Honestly each single lady from the harem must have wanted to get control over others and a few won.

6. One exception. If there is a situation where the husband is absent or not paying attention to any of his wives, some of them might get closer to each other but again, sharing romantic thoughts with a woman who also nurtured the same feeling for the same person ... the least desirable I must say.


Wow!...I agree in toto with your views. Infact, if you notice, I was typing my post when you posted yours, & our views are so similar. 😊


dreams1910 thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#94

Originally posted by: ---Khushi---


Wow!...I agree in toto with your views. Infact, if you notice, I was typing my post when you posted yours, & our views are so similar. 😊



😊 yes I did. Our posts came almost at a time. Yet to go through the entire post of yours though.
Evanesco thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#95

Originally posted by: ---Khushi---

@myviewprem: a request...Kindly avoid use of words like "black"...thanks 😊

& the discussion is not about feminism...so let's not deviate from the main topic of discussion of this thread. 😊


In myviewprem's defence, the whole idea of polygamous marriages and stuff centres around feminism - the less feminist the society the more things like polygamous marriages happen.
Mallika-E-Bhais thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#96

Originally posted by: ---Khushi---


I so totally agree with you about The Mahabharata. It is all about humans, with all possible shades of grey, which is the true colour of humans. Only Gods can be white, it's not possible for any human to be so. The net results of our positive & negative traits decide the final tone of our individual grey shade.



Very true, and I love your last line. Resonates exactly with what I've always thought. 😊
Edited by Mallika-E-Bhais - 11 years ago
Khushi_love thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#97

Originally posted by: Evanesco


In myviewprem's defence, the whole idea of polygamous marriages and stuff centres around feminism - the less feminist the society the more things like polygamous marriages happen.


Not really...feminism would not even want to discuss polygamy. This thread is entirely about the feelings of co wives in polygamy for each other. 😊

Feminism is altogether a different topic, IMHO.
Mallika-E-Bhais thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#98

Originally posted by: ---Khushi---


Not really...feminism would not even want to discuss polygamy. This thread is entirely about the feelings of co wives in polygamy for each other. 😊

Feminism is altogether a different topic, IMHO.



IT IS. 😆


Most people in India don't even know what Feminism means & what it's all about. 😆



Esp NOT on this Forum! 🤣
Khushi_love thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#99
i dont know why guys, but remembered this post out of nowhere...
Rashmi81 thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
Very good topic.Really it makes us think a lot,specially for us like who are wives in 21st century and have our husband's attention exclusive for us.If we are living in a nuclear family ,with only the husband and kids then there is no sharing of attention as opposed to joint one where there are other family members too.
But relationship with other family members is diff as compared to another wife.Here with another wife you HAVE TO share husband's time,whether you like it or not you HAVE TO look at him giving the other wife his love,you HAVE TO accept him going to her in the night,you HAVE TO accept other wive's kids as your husband's.Every time you will be facing this insecurity that what if he starts liking her more.
This all led to Kaykeyi asking Dashrath to send Ram to exile,Krishna also had to do balancing between Rukumani and Satyabhama,If the ladies belonging to our religious scriptures do this ,then what can we expect from others.
In the earlier times too ,queens used to kill each other's kids to see their own son to become heir.When real sisters also face jealousy issues and sibling rivalry what too expects from Sautens.
Imagine our husband praising our neighbor every day,we will take it sportingly for 2 to 3 days and then one day we will put him in his place.Here it's not Padosan but the other wife of our husband ,who too also have rights on him like us.
Then Indian ladies are more emotionally attached to their husbands and for most of them he is life especially if we take earlier days,So sharing him is very difficult.
Why only RuKu ,I felt very bad for Jagat gosain when Salim went after Noorjahan.I am talking about this serial Noorjahan which I saw few days back on YouTube,Here Jalal tries to balance between his wives but Salim totally neglected other wives,Jagat was very lonely and in serial it is shown where she says my baby will take revenge of my condition.Poor girl she was,her husband went to other woman and her kid was snatched from her.Her condition was worst than Ruku.Jagat being the right choice for empress after death of Manbai ,as now Khurram was the heir ,did she get her due?
Edited by Rashmi81 - 11 years ago

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