Our parents - Page 2

Thanks for sharing your experience with us, JP! 😊

I think that this problem is a recurring one that many new couples have to face, and everyone handles it in a different way. It will be interesting to see how A-J will deal with the current situation..

JP, thanks for sharing your experience with us. You are right this area is sticky..it's hard to figure out where to draw line and when. And Ideas, you just hit the correct nail, JP is indeed smart enough to figure that out early that it is couple's decision. Because sometimes it takes years for person to realize this. Specially, someone like me who had arrange marriage where I didn't loved my husband when we got married. It was year after that I started falling in love with him. And during marriage celebration there are so many incidents that are very sensitive. Guy's parents wants something and girls parents wants some other way and there are some bitter experience for which groom/bride are the one to hurt the most. I think once you start taking your husband's family as your "own" family then you know importance of both the parents and vice a versa with husband who needs to feel her's family as his own. In my married life, we had same situation where I didn't like my in-laws interference in some extend, but my husband as always been the most rational (well my father-in-law is the most rational person I've met) person I have known. He always took my side when he thought was fair and he always took my mominlaw's side when she was correct. He never was on either one side and I adore him for his balanced unbiased opinion. I think respect in our society is like if they are adult/parents etc. you have to respect them. I think respect is something each individual no matter age have to "earn" by their deeds. My in-laws really earned their respect from me and so did my sis-in-law. I think if you start accepting them as their won mother or father they will also start melting. Initial possisive nature from both the side is for husband/son is very sensitive in beginning but as years passes people do realize that this is what it is and try to work out the relation. Infact, I still have difference of opinion with my in-laws and the interference but at the same time when I think I also 've some differences with my own parents.

I think Jassi tells Arman that he has not understoon her middle class world, but have Jassi tried to understand Arman's world. I am not being discriminative here, but in Indian tradition she is the one who is going to move and live with his family so she is the one who should be interested in knowing more about arman's lifestyle. I think Arman is doing really good job knowing her family and respecting them ….i know she is having hard time coping with arman's mom and angel but hey what about arman why is she making him hear all those things that he does not deserve.

JP, thanks for sharing. I am glad things are working great for you and your hubby.
Chitra, I was disappointed in Jassi after reading the update. To me she is using her middle-class status as a shield. Agree, she cares about Bebe but she has to undrstand Armaan too. Really feel sorry for him. He is crushed between his family and his love.

JP-thanks for sharing. Another great topic- so many good spin-offs JJKN..

I totally agree with your description of how initial tension ruins the fresh start and happiness for a couple...We have gone through the initial period.

In Jassi's case, she is overreacting a bit. Poor Armaan is suffering again for no fault of his this time.

JP,

Thanks for sharing. I agree with what you wrote.👏

JP, you brought out a very interesting and a very sensitive aspect in a relationship.

In general, in India, there still lies a mindset that the son is the parent's property and more often than not, they try to figure out if they will be happy with the bride he brings home rather than focus on where his happiness lies.

Many a times, they go against the choice that he makes simply for the reason that it was him who made it. which in other words mean they did not have any say in the matter. It is considered a total no no that the son should give so much importance to a third person, especially a girl because then they feel threatened.

I had an arranged marriage. However, here too things got more than a little thorny because my FIL wanted my hubby to go through a few more specimens of feminine gender before making any decision and my dear hubby was hell bent on sticking on to me.......in fact went into a huge clash with his father because his father had another girl in his mind for his only son.....

And then, aka Ila, set out to make things difficult for me and my family. No dowry issues there. But did enough things to create mammoth insulting situations. During my reception things went so bad that one of the relatives from their side said such horrible things to my mom that my mom started sobbing right in the middle of the party...... me and my hubby had to go over and calm her down and reassure her and my sister-in-law.....bless her, she is the best thing other than my hubby in my marriage.....helped.

It did not stop there. This went on for another two years and for a good part of it, to my utter dismay, my hubby sided with his father, before I decided to rebel all out. It was difficult and it took everyone by surprise. I made it clear that either my folks get their due respect or else no one is getting any kind of respect from me...... Thankfully, by then my hubby had realised the dual nature of my dear FIL and from then on he has only tried to make things right. Today my parents depend on him for anything and My FIL knows that if anyone in this world really cares for him, it's me....

It did bring a certain distant but definite peace between both the families..... Now both treat each other with fake respect but my FIL does not go into any conflict. My parents are now much more tuned in to what to expect and have learned to turn a blind eye.... I stopped giving an ear to my mom's litany of accusations and complaints against all the wrongs that were done to us and discourage her from discussing them.....And I make it a point to praise my hubby to the skies and keep doing small gestures on his and my FIL's part for my family, for him and his dad on behalf of my family. In short, I have to watch like a hawk when both the parties are together to make sure nothing goes wrong. But in truth I have been a bit harder on my own parents because with them, my comfort level and exchange of thoughts is much more free and they are much more receptive to my ideas. Its kind of an uncomfortable truce. I tell them to take very good care of them when my hubby and my FIL are around and on the other hand I make it clear to my FIL and hubby that I don't want to hear anything even remotedly insulting.

In all this, the greatest sufferers were me and my husband . My marriage almost went for a toss because my Father in law felt threatened by my presence in his son's life, a fact aggravated by the fact that my MIL had passed away just a year before my marriage and there was no one to take exclusive care of him and give him the prime importance in everything. And both me and my hubby ended up piling our frustrations on each other🤢 It was quite sometime before we realised it affected no one but us and from then on stuck to each other's dicisions no matter what.

It took me a good part of my seven year marriage to figure out how to bring about a semblance of normality to the situation.

In JJKN, I can relate to what is going on in Ila's and jassi's head.

Ill'a sentence, that she does not care for her daughter's choice of grooms because she does not have to live with her but she cares whom her son brings in because she will be staying with him...and then reteirating the fact that if Armaan married Jassi, he would slip out of their control sums up her typical ma in law mindset.

For Jassi, after all the ordeal, the last thing she would suffer is her parent's insult. This is aggravated by the fact that they went through so much of an ordeal due to her actions. Hence they are going to top her list of priorities. She has never been tactful or intelligent as far as relationship go. She thinks with her heart rather than her head when it comes to human relationships. Hence she is bound to fall plum into the trap. Having seen dragged her family into the mud, her nerves are still raw for her parents. So a slighest dig will make her wounds flow. Something Angel in some mysterious ways has zeroed in.

Hopefully she sees the trap for what it is and tries to make some intelligent moves before it is too late.

Originally posted by: Minnie

JP, you brought out a very interesting and a very sensitive aspect in a relationship.

In general, in India, there still lies a mindset that the son is the parent's property and more often than not, they try to figure out if they will be happy with the bride he brings home rather than focus on where his happiness lies.

Many a times, they go against the choice that he makes simply for the reason that it was him who made it. which in other words mean they did not have any say in the matter. It is considered a total no no that the son should give so much importance to a third person, especially a girl because then they feel threatened.

I had an arranged marriage. However, here too things got more than a little thorny because my FIL wanted my hubby to go through a few more specimens of feminine gender before making any decision and my dear hubby was hell bent on sticking on to me.......in fact went into a huge clash with his father because his father had another girl in his mind for his only son.....

And then, aka Ila, set out to make things difficult for me and my family. No dowry issues there. But did enough things to create mammoth insulting situations. During my reception things went so bad that one of the relatives from their side said such horrible things to my mom that my mom started sobbing right in the middle of the party...... me and my hubby had to go over and calm her down and reassure her and my sister-in-law.....bless her, she is the best thing other than my hubby in my marriage.....helped.

It did not stop there. This went on for another two years and for a good part of it, to my utter dismay, my hubby sided with his father, before I decided to rebel all out. It was difficult and it took everyone by surprise. I made it clear that either my folks get their due respect or else no one is getting any kind of respect from me...... Thankfully, by then my hubby had realised the dual nature of my dear FIL and from then on he has only tried to make things right. Today my parents depend on him for anything and My FIL knows that if anyone in this world really cares for him, it's me....

It did bring a certain distant but definite peace between both the families..... Now both treat each other with fake respect but my FIL does not go into any conflict. My parents are now much more tuned in to what to expect and have learned to turn a blind eye.... I stopped giving an ear to my mom's litany of accusations and complaints against all the wrongs that were done to us and discourage her from discussing them.....And I make it a point to praise my hubby to the skies and keep doing small gestures on his and my FIL's part for my family, for him and his dad on behalf of my family. In short, I have to watch like a hawk when both the parties are together to make sure nothing goes wrong. But in truth I have been a bit harder on my own parents because with them, my comfort level and exchange of thoughts is much more free and they are much more receptive to my ideas. Its kind of an uncomfortable truce. I tell them to take very good care of them when my hubby and my FIL are around and on the other hand I make it clear to my FIL and hubby that I don't want to hear anything even remotedly insulting.

In all this, the greatest sufferers were me and my husband . My marriage almost went for a toss because my Father in law felt threatened by my presence in his son's life, a fact aggravated by the fact that my MIL had passed away just a year before my marriage and there was no one to take exclusive care of him and give him the prime importance in everything. And both me and my hubby ended up piling our frustrations on each other🤢 It was quite sometime before we realised it affected no one but us and from then on stuck to each other's dicisions no matter what.

It took me a good part of my seven year marriage to figure out how to bring about a semblance of normality to the situation.

In JJKN, I can relate to what is going on in Ila's and jassi's head.

Ill'a sentence, that she does not care for her daughter's choice of grooms because she does not have to live with her but she cares whom her son brings in because she will be staying with him...and then reteirating the fact that if Armaan married Jassi, he would slip out of their control sums up her typical ma in law mindset.

For Jassi, after all the ordeal, the last thing she would suffer is her parent's insult. This is aggravated by the fact that they went through so much of an ordeal due to her actions. Hence they are going to top her list of priorities. She has never been tactful or intelligent as far as relationship go. She thinks with her heart rather than her head when it comes to human relationships. Hence she is bound to fall plum into the trap. Having seen dragged her family into the mud, her nerves are still raw for her parents. So a slighest dig will make her wounds flow. Something Angel in some mysterious ways has zeroed in.

Hopefully she sees the trap for what it is and tries to make some intelligent moves before it is too late.

I liked the way you tried to analyse whats going on in jassi mind..... i completely agree with you on the analysis... i have read most of the posts and they all said armaan was the one who is sad.. but remember jassi is also going to be sad without her armaan ?

She cannot go to armaan and tell him look your mother came in and said this to my father.... i am sure no one can actually say that their parents made a mistake... Hence the misunderstanding.... i think armaan is goin to overhear angel and ila talking about the way they treated the walias... and then understand whats going on in jassi mind....

i dont want ot hurt any onr here... this is just what i think....

thanks jp for starting a sensitive topic, and so logical, i think too that armau-jazzm should sort things out themselves.

Thanks Jp for starting this & thanks everyone who have so honestly participated.....I'm not the right person to comment here as I've not gone through the actual situation..but I want to say something as a daughter...!

I belive it's not relation between the two ppl only but it's union of two families..in our set up after marriage in laws become priorities to the parents but at least before marraige I would have thought twice 'coz it's not that one incident- but am I ready to subject my parents for life long humiliation??do I want my father's self respect at stake forever for my happiness ??you can't change anyone but you have to learn to live with them...so in such situation I would have thought twice before subjecting my father to life long complex.....

I've been brought up in a joint family set up with my grand parents ,my parents & my uncles..I've seen my aunt's anguish ar my grany's interference & my uncle's denial at my grand father's decision......BUT TODAY I'm seeing my aunt's anguish at her daughter in law's independence...& my uncle's anguish at his son's denial at his decisions......!! so this is a circle..."Aaj jo aap kar rahe ho kal woh aap ke saath bhi hoga"I mean in long term we can never be happy by if we think only about ourselves...I'm sorry if I hurt anyone I haven't been a daughter in law so probably won't understand the pain but I 've seen pain of In-laws side in my grandfather's eyes & again same pain in my uncle's eyes when he is in the same situation today.....

As for jjkn I felt same things when she messed up with Purab(No,I'm not justifying Purab again )But I'm saying this charactor lacks COMMITMENT in ANY relationships ;everything has been sketched with her point of view,with her interests only....I don't think ANY relationship can be that onesided......!Ila too is right in her own place....

Originally posted by: RUPALV22

I've been brought up in a joint family set up with my grand parents ,my parents & my uncles..I've seen my aunt's anguish ar my grany's interference & my uncle's denial at my grand father's decision......BUT TODAY I'm seeing my aunt's anguish at her daughter in law's independence...& my uncle's anguish at his son's denial at his decisions......!! so this is a circle..."Aaj jo aap kar rahe ho kal woh aap ke saath bhi hoga"I mean in long term we can never be happy by if we think only about ourselves...I'm sorry if I hurt anyone I haven't been a daughter in law so probably won't understand the pain but I 've seen pain of In-laws side in my grandfather's eyes & again same pain in my uncle's eyes when he is in the same situation today.....

Relationship work both ways. What really happens is that we are, over the years used to dictating our children to the rights and wrongs and have a say in each and everything in their lives. So we want to have that power till the end. Yet perhaps we kind of forget that a grown up child is an adult who should be given some space........What happens then is that the space that should be normally given to any individual becomes 'independence' and what should be restricted to advice become 'interference'. Today, I when I see my hubby trying to filter my 5 year old son's friends simply on the basis of his own likes and dislikes, I try to stop him. Because I can already see what that is going to culminate into 20 years down the line..... Perhaps in the process I am training myself too to accept an alien in my house who might be someone entirely different from what I dream of who will come and start having a say in my house where my decisions were the ones which always were the last words......I know I will hate to loose that power, and that is where the trouble starts....

I have seen some beautiful daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationships. They are largely based on trust and exchange of thought process. However, unfortunately, what largely happens in our society is that the day a girl gets married, she is expected to forget her parents and start serving her inlaws as if she was born to do that and never had any past. The only reference her parents get is a contemptuous one in the form of ' haven't they taught you this...??". Hardly anyone tends to her if she is sick and in the beggining years, even a viral is enough to term her as a 'beemaru' or a 'kaamchor making bahanaas'......Even to go to her parent's place she has to 'take permission'...... a father who wants to spend some time with his own flesh and blood daughter has to take permission from a stranger (her in-laws) to do it............. Nothing more rediculous or painful than that.... This happened with almost every female of our past generation and ultimately, when they have become the 'saas', they try to do with their bahus exactly what was done to them.... their thought process being.....we did that, so she has to do too.....

Originally posted by: RUPALV22

As for jjkn I felt same things when she messed up with Purab(No,I'm not justifying Purab again )But I'm saying this charactor lacks COMMITMENT in ANY relationships ;everything has been sketched with her point of view,with her interests only....I don't think ANY relationship can be that onesided......!Ila too is right in her own place....

She did not mess up. Purab expected her to return his love, by which he expected her to stop loving Armaan and start loving him...... because he was a better choice......a rediculous demand by any standard. She already loved Armaan when he made an entry. She did say she would forget Armaan but she never ever said she would start loving him instead. She stuck to her choice, and that is commitment. She was wrong in taking Purab's help, even befriending him a second time after all that happened and that made her selfish. But it was not a lack of committment.

I don't think she lacks commitment. She might not be the most sensitive when it comes to opposite sex, but her loyalty to her family is touching. She is ready to give up Armaan, her destiny, without whom she can't even breathe, for her family. Her desire to stick with her family is commendable, though misguided. Many girls in her place might ignore the insults piled on her family for the sake of getting married to the guy she wants and have a safe and happy future. That is lack of committment.

Yes Ila is right to have a say in her son's choice, but not in going and insulting and humiliating anyone to get what she wants. That too on racist or class grounds. She is as wrong as someone who seeks dowry...

Originally posted by: RUPALV22

Thanks Jp for starting this & thanks everyone who have so honestly participated.....I'm not the right person to comment here as I've not gone through the actual situation..but I want to say something as a daughter...!

I belive it's not relation between the two ppl only but it's union of two families..in our set up after marriage in laws become priorities to the parents but at least before marraige I would have thought twice 'coz it's not that one incident- but am I ready to subject my parents for life long humiliation??do I want my father's self respect at stake forever for my happiness ??you can't change anyone but you have to learn to live with them...so in such situation I would have thought twice before subjecting my father to life long complex.....

Exactly what Jassi did today...... She is not ready to subject her parent's to lifelong humiliation any more. She is ready to fight it. Even at the cost of her happiness. For this once, I beleive what Jassi did would be something any girl who loves her parents would do. Because as of now, she is a dauhter first and then anything else. Here her parents are right and Armaan's folks are wrong. For her, the equation is as simple as that.

Beleive me, in a love relationship, if anything offends parents, it is the hardest to take for a girl, all the more because she is the one who is made to break away with them. Already the parents loose a child, the least that anyone can do is to give them their due respect and not treat them as second class citizen.

Though it does seem unfiar, her taking it out on Armaan was the most natural thing in the world. Any girl, in a similar situation where her parents have been wronged, will vow for that. Until she gets to the point where she can tell the in laws off directly.