OS- Nothing could make it better(part2 link added)

I woke up today morning and was somewhat depressed, so well here is the result. It's my first try at writing anything, so if you do manage to read through this crap, please do like/comment with your honest opinions. It would really mean a lot to me.

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He had wronged her. Again. He had hurt her. Again. He had failed her. Again. Only this time, nothing could make it better.

The glass he held was easily crushed under the pressure of his hand. Blood oozed out. He felt better. He was satisfied as his body acknowledged the pain, yet he knew that it was nothing compared to what his heart felt. Nothing compared to the hurt she must have felt, his heart told him. What hurt the most was that she had trusted him. Even after every damn thing he had done to her she had trusted him. And he had broken that. She had loved him, but all she gotten in return was his hatred.

He had wanted to stop her from leaving, but he knew that no amount of apologies would make up for everything he had done to her. She had always put others before her, and this time he wanted her to be happy, wanted her to put herself before everyone. She wouldn't find that happiness with him, he knew that. He had to let her go. She needed to move on. He hoped that someday she would forgive him. He hoped that maybe she would forget him, or remember him only as a bad dream. His heart churned at the thought of her not remembering him, knowing that he would be surviving only on her memories.

Everywhere he went, he could feel her presence. The poolside where they had shared countless of memories together. His bed, where she would sleep every day. His bathroom, for which they fought every morning. His wardrobe, where the scent of her clothes still lingered. He missed the blinding colours as he opened the wardrobe today. It was all black, just like his life had become after she left. His room felt empty without the stars, or the chime, whose tinkling noise would often announce her presence. The kitchen where she would cook her jalebis whenever she was upset or worried. The living room, echoing her laughter as she spoke to his family. He missed her constant annoying chatter, her adorable smile, her childish behaviour which would make him want to laugh out loud and bang his head on the wall at the same time. It was as if his house was mocking him, constantly reminding him of what he had lost.

If only he had asked her. If only he hadn't acted on an impulse. If only he had thought logically. If only he hadn't let his anger get the better of him. If only he had let his heart speak. Now all he was left with was a big IF ONLY, as he wondered how his life could have been.

"Kaash main tumse mohhabat kar pata Khushi". But he knew better. He knew that loving her wouldn't lead to anything and only hurt him further. Each time he hurt her, everytime he saw her tears that were caused by him or the bruises on her arms, again caused by him, he had felt a part of Arnav die. ASR had always emerged stronger, and thereafter hurt her more, fearing that he would become weak again, that maybe Arnav would come back in the forefront. But when she walked out of his house, he felt as if the last of Arnav died within him.

NO, he screamed. Not again, never again. ASR had cost him too much. He would change, Arnav would come back. It would be worse for him, he knew, but he deserved itm didn't he? He deserved all the pain in the world. He wished he could take away all the pain he gave her and inflict it upon himself.The physical pain would help lessen the pain in his heart.

How could I do that to her? How could I rip her off her innocence? How could I shatter all her dreams so ruthlessly? How could I not see the truth in her eyes? HOW?? He was consumed by a guilt and anger on himself so strong that he couldn't think beyond hurting himself. You deserved pain, he told himself over and over again. So this time he wasn't afraid to break down. This time he let the tears fall. This time he let his guard down. Because this time he had lost her there was nothing that could make it better.

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