Posted:
I'd never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
And I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
They say the heart was made to be broken. I never believed it until now when I can feel that unbearable pain of getting my heart being stabbed again and again by zillion of swords. Bleeding and breaking. The pieces of my broken heart are falling apart and I can do nothing to prevent it. All I can do is sit in solitude, cry and hear the pieces of my heart getting crumbled and scattered. Will I ever be able to put them back together... Even if I did... It might look intact someday, but will I ever be the same I was before it all happened... How I wish I could die right now...!!! Isn't is better to die when your heart breaks instead of getting up and putting back those zillion broken pieces.
Life is what we make it. One thing I always believed in. I was always cautious, careful, calculative, intelligent, practical. But how did it all mess up... Just one leap of faith and here I am... Fallen... Broken.. Betrayed... Left... Hurt and Alone. The only thing I feared in life was being left alone and it is all I have now. Love destroys you and nothing in the world can protect you from that damage. When a body is stabbed, it heals somehow but when the heart is injured, the wounds last a lifetime. People wish to fall in love and want a heart. Only if they knew, they were lucky enough not to fall in love and not to get a heart. Ironical it is, that we ourselves wish for own destruction.
It seems like I'm walking on the road that will not lead me to destruction but devastation. But its too late I guess. I am hurt by the one who promised to love me the most, left alone by the one who promised to stay beside me. Love, Destiny, life - they had played their cruel ugly wicked game with us. We have lost. And this is the time when letting go is not as hard as holding on to something; that isn't even real. Our relationship... Well it will be just a fantasy because Our failed marriage is the reality. Bitter reality.
I'm lying in his arms wrapped around him in our- in his bedroom. Our last night together, as he called it. He wanted me to stay and how could I not give him that, when I also wanted the same. Every time he confessed his love for me, I wanted to say it back to him. My insides churned when he leaned into me and breathed in my scent. He was drunk but I wanted to believe every single word of his. His body pressed to mine and I was pulled to him like a magnet. I wanted to be loved by him, for the last time. He kisses me and world suddenly seems a better place to live. Our dreamland. But We messed it up... The most beautiful and valuable thing of our lives - Our Marriage- is nothing but a mess. We terribly failed at saving it and instead of mourning over the loss and our broken hearts, we decide to live the very last moments. Our own sweet time of grieving. Hearts bleeding yet yearning, eyes crying, lips shivering, and bodies desiring. There is an urgent need of loving each other before our life changes upside down. Like a last piece of memory. To be created and to be cherished until our last breath.
Every time he touched me, my body burned with desire and passion. His lips kissed every inch of my body and the pain locked in my heart flowed through my eyes. It was that moment when we realised that this... This was the last time. He kissed my tears away and I kissed away his. It felt as if we were trying to take away each other's pain; the pain which we ourselves inflicted on each other. We deserved it. We killed ourselves. Yes, we hold onto each other tonight, make love and kiss the tears away but sadly its the last time we are doing it. Things will be ending tomorrow... we will be divorced... not belonging to each other any longer.
Love... He claimed to love me once but why did he abandon me like that. Who in the world gave him the right to leave me...?? What gave him the right to come to me and question me If I was really pregnant..?? How did he made me feel disgusted about the thing which would have made me the happiest...?? Why did the thing that was supposed to unite us - bind us together for eternity - actually drifted us apart...?? What If I'm not pregnant...?? Or what if I really am..?? I wanted to throw these questions at him but didn't because I knew it was all in his head. He was scared and feared change. He was scared of responsibility clearly. His fear and ego separated us when misery, misunderstandings, circumstances, death or god couldn't. He broke us when nothing could. I might have hurt him unintentionally but never did I break his heart, he broke his own. And in the process of breaking it, he broke mine. He wanted us to work out, so do I. I agree our marriage was not something we wanted at that time but he was the one who first confessed his love for me... the first one to accept this marriage in front of his family. His love made me realise mine. We accepted our marriage and the best part was the consent of our families. Nothing in the world has delighted us more than that consent and acceptance.
Fearing the result of the pregnancy test, he blamed me for not being careful and like a coward ran away. After two weeks of hiding in a hotel in Dubai, he comes back home only to find me gone. I waited for him to return for two weeks until aayi decided I no longer needed to stay in the oberoi mansion and I agreed with her. Yes I love the man I call my husband but I love my self respect too. I also need to be respected for my husband can't treat me like a door mat. In this time, I even got the test reports that said I was not pregnant. Suddenly my heart hung low but then rejoiced thinking it was for the good. He didn't want a child and no child deserves to be born to such parents. These two painful weeks of loneliness made me think about my life and how I don't want to live such a life. Aayi was right when she said that he wasn't the right person to marry but I didn't listen to her. I don't know why I made such a drastic decision of divorcing him but before I knew it, Aayi had already sent those papers to the oberoi mansion.
And now after two weeks, I get a call from him and he wanted to meet me. I agreed without any second thoughts and we met at our favourite cafe. I thought we would sort all our misunderstandings today but all he said was that he wanted a second chance. Never did he apologise once. Didn't I deserved a single sorry from him. No explanations... Nothing. Just a plead. A request. Did he ever cared about me...?? Ever...?? Was I really a toy he wanted and now after playing with it, he was throwing it away. I gave myself to him, he rejected me and now when he wants me back, I refuse to reconcile. I can't be with him to make him happy because now I can't take him back; risking my poor heart again. Tears roll down my eyes, thinking what I wanted him to be and what he turned out to be.
His lips touch my forehead. I freeze but the tears... They don't. Suddenly I realise what a forehead kiss means. One simple gesture and million emotions. A promise to stay together. Forever. How ironic...!! We couldn't even last a year. Talk about lifetime. I look at his face and a smile make its way to my lips, he looks adorable and cute while sleeping. I lean into him and kiss his forehead; only to drop feathery kisses all over his face. I peck his lips trying to memorise all of it and get out of the bed, careful of not waking him up. If he wakes up, I won't be able to leave. I look around the room and wonder if I will able to forget this bedroom, which I decorated with my hands, the photographs on the walls, the moments we spent in this room like man and wife and... And Rudra. Will I ever be able to forget him...?? The one who loved and hurted me the most. The one who still owns my heart, even after breaking it with his own hands. The one who took away all my pain, and then inflicted it back upon me. Then I realise in that moment, that the emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that can heal it.
Ever has it been that love knows it's own depth until the hour of separation. It was time. Time to move on. How I wished I could stay back and undo every mistake we did. Relationships don't end like that... Do they..?? I love this man and never will I be able to love anyone except him. But are we worth it...?? I didn't know so I took a step ahead but not before looking at him again. Memorising him for the last time. I was leaving a part of my soul behind and my broken heart. Broken or not, it belonged and will always belong to him. I write a note for him and stick it on the mirror. Just to let him know whatever happens between us, I will always hope the best for him. I will always be his well wisher. Always.
Two words. Three vowels. Four consonants. Seven letters. It can either cut you open to the core and leave you in ungodly pain or it can free your soul and lift a tremendous weight off you shoulders. The phrase is: It's over.
We are over.
Saumya and Rudra are OVER.
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This os was originally written for #mehbeer from badtameez dil but I thought why not make some changes and draft it on #Rumya. The inspiration for this piece were the numerous sad quotes one can find on internet.
Love
Naina
CID
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Cricket
Mannat Har Khushi Paane Ki
