The lonely evening saw Jambavati taking a stroll in the palace gardens of dwaraka. Her long open tresses swayed with the gentle breeze as they reached out to her waist but then there were her thoughts that swayed at the pace of a storm. The bees of her memories from the past night were still buzzing above the gigantic red roses in her brain when there came a butterfly of lovely, drool worthy wings that fluttered above them, grabbing all the attention they had desired for so long. The bud of her relationship with her lord hadn't completely blossomed and the sepals hadn't fallen apart for its petals to feel the warmth of his heart when another large flower appeared, casting its shadow on it and strengthening its claim on the sunshine.
Her lord was now another's, he had just gotten married for the third time and her soul lay shattered to pieces. While envy was still a distant emotion to the dulcet one, her eyes were now brimming with tears that refused to erupt in providing relaxation to the volcano within her heart. Her heart now went out to her Rukmini didi, she was going through this for the second time and she still stood upright, welcoming her new co-wife to the household and she was left gaping, shivering in the salute to her determination. She knew she could never reach her calibre, she would never be able to even put on a brave face on such an instance. On the spur of a moment, she realized that no one actually cared, neither of her feelings, nor her tears. She was forlorn and bereft of her love, deprived of the wifely compulsions and denied of the spark that a new bride upheld in her eyes for it now was transferred to another. All that was left behind were the tears in her favour and agony in her bosom, she was left to groan and wail with it. But somehow she couldn't detest Satyabhama, the new addition to the family, possibly because she was so full of life and love. She could imbibe her chirpy, lively spirit even now, when she had come searching for peace in the lap of mother nature.
"Jambavati! She felt a hand on her shoulder and a call that was so full of love that she just couldn't ignore, as she turned.
She recognised the voice at once.That voice pulled her towards itself.The voice which was the magnet to her iron.The voice which was the flame to her moth.She couldn't allow him to see her like this.It was so because she knew it would upset him more than anything else.She closed her eyes tightly to prevent her tears from escaping.Putting on a smile she turned around to face the man who was the centre of her universe.Her Lord,her inspiration.He was wearing a sad smile on his face.Though her heart was overjoyed to find him before her yet it stinged when she saw his sad expression.It puzzled her.
"What happened my Lord? Is anything wrong??Is there anything which is bothering you?',she asked.
"Yes,it is.Someone very close to me is hurt.And I cannot bear to see that person in pain.Moreover that person is suffering without uttering a single word which upsets me even more.Though I wish to heal the wound that person is not letting me approach.I am in such a dilemma Priyee.",he said.His voice sounded heavy.
Who could that person be?She wondered to herself.It must be Rukmini Didi.Or it could also be the mighty Partha who is her Lord's beloved friend.Or it can also be his sakhi Panchali.
Her Lord was always this benevolent.He could sense it when anyone is in pain even before they realised it themselves.His heart was like an ocean of affection.
"Are you thinking of something Priyee? You seem to be lost in your thoughts.Maybe we should talk later,",he said and he began to leave.This brought her back from her thoughts.
"No Kanha!! Don't leave me.",she uttered.This action of hers was out of impulse.Her heart did not want him to leave her.Ever.
"I am here,my love.Forever and always.",he said.His eyes were brimming with compassion.She could not help but get lost in them.
"So,you were telling me something.About someone close to you getting hurt.What happened to them??",she asked.They were sitting beneath a tree.It was a breezy spot.They could also hear a nightangle humming a song.
"Yes.So you see,this person is going through an emotional turmoil and is refusing to share with anyone.They have chosen to suffer silently.But I cannot see it.When that person suffers,I suffer too.The pain is unbearable and excruciating.Yet they refuse to acknowledge it.You tell me Jambavati.What should I do in such a scenario??",he asked.She gave him a warm smile.
"You will do what you have always done.You never leave people who need you.From whatever I have heard of you my Lord,you can be persistent if you wish to.",she said with a chuckle.She felt surprised.It was for the first time in many days that she felt this happy.His mere presence was enough to wash away all her sorrows.
"That's right.I will not leave that person alone till they share their problems with me and allow me to solve them.And mark my words I won't rest before I solve that persons problems.",he said with a confident smile.
"I guess it's Partha for sure.Rukmini di will never hesitate before opening up to Kanha.",she thought.
"My Lord,may I know what problem the mighty Sabyasachi is facing ?",she asked.For she had heard a lot of tales of the animosity that prevailed between the Pandavas and their cousins the Kauravas.
"Partha?? He is not facing any problem.Infact I received a letter today which spoke of his well being and enquired about mine.What made you think I was referring to him?",he said.He shook his head as if he was amazed.
Jambavati was bewildered.If it was not Arjun then who could it possibly be?? Not Rukmini Di or Brother Balaram.Satyabhama seemed to be very happy so she was ruled out too.Mother Devaki and Father Vasudev also seemed to be happy and content.So that left out only one person.Realisation dawned upon her and she felt burdened under it.
"Oh!! So you were talking about...me.",she said with a low voice.How foolish and ignorant she had been!!! How could she possibly imagine that he had not known about her grief.She felt so ashamed that she lowered her head.He gently held her chin and lifted her face.She faced him and looked into his eyes.Now her tears were beginning to flow.He wore his mysterious melancholic smile.
"I am so sorry my Lord.I am sorry for not trusting you.",she said as she let out the tears which had been suppressed for long.She rested her head on his shoulder and he put his arms around her.She had never felt so safe and comfortable before.
"I should be the one to apologise.Unknowingly I have hurt you.I made you feel uncared for.And nothing makes my heart more heavy than this knowledge.",he said.
"Please don't say such words.Otherwise you will upset me even more Kanha.I didn't tell anyone because I did not wish to make you feel bad.",she confessed.
"You did not tell me because you thought I would feel bad.I felt bad because you did not tell me anyway.Now when I am feeling bad because of your pain,tell me who is benefitted out of this exchange?",he asked.
"You are confusing me,My Lord.I am not even an amateur when it comes to playing with words.",she said.
"Then let's stop the game.Lets do what we should have done long ago.Lets talk and share our feelings with each other.Have you forgotten what I told you on our first night?You can always open your heart to me.So please share your feelings with me Jambavati.",he requested.She let out a deep breath.This was not going to be easy.
"I don't know how to describe my feelings my Lord.I guess I am confused myself.I don't understand these feelings because I am experiencing them for the first time.I don't know how to say it but I felt...shocked when you married Satyabhama the very next day after your marriage to me.I know that it should not be so surprising.But I cannot control my emotions.I feel so inadequate.And I feel alone too.I am not strong like Rukmini di to handle all this gracefully.I did not know anyone with whom I could share my feelings.Please do not misunderstand me my Lord.I swear on the Almighty that I have never,ever wished ill for Satyabhama.Infact I adore her like my own sister.She brings liveliness and joy where ever she goes.But there are times when I feel overshadowed by her.Both her and Rukmini di.I feel like a tiny sapling in between two trees.I feel like a planet between the sun and the moon.What can I do my Lord?? I know that this feeling is not a positive feeling.Infact I feel weakened by such thoughts.These thoughts are evil.They are like a sly serpent which has slithered into my soul and is slowly poisoning it.The pain is unbearable.I want to escape from it but I can't.This pain is like a slow death for me.But more than this pain what hurts me more is that I have such vile thoughts.I feel so ashamed.So insufficient.Please forgive my imprudence Kanha.Forgive my audacity.Forgive me and my guilty mind.I do not ask anything else from you.I do not deserve you or your love.But I can only pray for your forgiveness.",she said as she burst into tears.She could not stop them even of she wished too.
He cupped her face with his palms and wiped away her tears.He looked into her light brown eyes and gently caressed her.His eyes were even more compassionate and his lips had that affectionate smile.She could not take it any longer and she collapsed into his arms.His embrace felt like relief.Cool,peaceful and glorious relief.
"O my dear Jambavati!!! You had so many things inside your heart.Why didn't you tell me??You were fighting a battle within yourself and I wasn't with you to support you.Its my fault.I am the one to be blamed for this.Not you.Never blame yourself for anything Priyee.Never.",he said with a soft sigh.
"Why do you say so my Lord??I am the one who has sinned.",she said.
"Priyee,if being a human and acting like one is a sin then needless to say every single soul on this earth is a sinner.Because as far as I know,emotions like jealousy,insecurity and complex are common in human beings.In all the human beings.Humans feel more often that they breathe.And they can feel anything.Love,concern,anger,jealousy,anything.But what matters is till what extent do human beings let these emotions affect themselves. Excess of anything is harmful for sure.Be it love or hatred.Concern or envy.If we control our emotions then we will be able to think clearly.However if our emotions control us then they will cloud our judgement.In future,a time will come when these uncontrolled emotions will lead millions of people to their destruction.Relationships will be sacrificed on the altar of greed and ambition.When people will forget the difference between right and wrong.The consequences will be disastrous.",he said.His eyes were misty.It felt as if he was somewhere else witnessing a different event altogether.Jambavati was confused.
"What do you mean my Lord?",she whispered.
"That is a conversation for another day Priyee.We are diverting from the topic.So you felt jealous of Satyabhama right?? Well,it was natural for you to feel bad.Anyone else in your place would have reacted in the same manner.Your mild jealousy is not a problem.I know that I have wronged you in a manner.Its my fault that you felt ignored.And trust me I feel extremely guilty about it.I apologise to you from the core of my heart.And believe me,seeing you hurt was painful for me too.",he said with utmost sincerity in his eyes and voice.
"No my Lord!! You don't have to apol..,",she began when he put a finger on her lips.
"My dear Jambavati,you have already spoken your heart out.Now it's my turn.You were not wrong when you felt bad.But you were wrong when you thought yourself to be lesser than Rukmini or Bhama.You are equal to them in each and every aspect.Yes,you are not similar.Neither are Rukmini or Bhama similar to you nor they are like each other.The three of you are different.As different as Fire,Earth and Water.But does that mean one element is inferior to another?? Every elements is a part of nature.They have their own qualities.These elements define nature.They complete it.How would nature be without on or any of these elements??It's existence will be meaningless.Similarly my life will be nothing without you all.I need you Jambavati.In the same way as I need Rukmini and Bhama.",he said.
"Kanha,I am sorry for being unable to understand.It was all so simple and it was right in front of my eyes.I am extremely fortunate to get your love",she said.She felt overwhelmed by his magnanimous heart.
"So am I Jambavati.You call yourself a sapling and Rukmini and Bhama trees.Eventually this sapling will become a tree someday.Or you never know flowers may bloom on the plant which will attract bees.Your second comparison was that you are a planet between the Sun Rukmini and the Moon Satyabhama.Even I think so.Because it's a planet which keeps the Sun and the Moon connected to each other.The three share a bond of admiration and co exist in the universe.Am I right Priyee??",he asked gleefully.
She found herself smiling too.Never had she felt so light and happy.His words were like a balm which healed her wounds and washed away the scars too.His voice was like water on a parched landscape.But she just had one doubt left.
I have a query Kanha.I have understood that you love all of us equally.But what is the difference between the love you have for each one of us?',she asked.
I am afraid I don't know the answer to this question of yours Priyee.I love each one of you and each one of you inspires me,cares for me and understands me.I cannot see the difference in these feelings.And all I know is that the love which I feel is returned a hundredfold from each one of you.',he said
Jambavati smiled.She was content now.Because somehow she had expected this answer from him.She knew that it would take time before she understands him completely.However she was ready for the journey.And it's due to him that she got such a loving family along with people who cared for her.She had Rukmini and Bhama who would become the sisters she always wished for.And someday she would also get to know her husband's reknowned friends the Pandavas and Panchali.Above all the things,she had him.His love was adequate for her.
Maybe this is how God's love must be.God loves everyone and everyone has a place in His heart.',she wondered.
With these thoughts she lovingly fondled her husband as he rested his head on his lap.The birds were humming their songs.The breeze was calmer now.And it seemed as if branches of the trees had bended themselves to shelter them.
Ishaani
Cricket
