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Dear Diary,
last night I was a bit too disturbed...so I ended up turning my room upside down and see in that pile of expensive trash I found you... after all thse years...do you know that you can be used against this vicious shark as a deadly weapon...
I guess we have a lot to catch up... last time I saw you I was changing myself into someone invincible...and here I stand after years ..still unable to fool you...honestly , I don't even want to...I don't know but this pretence... it actually never clicked..yeah I managed to fool so many people ..well not because I am smart or my exterior of shark is too good but this world only sees what it wants to see...people will never give a second look even if the ugly truth of life is smacked right on their face...look at me ...I have lived a beautiful lie for so long..then I went through a phase with truth which tore me part and to hide that wounded self of mine I am living another lie..just not as beautiful as before but it can burn you like fire and kill you with it's coldness...
I don't regret my decision not a bit...but when I look into the mirror why do I feel that I am seeing a stranger...whatever hurt I got from this world, I learnt to give it back to them...I even learnt to think only about what I want, well correction I learnt to think only about getting a job done...wanting something is not my cup of tea anymore... I even blew up a factory ...because ...I don't know ..that place..those people ...a girl lying on road just to save that damn place...everything felt like that somebody is hammering my stoned body...and it was breaking...and I don't have the strength to build those walls again...not at all...so I did what I always do...I destroyed it...a part of me burnt down to ashes with that factory and the noise of people wailing and collecting their pieces together for making their world again and again...why do people try to clinge on anything...everything except pain in this world is too fragile ...heart and dreams are meant to be broken...
you know when the fire warmed up the place around me ..I don't know what I felt...I stood there looking into the eyes of flames I created ...and I don't know what I was looking for ...I turned back to leave it all behind but I carried a part of it with me..i turned back again not ready to give in...to tell something inside me that I don't care...and I heard a voice within me ,as if the old sahir was laughing at me...I felt exhausted..i felt broken...I wanted to sit on my knees...but my body didn't move...I was frozen like a lifeless statue which was alive once...I should be happy ...this is all I wanted when I decided to rebel against everything I loved..i decided to rebel against nature...but it was not happiness for sure..it wasn't peace..it was I don't know what...with a huge building burning in front of me...I felt cold...dizzy and a sudden desire to stop... I felt like ...do you remember a shayari I once recited to you...
Kuch to hawa bhi sard thi kuch tha tera khayal bhi
Dil ko Khushi ke sath sath hota raha malal bhi
Dil ko Khushi ke sath sath hota raha malal bhi
Baat vo adhi raat ki, raat vo poore chand ki
Chand bhi ain chet ka, us pe tera jamal bhi
Chand bhi ain chet ka, us pe tera jamal bhi
Sham ki na-samajh hawa pooch rahi hai ik pata
Mauj-e-hava-e-ku-e-yar kuch to mera Khayal bhi
Mauj-e-hava-e-ku-e-yar kuch to mera Khayal bhi
when I read it for the first time...I felt pure admiration for the depth and beauty of words but I really never understood it's meaning...I think what I felt that night was the words of this poem..i practically lived what it is trying to say ...yeah you guessed t right... I am still standing there where I left the old sahir with his weaknesses... I am unable to let go...I failed...and no matter how much I try I will fail again...because I can't kill old sahir...I don't have the guts...and I can't even bring him back...I am too weak for that..my life is like a running around a pillar...no matter how much you run, no matter how much you try..you are unable to move...you will always be circling around...getting dizzy and one day when you give up..everything will end...as meaningless as it was in he beginning of your journey...still a part of you will always hope that you will get to pause for a second to look around...you will be touched by warmth and your ice will melt...you will feel the life inside you...and It will be like a miracle and...
kher chhoro...
p.s.: the shayari I used in this post belongs to Parveen Shakir...
Bigg Boss 19
Anupamaa
