Chapter-10
Kesar
Kesar had no idea how long he stayed by the road.Eventually a few passers by stopped thinking maybe he needed some help.That brought him back to his senses.He got on his bike and drove through in the pouring rain.He just couldn't stop picturing Gulaal's face-her smile,her tears,her anger,her teasing and her tearful face while leaving the house.Finally the thing he had feared the most all these years had happened.He had lost Gulaal...he had lost his best friend...Maybe he shouldn't have confessed that he loved her but how could he not when he knew that she loved him too.He could see it so clearly in her eyes.Somewhere he had hoped that maybe she would accept her love for him but instead she had shut down and gone on the defensive.The Gulaal he talked to in the morning had almost been a stranger and it scared him.She had been standing so close to him yet he had never felt so farther away from her,not even when he had stayed away for those five long years.He gulped down his pain as he realized that he did not regret laying down his heart in front of her.He could have maintained a lifetime of silence if he had been sure that she was indeed in love with his brother and that she was happy with him but that was not the case.She loved him and it changed everything.What he did might be considered wrong and selfish but he didn't care anymore.He was tired of pretenses.He had been miserable long enough,lying to others and more importantly himself.He had amost started believing that he would be happy and content with having her in his life in any form but now he realized that it was not enough.He would never be able to be just her friend...certainly not after last night.He needed her...wanted her... he could no longer pretend that he didn't and it was high time he started to listen to his heart...
By the time he reached home it was pitch dark.He did not want to face anyone tonight.He just wanted to go to his room and sleep.He was exhausted both physically and emotionally.He just would not be able to put on an act anymore that he was fine,that his heart was not breaking on the inside.He couldn't...but luck did not seem to favour him because as soon as he set foot inside the living room he heard his mother's voice calling him,"Kesar...beta kahaan reh gaya tha tu?Kitni baar phone kiya tujhe...lekin tera phone laga hi nahi.idhar aa beta...tujhse kuch baat karni hai...ek khush khabri hai...".Suddenly a fear gripped his heart.Somehow he knew what the news would be and he did not want to hear it.He wanted to escape but his feet dragged him towards his mother as he asked in a fearful voice,"kaisi khush khabri ma?".He was cursing himself in his mind."What am I saying?Why am I being so curious?There's still time...just turn around and run to your room".He didn't make a move.He just stood there waiting for his mother to reply."Kesar...aaj maine Panditji ko bulaaya tha.Vasant aur Gulaal ki shaadi ka date fix karne ke liye aur patha hai...ek bahut acha muhurat bhi hai agle mahine ke 20th tareek ko.Panditji keh rahe the ki isse acha shubh muhurat aur koi nahi nahi hai.hum soch rahe the ki kyun na usi din in dono shaadi karaa di jaaye...".He clutched his fist.He had known that this would happen but still hearing it stunned him.He did not have anything to say as he stood there without blinking his eyes."Kesar...kuch bol...kya hua?",His mother's concerned tone made him reply,"kkkuuuchhh nnnaaahi ma,kya aap ne yeh baat Gggulaal aur Vaaasssant bhai se ki?".He couldn't believe his stuttering was back.He controlled his breathing as he sensed his mother's curious gaze on him but then he heard her reply,"nahi beta,panditji toh bas thodi der pehle hi aaye the.Vasant abhi ghar nahi pahuncha aur maine socha ki pehle usse baat kar loon phir Gulaal ko bhi bataa doongi.waise main jaanti hoon use bhi koi aitraaz nahi hoga.aaj main bahut khush hoon Kesar ki aakhir kaar Gulaal hamaare ghar mein bahu ban ke aayegi.Is din ke liye hum sab ne kitna intezaar kiya hai.agar aaj Revji bhai, Poonam aur Yogesh hote toh unhe kitni khushi hoti".He saw his mother's eyes clouding over with emotions.She came over to him and looked at him closely,"Kesar...tu itna udaas kyun lag raha hai?mujhe toh laga tha ki yeh baat sun kar sab se zyaada khush toh tu hi hoga...lekin tu toh..."She ruffled his hair and carressed his cheek and was about to continue when Kesar caught hold of her hand and held it in his own,"nahi ma...woh bas mujhe thodi thakaan mehsoos ho rahi hai.kal raat theek se soya nahi na isliye...aur koi baat nahi hai".He smiled at his mother who looked far from convinced.For a moment he almost thought of telling her everything but then he bit his tongue and stayed quiet.A loud ring from his cell phone saved him from any further interrogation.He excused himself as he took the call.After the call he came over to his mother and said,"Ba...mujhe thoda kaam hai.mujhe baahar jaana hoga.shaayad aate aate der ho jaaye.meri chinta math kijiye..."and he left the house before she could stop him or ask him anything further and though he could hear her worried voice behind him,"Kesar,kapde toh badal le...tu puri tarah bheeg gaya hai...Kesar beemar pad jaayega...Kesar sun toh...",he did not look back.
Gulaal
The ride to Bulbul's home was an unusually quiet affair.Vasant had tried to strike up conversation with her a couple of times but her silent nods and one word answers soon brought an end to his efforts.She did feel bad for being unresponsive but she did not think she would be able to speak to him right now."main tujhse pyaar karta hoon...bahut pyaar karta hoon...",she could still hear Kesar's husky voice and she shivered as she felt goosebumps break out on her skin."Gulaal...tumhe thand lag rahi hai kya...main AC off kar deta hoon...",Vasant's concerned tone brought her back to reality and she stared at him for a few seconds.Vasant was looking at her worriedly and it really made her want to cry.She looked away and thankfully before he could ask about her peculiar behaviour they had reached their destination.Vasant took her bag from the backseat and tried to walk her to the door.Gulaal panicked.What explanation would she give if Bulbul came to the door looking healthy.She quickly took the bag from him as she said,"Vasant ...tumhe office jaldi pahunchna hai na.Tum chale jaao warna der ho jaayegi".Vasant looked confused but he gave in without a word."Theek hai Gulaal...apna khayaal rakhna aur kisi bhi cheez ki zaroorat ho toh mujhe phone kar dena.ok".He then came close to her and hugged her loosely as he mumbled,"I will miss you Gulaal...jaldi waapis aana".Gulaal closed her eyes tightly.It felt wrong...completely wrong.She wanted to pry his arms away from around her and run away as far as she could.Instead she tried to stay calm but she couldn't as she flinched.She actually flinched!!...She hoped Vasant had not noticed it as she tried to paste a smile on her face but when she looked at his expression she got the feeling that maybe he had.The smile had vanished and his face was grim.He did not say anything.He just gave her a curt nod and then drove away.As she walked towards Bulbul's front door in a daze there was only one question in her mind...What the hell was she doing?
Bulbul had been a good friend to her all these years.Time constraints and busy lives may have curtailed their frequent meetings but they always knew what was happening in each other's lives.Bulbul immediately understood that there was something troubling her best friend as soon as she saw her at her doorstep.Gulaal knew that she was worried and wanted to ask her about it but thankfully she didn't.Instead Bulbul made some tea and launched into a conversation about her so called troublesome life-her forgetful boy friend,her nagging parents,her obnoxious boss at work.Gulaal sighed mentally because she could make out that her friend was exaggerating her own problems to distract her and make her feel better. She knew instinctively that Bulbul was in a happy place.The glow on her face and the beautiful ring on her finger just proved her theory.Her own life had not been so bad until yesterday and now everything was complicated but then she had no one to blame for the mess but herself.She was the one who muddled up everything.She knew that Bulbul was purposely avoiding asking about Vasant or other family members.They gossiped like old times and Gulaal forgot her problems for those few moments.It felt good for a while and she even laughed out loud at one of Bulbul's jokes.Then suddenly Kesar's face flashed in front of her eyes and she stopped laughing abruptly.Bulbul noticed this as she said,"dekh Gulaal...kuch toh baat hai jo tujhe bahut pareshaan kar rahi hai warna tu is tarah ghar chodkar yahaan nahi aati.lekin main tujhe force nahi karungi.tu jitne din chaahe yahaan reh sakti hai.mujhe bhi company mil jaayegi.chal main tujhe kamra dikhaati hoon...".Gulaal smiled feebly.As she followed Bulbul to the room she thought of telling her everything.She wanted to unburden her heart... but would she be able to understand?There was only one person who could have helped her out...one who understood her completely-Kesar and she was running away from him...
After Bulbul left her to freshen up she sat down on the bed.She was feeling very tired.She just wanted to sleep but first she decided to arrange her stuff in the room.She opened her bag which contained her clothes and other essentials.She took them out and arranged everything neatly.Then suddenly she felt her hands touch something soft.She took it out...it was a small white teddy bear...well almost white...the colour had faded with time and it looked quite worn out.She smiled as she held it close to her chest.This was her most favorite possession in the world.She had never parted from it.She hadn't even thought twice before putting it into her bag.This was her first present from Kesar and from then on this had always been with her.As she caressed it's soft fur,she was reminded of Kesar's silent hurt face as she was leaving the house.She closed her eyes and tears started to flow.She should not have been so harsh with him.She regretted it now.She was equally responsible for whatever happened between them.In her attempt to put a distance between them,she had not only spoken rudely to him but had even gone to the extent of slapping him.She shouldn't have done that at all.
Maybe she had gone overboard with her reactions but hadn't this always been the case?He was the only one who could bring out the most extreme reactions out of her,whether it was anger,jealousy,happiness,tenderness or...passion.Why was that?She looked at the soft toy and asked herself...why was this shabby teddy bear so precious to her?Vasant had given her many gifts but she never considered any one of them as valuable as this one...why?Why did it hurt so much when Kesar stayed away from her or tried to avoid her?Why did it pain her seeing him with some other girl and why did she allow him to come so close to her when she hadn't even given Vasant that liberty?Every little thing of his mattered to her,with him by her side she felt like she was the happiest woman on earth but without him she felt completely lost.Her eyes widened as she looked at her reflection in the mirror because what she saw was a woman in love...
It was then that it suddenly hit her...she was in love with Kesar...I love Kesar...I love him...She realized that Kesar had been right about her.Once again he understood her feelings clearly when she herself had been confused.She looked back into the mirror and she could see a blush spreading across her cheeks.She smiled as she touched her flaming cheeks..."main Kesar se pyaar karti hoon...yeh kaise hua,kab hua aur mujhe patha kyun nahi chala?"-was it the time when he brought her imlis for the first time as a peace offering or maybe it was when he played a tune on the guitar just for her all those years ago or was it when she saw him smile when she offered him the hand of friendship-frankly she didn't know and she didn't care.The only thing that mattered was that she was completely and irrevocably in love with Kesar.So this was the answer to all those confusing emotions which had been troubling her.It was not just friendship.It was love-pure,all consuming love.A small smile played on her lips even as tears shined in her eyes.All this time she had been waiting to fall in love without even realizing that she was already head-over-heels in love.She could feel her cheeks getting warm as she mused...why did it take her so long to realize her love for him?and then her smile faded as she remembered why...
"...aap Gulaal ki chinta math kijiye.Hum abhi mare nahi hain.woh hamaari hone waali bahu hai lekin aaj se woh hamaari beti bankar is ghar mein rahegi...",Baba's (MB's)authoritative voice rang through her thoughts.She started to walk up and down the room clearly frazzled.
She tried to clear her mind but right then she heard another voice,"Rewa ke saath saath tu bhi toh meri hi beti hai na aur beti jab ghar se door jaati hai toh maa ko chinta toh hogi na...",Ba's soft but soothing voice brought tears to her eyes.
She shut her ears to drown out the voice but once again another voice invaded her mind and this time she could not help but cry hearing it because it was her mother,"...beta,jab tak teri shaadi Vasant ke saath nahi hothi tab tak meri chintha kam nahi hone waali...".It had been her mother's greatest wish to see her get married to Vasant but it never happened in her lifetime.The voices started to crowd in and she started to feel suffocated.There was no escape.She let out a sound of frustration as she fell to the ground.Suddenly the voices cleared as she was reminded of the day when Kesar had called her "bhootni" and teased her around for the entire day .She smiled inspite of the tears and the confusion and this time a very familiar husky voice penetrated her thoughts,"aur tu chaahe jitni bhi koshish karle mujhe apne dil se nikaal nahi paayegi...".The smile turned into silent sobs as she fell to the ground still holding onto the teddy bear in her hand.
The sound of her phone ringing brought back Gulaal to the land of living.She had no idea when she fell asleep.She opened her eyes groggily and to her surprise it was dark.She quickly looked at the time and was shocked to discover that it was past midnight.She had been sleeping the whole day.Why didn't Bulbul wake her up?,She wondered.Who would be calling her at this time of the night.She wiped her tears away as she looked at the caller name.It was Vasant.Why was he calling her at such a late hour?Suddenly she felt an unnatural fear take hold of her.Did something bad happen?...Kesar...did something happen to Kesar? She shook her head to rid herself of her stupid thoughts,"main bhi patha nahi kya kya soch leti hoon...aisa kuch bhi nahi hua hoga".
She cleared her throat as she answered,"Vasant...kya hua itni raat ko phone kyun kiya?".She could hear the worry in Vasant's tone as he replied,"woh Gulaal...Kesar aaya tha kya wahaan...?".Her heart started to race as she heard Kesar's name and she asked in an agitated tone ,"nahi Kesar yahaan nahi aaya kyun kya hua?kahaan hai woh?"Vasant now sounded a lot more worried,"wahaan bhi nahi aaya...toh phir yeh gaya kahaan?woh shaam ko ghar aaya tha...ma se baat ki aur patha nahi kahaan chala gaya.ma ne poochne ki bhi bahut koshish ki lekin woh bina kuch bole hi chala gaya aur main tab se uska mobile try kar raha hoon par woh utha hi nahi raha.yahaan pe sab bahut pareshaan ho rahe hain Gulaal.chalo main ab rakhta hoon.main khud jaake use doondhne ki koshish karta hoon.tum chinta math karo Gulaal...khabar milte hi main tumhe bataa doonga".
Gulaal was now worried.Where was Kesar?why was he missing?She once again cursed herself for being so harsh with him.She silently prayed to God,"Hey bhagwaan please mere Kesar ko kuch math hone dena...kahin usne kuch...nahi nahi yeh main kya soch rahi hoon!".Kesar was not a weak person.She knew that.He would never do anything foolish... but still her heart was not at peace.She tried calling his number.The ring was going through but he was not picking up.She muttered as she tried his number,"come on Kesar...pickup...pick up...tujhe jo sazaa deni hai mujhe de.Tu mujhse gussa hai,naraaz hai toh tu phone utha aur mujhe jitna jee chahe kos le.main kuch nahi bolungi but please apna phone utha Kesar".As she was pacing up and down the room she came to a stop near the window.She looked out.The rain had now come to a standstill and then she saw a silhouette across the road.She looked closely.She could see a guy leaning on a bike and he seemed to be looking towards her.He looked familiar to her.She squinted her eyes and a small cry left her mouth,"Kesar...".
She ran out of the room,out of the house unmindful of the fact that she was wearing a flimsy night gown and that her feet were bare.She crossed the road and stopped a few feet away from him.By now Kesar was standing upright and looking at her intently.There was a mixture of shock and happiness on his face.He was completely drenched in the rain and he looked a mess but Gulaal had not seen a more pleasing sight.She ran towards him with a wide smile and hugged him.She did not say a word instead she just held him for a few moments with her eyes closed just feeling him,touching him savouring the moment.She forgot all her pain and confusion.The sheer joy of seeing him in front of her eyes had made her completely delirious.She felt him hesitantly embrace her.She could feel the warmth of his arms through her thin layer of clothing and at that moment she opened her eyes.She came back to her senses.She moved back immediately and she could see the confusion in Kesar's eyes.His fading smile and crestfallen expression made it difficult for her to look at him.She turned around as she said in an even tone,"Kesar, tu poori tarah bheeg gaya hai.andar chal warna sardi lag jaayegi.aur haan ghar par ek baar phone kar dena.sab teri chinta kar rahe hain". She walked off without looking back.She knew he would follow.As she entered the house Bulbul was standing looking confused and then she saw Kesar.Gulaal just replied,"Bulbul...kya tere paas kuch kapde hain jo Kesar pehen sake".Bulbul kept staring at Kesar as she remained silent.Gulaal sighed as she called her name once more,"Bulbul...".Suddenly Bulbul blinked and muttered,"huh...kya?...". "maine poocha tere paas Kesar ke pehene laayak kuch hai kya.dekh rahi hai na yeh poori tarah bheeg gaya hai.ab agar is haalath mein ghar jaayega toh beemar pad jaayega".Bulbul replied in a hesitant tone,"haan...hai...main leke aati hoon" and she left the room.They waited silently in the living room until Bulbul ame back with the clothes.Gulaal took the clothes as she silently thanked her friend for not asking any questions.She heard Kesar mutter a "Thank you" and Bulbul smiled back at him.It made Gulaal almost lose her composure because she could see Bulbul giving Kesar a mesmerized look...
She walked towards her room with Kesar behind her.As soon as she reached her room she gave him the clothes saying,"tu kapde badal le Kesar phir baat karte hain...aur haan ghar pe phone karna math bhoolna.".She provided him a towel to dry himself and left the room.She went to the kitchen and heated up a glass of milk for Kesar.By the time she walked upto her room with the glass of milk he had changed into the clothes that Bulbul had given.Fortunately they fit him. He looked at the glass of milk suspiciously as he asked her,"yeh kya hai?..."Gulaal really wanted to burst into laughter looking at his scared expression as she replied,"doodh hai Kesar,ise pee le...".He turned away from her as she came towards him holding the glass.She sighed as she tried to control herself,"tu kyun kar raha hai yeh sab Kesar?tu yahaan is waqt kya kar raha hai ?Tujhe patha bhi hai ghar mein sab kitne pareshan hain...tu hamesha aisa hi karta hai Kesar...ghar se gaayab rehta hai aur batata bhi nahi ki kahaan jaa raha hai...ya phir tujhe kitni der ho jaayegi...aur tere mobile pe toh call karna bekaar hi hai.jab call uthana hi nahi hai toh phir kyun rakhta hai use apne paas...tujhe zara sa bhi andaaza hai ki tere peeche sab kitni chinta karne lagte hain...patha hai jab se ghar se phone aaya hai tab se mere mann mein kitne bure bure khayaal aane lage...kyun karta hai aisa Kesar...Kyun tu...".She took a deep breath.
She had no idea what was happening to her.The worry,concern and the tension that she had experienced a few minutes ago was finally finding an outlet in her outburst and she just couldn't stop herself anymore,"main jaanti hoon Kesar, maine jo tere saath kiya woh bahut galat tha.mujhe tujhse itni berukhi se pesh nahi aana chahiye tha.tujhpar aise haath nahi uthana chahiye tha.I am sorry kyunki dosh tera nahi mera hai...main yeh bhool gayi thi ki mere is parivaar ke prati,Vasant ke prati kuch zimmedaariyan hain,is parivaar ki mujhse kuch umeedein hain. main sab bhool gayi Kesar, tere pya...".She stopped herself and then continued," main yeh bhi jaanti hoon ki tu yahaan kyun aaya hai...lekin jo tu chahtha hai woh nahi ho sakta Kesar.Please mujhe samjhane ki koshish kar.main aisa koi kadam nahi utha sakti jisse hamaare gharwaalon ko thes pahunche.main jaanti hoon ki meri in baaton se tujhe bahut takleef ho rahi hai lekin Baba ne,Ba ne,mere ma,papa ne, sab ne Vasant se meri shaadi ke sapne dekhe hain aur main unka dil nahi dukha sakti Kesar...main unka sapna nahi tod sakti...",her heart was breaking into a million pieces saying all this but she had to...she could not give him any false hopes and she would have continued if she had not heard Kesar's hurt voice,"aur tu ne Gulaal...kya tu ne bhi yehi sapna dekha tha...".She could not see his face properly but she could sense that he was trying to calm himself down as he replied in an even tone,"mujhe maaf karde Gulaal...main toh bas...".She could see him hesitate for a few seconds.Then he turned around and she could see a steely determination etched on his features as he continued ,"main toh bas tujhe dekhne aaya tha Gulaal...tujhse milna chaahtha tha bas.kal main do hafton ke liye apne band ke saath promotional tour pe jaa raha hoon.toh socha jaane se pehle ek baar tujhe dekh loon..."He paused once more as he laughed and she could hear the sarcastic bite along with the hurt in his hoarse voice as he said,"waise tujhe jaankar bahut khushi hogi ki tera sapna jald hi sach hone waala hai.Vasant bhai aur teri shaadi ka date fix ho gaya hai.Agle mahine ke 20th tareek ko sab se acha muhurat hai...so Congrats Gulaal... Shaadi mubaarak ho!..."and he walked out of the room without saying another word as she stood there with a stunned expression on her face, staring at the spot where he had been standing.The glass of milk in her hand slipped out of her grasp and crashed to the ground but she did not notice.
Anupamaa
