Chapter-8
Kesar
It is said that life is a series of moments.Some ordinary,some special and some potentially life changing...and as Kesar had experienced all of them, he knew instinctively that this was a huge moment,a life changing moment.He was kissing Gulaal,the girl...no ...the woman who had a hold on his heart and body even though she had not the slightest clue about it. And here he was, kissing her on a surprisingly cold night under the stars standing outside a crowded pub,where any passer by could actually see them and for once he didn't care or maybe he was so lost that he was in no position to think straight.
At first the kiss was soft,a mere touch,a light caress.Actually he remained frozen for a few seconds because his mind was still processing the fact that he was in fact kissing Gulaal.He had for so long dreamed about this moment(yes, he did and he had spent many a sleepless night feeling guilty about having these dreams!)but never once in his wildest imaginations had he thought that it would come true.Now that he was here in this moment-his lips lightly touching hers,he was lost.Then he felt her trembling warm,soft palm caress his cheek lightly and that set off something in him.His hands wound around her tiny waist and crushed her body against his as he slowly started to feel the softness of her lips.She tasted sweet like rasberries,he thought giddily-her lipgloss,he guessed.Soon every single thought flew his mind as the kiss grew insistent and passionate.Any fear he might have had regarding her response was cleared away as she reciprocated with equal intensity.He was feeling dizzy- was it the effect of the alcohol or the kiss?He didn't know and he really didn't care.He was intoxicated.
He broke away from the kiss needing to breathe and to his surprise he felt her gasp,she tangled her arms around his neck and was pulling him closer.She must have thought that he was ending the kiss and she didn't want that.He thought with a dreamy smile on his face...She wanted the kiss to continue.He looked at her for a second.Her eyes were closed and her lips were slightly apart.She looked so innocent yet so seductive and that was a lethal combination-one he couldn't resist even if he tried-that was the last sane thought as his lips touched her skin.He needed to touch more of her,feel more of her. He kissed her everywhere-her cheeks,her jaw,her eyes... everywhere.He could feel her fingers in his hair gripping him roughly.The sounds she made only encouraged him further.As his lips moved to her neck,he could smell her light flowery perfume and he went on to place many open mouthed kisses on the nape of her neck,her throat everywhere he could and he knew she liked it because he could actually feel her knees wobble and even if there were any doubts left they were driven away when he heard her shaky whisper, "Kesar...".He wanted to smile but her whispering his name drove him crazy and he needed to kiss her mouth again.As he crashed his lips to hers once more there was no hesitation,no softness-it was just a needy,demanding,all consuming kiss...
Kesar would have gladly remained there for the rest of his life with Gulaal in his arms but interruption came in the form of some drunk people who had come out of the pub.Their loud noises and cheers brought him back to reality.He broke the kiss and moved back.He looked at the people who were clapping and cheering for him.He was embarrassed.His first ever kiss with the woman he loved which was supposed to be a special moment,a private moment and he had an audience.He smiled back good naturedly and the people went off towards the parking lot.He turned to look at Gulaal,who had now gone slack in his arms.To his surprise she had fallen asleep.He could not help but laugh at himself, "Kesar yeh tu ne kya kiya... tu ne toh Gulaal ko sulaa diya apne kisses se...".
He was in no state to drive so he called up a cab to take them home.Gulaal slept on his lap through the ride.He just kept looking at her the entire time-caressing her face and tucking her hair behind her ears.She looked adorable.He smiled as he thought-I could spend my whole lifetime like this without any complaints...The very next instant he laughed at himself-so corny,Kesar... but it was true...
He tried to take her to her room by supporting her arms on his shoulder but she was in no condition to walk so he looked around.Everyone had gone to sleep.So he carried her in his arms and took her to her room.He put her down on her bed and he could see a small smile on her face.He could not resist as he kissed her forehead softly and murmured in her ears, "I love you Gulaal". The smile on her face widened and she slurred, "hmmm...loooveee u tooo...".He was stunned.What did she say?Did she say she loved him?or was it just his imagination.He wanted to wake her up,ask her to repeat what she said...but he knew this was not the right time for this conversation.He will talk to her tomorrow.He will get his answers from her tomorrow.Right now he should go and sleep because he was starting to feel light headed and if someone found him here at this time of the night it would not be good.So he took one last look at the sleeping beauty and left her room.
The next morning,he woke up with a massive hangover but he didn't care.Nothing could spoil his mood today,not even a headache.He looked at the time and was surprised to note that it was only 6AM.He never woke up before 8 and even then someone had to come and wake him up otherwise he would just continue sleeping.Wow... this is new,he thought to himself... but honestly he hadn't been able to sleep at all last night.All he could think about was Gulaal and that kiss.He just wanted the night to pass quickly so that he could see her face,see her smile,hear her voice.He had been so impatient,he could think of nothing else.He took a quick shower and got dressed in a jiffy.He whistled to himself as he came down the stairs.
"arre Kesar tu itni subah subah...wohi main sochun ki aaj yeh bin mausam barsaat kyun ho rahi hai...kyun na ho aaj mera chote bhai ki aankh itni jaldi jo khul gayi..."Vasant's deep ,teasing voice rang out and Kesar froze on the spot.Reality crashed into the world of his dreams.Vasant bhai...Oh God Vasant bhai...how did I forget him?Flashes of the kiss played in his mind and then as he turned around he saw Vasantbhai's face who was smiling at him.What did I do?How could I forget him?
Vasant came upto him,"arre tu aise buth banke kyun khada hai.tujhe toh kal raat ke baad khush hona chahiye".Kesar was confused.What was he saying?Did he know about the kiss?The guilt which had overpowered him had paralysed him and he was not able to think properly so he could only respond with a," huh...bhai...".Vasant ruffled his hair and replied,"arre buddhu main teri performance ke baare mein baat kar raha hoon.kitna acha tha.mujhe toh patha hi nahi tha ki mera bhai itna talented hai.main toh kal raat hi tujhse baat karna chahtha tha lekin mujhe kuch kaam aa gaya tha aur jaana pada.but I am so proud of you Kesar.ab mujhe pakka yakeen ho gaya hai ki tujhe kaamiyab hone se koi nahi rok sakta.tu khud bhi nahi..."and his bhai hugged him.He did not know what to do.His hands were hanging to his sides in a useless manner completely frozen.He then closed his eyes and hugged him back."Thank you bhai..." and he managed to come up with a small smile but then he opened his eyes and his smile disappeared.
Standing in front of him was Gulaal with a blank expression on her face.Their eyes locked for a moment,neither knowing how to deal with this.Just then Vasant's voice broke the moment,"chal acha hua tu jaldi uth gaya.tere saath thoda time spend kar sakunga na.main jaanta hoon tere waapis aane ke baad hum pehle ki tarah ek doosre ke saath zyaada waqt nahi guzaar paaye hain aur galti meri hi hai.ab main use sudharna chahtha hoon..."Each word uttered by Vasant was like an arrow piercing his heart.He looked at Gulaal and he could see her lips quiver and her unshed tears.He could see that she was trying hard to control herself but Vasant's words seemed unearable to her and she left the room hastily.He wanted to shout out ,"Gulaal"but no sound came out of his mouth.This was all so messy.Just then Vasant broke the hug.His face must have expressed the turmoil raging inside because Vasant bhai immediately asked him,"Kya hua Kesar,tu itna pareshaan kyun dikh raha hai?"and before he could stop himself he spoke,"woh ...Gulaal..."and then he stopped.What was he doing?What was he going to say? "bhai,woh main Gulaal,aapki honewaali patni se bahut pyaar karta hoon.Kal raat main hosh kho baitha aur maine use kiss kiya...aur ab mujhe patha nahi chal raha main kya karoon.aap meri madad karenge please".He frowned as he thought about it.
"Gulaal...haan mujhe tujhse uske baare mein baat karni thi Kesar".Vasant's tone was serious and he looked quite concerned and tensed.Kesar asked him,"Kya hua bhai...Gulaal ne kuch kaha kya...".He saw Vasant bhai smile bitterly,"wohi toh baat hai na Kesar...woh mujhse kuch kehti nahi hai...main jitni bhi koshish karoon woh apne khayalon ko,apni soch ko mujhse share nahi karti.aur aaj subah woh achaanak kehne lagi ki uski ek dost,jo yahaan akeli rehti hai,uski tabiyaat kharaab hai aur woh kuch din uske yahaan rehna chaahthi hai,uski dekhbaal karne ke liye...".Kesar's heart almost stopped.He could not hear anything after that point.Everything had become mute.He could only listen to his heartbeat which was now racing and a buzz in his ears which was making him dizzy.His hands and feet went cold.Every other thought like guilt,confusion,happiness ceased to exist.Allhe could think of was fear,which took hold of him entirely,fear of Gulaal going away-no...no...Gulaal can't go anywhere.She just couldn't.How could she ever think of leaving this house?...of leaving him...no no she can't...he won't let her...usne soch bhi kaise liya ki main use jaane doonga...nahi main use kahin nahi jaane doonga...kahin nahi...He could hear Vasant's voice in the distance saying, "main jaanta hoon ki koi aur baat hai...woh mujhse kuch chupa rahi hoon...lekin main jaan nahi paa raha hoon Kesar".He paused for a second and then muttered in a reluctant voice, "shaayad woh tujhse baat kare...waise kal raat tum dono ke beech kuch hua toh nahi na...".Kesar looked at him wildly, "huh...".Vasant continued,"mera matlab koi jhagda ya aisa kuch..."Kesar nodded his head to indicate no."acha phir aisi kaun si baat hai jo woh mujhse door rehna chahthi hai...Kesar tu patha laga yaar.meri madad kar de...".Kesar stood there not being able to meet his brother's eyes because he knew the reason why Gulaal was leaving as he thought silently,"woh aap se nahi bhai,mujhse door rehna chahthi hai.lekin main use jaane nahi de sakta kyunki main uske bina nahi reh paaunga.mujhe maaf kar do bhai.lekin yehi sach hai.maine bahut koshish ki apne mann ko samjhaane ki,aap dono se door rehne ki,aap ki khushiyon se door rehne ki par ab aur nahi.main thak gaya hoon bhai main thak gaya aur main haar gaya hoon apne dil ke haathon haar gaya hoon...bhai mujhe maaf kar dena...".He spoke out, "main jaake baat karta hoon bhai...woh kahin nahi jaayegi...".
Vasant
Vasant looked at Kesar's retreating back with concern.Something was wrong,he could feel it in his bones.A few minutes ago the thought of Gulaal was troubling him and now his brother's behaviour was confusing him.Kesar was not himself this morning.He looked quite happy coming down,he swore he had heard him whistle a tune but then as soon as he saw him,his face lost all colour.He looked troubled.The thing that bothered him the most was he was not looking him in the eye.He was avoiding his gaze.Why?What happened?Did anything happen with Gulaal?He was hiding something just like Gulaal.Did they have a fight but then if that was the case why would he be so happy?No it was something else...What was it?He hadn't a clue about it.
He sat down in one of the chairs contemplating the events of the past few days.He had been feeling quite happy after a long time.For the first time he had a feeling that things were finally going the way it should be, especially his relationship with Gulaal.He would not deny that he had almost given up the fight for her at one point of time.It was bogging him down-the constant fear that he would lose Gulaal and a sense of competition with his own baby brother and the sad thing about the whole affair was that he was the only one aware of the situation.The other two were so engrossed in their own exclusive world that they had no idea the pain it was causing him.No,he didn't blame them at all but come on... he was not a saint...he was a human being and with each passing day the thin veneer of patience that he had so painstakenly mastered over the last five years had almost reached the point of breaking and it almost did when he saw them together in Kesar's room that day.He knew that it was all just innocent.They were just goofing around as usual but somehow that day he just couldn't control himself.He also knew that both Kesar and gulaal did get an inkling about his wierd behaviour but surprisingly neither of them made any mention of it.Kesar stood silent and Gulaal tried to smoothen the situation which in this case only worsened his mood.The way she made a mock complaint about Kesar set him off..."why couldn't she ever be like this with me?so carefree...without any inhibitions..."
The thought just swept away all of his anger and he could only feel a deep sadness take hold of him."I love her so much yet there's a part of her heart that I can never reach...the part which Kesar has an easy access to...". They were driving back from the party which was a complete wash out when he got this sudden revelation.He had been so busy cribbing and crying about Gulaal's closeness to Kesar that he had not been paying much attention to his own relationship with her.Maybe he should make her aware of his feelings for her,how important she is to him,what she means to him...He had never been one to speak out about his feelings and stuff.It made him feel awkward but desperate situations needed desperate measures and this one definitely counted as a desperate situation.With each passing moment he could feel Gulaal slip away farther from him and this made him resort to that sudden confession,the blurting out of his feelings which he had never spoken of.Later on he did think that maybe it was a bit too much,he should have waited for an approppriate moment.He thought with an amused smile, even Gulaal looked quite shocked.From that day on he stopped thinking about Kesar and Gulaal's bond and instead just focussed on his equation with Gulaal.He started spending more time with her,took her out to dates,brought her flowers.He did everything that he could to make her happy and she was happy or at least she did smile but sometimes he did notice that her smile never reached her eyes.Sometimes she would be present with him physically but her thoughts would be million miles away.He also noticed that during this time she was avoiding Kesar.Why?Did she sense that he was not comfortable with her closeness to his brother?He wanted to ask her but he did not think he would be able to handle her answer.So he stayed quiet,pretending that everything was fine.Then something changed in Gulaal.She was happy,the familiar glint in her eyes was back.She talked to him,joked with him and sometimes even teased him.What happened?He wanted to know and he soon did come to know the reason-the one his heart had already known but refused to accept-Kesar.She was back on talking terms with Kesar.
He should be feeling angry but to his surprise he was not angry at all.He was starting to accept the fact that Gulaal needed Kesar in her life to be happy.Maybe it was the same for Kesar.For the first time he did not mind it.It was better this way-at least she wasn't moping around and as long as she was smiling he could deal with the rest.He knew he was being selfish but he didn't care.He loved her, wanted her,he had waited for her for the last five years and so he could afford to be a little selfish about this.He was stunned at his own despicable attitude but then he had never claimed to be noble or selfless...He knew the right thing to do was set her free,let her follow her happiness,but why should he when she had no idea about what she wanted.He was confident that if given a proper chance his love will make her forget everything.He can keep her happy and as for love...well his love was more than enough for both of them.
This acceptance made it easy for him to be content with the situation which helped him to attempt to mend his shaky relationship with his brother.That was one thing he really missed.He knew Kesar's love for Gulaal was stopping both of them from going back to the way they used to be but Kesar was young,he would learn to move on.He has to live,experience and enjoy.In time he will get to meet another fine young woman who would make him happy.This thought scared away any feeling of guilt or uneasiness in his mind and it helped him to take a step towards his younger brother. He genuinely wanted to be there for him and was completely blown away by his talent.He was proud of him and was very,very happy for him.Everything was going great for the first time after a long period of confusion and right then Gulaal had to announce her decision to stay away from the house for a few days.That gave him a feeling of unease.Kesar's peculiar behaviour was making the already troublesome situation all the more confusing but at the same time he knew that if anyone could stop Gulaal from leaving the house it was Kesar.She would listen to no one else...he thought with a caustic smile...not even him,her soon to be husband...
Kesar
He ran towards Gulaal's room and entered it without knocking.She was not there.Where was she?He had already checked the kitchen and the other rooms.Where did she go?Was she avoiding him?His mind was in a turmoil.He was walking along the corridor when he almost bumped into his mother. "Kesar,dhyan kahaan hai tera?Dekh ke chal...kya hua beta...tu itna pareshaan kyun lag raha hai?..."
Kesar tried to soothe his mother's worry as he replied, "kuch nahi hua mujhe baa,aap ne kya Gulaal ko dekha hai...main kab se use doondh raha hoon.woh kahin dikh nahi rahi hai". "Gulaal...woh toh chatt par hai beta.achanak se baarish shuru ho gayi na toh woh kapde nikaal rahi hai jo sukhane ke liey rakhe the...".Kesar smiled,"theek hai toh wohi jaata hoon..."and he quickly took the stairs to the roof top.
He opened the door and there she was trying to take the clothes from the hanger.There was a strong wind which was making her task difficult.Some of the clothes were falling on the ground and it seemed a difficult task for one person to handle alone.Kesar rushed to help her and in an instant he helped her out picking the fallen clothes from the ground and the remaining ones from the hanger.He then held her hand and ran to the little shed to escape from the rain.As soon as they reached the shed Gulaal freed her hand from his hold and asked him in an even tone,her face completely expressionless, "tu yahaan kya kar raha hai Kesar?"
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