What if I had held you?
I wish I had loved you,
What if I had kissed you?
I would have something to hold on to...
I made a life with you but no memories,
Stayed with you but didn't live.
Frozen on my lips are so many thankyous and sorries,
Alas! But, of yours I have no memories...
What if I had hugged you?
Your fragrance would still linger on,
I wish I had cherished you,
But now the chance has gone.
When was the last time I smiled with you?
There is no memory...
When did I cry in your arms?
There are no chapters to our story
Cause I didn't write them...
And now all I do is regret...what if, what if
Just what if...
Spring was here and the estate gardens bloomed under tender morning rays. The fifth morning of spring, stood at the threshold of her window but didn't enter. She couldn't welcome spring; she didn't want to for she wanted to mourn, mourn in cold rigid winter.
But did she have the right to mourn after him?
They say you mourn the departure of your beloved but had he been her beloved in every sense?
For a moment she couldn't get herself to answer the inner question but that didn't mean she didn't love him. She loved him; she always had but couldn't express it every day. And that she regretted today.
A drop of salty water escaped her eye as she stood at the window pane in the wee hours of morning on a spring day. Another tear escaped as she reminisced him, her husband whose death she mourned...
"So darling, let's get to some home work now" he whispered huskily in her ear as she stirred a little. Morning light hit their bedroom mirror and illuminated the room casting a golden glow.
He had woken up and saw his beautiful wife sleeping with her back to him. The mere sight made him hard...he thought will he ever be able to control himself around her but another insane part of him knew-Never.
Seeing her stir, he went and huskily whispered sweet nothings in her ear and nipped at it lightly. She smiled in her sleep turning to be greeted warmly in her husband's arms.She had come late last night, the meet had been delayed and then she had to prepare for a presentation. When she came to her room she saw her husband in deep sleep.
"Maan" she gasped as his hands went into her top, caressing her waist while he was above her, touching his lips to her face.
"I've waited a whole night Geet, dare you stop me" came his baritone reply.
Geet was lost in the passion his body ignited, the chasm his fingers created around her body. They were on fire and ready when her mobile alarm went off like a siren, breaking the moment. Geet was still under him when the alarm reminded her of the breakfast presentation she had to give.
"Oh my!" She mumbled
"I have a ppt this morning, Maan I need to go" she said looking up at him guiltily.
Maan was in no mood to let her go, hell he was busy too, he had meetings lined up too; but he made time for them. He had always made time for them, for their relationship!
But seeing her face etched with worry he didn't have a heart to refuse her, moreover he didn't want it to be an obligation, it was meant to be love. Pure unconditional love.
"Fine, but the imposition doubles the next time around" he said winking at her, trying to relieve her guilt.
And she walked off their bed.
"I wish I had spared a few moments with you Maan, I wish I had not been so bias to you.
I wish I hadn't taken you for granted, Ohh Maan, I wish..." And she started crying.
Every morning when she woke up to see an empty bed all she could think of was the last morning they had spent together, the last of those moments which she had ruined like most of the times because of her work.
She cursed herself every minute of her life now for always putting work before him. She hated herself now for fighting with him...
"Geet you are not going. Tomorrow is Annie's engagement" Maan explained to Geet in the coolest tone he could.
He had been back from a tiring day at office, and found Geet home. Surprising! he thought to himself; maybe she was home for her imposition. He smirked at her but she went up straight to him.
"Maan I am leaving for Miami today" she said expecting him to understand that it was important.
But this time Maan was adamant, after all, his younger sister was getting engaged the day after and how would it be if his wife wouldn't be present at the ceremony.
"I told you Geet and that's final, you are not going" he stated.
His tone, steel like, like the one he used in office for his employees.
"Then get it straight into your head Mr. Maan Singh Khurana, I am going for work and it is important"
Geet also was in no mood to listen to him.
Maybe, because he had spoiled her by keeping her wishes above all else.
"More important than our family?" He touched the right nerve.
He knew she loved their family, maybe even more than he did. She just didn't express. Be it supervising Dadimaa's medicines or helping Annie with her shopping or staying up all night when she was ill, geet had done it all and managed her office too. Only she couldn't manage their relationship.
He knew their bond had weakened over time, he knew there was an unseen distance between them lately and he was trying his best to bridge the gap; only if even she was willing to. It took two to Tango, and here they both needed to carry the baggage of their relationship, to work upon their withering marriage.
"I asked you something Geet. Is it more important than our family" Maan flared looking at her blank face.
She looked at him for a split second and then walked away to her room.
When he reached their room he saw her bag packed while she put away last of her documents in the hand bag.
Maan wanted to say something, something harsh, something that would hit her terribly in the gut. His anguish knew no bounds, his anger was in palpable. But somehow he couldn't bring himself to strike a conversation with her. Somehow, his words remained stuck at the tip of his tongue. Call it providence or divine providence but their silent tiff was prevented from an escalation.
She had been a busy woman, she didn't have time but so had he. He saw their relationship falling apart and the sound of shatter didn't go unnoticed by her either. But the deal was more important for her, it would take her career many notches higher. She couldn't leave this. Not at this moment.
"I'm sorry Maan" she said over her shoulder before leaving.
"I'm sorry Maan" she cried clutching his shirt that she now wore every night to feel him. Still the shirt never filled up for his absence, how could it? In fact it reminded of him in every breath she inhaled.
She thought back to a time that could make her smile, she tried to remember moments they had spent together but surprisingly she couldn't recollect any memories. Nothing was coming back to her at this hour of grief, No memories washed by, It seemed she had been too busy to make any.
True she had made a life with him but now she realized that she hadn't made any memories.
He had initiated every lovemaking, he had put his lips to her for a kiss, he had pulled her into his arms every night...had she ever made him feel the way he had made her- special?
They say love knows not its depth until the hour of separation... And at this hour of separation she knew the depth of her love, the intensity of her feelings. Yet she couldn't undo all that was done, she couldn't undo his death.
Geet had called up Maan only twice from Miami, once he had picked up and talked to her for a very short duration and the other time the call went unanswered. She had cared less because she knew he too was a busy man.
The day she returned home, she couldn't find anyone. The butler told her that everyone was at the hospital.
"Chote saab ko Cancer hai to woh..." He couldn't complete his sentence as Geet literally dropped her hand bag and made a run for the hospital.
"Maan...cancer" she kept mumbling to herself as her insides shivered.
Sweat beads formed on her forehead as catastrophic thoughts cornered her mind. A hundred dreadful possibilities with another thousand awful outcomes clustered her mind, her feeble heart beating at a furious pace thinking about Maan. Her Maan.
The driver stopped outside the hospital and her fingers dialed Annie's number on their own accord. Her hands trembled as she stood at the atrium waiting for Annie to answer the ring.
"Haan bhabhi" Annie picked up.
"Where's Maan Annie" Geet's voice quivered.
"Bhabhi you come to JSK hospital, we'll talk here" Annie tried to maintain her calm.
"I am here Annie" she said about to cry as her worst fears were coming true.
"Come up on the 9th floor bhabhi, room no. 911" came her reply and Geet almost ran to the elevator.
Her heart thudded loudly as she was approaching the floor. The elevator ting brought her to reality as she walked out towards the room Annie had said. Her eyes were red, her gait jittery. She had been strong through most times because Maan was there by her side, but today that very being was endangered.
With a thumping heart and trembling hands she opened the door that read 911, only to undo another tsunami of tears from her eyes as she saw him there on the hospital bed. Wires and electrodes attached to his muscular body that now looked so weak, his beautiful face that had paled and his cheeks that had sunken.
"Maan" his name escaped her lips as a sigh and Daadi, Annie and Dev looked back at her.
Maan opened his eyes slowly, only to see her angelic face, his Mishty was here. His eyes twinkled in spite of the pain that tore through his body.
Seeing him smile, every wall broke, a dam burst and Geet broke down crying copiously at the door.
The atmosphere of the hospital had made her sick and the worst nightmare was to see Maan in the awful condition, it all took her through a path full of thorns. It all took a toll on her jet-lagged mind and body. She was still crying when Dadi maa came over helping her up and took her out.
Seating her on the couch outside she clasped Geet's hands lightly, assuring her of something she herself wasn't sure of, of Maan's life.
"Dadi maa cancer?" Geet hissed in pain.
She couldn't speak more as her body still reeled in sobs.
"Stomach Cancer beta" Savitri Devi said, calm and composed.
"How? When did this happen. Daadi I have been away only two weeks and Maan..." She trailed off not able to complete her sentence.
"It was three days after Annie's engagement." Daadi maa started to narrate the incident that lead to the discovery.
"We sat for dinner when Maan suddenly had a pain shoot up in his stomach. He didn't eat and threw up thrice that night. The next morning I called up the doctor but before he could come Maan threw up again, this time blood" she said smoothly but her speech was slurry.
After all it was her grandson she was talking about. At this setting age of life, when she would have expected Maan's kids, she was not even sure if Maan himself would make it. But the older woman controlled herself for the girl in front of her, for his grandson's wife who was now lost.
"We came here, tests were done and after the biopsy they confirmed it was indeed cancer." She mumbled, hushing at the word 'cancer.'
"But how Dadi maa? He is so young. He doesn't drink... or smoke. Then how?" Geet pleaded, now holding her grandmother's hand tight.
"No answer to it Geet. No answer" she murmured equally helpless at the situation.
"But beta, we need to be strong for him, he has to battle for his life and we have to be his strength" Savitri Devi said putting up a brave front.
"And moreover, we haven't lost hope. There are pretty good chances. Radio therapy is on and he just needs the will power that will come from you" said the older woman wiping Geet's tears.
However, she didn't tell her that his 'pretty good' chances of survival were 8-10 percent and that the maximum he had was a month or two. The tumor was malignant and had spread to various visceral organs. There was nothing the doctors could do but try!
Ignorant to real facts, Geet gathered herself up, wiped her face and took a deep breath before entering his room.
Dev and Annie were laughing about something and Maan too was smiling faintly. His smile broadened seeing her and this time she walked in without losing balance, clutching at her heart tightly,
As if on cue, Dev and Annie got up to leave to let the couple be for a while. After they had left Geet sat beside Maan on the bed, careful not to block any wires. He stretched his arm and encircled it around her engulfing her small body into his, filling his weak body with hers.
She looked up at him and smiled, even though her eyes were pained, her face was contorted but she still managed to smile for him. Maan knew how guilty she was feeling, how her regret was gnawing at her conscious. Somehow he knew that now his time was limited so he didn't waste any. Leaning forward he took her lips in his.
She suddenly felt alive after hours, feeling Maan, feeling his heart beat, feeling him move against her made her alive. He tasted of hospital and medicines and tiredness but overpowering all was Maan. He tasted of her Maan! The kiss was gentle but intense, a kiss of reunion yet one which would eventually mark their separation. A kiss of togetherness, but one, which would tear them apart.
After parting away she couldn't control anymore and threw her arms around him, hugging him close.
"I'm sorry Maan, sorry I left" she sobbed lightly.
The tears she had been holding back could no longer be held as Maan's hands soothed her back.
"Sorry" was all she ranted till she was in his arms.
"Shh, I'm fine Mishty" he whispered pulling her out of the hug.
"I'm fine" he reassured her 'But I will not be fine' he thought to himself.
She nodded her head in affirmative, convincing herself that they will tide over this. She was a strong woman, he had taught her to be strong and now she would use the very strength she derived from him, for him.
"Yes Maan, you are fine and we will tide over this. We will go through this" Geet shot back, now charged up.
She will fight it with Maan, for Maan.
"Now that's like my Geet Maan Singh Khurana" he playfully pulled her cheek, eliciting a chuckle from her.
"Geet Maan Singh Khurana" she muttered to herself.
That fateful day had broken her completely. She had lost everything that day even before Maan died. Those painful gamma rays sessions, sedatives that made Maan sleep for days together, his incoherency and inability to function. It had killed her heart slowly. To see her headstrong, independent husband at the mercy of doctors and medicines had killed her day in and day out. But she had maintained a brave front, she had held onto hope for dear life of her husband.
Even when the doctors had given up and asked them to take him home-which was their code of saying that his days were numbered; she had still clung to hope. Hope of his life, because she knew there was despair at the other end and that would be her constant companion throughout life if Maan wouldn't make it..
Maan was in immense pain and slipped in and out of consciousness frequently the day they got him home. His pain was excruciating and Geet knew it, she even knew he suffered many times over suppressing his shrieks of pain just so that she didn't get frightened. She sat through his side the whole night, taking in his sleeping form. She sat through his side telling him to let go, to let go of the pain and cough and scream and shriek if that gave him any relief!
Somewhere deep down she did know that this was last of their times together.
"Geet" he mumbled and she jerked open her eyes.
"Yes Maan, you want something?"
It was the time just before dawn, cold air blew curtains over their window pane and a setting moon shone the last of its moonlight into their room. Winter was at its decline, a season was going to end; a day was going to begin!
The time before morning, the transition period when one phase merged into another. It was dawn. Neither morning, nor night and he lay there on their bed, subconsciously staring up at his Geet.
"Geet, I love you. Always have, always will" he muttered with misty eyes.
"I have lived a life with you and it was more than worthwhile. With all the distance and gaps unfulfilled, with all complains and problems unresolved and after all that was said and unsaid- I had a beautiful life with you." He coughed slightly, his abdomen paining like a thousand stones.
Geet immediately moved to get water but he held her wrist in a light grip.
"No Mishty, wait." he said as his cough subsided.
"Be with me" was all he could say as he felt his cheeks wet with her tears. Those kohl smudged trails dropped down onto his face as she cried seeing him go.
His breathing became ragged and the pain started subsiding as he could see light engulfing him.
"I am sorry Geet" was what he said before breathing his last.
Wild Winds chased into their bedroom, coldness engulfing them as a new morning set in. A morning he didn't wait to see, a morning that took him away from her.
Geet sat motionless, caressing his face, loving him the last time around as his head lay in her lap.
We weren't short of moments to love,
It wasn't as if there were no seasons of love,
There were times when you weren't there
And then there were times when I wasn't there...
Geet walked away towards the cupboard after closing her window to spring. Her life had no space for mirth.
Opening the cupboard to pull out another of his shirts, her shivering hands grazed the next pile and the whole thing fell down. She bent down to pick it up and a sheet of paper fell off from his white shirt pocket. That was her favorite shirt. She loved to see him in White, he knew.
Geet opened the folded paper carelessly only to reveal his letter. His last letter.
Mishty,
Someday I know you will find this letter but I still hope you never do. I hope you learn to live without me. I hope you learn to move on. As much as I want to tell you about my love I don't want to be a hurdle in your path for moving on.
Don't forget me Geet, I know you never will.
Only make me a part of your memories.
Remember me when you see white roses, smile in remembrance when rain wets your face. Don't remember me every day but feel me inside you daily and then you will be able to move on. I promise you will.
As I go away, what will remain of me?
The ghost within your eyes
The whisper in your sighs.
See, believe and I am always there.
Yours always (till the last breath and even after that),
Maan.
Geet smiled after so many days. She knew he knows her so well. He wrote this letter to teach her how to move on. When she had thought she had no one to guide her after Maan, when she had believed she had no memories of him; he had come gushing back to her in the form of his letter.
Like always he took her guilt away, took her regret away.
She kissed the letter but the scent of the paper made her nauseous all of a sudden. Leaving the paper there she rushed to the bathroom throwing up, coughing loudly. Splashing water on her face she looked back at her reflection in the mirror. And realization dawned.
She had missed her cycle last month and hadn't got it this month too, she was pregnant. Yes, she was pregnant. Geet thought with a bitter-sweet feeling to herself. She was going to be a mother, mother of Maan's child! The feeling brought a smile to her face, and equally appalling tears to her eyes.
She came out of the bathroom. Picking up Maan's letter she walked towards the window and pushed open the panes, letting bright sunlight come into their room. Spring breeze splashed across her face and she felt her Maan kissing her cheeks.
"I'm going to be a father Mishty!"
She heard the breeze whisper silently, she heard her Maan murmur lovingly!
It was the fifth day of spring and now the season didn't stand at her threshold as she let it in. She found her Maan back and this time she wouldn't let him go.
"I found a new you Maan. I found a new you..." she said aloud clutching her tummy.
But my main motive behind posting it was to spread the message lurking under it.
Seize the day my friends! Live with people, not work!
Love,
Frosted Starlit.
(Ducking under the bed now!)
Do leave your likes, comments, criticism. I know this story will predominantly have the latter :P
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