Chapter 2: Blind men and an elephant
"We need to talk."
Maan's words kept haunting her for the rest of the week. They had had a short conversation about the way things were going on between them. Maan insisted that they take a break from the mundane and probably a break from themselves too and talk about the paradigm shift. She hadn't seen the need for such a dramatic declaration but then again, in that tiny apartment walls seem to closing in on her husband and the abrupt transmutation of his demeanor had rendered her speechless.
He was like an animal trapped in a small cage after years of being free in the wild.
By the time she actually understood what sort of a man her husband was, they were already revalidating their relationship. She felt physically sick at her own revelation and the "A-Ha" moment that she had come across not less than few weeks ago. Shouldn't that revelation come before Dev fiasco had even begun? Both of them were tied up in their own little cocoon and when the time came to face their own feelings, their innermost existential whims weren't even explored. They hadn't had an extended dating phase or "getting-to-know" phase; the way she always called it. They were always in some or the other sort of mess or misunderstanding or some complex and unique situation which didn't require either of them to analyze something fundamental and basic about one another. When they came out of these situations in flying colors, they easily assumed that everything was going to be dandy in coming future.
Both were completely wrong about that.
She was heartbroken when she first realized that Maan has grossly misinterpreted her desire to work. It was that inexperience in her - with him and with the rest of the world which had made her react that way. They were married for few months and known each other for handful of them before, but their interactions had severely lacked the depth of understanding which could allow them to overcome the curve balls that life threw at them. It was really unfortunate that they had to learn everything the hard way – by going through tears, hurt and disappointment.
She had taken his initial rejection to heart. It had pricked her every time she set her foot outside the house. She could feel the worrying eyes that were stuck on her back gently pleading her to be safe and return home early. She was touched by the continual care but really, it was time for him to let her be. She was finally on a path to make a difference in their lives and help him lay a foundation to their future but his constant care and protective streak smothered her making her steps quiver.
She always turned back and smiled at him exactly when one of her feet was on the other side of the threshold. And when her other foot also went outside the door, she turned around and walked forward without a backward glance. It was a routine that they never missed even when they weren't on talking terms. She hoped he understood what the job meant for her and how much it meant for her to accept that fact. He was right when he had mentioned about the cruelty that the society can inflict upon on another human. She wondered if people were making those kinds of statements about her without knowing a thing found some sort of relief by doing so. Or was it a way of revalidating their own existence by trying to make her insignificant.
She wasn't really hurt by the scorn of people around her. It was the sheer indifference at her work or even herself that made her mad at the world. She mused if Maan was actually hinting about these kinds of things. With her limited exposure to education and even work life, life at work wasn't that easy as she cut it out to be. Working at Maan's office had been much easier and perhaps a tad bit simpler. Her boss had been Maan who really was a great boss to begin with.
It was only recently she wondered what he might be going through when she is being someone else's secretary now. She hadn't given it much thought earlier given how work gobbled up most of her spare time. She realized that it wasn't the possessiveness that had made him cranky. It was loss of her companionship at workplace which had him grounded most of the times. She was the anomaly in an office full of monochromatic redundancy. Maybe it was all about her, after all.
However she didn't give up her job or her responsibility. She worked and worked and worked.
She greatly appreciated Maan's help around the house. She was surprised at the fact that he had wordlessly did chores when she came late from work or lay down few moments before picking up the regular household activities. The first time she saw him seriously working around with a mop fumbling here and there she had ran to him and hugged him from behind. He had turned around to see Geet sobbing silly. She had vigorously shaken her head when he asked what was wrong with her. He had tried to wheedle an answer out of her but in vain. He had given up after few minutes of inquisition and had simply held her for many moments. She had kissed his cheek and skipped away to kitchen to start on dinner. He had scratched his head at her out of the normal behavior and moments later had continued to mop the house; fumbling and toddling.
In coming weeks, his work had picked up a great deal and he was looking for a steady progression at work. From being a new employee who hardly knew things to one of the indispensible architects, his growth rate was exponential. He worked more than anyone and slaved as much as humanely possible. He had decided that he wasn't going to adjust to this kind of life permanently. This wasn't what Maan Singh Khurana was meant to be. He had no qualms in leading a life the way he currently was. But this isn't what he had been working on for entire life. He wasn't ready to let all his hard work over the years go into drain become some woman found a loophole in legal documents.
He hadn't missed disappointment in Geet's eyes when she saw the house in exact same situation as she had left it in the morning. She had given him a look which held him accountable for the state of house and had sighed. That sigh had managed to choke his throat and render him speechless. In the excitement of the work her was doing, he had forgotten his responsibilities outside of his office work. He wished Geet to say him something; anything for that matter. She had silently performed all the chores till late in night without even smallest bit of complaints. Her silence hammered in his chest made him impossible to swallow his own saliva without inflicting too much pain. He wished she would throw in a tantrum or at least grumble about him not being helpful. But she didn't. It had truly hurt him when her expectation of him to help her around the house slowly dissolved with course of time. Many weeks into this arrangement, she was pleasantly surprised when she saw everything neat and tidy at home. If I had known that you would be performing the chores, I would have come a little later, she had said massaging her feet. He felt a cold hand was squeezing his heart. She hadn't realized that her rational declaration would punch his heart this bad. She had said that since she had to run around the office to get the work finished on time and not to mention run to bus stop to make it to home on time. However the thin veil of hurt in his eyes only deepened.
They had decided to talk about everything that was happening around them as a starting point. Neither knew where to start from since things like these didn't have any starting point. It's a continuous evolution of things which by constant mutation changes in intensity but never really impact as a whole in small intervals of time. But if one were to stand outside the entire process and took a stock of things, then they would know how changes have changed the system entirely. Once that is realized, documenting and understanding the changes gets far simpler.
They had decided to just sit and talk on a Friday evening given how they both had weekend off. Geet was surprised at this but had accepted it without much ado.
When she came home on Friday evening, she saw him hanging small festival lights on their balcony. The small balcony had provided them with much warmth and coziness over the past few months and they had associated it to a place where they can escape to; from the world and sometimes from each other too.
"They were pretty much useless at work and I bought them. For a very cheap price, if I may add", he said not looking her. She breathed an audible sigh of relief. She pinked when she heard him chuckle. He had known what she was thinking when she saw those lights.
"Something smells good. Did you buy dinner?" He jumped from the stool and stood for a moment to appreciate his handiwork. He gave a satisfied nod after checking for a moment.
"I was with our cafeteria vendor finalizing next week's menu. And then I thought, why not?" She splashed cold water on her face and sighing in content when coolness spread over to her neck. Once freshened, she checked Maan's work in balcony and admired.
"Here", Maan offered a filled plate. He had already unpacked dinner and arranged a platter for her. She muttered a "thanks" and sat down on the comforter he had laid down on balcony.
"This is nice", she said chewing her food slowly. She didn't know what it was that made the evening go slow. Even on Fridays they mostly had same routine as other days since both worked for few hours on Saturday again. And there were weekly chores and groceries to take care of.
Maan didn't respond to her but merely nodded. The quiet and slow dinner under blinking lights was a drastic change from any normal day.
"It's been a while since we have had this kind of time right?" Geet said taking second serving of curry. She hadn't realized how famished she actually was.
"We have been working a lot these days Geet. So much that we have lost track of ourselves and each other in the process. We are sacrificing ourselves for ourselves." He sighed.
Was this his way of starting the topic? She didn't know.
"Sacrifice Maan? I thought we were working to regain everything you have lost and not sacrifice some grand charity reason. We are doing this for ourselves, aren't we?" An underlying harshness was evident in her voice. She wasn't too incorrect in her presumption but quite frankly, he hadn't really known what she felt of the entire situation. He was only six months late in asking that question.
"I know that now Geet. But every time I saw your exhausted form something heavy settled in my stomach. I couldn't see you give out best years of your life to a cause like this. We both know that this is a temporary situation. And even if it isn't, I would ensure that I would rebuild my empire all over again." He said looking straight in her eyes.
"Till then what Maan? What will I do till you find yourself back on your feet? Sit idly in my parents' house? Or sit here at home and perform rituals to get back the pride you lost in process. Do you think the world is nave enough to make this happen?" She didn't bother to hide her disagreement.
She wasn't angry and neither was he. They were merely listening to each other's perspective.
"I wouldn't want you anywhere but here Geet. I have no qualms if you work, honestly. But is it required for you to work for fourteen to sixteen hours a day? I know that whatever you are doing, you are doing for us. But I don't want you to be burned out completely in that process. I have seen people in your position work before Geet and back in our company, we also had people like your bosses. I am not saying that he is wrong only that he is too driven to see anything else – even his secretary who goes lunch-less more than three times a week to meet a deadline that he didn't plan properly for. I cannot and will not accept those kinds of people in your life." He breathed hard. It hadn't taken him too long to figure out the kind of man Geet's boss was. Geet wouldn't understand that kind of a man and given how her entire experienced had revolved around him, she would only think that this was how real world operated.
"When they said there will be lot of work, I honestly didn't expect that it would quantitate to this amount. They are running short of resources and my boss's disorganized way of operating doesn't help the cause", she sighed. It was probably first time she was opening up in front of him about the way she truly felt about her work.
She too was a proud woman who never gave up on herself because the work got a little tougher. He had loved that attitude in her and in the way she fought for what was right.
"I guess I didn't realize the toll the work was taking on me and on us. I lost sight of what made us happy Geet. I realized that I was also turning to a person like your boss. I was and unfortunately I still am so driven that am unable to distinguish my priorities. I have started to realign what I want in my life. I promise you that", he said wryly. He handed her a glass of cola and sipped on his own. Late summer showers had drenched the premises and the smell of soil hung in air as an old lover. He inhaled deeply. She was resting her head on railing and looking outside the balcony.
"I don't think it was ever your intention to hurt me Maan. I know you more than that. But in moments like those bitter evenings when you suddenly experience a blast of loneliness hitting you out of nowhere when words from you bombard my sanity. Those were the weakest moments in my life Maan, when I doubted your sincerity and your empathy by responding to those words probably much harsher than I should have." She couldn't look at him. She hadn't forgotten the words she had spoken in lieu of the argument they had had about something very inane. Inane when thought about it now but back in that one moment it had become a very important affair.
"I had taken lots of things for granted you know? There are so many things to know and things to do to be a part of family and also balance a hectic career. I didn't know that my choices and my words would actually hurt you one day. I am most disappointed in myself Geet. Because I broke the promise I made you – to make you always happy", his index finger ran on the rim of glass he was holding and he said it with utter nonchalance.
She peered at him up close and didn't miss the strain in his jaw as he clenched teeth in cold anger.
She knew that for a change, she had to make a decision. She had to be the man in this relationship and get her husband out of this self-deprecating funk. They still had a long way to go and for now except for each other, they really didn't have much to hang on to.
"Look Maan. We can either keep talking about this for next two decades to come or we can put it behind us and move on. I don't know how we are going to move on, but I truly want to. I know that I don't like being angry with your words or be disappointed in myself for my unruly tongue. I want this to work. I want us to work. Isn't that enough for a starting point?" She decided in a definite tone.
"I think it's a wonderful starting point", he said with a smile after many moments of contemplation. Her girlish exclamation of happiness made him grin and responded to her hug with equal enthusiasm. Unlike old Geet, she didn't talk about anything and just listened to the silence when he held her in his arms. He vaguely mused about her who had grown up more in past six months than in her entire lifetime. For the first time, she had taken a charge of their lives and he knew that it wasn't going to be the last time either. He realized that he didn't mind that one bit.
She would never forget this phase in her life and she was sure that neither would he. Days like these would come and haunt them in future. But when that happened she would know exactly what she had to do and maybe she would even see it coming from miles and do everything in her possession to lessen the impact.
Till then, they would simply live.
Completed.
Cricket
Anupamaa
