Jokes - Page 72

When the daughter turns 18, the father is ecstatic to be writing the last alimony cheque to his ex-wife.

"Thank God this torment is over," he exclaims as he asks the daughter to tell him what her mother said when she hears that was the last cheque she'd ever get from him.

"And tell me the truth," he says.

"I want to know her exact expression when you tell her that."

"Don't worry."

The girl hands her mum the cheque and returns to her dad's house to relay the answer. The man is waiting, anxiously, "So, darling, what was her reaction?"

"Well, she asked me to tell you that you're not my father

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver just insulted me" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your dog."

Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"

Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so
I can have a NEW ONE every morning!

When his printer's type began to grow faint, a man called a local repair shop.

The friendly person who answered the phone said the printer probably only needed to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he advised the caller that he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the caller asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "He says we usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry. Don't have that."

"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

One Saturday morning I got up early. I put on my long johns. I
dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to
the garage to put my golf clubs in the trunk, and down the driveway
I went.

Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential
down pour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind
is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, I returned to the garage.
I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel.
I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the clubs
back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different type of
activity on my mind, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "I know! Can you believe my stupid
husband is out golfing in this shit?"

Vani....absolutely super!!! 😆 I loved the golf one!!!! 😉

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."