Jokes - Page 39

😆

Good one abut the priest Jaz

Marriage jokes

> > > > You have two choices in life:
> > > > You can stay single and be miserable,
> > > > or get married and wish you were dead.
> > > >
> > > > At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
> > > > "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
> > > >
> > > > "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
> > > >
> > > > A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
> > > > "Husband Wanted".
> > > > Next day she received a hundred letters.
> > > > They all said the same thing:
> > > > "You can have mine."
> > > >
> > > > When a woman steals your husband,
> > > > there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
> > > >
> > > > A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
> > > >
> > > > A little boy asked his father,
> > > > "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
> > > > Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
> > > >
> > > > A young son asked,
> > > > "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
> > > > a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
> > > > Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
> > > >
> > > > Then there was a woman who said,
> > > > "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
> > > > and by then, it was too late."
> > > >
> > > > Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
> > > >
> > > > If you want your spouse to listen and
> > > > pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
> > > >
> > > > Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
> > >thinking they had no faults at all.
> > > >
> > > > " A Woman's Prayer:
> > > > Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and
>to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
>for Strength I'll just beat him to death "
> > > >
> > > > AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
> > > >
> > > > Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
>children.
> > >A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
>find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
> > >bus.
> > > >
> > > > So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while,
>the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
>he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of
> > >rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
>crazy."
> > > >
> > > > The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
> > >YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

Break Into the House*


A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.


"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.


"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


***********


*Lost Wife*


The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"


"Why?" she asks.


"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."


***********


*Teacher*


"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher.


After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.


"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."


***********


*Hearing*


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.


He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.


The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."


The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


***********


*Wedding*


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"


"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.


The child thought about this for a moment,then said, " So, why is the groom wearing black?"


***********


* Dream*


A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"


With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."


That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - " The meaning of Dreams".

wow great ones Caryn, Jas - read through in one
go - day of smiles 😃

I love the jokes here... am still smiling 😊

good ones caryn & jas. 😆 😆 😆

caryn i really enjoyed ur marriage jokes. u guys have lifted my mood thanks

Students in both Jewish and Christian parochial schools were asked to write about the Bible. The following are some of the responses:

(OLD TESTAMENT HISTORY)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

(NEW TESTAMENT HISTORY)

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emasculate contraption.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

According to the Bible, a Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

In Memory of all those who love their bosses



A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.



The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies,"he died last week."



The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.



By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY
TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"



He replied laughing,

"I just love hearing it..."