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CHAPTER 23: Mili and Atul's pain
Sanjeevani:
Atul paced restlessly outside the ER, pausing every few minutes to glance at the doors as if waiting for them to open any minute. It had been half an hour since him, Dr. Shubhankar and Dr. Keerti had arrived at the hospital. Mili had already been rushed to the ER and the nurse had a grim look on her face as she answered Dr.Shubhankar's rapid questions about the situation.
Atul had only half-listened to what the nurse was saying....images of Mili crowding his mind….mutinous Mili, smiling Mili, wide-eyed Mili….
Dr.Shubhankar's sharp tone had finally pulled him out of his thoughts and he'd blinked in a daze for a moment before gathering his composure and answering Dr.Shubhankar's questions about the last medication Mili had been on. And with that, Dr. Shubhankar had hurried into the ER, telling Atul to wait outside….
Atul stopped pacing abruptly and slumped against the wall with a deep sigh, feeling helpless, praying fervently for everything to be alright.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps behind him.
"Doctor?" said a frantic voice.
Atul turned to find Milli's mom Mrs. Mehra standing in front of him.
"My…my daughter Mili…I got a call…is she ok?? What happened? Where is she?" she asked him, her voice rising in panic with each question.
"Mrs. Mehra…" started Atul, trying to figure out what to say to her, "…..Please have a seat," he said, guiding her onto one of the chairs along the wall outside the ER.
"Mili…had a seizure..."
Mrs.Mehra's eyes widened in alarm, "Mili!" she started to rise up out of her seat, but Atul held her hands to hold her back.
"It's ok, Mrs.Mehra. Please don't panic. Dr.Shubhankar is inside the ER with her right now. She will be alright, please don't worry," he said, trying to put in all the conviction possible in his words that he didn't quite feel himself in that moment.
"But how…? When…?" she asked in bewilderment. "I….I…I'd met her just this afternoon! And she had been fine! She….she had been talking about…talking about Dr.Atul….you, Dr.Atul," she glanced at him, tears gathering in her eyes. "Then how??"
Atul flinched for a moment as she mentioned his name, closing his eyes in pain. Then, gathering his composure, he tried to reassure Mrs.Mehra, "We are trying our best to find out, Mrs.Mehra….Mili will be fine, trust me…"
"My little girl…my sweet little baby…" choked Mrs.Mehra not really listening to him in her anguish, "Oh my god…I…I…" she finally convulsed into sobs.
Atul looked at her, feeling helpless yet again, unable to understand what to say to her....HOW does one go about consoling an anguished mother? Would any words really suffice?
"Why??" she sobbed, "WHY is it always my baby?? Every single time she has to go through this! She is six! Only six! And she suffers so much! I….I….how….I can't bear it!" she sagged back in her seat, crying even harder now.
Atul placed a hand on her shoulder gently in understanding, but he didn't say anything….there wasn't really anything that could be said, especially when he himself was barely managing to keep his composure.
Mrs. Mehra continued to sob for a while and then gradually subsided a bit.
"A hole in the heart…" she said quietly after a moment, "Do you know what that means for a little child, Dr.Atul?" she turned her tear-streaked gaze towards him, "It means…. ….don't run, don't play, don't tire yourself! HOW do you explain that to a little child? A child who wants to jump, run, laugh, play like every other child! How do you bear that wistful, hurt, angry from your child day after day??" She closed her eyes in pain, tears still rolling down her cheeks. "How….how do you cage a spirit like that, Dr.Atul…how?"
"Will my baby never get a normal life? When? When will her suffering end?" she cried again, putting her head in her hands in despair.
Just then, the doors to the ER opened and Dr. Shubhankar walked out. Mrs. Mehra and Atul both got up from their seats and hurried over.
"Doctor, how is Mili now? Is she ok?" asked Mrs.Mehra, wiping away her tears.
"Mrs. Mehra, Mili is out of danger right now...we've stabilized her" replied Shubhankar, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "But…" he glanced down for a second before looking up, "She's gone into a coma" he finished somberly.
Mrs. Mehra paled, "Coma?"
"Don't worry, Ma'am!" Shubhankar hastened to reassure her, "She is still doing good! And a coma is not a permanent condition….she could come out of in two days also!"
Mrs. Mehra closed her eyes for a long moment before opening them again and looking at Shubhankar directly, "Or she may not," she said in a whisper, understanding what he wasn't able to say.
Shubhankar dropped his gaze for a moment, unable to bear the directness of her gaze, then looked up, "Ma'am…."
"I want to see my daughter now," she interrupted him quietly.
Shubhankar paused, looked at her thoughtfully for a second and then turned to Atul, "Dr. Atul, could you take Mrs. Mehra to Mili now?"
"Uhh yes sir…," Atul replied, then turning to Mrs. Mehra, "This way, ma'am…," he gestured with his hand for her to walk ahead of him.
Shubhankar watched for a moment as Atul and Mrs. Mehra walked towards the ER, then with a heavy sigh walked back towards his office.
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Emergency Room:
Atul held open the door of the ER and waited for Mrs. Mehra to walk through. He lagged behind her as they walked over slowly to the Mili's bed, his heart heavy with each step, wary of what condition they would see Mili in. Finally, they came to a stop in front of her bed.
Mili's small form lay still on the bed, her face pale. Tubes were hooked up to multiple portions on her body, further attached to various machines beeping intermittently. She was breathing in and out slowly with the help of one of those machines, a mask covering almost half of her small face.
"Mili….," Mrs. Mehra reached out a hand slowly to brush her forehead, "Mili beta….Look… Mama is here……Mili?"
The soft beeping of the machines was her only reply.
She lifted one of Mili's hands and slowly enfolded it in her own and kissed it, "Mili?" she called again, her voice choking now. Getting no response once again, she finally bowed her head in anguish over her daughter's hand and started to cry.
Atul reached out a hand to console her, but then pulled it back, realizing that she needed this time alone with her daughter. Slowly he turned and softly walked out of the ER.
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Atul collapsed onto the bench outside the ER once again, dropping his head into his hands. Images of Mili lying almost deathly still on that bed haunted him again. Tears welled up in his eyes unbidden as he recalled the way her eyes always lit up whenever she saw him, that adorable grumpy and stubborn look she gave whenever she threw a little tantrum, her possessiveness over Tubby.
He looked back at the ER again. Mrs. Mehra's "Why? Why is it always my baby?" suddenly flashed in his head again.
With a choking sound, he dropped his head in his hands again and finally gave in to the sobs that had been threatening for a while.
And that was how Anjali saw him when she finally reached Sanjeevani. She had left as soon as Armaan had told her, making a hurried excuse about going home. But she had gotten stuck in bad traffic trying to take a shorter route to the hospital. Her heart has continued to fill with dread with each moment she spent in frustration stuck in the traffic.
But she had finally managed to get to the hospital.
And now there he was. Looking completely alone and broken as he sat on that bench. Slowly, Anjali walked over to him and sat down on the bench beside him. He didn't seem to notice, and continued to sob brokenly.
She hesitated for a moment and then slowly put a hand on his shoulder, "Atul?"
Atul stiffened, then glanced up quickly in surprise, "Anjali?"
His tear streaked face just broke her heart….she had never seen him like this. She didn't quite know what to say….
"How…how is she?" she asked quietly after a pause.
Atul stared at her for a long moment, still surprised to see her there, wondering how she found out….then brushing his tears away and composing himself, he replied, "She's….in a coma, Anjali"
"Coma?? Oh my god," said Anjali, closing her eyes in despair, her hand tightening on his shoulder.
Atul dropped his gaze to the floor, staring at it for a long moment as they both sat in silence.
"I can't bear seeing her like this, Anjali," he finally spoke again in a shaky voice, "She's just a child!" he turned to glance back at her, "Just a child! I can't, I can't…." his voice broke again as he dropped his head, his body shaking with silent sobs.
"Atul…" Anjali felt tears welling up in her own eyes, unable to see him like this, "Atul…look at me"
He didn't respond, still looking down and crying softly.
"Atul.." she put a hand on his cheek and turned his head towards her, "Look at me."
He glanced up at her slowly, and saw that she had tears in her eyes too.
"She will be alright, Atul. Do you hear me?" she said firmly, the tears still glimmering in her eyes, "She will BE alright!"
He stared at her for a long moment. She nodded slowly with a soft smile on her face, one of her thumbs softly wiping away a tear away from his cheek. He smiled back faintly at her, slowly bringing up his own hand to cover hers on his cheek and closing his eyes, leaned into her hand as if craving that reassurance.
She reached out her other hand and wiped the tears away from his other cheek as well, shaking her head slowly at him, almost cradling his face in her hands now.
"No more crying," she said softly.
Atul smiled gently, then slowly reached out and lifted a tear that had fallen on her cheek, "No more crying," he repeated, glancing down meaningfully at the tear.
Anjali glanced down at the tear on his fingers and laughed, shaking her head again. Atul laughed softly in reply as well, his head falling forward to touch his forehead to hers.
"I love you, Anjali," he sighed softly to himself with his eyes closed.
Sanjeevani:
Atul paced restlessly outside the ER, pausing every few minutes to glance at the doors as if waiting for them to open any minute. It had been half an hour since him, Dr. Shubhankar and Dr. Keerti had arrived at the hospital. Mili had already been rushed to the ER and the nurse had a grim look on her face as she answered Dr.Shubhankar's rapid questions about the situation.
Atul had only half-listened to what the nurse was saying....images of Mili crowding his mind….mutinous Mili, smiling Mili, wide-eyed Mili….
Dr.Shubhankar's sharp tone had finally pulled him out of his thoughts and he'd blinked in a daze for a moment before gathering his composure and answering Dr.Shubhankar's questions about the last medication Mili had been on. And with that, Dr. Shubhankar had hurried into the ER, telling Atul to wait outside….
Atul stopped pacing abruptly and slumped against the wall with a deep sigh, feeling helpless, praying fervently for everything to be alright.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps behind him.
"Doctor?" said a frantic voice.
Atul turned to find Milli's mom Mrs. Mehra standing in front of him.
"My…my daughter Mili…I got a call…is she ok?? What happened? Where is she?" she asked him, her voice rising in panic with each question.
"Mrs. Mehra…" started Atul, trying to figure out what to say to her, "…..Please have a seat," he said, guiding her onto one of the chairs along the wall outside the ER.
"Mili…had a seizure..."
Mrs.Mehra's eyes widened in alarm, "Mili!" she started to rise up out of her seat, but Atul held her hands to hold her back.
"It's ok, Mrs.Mehra. Please don't panic. Dr.Shubhankar is inside the ER with her right now. She will be alright, please don't worry," he said, trying to put in all the conviction possible in his words that he didn't quite feel himself in that moment.
"But how…? When…?" she asked in bewilderment. "I….I…I'd met her just this afternoon! And she had been fine! She….she had been talking about…talking about Dr.Atul….you, Dr.Atul," she glanced at him, tears gathering in her eyes. "Then how??"
Atul flinched for a moment as she mentioned his name, closing his eyes in pain. Then, gathering his composure, he tried to reassure Mrs.Mehra, "We are trying our best to find out, Mrs.Mehra….Mili will be fine, trust me…"
"My little girl…my sweet little baby…" choked Mrs.Mehra not really listening to him in her anguish, "Oh my god…I…I…" she finally convulsed into sobs.
Atul looked at her, feeling helpless yet again, unable to understand what to say to her....HOW does one go about consoling an anguished mother? Would any words really suffice?
"Why??" she sobbed, "WHY is it always my baby?? Every single time she has to go through this! She is six! Only six! And she suffers so much! I….I….how….I can't bear it!" she sagged back in her seat, crying even harder now.
Atul placed a hand on her shoulder gently in understanding, but he didn't say anything….there wasn't really anything that could be said, especially when he himself was barely managing to keep his composure.
Mrs. Mehra continued to sob for a while and then gradually subsided a bit.
"A hole in the heart…" she said quietly after a moment, "Do you know what that means for a little child, Dr.Atul?" she turned her tear-streaked gaze towards him, "It means…. ….don't run, don't play, don't tire yourself! HOW do you explain that to a little child? A child who wants to jump, run, laugh, play like every other child! How do you bear that wistful, hurt, angry from your child day after day??" She closed her eyes in pain, tears still rolling down her cheeks. "How….how do you cage a spirit like that, Dr.Atul…how?"
"Will my baby never get a normal life? When? When will her suffering end?" she cried again, putting her head in her hands in despair.
Just then, the doors to the ER opened and Dr. Shubhankar walked out. Mrs. Mehra and Atul both got up from their seats and hurried over.
"Doctor, how is Mili now? Is she ok?" asked Mrs.Mehra, wiping away her tears.
"Mrs. Mehra, Mili is out of danger right now...we've stabilized her" replied Shubhankar, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "But…" he glanced down for a second before looking up, "She's gone into a coma" he finished somberly.
Mrs. Mehra paled, "Coma?"
"Don't worry, Ma'am!" Shubhankar hastened to reassure her, "She is still doing good! And a coma is not a permanent condition….she could come out of in two days also!"
Mrs. Mehra closed her eyes for a long moment before opening them again and looking at Shubhankar directly, "Or she may not," she said in a whisper, understanding what he wasn't able to say.
Shubhankar dropped his gaze for a moment, unable to bear the directness of her gaze, then looked up, "Ma'am…."
"I want to see my daughter now," she interrupted him quietly.
Shubhankar paused, looked at her thoughtfully for a second and then turned to Atul, "Dr. Atul, could you take Mrs. Mehra to Mili now?"
"Uhh yes sir…," Atul replied, then turning to Mrs. Mehra, "This way, ma'am…," he gestured with his hand for her to walk ahead of him.
Shubhankar watched for a moment as Atul and Mrs. Mehra walked towards the ER, then with a heavy sigh walked back towards his office.
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Emergency Room:
Atul held open the door of the ER and waited for Mrs. Mehra to walk through. He lagged behind her as they walked over slowly to the Mili's bed, his heart heavy with each step, wary of what condition they would see Mili in. Finally, they came to a stop in front of her bed.
Mili's small form lay still on the bed, her face pale. Tubes were hooked up to multiple portions on her body, further attached to various machines beeping intermittently. She was breathing in and out slowly with the help of one of those machines, a mask covering almost half of her small face.
"Mili….," Mrs. Mehra reached out a hand slowly to brush her forehead, "Mili beta….Look… Mama is here……Mili?"
The soft beeping of the machines was her only reply.
She lifted one of Mili's hands and slowly enfolded it in her own and kissed it, "Mili?" she called again, her voice choking now. Getting no response once again, she finally bowed her head in anguish over her daughter's hand and started to cry.
Atul reached out a hand to console her, but then pulled it back, realizing that she needed this time alone with her daughter. Slowly he turned and softly walked out of the ER.
*********************************************************************************************************
Atul collapsed onto the bench outside the ER once again, dropping his head into his hands. Images of Mili lying almost deathly still on that bed haunted him again. Tears welled up in his eyes unbidden as he recalled the way her eyes always lit up whenever she saw him, that adorable grumpy and stubborn look she gave whenever she threw a little tantrum, her possessiveness over Tubby.
He looked back at the ER again. Mrs. Mehra's "Why? Why is it always my baby?" suddenly flashed in his head again.
With a choking sound, he dropped his head in his hands again and finally gave in to the sobs that had been threatening for a while.
And that was how Anjali saw him when she finally reached Sanjeevani. She had left as soon as Armaan had told her, making a hurried excuse about going home. But she had gotten stuck in bad traffic trying to take a shorter route to the hospital. Her heart has continued to fill with dread with each moment she spent in frustration stuck in the traffic.
But she had finally managed to get to the hospital.
And now there he was. Looking completely alone and broken as he sat on that bench. Slowly, Anjali walked over to him and sat down on the bench beside him. He didn't seem to notice, and continued to sob brokenly.
She hesitated for a moment and then slowly put a hand on his shoulder, "Atul?"
Atul stiffened, then glanced up quickly in surprise, "Anjali?"
His tear streaked face just broke her heart….she had never seen him like this. She didn't quite know what to say….
"How…how is she?" she asked quietly after a pause.
Atul stared at her for a long moment, still surprised to see her there, wondering how she found out….then brushing his tears away and composing himself, he replied, "She's….in a coma, Anjali"
"Coma?? Oh my god," said Anjali, closing her eyes in despair, her hand tightening on his shoulder.
Atul dropped his gaze to the floor, staring at it for a long moment as they both sat in silence.
"I can't bear seeing her like this, Anjali," he finally spoke again in a shaky voice, "She's just a child!" he turned to glance back at her, "Just a child! I can't, I can't…." his voice broke again as he dropped his head, his body shaking with silent sobs.
"Atul…" Anjali felt tears welling up in her own eyes, unable to see him like this, "Atul…look at me"
He didn't respond, still looking down and crying softly.
"Atul.." she put a hand on his cheek and turned his head towards her, "Look at me."
He glanced up at her slowly, and saw that she had tears in her eyes too.
"She will be alright, Atul. Do you hear me?" she said firmly, the tears still glimmering in her eyes, "She will BE alright!"
He stared at her for a long moment. She nodded slowly with a soft smile on her face, one of her thumbs softly wiping away a tear away from his cheek. He smiled back faintly at her, slowly bringing up his own hand to cover hers on his cheek and closing his eyes, leaned into her hand as if craving that reassurance.
She reached out her other hand and wiped the tears away from his other cheek as well, shaking her head slowly at him, almost cradling his face in her hands now.
"No more crying," she said softly.
Atul smiled gently, then slowly reached out and lifted a tear that had fallen on her cheek, "No more crying," he repeated, glancing down meaningfully at the tear.
Anjali glanced down at the tear on his fingers and laughed, shaking her head again. Atul laughed softly in reply as well, his head falling forward to touch his forehead to hers.
"I love you, Anjali," he sighed softly to himself with his eyes closed.
Anupamaa
Udne Ki Aasha
71