IPKKND-ARHI FF - Gypsy - TH II - Chapter 47 Pg 32 - Page 8

Chapter 44

What was wrong with her? Why was she so scared always? Why couldn't she bring herself to react? Did she have to resort to tears all the time? Was that all she was destined to do; cringe and huddle in everyone's presence? Had she committed some kind of crime? If she had made a resolution to be brave, then wasn't it high time she started following it through? Where was her pride?

Till now she drifted through life avoiding confrontations with hostile tribe members, keeping a low profile, always apologetic for things she had not done, grateful for the tiniest of things. Almost as she was apologizing for being born at all! Her insecurities stemmed from the circumstances of her birth. But was all that her fault? How could it be? She couldn't be responsible for her mother breaking tribal rules and she definitely was not responsible for her spineless father's conduct! Then wasn't it that she was not responsible for her tribe members cruelty? And of course she was not responsible for the Maharaja's cruel conduct. The only blame that she could and would lay at her own door was trusting and believing in a man! For her own naivet! For expecting someone like the Maharaja to love and marry her!

But she had paid the price for it; for that love and trust. Indeed she had paid and a much higher price than it warranted. She had paid with her reputation and her life's blood; almost with her life. She had paid for that naivet with her elderly mother's reputation and peace of mind in her old age.

So if she had paid her dues, then again, she would ask; what was wrong with her? Why was she so scared always? Why couldn't she bring herself to react? Did she have to resort to tears all the time? Was that all she was destined to do; cringe and huddle in everyone's presence? Had she committed some kind of crime? If she had made a resolution to be brave, then wasn't it high time she started following it through? Where was her pride?

He dragged her reputation through mud and muck. He instigated her so-called punishment. He separated her from her mother. He almost cost her her life! She could lay all her troubles squarely at his door. In that case, was there anything much worse he could do to her? Then why did she cry when he was in the room with her while she was undressed? He had stripped her pride and honour from her in public, rendering her nude amongst her tribe, her people. What was the difference if he saw her nude now? Then why did she cry now???

She knew he had wanted her for his mistress. She also knew becoming a mistress constituted removing her clothes, courtesy of that wretched night in the forest. In view of all he had done and all he cost her, what difference did it make if he wished to do with her all that men did with their mistress's? She should look on the bright side and be at least thankful that she was his wife now! No sin in doing all that now! After all whatever he would do to her couldn't be that bad compared to all he had done already. Then why did she cry???

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER?

She sat in the middle of her bed, dressed in the sari Charu had laid out earlier, her knees drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped around them and chin resting on top. Almost like a bride on her wedding night! The utter stillness of her posture belied the raging thoughts and anger coursing through her. Now that she had worked out her faults and stupidities, as she called them, she formulated a plan for herself.

The smart and sensible thing would be to do what Dadi Maa, Rani Maa and Anjali Di had been telling her to do all along; maintain her dignity. But she would add to it; she would maintain her dignity and never allow the Maharaja close enough her to hurt her again. He could look on her nude form until his eyes popped out, he could do all he wanted to do to her but he couldn't touch her soul; not if she didn't allow him to. Compared to the public stripping he subjected her to, this new one behind close doors couldn't make much difference anyway!

All she had to do was maintain her emotional distance. He must not be allowed to come close, ever again and she would be just fine.

The question she asked herself now was different.

COULD SHE DO IT???

She thought carefully and answered; YES. Yes, she could. Because if she couldn't then the alternative didn't bear thinking of!!! To be helpless again; to place her trust in him again; to have him kick it aside; to bear humiliation again; she had come through it all once. She didn't have the strength to endure it again. So she had to protect herself emotionally from her husband, the Maharaja of Devgarh, Arnav Singh Raizada. She didn't have a choice!

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Be careful what you wish for; it might just come true and then where will you be!

Over and over again, he relieved the same two scenes in his mind. The one in the forest when he had seen and admired her beautiful naked back and the one he had just seen; that same back criss-crossed with red marks, just barely healed. The angry red marks that were the residue of mindless cruelty. Cruelty such as that which carried the power to kill a fragile human being. It was a testament to said human being's willpower and the love and care of strangers which pulled her back from death's door.

Just a few days back, about to get married, he had wished that someone would apprise him of her injuries; so he could deal with her better. His wish came true. Now he wished he could reverse it. He would have been better off not knowing. Shame engulfed him; blistering and scorching. Reverse it! Hell, she had endured it and here he was, scared of facing it. He may not have wielded the whip with his own hands. But he might as well have! He had learned of the cruelty she underwent but never thought it would be so brutal. He could say that he didn't know her tribe might react so viciously, that he thought they would protect one of their own. But that was not true.

The truth was that when he made his cruel little' disclosure in front of them, it wasn't just anger motivating him. No. It was selfishness as well. He thought that by making such a disclosure her marriage plans will fall through and a door will close for her. She will have to become his mistress; there was no choice for her.

He had been right on two accounts; her marriage plans did fall through and she didn't have any choice. But the end result was different. She paid the price of his selfishness, his cruelty. Almost with her life. At the end, no matter what her status in life then, he should have respected her decision. There was no excuse for dishonoring some innocent person.

So what did that make him? A thoughtless, cruel, selfish and egotistical man. A man not worthy of being a man. A man, a real man would never stoop to dishonor a woman. He had done that. When did he become so cruel, so selfish? Just recently? Or had he always been like this? Did a monster lurk beneath the veneer of civilization and so-called royal lineage? Was it because he spent his growing years in the modern atmosphere of the West, studying and expanding his business? Was that why he found it so easy to disregard another person's feelings and honor? He thought for a moment and then dismissed the idea. No. Western influence was not to be blamed here. Nowhere in all these years spent away from home had he come across any such situation like his.

The problem, he painfully acknowledged, lay within him. After all, his mother drummed the concept of basic kindness to anyone smaller and weaker than him, human or animal alike. He was bound by his dharm to uphold the honor of women. In spite of his upbringing, he found it remarkably easy to lust after an innocent girl and do any and every dishonorable deed under the sun just to possess her!

The picture that came across of himself was not a pretty one! In fact it was a downright disgusting and manipulative one indeed!

Now that he managed to work out his failings in detail and never one to sit idle, he started formulating a plan of action. He dishonored her but then he married her. According to society norms, he evened the score. But inside himself, the place where he was not so corrupt, he knew that the scores were far from even. She had gone through hell and deep inside; she was still trapped in there. An innocent girl with dreams and expectations that she deserved to have fulfilled became a shell of her former self. She rarely smiled anymore. Her eyes carried shadows of pain and humiliation. Her health was uncertain at best. He was an educated man; the marks were not the only thing she carried. Who knew what internal damage she had sustained? She was a slip of a thing anyway.

As for him, life continued as normal. No one came to him demanding explanations for his cruelty. No one demanded reparations. No one made him face up to the reality of his actions. After all he was a Maharaja; rich an influential while she was a mere gypsy. He wasn't even around while she fought for her life. But he was around now; in the aftermath. He saw the extent of her injuries, he witnessed the tortured and fractured nights she lived through.

He would be there for her now. He would fight her demons for her, even if one of them were he himself. He could never make up for what happened; he was a Maharaja but not GOD. He couldn't turn back time. But he could ensure a good future for her. He could make amends. Or rather he could try to. He didn't think there was any way he could make amends but he could damn well try to. She deserved happiness in her life and he could ensure that; in whatever way he had to.

But the question was what would make her happy, heal her spirit? He was ashamed to admit that he had no answers for that. He didn't know her well enough to judge that and even more shaming was the knowledge that he had never been interested in her in that way; to the extent of finding what she liked or what made her tick. But there was one way he could find out. He could approach her, build a relation with her, even if it was of hatred but he could try. Maybe then he would figure her out and in the process the key to her happiness.

The task he set for himself was not easy. His wife couldn't stand him as it was. But there was no alternative. He had to find a way to reach her. He couldn't let her suffer in silence the hell he had created for her. Her healing process would also wash away the stains on his soul, making him a good person, one who was worthy of her love and affection...

Hi everyone ... their POV's presented! Here please take note that each has judged themselves and decided on a course of action. Their action plans go in totally opposite directions. Khushi decides to completely move away from him while Arnav decides to build a relationship with her. But the common goal is the same; both are fighting for Khushi. Khushi fights for her peace of mind while Arnav fights for her health and happiness. Here, Khushi has become somewhat emotionally detached where her husband is concerned while Arnav is all ready to embrace emotions; good and bad both. Also from here, things will become more volatile between them. Now I don't mean to imply that my readers will not understand these things all by themselves. It's just that specifying it for you guys makes it clearer in my own perspective.