Chapter 20- All's out in the open
He came back to the couch where they had been sitting in the living room with a glass of water for her. She had bared it all out in the open today.. and things he'd found out were things he had no idea she had had to suffer through.. how could he have.. she never let him know.. and from what he understood she hadn't let anyone know.. atleast completely.. and today was the first time when she talked it out.. and that too voluntarily, agreed she needed the push from muskaan and he couldn't thank her enough for it.. well because it was evident that she was suffering from inside like no one could imagine.. he now also understood why she was so mature and independent.. she was scared of depending on someone.. she had been silently suffering for years. And tonight she had let go.. but what was even bothersome to him so the fact that she was soo set on her ideals.. in all these years she had let the negativity let enter her life and set base in her mind and heart. She didn't know any better and she hadn't let anyone else know of her insecurities to even give them a chance to help her. Not that he had tried much to be her cheer leader in letting her know that 'its all okay' because he was too busy listening to her, understanding the situation and handing her tissues, he'd never see her cry atleast not the real crying.. yes she'd get random water in her eyes but this was different. This was intense and he didn't know where to begin.. but it didn't seem to matter anyway.. it was almost as if she was tired and she was just talking.. not even acknowledging his presence at times. So when she had finally finished the story he had gotten up with the excuse to get her some water.. but only he knew that intense head ache that he was getting trying to not let his emotions surface. His whole body was tensed and having settled his emotions as much as he could he walked back into the living room to find her sleeping on the couch.. she didn't look like she was in peace at all.. she was still tensed.. and after everything she'd just dug open it was quite evident why.. and now he wondered what he should do.. not with the glass of water.. but himself.. should he leave.. should he move her to the bed so that she was more comfortable, should he stay and make sure she was okay just incase she needed anything.
He decided to stay.. more like he couldn't convince himself to leave. Knowing it was an uncomfortable night for her. But then again, he didn't know what to do? She was sleeping on the couch.. that was his place.. should he take her bed? No that would be weird.. he'd never get any sleep that way.. should he move her to the bed? He could do it easily.. but he knew better.. she was an insomniac, she stirred easily in her sleep.. and tonight specially he didn't want to disturb her. So he did the one thing he could in the situation, he sat on the carpet below in the living room resting his back on the sofa she was sleeping on and putting on his headphones he started to play games.. he needed a distraction.. and this was the only thing he could think of. Because as the time went by.. he was repeating her words in his head over and over again.. and he could feel guilt take it over. He hadn't handled her well. Infact he hadn't handled her at all. He saw her curl up into a ball and bawl her eyes out as he pathetically kept mute and stared at her. He was listening intently but he was sure she must have felt unsupported from his actions. She must be regretting telling him, and he didn't want her to feel that way again. Her telling him this was a healing process for her, he didn't want to screw it up for her now. What was he thinking, he had already screwed it up.
As he scored a goal and saw his animated player celebrating, he remembered her words clearly.. not only remember them but hear them.. they were on repeat in his echoic memory it seemed. How could he not? That was the only right thing he did tonight, he heard every word she said.. even the ones she'd choked on between her sobs. And now they were replaying in his head over and over again. Frustrated he took his headphones out and paused his game and dug his head in his hand over his bent legs and felt his headache decreasing suddenly as a single tear made its way out. And then more followed and his head felt lighter.
Lighter enough for him to finally move past her words and understand her sorrows behind those words. And this time.. he didn't try to block out her voices in his head and let them flow.. almost like a flashback.. from the beginning.
After the call had ended with muskaan.. she had cried for a long time sitting on that very couch. He'd tried his best to comfort her.. but he was too confused to have any clue as to the kind of words that may help in the situation. On second thoughts it wasn't his fault at the time. He didn't know anything till then' she hadn't uttered a word.. she had tried everytime he'd ask what was wrong she'd tried he could see.. he could see her open her mouth but nothing but a sob could be heard. So he'd just let her cry for a while.. and after a while after things were a little settled she'd begun her story on her own.. a long one at that.
Things had started going sour apparently when she was just 12.. only a few months after her family had shifted to Frisco.. her nani was diagnosed with leukaemia.. her mother was shattered.. she was coming face to face with the first serious issue of her life and that too without her mother.. without any friends and in such a vulnerable time for a girl. Her mother had flown to dubai.. where her grandmother lived and stayed months through her entire treatment. She was suddenly handed the responsibility at home. Her brother was a senior at school and needed to keep up his grades.. her dad was new and trying to make a mark in his workplace to secure a financial future for her family. Afterall they had only moved from India because her mother no longer felt safe in the neighbourhood.. their house had been broken into many a times and once her mother had come face to face with the roberers.. she could have lost her life that day had it not been for her quick thinking to call for help!
Finally taking the plunge and moving was a gutsy move.. uprooting two children..one of whom in his crucial years at school' when they had no steady income.. but her mama ji lived there and he provided support initially. Things were finally looking up.. they weren't set financially or anything but her father had found a job.. her mother was looking for one.. and the whole family at night used to do the neighbourhood round of newspaper and newsletters. It was a hard life.. but not having any other family or friends here apart from her mama ji they had all the time in the world. Riddhima had been forced to grow up a lot in those months.. the otherwise extravert and demanding girl had now turned into a shy and timid girl.. her world had been uprooted after all. But atleast she had her family.. she had her mother. But then the news of her nani hit her family hard.. hit her hard.. she'd loved her nani.. she was as she recalled today the most amazing and generous woman she had ever met.. she was her favourite grandparent.. the only grandparent she ever connected to actually as bad as it sounds. The thought of death was foreign to this little girl.. and the thought of death of this woman terrified her specially in the absence of the other woman who was not only her mother but her best friend. Maybe her family had anticipated her reactions.. which was why they hadn't told her.. not until it was time for her mother to leave.. the fact that she was kept in the dark hit her harder.. that had always happened with her.. she was the youngest and in attempts to shield her they'd ostracise her instead. Probably why she was wanting to be aware of every little detail concerning her loved ones now.
Any way the treatment was painful but successdul.. her mother had returned soon after but by the time she did riddhima had changed forever.. whilst her peers were dying their hair and venturing to their first boyfriends she was at home cooking, cleaning, ironing, working to deliver newspaper whilst studying. She was taking care of her family rather than being a teenager.. But all that was worth it.. her mother was back.. her nani even visited them moths afterwards but that was the last time she saw her.. because when she returned news of her passing away shortly returned. But riddhima didn't like to live by her memories of her last visit.. because she could see that cancer had already killed her nani.. she wasn't the same person anymore.. so her memories of her were forcefully limited to before. She had been shattered at her demise.. but not more than her mother who was in and out of depression.
But riddhima was stronger than her mother.. she chose optimism instead. She had clearly said and he could again hear it clearly in his head everything word for word that she said "It's a little bit horrifying just how quickly everything can fall to crap. Sometimes it takes a huge loss to remind you of who you care about the most. Sometimes you find yourself becoming stronger as a result; wiser, better equipped to deal with the next disaster that comes along. Sometimes, but not always. I though that was it.. but apparently it was just the teaser."
She had told him how in the coming years things had settled down. How both her parents were holding down steady job.. her brother was in a good university and she was doing well at school with good friends and all. Slowly their life was improving. For a few years it was good.. But in between all of this no one ever realised that she never spoke of her nani after her demise she couldn't even say it.. she was dealing with it.. but maybe she wasn't dealing with it in the best possible way.. that's probably where she had self-analysed her insistent need for keeping thing private and to herself came from. Because before that she told her mother everything.. told her best friend everything. By now muskaan and Rahul were a huge part of her life. And although she shared inconsequential things with muskaan she never dwelled deeper.. This very fact had caused muskaan to doubt her friendship many a times.. but there was just something between them that made them never drift apart.. with time muskaan learnt her ways and waited patiently for the time riddhima was ready to tell her things. Riddhima had expressed immense guilt at that.. she hadn't meant to hurt muskaan and she trusted her with her life it was just that she was incapable.
Anyway after a few years when she was in year 11 her dada and dadi came to live with her family in Frisco.. What followed was complete saas bahu drama. Never knowing her family was so twisted because ofcourse these facts too were hidden from her.. she was a witness to family drama where her mother would leave home in the middle of the night and she was forced to find motivation to study with all the yelling and shouting going on. At that time.. she stayed at school for extended hours.. and she lost any respect she had for her grandparents.. it was hard for her to even look at them after the things she had heard.. she hadn't dwelled on what was said and he could sense that was only because of her respect for her deceased grandfather. The respect she claimed she had lost.. But his demise left their very physically dependant grandmother to the care of her parents. Her mother was forced to close her successful business and sit at home and take care of her grandmother. This wasn't india.. help when not a citizen was costly.. so they suffered major loss and hit another financial set back. They were a middle class family to begin with.. But by now her brother was grown up.. successfully earning his own living.. so the pressure of the family was less. But then her mother started to get sick.. she was in the emergency room twice over a period of 6 months.. and riddhima couldn't let that happen.. she had stepped in as her mother's mother to take care of her and offload her responsibilities and in the process she never maintained a social life.. muskaan was her everything.. every one else she ever met, she talked to and was friendly to but never had the time or the energy to let anyone else in her life.
Things finally settled once more and that's when the offer to summerhill came. She was there barely for a 8 months and starting to live a normal life.. when she was informed about her mother's ill health again.. so leaving everything behind she went back to Frisco.. because having experienced death of a loved one before.. she wouldn't gamble on the life of her most prized possession for anything. She knew her brother and dad were incapable of understanding her mother's unspoken needs.. she's the kind of woman that'll kill herself before asking for help. But she and her mother had an understanding. Something she respected enough to fly back.. that explained why she left in such a hurry.
Little did she know more blows were yet to come. So after stabilizing her family and reducing the responsibilities on her mother.. she started to concentrate on her career. She could care less about the superficial things.. she'd only went to her school dances on muskaan's insistence and this lack of experience made her shy socially. Anyway the time came and she finished her undergrad.. by the time her brother got married and settled down. Then came time for further study and to her surprise her brother suggested London.. infact he had finalised everything from her plans. She later found out that it was her bhabhi that made him aware of her plans.. and her miseries over the years.. So now that bhabi is there to take the pressure of her mother.. and biya is there to help dad.. she was given the opportunity to live her live.. Because she'd not looked happy for a while. She was only too grateful to get out of there.. because of all of the reasons she had just told him.. but also because of something else that she was painstakingly made aware of in those days. Something that she still hadn't shared with her family. That she had a cystic ovarian syndrome.. and she may never have a family of her own.. that she may need 'medical help' when the time comes to put it nicely.. and that was it for her.. not that she'd even known that she wanted a family at that young age.. but the fact that she couldn't that shattered her.. But she chose to not disclose that to anyone.. habit she supposed. So she was dealing with it on her own.. and in the processes becoming quite reserved.. or depressed from the surface. Then one fine day.. Rahul had stumbled on her reports.. so he knew but he was sworn to secrecy over the time until his wedding to muskaan when he told her.. so now they were the only two people who knew. But armaan was the first person she told voluntarily.. She even added that she gave up on relationships because of this aswell.. there's no point she claimed.. she wasn't the one to have a casual relationship that led no where.. and now she couldn't force a relationship that led to marriage on a guy to whom she could never give happiness.. She acknowledged being shallow minded in her thinking.. maybe there was a guy out there who wouldn't care but she couldn't force this decision on someone else. She'd have to let the person she is dating know of this.. but when was the question.. when that person asks you out? On the first date? After a month? When he proposes marriage? After marriage? And it wasn't just that.. it was the fact that she'd never want IVF.. she'd never waste money on that when she could adopt a child if she really wanted one.. but these were her decisions.. she would never force them onto anyone.. and so her decision had been made.. she was going to do it alone.. ofcourse she hadn't said a word of this to anyone.. not to muskaan not to Rahul and never to her parents.. but these things were already sorted in her head.. probably why she was the least interested in such things.. but she had tried dating on his insistence at summerhill and that rough experience was probably not helpful at all.. But what she admitted later gave him another shock.
When she had recently found out about her condition she was soo broken and messed up that she had given up.. she almost went all the way with a stranger.. she pulled out in the last minute but she almost went there.. that's how broken she was.. she was all pulled together now.. on the surface.. but now he understood her every little habit.
Whilst he was processing this he heard her stir in her sleep.. almost like a nightmare.. so he got up from the floor and lifting her head a little squeezed in to sit on the sofa laying her head on his lap and started to pat her back to sleep.. running his fingers through her hair.. as he felt her move towards him, calming down and hugging as if he was her favourite cylindrical pillow.
Through her whole story he knew one thing.. he can't wait for her to feel the same way about him.. because she might never get there on her own.. she'd shut doors in her life a long time ago.. so he'd need to straight forwardly put his proposal forward. Spell out his feelings for her.. now she couldn't say no because for her insecurities.. he knew it all.. the only reason she can say no is because she really doesn't care for him that way.. but then again.. she must, atleast a little he was sure if not why would she bare her heart out to him.. when she still hadn't done the same with her own best friend or her family.. but before that he must make up for his lack of action from today but he still didn't know what to do.. thankfully he had a whole night to plan for the coming morning' the crucial morning in their relationship.
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I shouldn't have written anything this month what with exams starting next week.. specially something so big.. but alas i did.. i am so failing but this is more fun than revision!
Edited by cheeky_maddy - 12 years ago
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